The Daily Irritant

Happy Caturday!

2012-02-18T19:29:00.000-05:00

Why there is no "White History Month"

2012-02-16T23:07:00.000-05:00

It never fails. Every February some whiny smart-ass will complain that there's a black history month so how come there isn't a white history month?

It reminds me of the time in every smartass kid's life when he says to his mom, "there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, how come there's no Children's Day?" And the mother answers "Because every day is Children's Day." And at the time you feel like

But eventually you grow up and looking back you realize that, yeah, being a kid was a pretty sweet deal.

Apparently, these people never grew up: http://wheniswhitehistorymonth.tumblr.com/

Rick Santorum Has No Sense of Irony

2012-02-16T22:20:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing Rick Santorum can't stand, it's the government making peoples' decisions for them!

Santorum slams Obama administration as 'elite snobs'
Posted by
CNN's Ashley Killough

"They don't believe you can make these decisions. They need to make these decisions for you," Santorum said, referring to the Obama administration.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make sure that women don't get to make their own reproductive decisions. Obviously, the government needs to decide whether you can have birth control or get an abortion.

You know, be careful what you wish for, Religious Right. You wanted a president that would govern by traditional Christian rules, you just might get one. But guess what, suckers, those rules are gonnabe Catholic. Say goodbye to birth control, and get ready to add on to your house, 'cause you're gonna need another nursery!

Seriously, Santorum is not just opposed to making Catholic hospitals pay for birth control, he's opposed to birth control period. remember this quote?

One of the things I will talk about that no president has talked about before is I think the dangers of contraception in this country, the whole sexual libertine idea... It's not okay

or this:

I don’t think it works. I think it’s harmful to women. I think it’s harmful to our society to have a society that says that sex outside of marriage is something that should be encouraged or tolerated …, particularly among the young and it has I think we’ve seen very, very harmful long-term consequences to the society. Birth control to me enables that and I don’t think it’s a healthy thing for our country.” [emphasis added]

And of course, this exchange with Jake Tapper:

Tapper asked, “Democrats say that one of the reasons you lost that year was because you are, in their view, out of the mainstream. . . about whether or not a state has the right to make a law against married couples using contraceptives. Is that something you’re at all concerned about?

“The state has a right to do that,” said Santorum. “I have never questioned that the state has a right to do that. It is not a constitutional right. The state has the right to pass whatever statues they have.”
“That is the thing I have said about the activism of the Supreme Court--they are creating rights, and they should be left up to the people to decide,” he added.

It should be up to "the people" to decide whether or not you have rights. The Supreme Court should not go around handing out rights willy-nilly. Of course states should be allowed to ban birth control.

And this is no longer a hypothetical situation. Several states are introducing "fetal personhood" bills which would, among other things, outlaw the Pill. Santorum would support these insane laws. And if you think you can count on the Supreme Court to overturn laws banning birth control, there are 2 problems with that.

1: This is the worst Supreme Court in history, and the ideologues who gave us Bush v. Gore and Citizens United also happen to all be Catholic.

2: Rick Santorum seems to think that he can "overturn" Supreme Court decisions anyway.

Rick Santorum Says He Will Overturn The Supreme Court If Same-Sex Marriage Is Ruled Legal
“I would do the same thing I would with Roe v. Wade, which I would seek to try and overturn it. I think judicial tyranny is a serious issue in this race and this country. And we need judges who respect the people’s voice. Let the people decide with respect to what the constitution says, if in fact they would go through a constitutional amendment process.”

Why should Constitutional scholars decide what the Constitution says? Obviously, the Constitution should be interpreted by folks who get it mixed up with the Declaration of Independence and got their knowledge of its content from Schoolhouse Rock.

Always remember: Rick Santorum is fucking crazy.

Also, Rick Santorum is Fucking Insane.

The Lorax Movie is Coming Out Soon

2012-02-15T22:58:00.000-05:00

And cue ridiculous right-wing outrage in 3. .. 2. . .1. . .

EPA & Hollywood Use Lorax To Brainwash Kids On Green Energy And Anti-Capitalism
This odd little character speaks for the trees and hates industrialized civilization. He's going to be teaching your kids to hate capitalism.

The Lorax Movie Pre-Review
On the screen appeared a trailer for Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax. . .

Too early to review it, to slam it, poo-poo it?
I simply don’t care, why should I first have to view it?
It’s not a movie for kids but propaganda from “Big Green.”
I’ll explain what I mean.

(Sure, why should you have to see a movie before you trash it? Why waste time?)

Is de-forestation still a problem outside of Brazil?
(A rhetorical question: I know the drill.)

Um, even if it was only happening in Brazil, The Brazilian Rain Forest is the largest in the world. De-foresting Brazil would have huge negative consequences for the planet.

The trailer showed a world in which all trees are gone.
Instead of making me feel sad, it just made me yawn.

There are more trees being planted now than ever before.
Those “greenies,” however, would just call me a right-wing whore.

I was going to go with "moronic cocksucker," but Okay, "right-wing whore" it is! * Also, new trees being planted is nice, but it takes decades for them to grow large enough to replace the old ones.

You see, poor Dr. Seuss died in 1991,
And sadly since then he has been no fun.
The Lorax he wrote in 1970 when people were littering
These days folks are more likely to be Twittering.

Yes, thank God littering isn't a thing that happens anymore! What a fucking moron.

* The "whore" in question is Thomas Thurlow,

Reviving Climate Change: The Lorax Will Sell Your Kids on Saving the Planet

This is a clear example of Hollywood movie studios pushing government propaganda. The EPA and the Organic Elite like Whole Foods Market and over 70 other partners are partnering up to sell this idea of humans are bad and the earth is good to children through a beloved Dr. Seuss story.

I don't know whose government you're referring to, our government has not really been pushing a lot of pro-environmental anything that I can think of.

So what is supposed to be so terrible about telling kids that cutting down all the trees would be a bad thing?

A Very Gingrich Valentine's

2012-02-14T19:47:00.000-05:00

Gingrich grins talking about Valentine’s Day plans for Callista
by Joy Lin | February 14, 2012

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate. People in the audience hooted audibly.
Almost (but not quite) embarrassed, Gingrich looked around to supporters on stage and joked, “After that question, I need something a little stronger than water."
“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued.

No, Younger generation, This is NOT Okay!

2012-02-13T22:00:00.001-05:00

Apparently, since the Grammies last night the Twitter has been blowing up with Tweets like these:

(via ASB)

intestinalfortitude:aweepingangel:

I can not believe that anyone would need to be told this, but this is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There is nothing cute or funny or clever about domestic violence. A lot of your mothers and grandmothers and aunts have fought long and hard to make domestic battery socially unacceptable, and you're seriously going to put out shit like this?

I really really hope that none of you ever find yourselves in the situation that Rhianna found herself, but you should be able to tell without personal experience that this is nothing to joke about.

This is what domestic violence looks like:

Not cute, not funny, not sexy, not acceptable. Not ever.

Buy More Cookies!

2012-02-12T18:45:00.000-05:00

Girl Scout cookies are being boycotted by members of the Religious Right based solely on a non-existent Planned-Parenthood/Girl Scout seminar that never happened, never would happen and really, couldn't possibly happen.

From the insane Moonie rag The Washington Times:

What has Girl Scouts headquarters in highest dudgeon, however, is the revelation that their “girls only” meeting at the United Nations included a sex book by Planned Parenthood. The meeting occurred during the annual Commission on the Status of Women in 2010 and the book, “Healthy, Happy and Hot” had tips for kids such as this one: “Many people think sex is just about vaginal or anal intercourse. … But, there are lots of different ways to have sex and lots of different types of sex. There is no right or wrong way to have sex. Just have fun, explore and be yourself!”

Now, that pamphlet does exist, and Planned Parenthood had been using that room earlier that day, so it is entirely possible that a copy of the sex brochure might have been left in the meeting room when the Girl Scouts came in to use it. No one in their right minds would think that anyone left that pamphlet there intentionally to be read by little girls. Fortunately, being in your right mind is not a prerequisite for a job with the lunatic religious right.

Again from the Moonie Times:

Girl Scout officials feigning shock that a nasty Planned Parenthood book was found in their meeting is like Captain Renault in “Casablanca” feigning shock that gambling is taking place. It just doesn’t ring true. Planned Parenthood and Girl Scout executives are kindred spirits.

Kindred spirits in that they both try to improve the lives of female persons, I suppose.
Other than that. . .
Also, the Planned Parenthood brochure was about living with HIV, so it really wouldn't make any sense to distribute this to little girls. Unless you buy in to the idea that organizations like Planned Parenthood exist only to advance an agenda of corrupting the innocent and destroying all that is pure and good. And if you do believ that, then you are probably already on the mailing list for Tony Perkins' Family Research Council, so this will be old news for you:

In a 'prayer alert' today, the Family Research Council claimed that its campaign against the Girl Scouts was working: “Their cookie sales are suffering.”
Back in January, Family Research Council president Tony Perkins told followers to boycott Girl Scout cookies because the treats allegedly fund a political agenda which includes Planned Parenthood and "promoting sexual diversity."

And by "promoting sexual diversity," I assume that Perkins means this:

The Girl Scouts of Colorado recently stirred up the entire nation when they admitted a 7-year-old-boy into their troop. The boy’s mother says he identifies himself as a girl. The Girl Scouts of Colorado released a statement saying that "if a child identifies as a girl and the child's family presents her as a girl, Girl Scouts of Colorado welcomes her as a Girl Scout."

This has, naturally led to a collective anuerysm by the anti-everything-but-them right.

If you want to get a look at some of the hate, and you have a strong stomach, click here: www.HonestGirlScouts.com,

Meantime, whenever you see adorable children selling cookies, buy some! Buy a bunch. But more that you could possibly eat. They last forever! Share them with friends! Send some to your homophobic relatives! Include a personal note, something like "Here, enjoy these cookies knowing that I bought them specifically to support Planned Parenthood and transgender scouts! haha, fuck you!

Do Republicans hate sex in general, or just Women specifically?

2012-02-12T17:55:00.000-05:00

Submitted without comment:

TPMDC
McConnell: GOP Will Fight To Let ANY Employer Deny Birth Control Coverage

Not satisfied with President Obama’s new religious accommodation, Republicans will move forward with legislation by Sen. Roy Blunt (R-MO) that permits any employer to deny birth control coverage in their health insurance plans, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said Sunday.
. . . Tellingly, McConnell was eager to keep the focus on religious freedom as opposed to contraception itself.
“The fact that the White House thinks this is about contraception is the whole problem. This is about freedom of religion, it’s right there in the First Amendment. You can’t miss it — right there in the very first amendment to our Constitution,” McConnell said. “What the overall view on the issue of contraception is has nothing to do with an issue about religious freedom.”

Picking up chicks at CPAC

2012-02-10T16:28:00.000-05:00

One would think the mouth-breathers at CPAC would be busy discussing the super-important issues of these times like how to get the Marxist/Fascist/Islamist out of the White House, and whether to invade Iran or simply nuke them, but they were able to take a little time out of their super-important day to discuss another important topic.

Getting laid.

TPM2012
CPAC Wants To Help You Get A Hot Conservative Date
“‘I was thinking about how sexy it would be to kiss you,’” world renowned pickup artist Wayne Elise told a group of young Rick Santorum fans. “You can say that [to a girl], it’s cool.”

And totally not creepy or overly forward!

One tip, he noted, was to introduce sensuality into early conversations with girls — like the above quote — to keep from falling into the platonic zone with your target.

Hmm, now that I know that he'd like to bang me, I'm moving him into the "maybe" zone!

“Most guys fall into the category of not being sexual enough, so that girls will easily see them as friend material and the guys have a hard time getting out of that,” he said. “I think one of my ideas that connects to conservatives is that it’s OK to wait but you definitely want to show the person you’re sexual and sensual.”

Be sure to tell 'em you've got genitalia!

It's okay to wait? You mean like wait until your wife is bedridden

before you start poking around?

The breakout session, sponsored by TeaParty.net, was billed as an opportunity to “learn everything from how to avoid scaring away your own personal Dagny Taggart in the first five minutes of the conversation. . .

Because you'd hate to scare away one of the most unpleasant, whiny, nasty characters in all of American fiction.

On dates, “try to outlaw questions,” Elise said, prompting some quizzical looks from participants. “Say ‘I’m not going to do any questions, I’m going to make statements.’ Why? Because statements say something about you.”

I love a man who expresses absolutely no interest in knowing anything about me!

Here’s a tip: “When you walk up and you’re talking to the cute girl in a group don’t just talk to the girl. Bring other people in.” In a related tactic, should you see a hot girl in a bar do not approach — instead befriend a less attractive group and then recruit them to help you seduce her.

Excuse me, none of you are attractive enough for a hot stud like me, but I might be able to make use of you in seducing that attractive woman over there! Because family values!

Other hot pickup lines for young conservatives:

You're so hot, I'd like to knock you up and then deny you any choice in whether to have my baby!

"Hi, would you like to implement a little "trickle-down?"

You could be a great job-creator! Blow-job creator, that is!

Damn, I'd like to reform your tax code!

Let's sleep together. Fair warning, though, I don't believe in equality of outcome!

Just for tonight, let's be libertarians.

Do you believe in the right to bear arms? Because I'd like to bare your arms! (I mean boobs)

I'd like to get the government off your back, and get you on it. (on your back, I mean. I'd like to get you on your back. You know, for sex.)

They're Baa-aaack!

2012-02-09T20:22:00.000-05:00

It's time for C-PAC again!

Time for the paranoid, the hateful, the dishonest and the just plain crazy to convene for their annual idiocy-fest!

Party like it's 1799!

If you wanted a glimpse into the alternate universe in which the righties live, this is the place for you! Here, for example is someone who ought to be a reasonable, responsible person, Mitch McConnell:

"You all know the liberal playbook. Here's how it works: Pick a target, freeze it, personalize it and then polarize it. But rarely have we seen those kind of tactics employed with the kind of zeal that we see today. The White House and it's lieutenants have made an art form out of the orchestrated attack. ... You know the drill. Expose the folks to public view, release the liberal thugs on them, and then hope the public pressure or the unwanted attention scares them from supporting similar causes down the road."

Liberal thugs. Isn't that an oxymoron? Aren't liberals supposed to be white-wine-sipping, Volvo-driving, Tree-hugging vegans?

And picking a target, personalizing it and polarizing? That's the Andrew Breitbart playbook.

And then there are guest speakers like Peter Brimelow, who writes for a website named "V-Dare." He writes lovely articles like:

Minority Occupation Govt. Forces Pepsi To Pay, Hire Possible Criminals
By Peter Brimelow on January 12, 2012 at 10:08am

. . .the real "racial bias" is on the part of the Obama Adminstration—it is using raw power to extort rent out of a corporate victim and redistribute it to favored racial groups.

“IMMIGRANT Congressman David Wu Resigns In Sex Scandal”
By Peter Brimelow on July 27, 2011 at 8:00pm
Well, you didn’t read that headline, although Wu (D-Ore) has indeed resigned after some sort of interaction with the 18-year old [i.e. legal] daughter of a donor. And he is indeed an immigrant, born in Taiwan in 1955 and coming to the U.S. with his parents in 1961.

New York Times Asks Why Unemployed Are Invisible; VDARE.com Explains
By Peter Brimelow on July 10, 2011 at 1:09pm

The plain fact is that a significant section of American intellectuals (including the semi-skilled sort who now staff labor unions) have simply lost interest in the working class, or more precisely in the working class as a path to power and ethnic dominance. Their current plan: elect a new people through non-traditional immigration.

Another person who should theoretically be a responsible adult, Rep. Steve King, defends the inclusion of Brimelow:

Rep. Steve King Defends White Nationalist On Conservative Panel

Washington, D.C. -- Iowa congressman Steve King is unconcerned about the implications of his appearance during a CPAC panel on "The Failure of Multiculturalism" featuring a white nationalist author, Peter Brimelow.
"I don't know anything about that," King, who came to the event to talk about his English Language Unity Act, told BuzzFeed -- though he'd earlier told Brimelow that "I've read all your books!"

And CPAC is just getting started. Way more horrible ugly insanity to come!

With Democrats like these, Who needs Republicans?

2012-02-09T18:41:00.000-05:00

Democrats propose 6-week cut in jobless benefits

By ANDREW TAYLOR | Associated Press – 4 hrs ago

. . .The Democratic proposal would allow unemployed people to receive a maximum 93 weeks of benefits in states with the highest jobless rates, rather than the 99 weeks permitted now. Republicans want to cut 20 weeks from the maximum benefit

Have we seriously gotten to the point where the only debate is over how much to screw the long-term unemployed? Yes. Yes we have.

Hey, Democrats, Republicans, Fuck you both!

Thanks to these two products, I may never sleep again.

2012-02-09T16:24:00.000-05:00

Seriously, if you want to be able to sleep without horrible nightmares, just don't even look at these.
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I'm not kidding.
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Well,m okay, I am kidding, but these are both pretty creepy products.

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.Okay, you asked for it.

(via STFUC)

The next one's worse.
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.Last warning.
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(Via MPS)

. . .The Horror. . .

Other positions for which Michele Bachmann would be an Equally Perfect Candidate

2012-02-08T16:21:00.001-05:00

Background:

The Minnesota congresswoman was asked by Bloomberg TV's Al Hunt which of the remaining candidates was the most conservative during an interview Friday, and said none of them measured up to her conservative credentials.
"I was. I was the perfect candidate," Bachmann said in response.

Other positions for which Ms. Bachmann would be just as perfect a candidate include:

Replacing Peyton Manning in Indianapolis

Guest on special "Help. my husband can't keep his hands off me" edition of Maury

Late Night talk show sidekick

Hey-oh!

Smart person

Speaking of Susan G. Komen and the Fundies. . .

2012-02-07T15:52:00.000-05:00

. . . As we were a few days ago, When I first heard about the Komen/Planned Parenthood thing I just assumed that right-wingers had bullied Komen into withdrawing their funding of Planned Parenthood. Turns out, the right-wing fundies actually came from within the Komen Organization.

When Karen Handel's name first came up in regards to this story, I thought her name sounded familiar. I thought maybe she was the one who wrote "The Messiah." But now I know who she is. She ran for Governor of Georgia a couple years back. And the REPUBLICAN PARTY of GEORGIA decided she was too wingnutty to win the nomination. And she holds a prominent position in the Susan G. Komen For the Cure Department. Then I find out that they also employ Ari Fleischer? Seriously? Who would hire that schmuck? So basically the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Varsity Walking Team is just another corrupt rightie-infested organization that does not deserve anyone's donation dollars whether they reverse course on Planned Parenthood or not.

Also, in writing about the Komen debacle, I find myself using the word "Fundies" a lot. I know it's common internet shorthand for "Fundamentalists" but every time I hear it, I can't help but think of this:

And I giggle like a schoolboy!

Also, I hear Komen likes to sue other charitable groups who dare to use the phrase "For the Cure," so I'm going to try to use that phrase as much as possible.

What Bible is this guy reading?

2012-02-05T16:01:00.001-05:00

McGill: Consequences to raising teacher pay
State Sen. Shadrack McGill defended a pay raise his predecessors in the Legislature passed, but said doubling teacher pay could lead to less-qualified educators.

"It's a Biblical principle. If you double a teacher's pay scale, you'll attract people who aren't called to teach."

I'm sorry, how is that a Biblical principle?

By the way, there is now officially a LEGO version of EVERYTHING!

Teachers need to make the money that they need to make. There needs to be a balance there. If you double what you're paying education, you know what's going to happen? I've heard the comment many times, ‘Well, the quality of education's going to go up.' That's never proven to happen, guys.

Um, in fairness, has anyone ever tried doubling teachers' pay?

Other than hers?

Saying that doubling teachers' pay has not been proven to improve performance is like saying that teaching cats to drive has never been proven to cause traffic fatalities.

For those of you under 40, Google "Toonces"

"To go in and raise someone's child for eight hours a day, or many people's children for eight hours a day, requires a calling. It better be a calling in your life. I know I wouldn't want to do it, OK?

Yeah, it's mutual!

"And these teachers that are called to teach, regardless of the pay scale, they would teach. It's just in them to do. It's the ability that God give 'em. And there are also some teachers, it wouldn't matter how much you would pay them, they would still perform to the same capacity.

So, the "Biblical Principle" is that many teachers are so dedicated to teaching that they will continue to teach no matter how shitty the pay? That's a Biblical principle?

Last year, McGill introduced a bill that would tie legislators' pay to the average teacher's pay, including benefits. He later claimed teachers in Alabama rank fourth in the nation in average pay and benefits of about $65,000.

Um, which Alabama are you referring to? The one in America? Because that state ranks about 42nd in average teacher salary, (source) so unless the benefits are out of this world, I gotta think you're full of shit.

Okay, those benefits are pretty impressive!

Okay, so to sum up, teachers shouldn't get decent pay because teaching is a noble calling. What about other types of public service, like, say, serving in the state government?

McGill, R-Woodville, said a 62 percent pay raise in 2007 - passed first by a controversial voice vote and later in an override of a veto by then-Gov. Bob Riley - better rewards lawmakers and makes them less susceptible to being swayed by lobbyists. McGill said that by paying legislators more, they're less susceptible to taking bribes.

Ohhhhh, yeah. That makes total sense. A 62% raise for you and your buddies is just a sensible bulwark against corruption. A raise for lawmakers makes them perform better. A raise for teachers makes them worse. Got it?

"That played into the corruption, guys, big time," he said. "You had your higher-ranking legislators that were connected with the lobbyists making up in the millions of dollars. They weren't worried about that $30,000 paid salary they were getting," McGill said, adding that lawmakers have to pay for their expenses out of pocket

Out of pocket? Gee, what must that be like?

So, remember everyone, God wants teachers to get low pay, but He wants State Senators to get big raises. At least in Alabama!

Read your Bible, people. It's all in there!

Crazy Candidate of the Day

2012-02-05T14:42:00.002-05:00

Florida's Mark Oxner.

Submitted without comment except to say that Alan Grayson apparently has a pretty good chance of returning to Congress, if this is any indication:

Bad Headline

2012-02-03T20:11:00.001-05:00

Ellen sparks controversy for J.C. Penney

No. No, that is incorrect. Ellen does not spark controversy. Ellen hasn't done anything wrong. It is the "Million Homophobic Moms" who are sparking the controversy, if controversy is, in fact, being sparked, by being hateful little bigots. Ellen is just doing her job, minding her own business. Why blame her for "sparking controversy?"

After J.C. Penney announced Ellen DeGeneres as the department store's new spokesperson last week, a conservative online organization launched a campaign to have her fired. Why? Because she's openly gay.

The One Million Moms organization, an extension of the American Family Association, called on members to urge the company to rethink their decision. "Funny that J.C. Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families," reads the call to action on the group's website. "The majority of J.C. Penney shoppers will be offended and choose to no longer shop there."

Um, couple of things. One, most "traditional families" don't have a problem with Ellen DeGeneres, realizing as they do that whomever Ellen finds attractive affects them and their families not at all, and Two: is there anyone shopping at J.C. Penney? Is it possible for people to choose to no longer shop at a store where they already do not shop?

Here's a little snippet from the "Million Judgmental Shrews" call to action:

As consumers, what we find tragic is a corporate office and customer service department that not only transfers customers to voicemail, but even hangs up on them rather than verses hearing their concerns.

So, obviously the Million Small-minded Bigoted Moms have a different definition of the word "tragic" than you or I or any normal person. Also, a different definition of the word "verses" which most of us understand to be the plural of "verse," as opposed to the word "Versus" which, I suppose, is the word they meant to use. Also, you really need only use the word "versus" or the phrase "rather than," not both.

It is absurd to think that a company would find treating customers in this fashion an acceptable behavior. Our members stated their concerns in a kind, professional manner.

Oh, really? How does one kindly and professionally relate the sentiment "we don't like her kind 'round here?" What does the kind professional version of anti-gay bigotry sound like?

Degeneres is not a true representation of the type of families who shop at the retailer.

True, she has a sense of style and can afford high-quality clothing.

Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war and listen to customers in a considerate fashion, their brand transformation will be unsuccessful.

JC Penney IS being neutral in the "culture war." This is what being neutral looks like. They made a business decision to hire a popular TV personality to represent them in their ads. They did not make this business decision based on any sort of "Culture war." If they cave in to your pressure, they would no longer be neutral, they would be siding with you. I don't think you understand the concept of neutrality. Honestly, the only people fighting this "war" is you geniuses. And you're losing.

Stop the Presses!

2012-02-02T18:49:00.000-05:00

This breaking news just in:

Punxsutawney Phil Isn't Always Right
By Alyssa Newcomb | ABC News Blogs – 11 hours ago

Wow, way to go, ABC! Way to nail down that scoop! The behavior of a random rodent is not really all that predictive of the future? Well blow me down!

An analysis by the National Climatic Data Center found there is no correlation between Phil's predictions and the actual weather.

The National Climatic Data Center? Please tell me that isn't a government agency. . . ah, crap! They have a .gov web address! Seems like the National Climatic Data Center ought to have bigger fish to fry than determining whether some ridiculous bit of nonsensical folklore involving a rodent might somehow have some shred of veracity in it. (hint: no, it does not)

The well-fed, revered groundhog also has a penchant for seeing his shadow. Ever since the tradition began in 1887, Phil (and his ancestors) saw their shadows 99 times, while predicting an early spring only 16 times. There was no record for nine of the years.

Of course he always sees his shadow! He's not blind. Assuming that it is actually possible to somehow determine what the little guy is actually seeing or not seeing, wouldn't you just assume that he would see his shadow? And the 16 times he supposedly didn't see it, wouldn't that just be an indication that it's time to break in a new groundhog, because this one's losing his eyesight?

But thank God we have a free press in this country so we can read hard-hitting investigative stories like this. ABC News, give this lady a raise!

Way to go, Fundie Assholes!

2012-02-01T13:13:00.001-05:00

Apparently, anti-abortion fanatics have managed to bully the Susan G. Komen Foundation into stopping funding breast cancer prevention at Planned Parenthood because sometimes women go there to terminate unwanted pregnancies.

NEW YORK – Planned Parenthood Federation of America today expressed deep disappointment in response to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation’s decision to stop funding breast cancer prevention, screenings and education at Planned Parenthood health centers.

Good job, fundies! Way to go. Now some women are going to die of breast cancer because the place that does the screenings offends your religious beliefs. way to sacrifice the lives of grown women to preserve embryos!
You know, if you don't want money going to fund abortions, I get that. It's really not your business if someone else wants to donate their money, but I get that you want to protect this:

But do you really hate grown women so much that you're willing to let them get breast cancer just to spite the place that does the abortions? Stopping PP from performing mammograms is not going to save a single embryo, you know. Just maybe kill a few women. Out of spite. Great job, you fundamentalist assholes.

Planned Parenthood has started raising money to try and replace the money they previously got from the Komen Foundation. You can go HERE to donate.

How to tell when you've hit rock-bottom of patheticness. . .

2012-01-30T17:17:00.002-05:00

. . .When you get pwned by Miss Piggy

Star Wars is Totally Gay!

2012-01-30T16:27:00.000-05:00

Tony Perkins has a warning for you.

Surprise, surprise, it's a warning about something that will turn your kids gay!

Tony Knows Gay!

So what is it this time?

Star Wars!

Totally gay!

Specifically, some new online Star wars video game. I'll let him explain.

(via Raw Story)

“In a new Star Wars game, the biggest threat to the empire may be homosexual activists!” Perkins announced during his daily radio commentary. “In a galaxy not so far far away, Star Wars gamers have already gone to the dark side.

First, do we even have to point out that the Empire is evil? That the good guys in the Star Wars movies are fighting the evil Empire? So anything which is a threat to the Empire is a good thing?

I find your lack of a girlfriend disturbing!

So what is it about the new Star Wars game? Light sabres replaced by giant laser-penises? Star Wars theme replaced by show tunes? Do you have to score points by gay-sexing George Lucas?

oh please, oh please oh please!

Oh, no. Nothing that innocuous. They have something much more insidious up their sleeves!

The new video game, Star Wars: The Old Republic, has added a special feature: gay relationships.”

And all the players will be forced into these gay relationships? Well, that does sound kinda wrong, if . . .I'm sorry I'm being told that no one will be forced into anything. Apparently, in these huge multi-player online games it is possible to have virtual relationships with other players, and the new Star wars game may have it possible for two players of the same gender to form one of these fake relationships if that's what they're into. That's it.

Dude, I have so many on-line girlfriends.

Don't hate the playa, hate the game!

He continued: “On the game’s website, there are more than 300 pages of comments–a lot of them expressing anger that their kids will be exposed to this Star Warped way of thinking.

Oh, I see what you did there! Star Warped! What a clever man you must be!

You can join them by logging on and speaking up. It’s time to show companies who the Force is really with!”

Heh, heh, I mean Jesus! Show them who Jesus is with!

Of course, this is a bogus claim also, as Raw Story points out:

A quick search of Bioware’s forum shows that there are probably not “300 pages of comments” on the topic — and very few if any of the commenters were “angry” about the idea. In fact, most players were more concerned that the featured had not already been released

Although, to be fair, it's kind of hard to make heads or tails of comments like:

I do realize how my shooting through the ranks Jedi Sentinel would miss out on Kira regardless. I also kind of want to see Mako, if she's really a good male option (she's young-acting enough that I wonder if it can be done well), become a s/s option for everyone, but understand what that means for my friend who's a Smuggler right now.

Although, some comments are written in Earth language and they tend to be along these lines:

Of course we want same sex romances and having romance option with Khem Val on SI.

I would also like to see more variability in the romance options. I mean, this isn't 1952 anymore. If it chaps someone who cares?

If you don't want the same sex content, don't choose those chat options. It's quite simple and pretty damn selfish for people to say it shouldn't be included.

I gave the forum the quick once-over and I didn't see any commenters who seemed to be at all angry about the new same-sex option.

So, I guess my main question for Tony Perkins is what exactly is the threat here? Are you worried that gamers are going to discover that gayness is a thing that exists and then, what, want to try it out? And then they'll turn gay and it will all be Star Wars' fault? And then when they're all gay, they won't want to send their hard-earned money in to the Family Research Coun. . .that's it isn't it? That's the only thing that makes sense. Because it can't honestly make any difference to you whether computer game players like boobies or not, can it? That couldn't possibly affect you. But if people maybe don't want to send money in to anti-gay hate groups, well that could be a problem for someone like you.

Well I say put gay features in all video games! Seriously, if you could turn on-line role-playing gamers gay, at least they'd have a chance to have sex sometime in their lives. 'Cause God knows they aren't getting girlfriends!

Is it Caturday?

2012-01-28T07:18:00.000-05:00

I don't even know what day it is right now. I've been working the overnight shift the last couple weeks and my internal clock is all messed up (hence my spotty posting lately)

Just to be on the safe side, cats:

And non-cats:

There, I should be covered either way.

New Hampshire has Idiots in Positions of Responsibility Too.

2012-01-28T07:07:00.000-05:00

Apparently, some lawmakers in New Hampshire think it ought to be a bit more difficult to arrest a man for domestic violence.
(via the Concord Monitor)

House Bill 1581 would turn the clock back 40 years to an age when a police officer could not make an arrest in a domestic violence case without first getting a warrant unless he or she actually witnessed the crime.

So, a cop shows up at the house, sees the wife with a black eye and the husband with bruised knuckles, he can't just go around making arrests willy-nilly. He's got to leave the scene, leave the victim there with her abuser, go find a judge, swear out a warrant and come back to make the arrest? And that seems reasonable to whatever psycho wrote this bill?
And that psycho would be one Representative Daniel Itse, who proudly proclaims on his website that he:

	Will protect New Hampshire families even when
	it is not politically correct.

Apparently, for Mr. Itse, "families" does not include "wives." Because they would not really be protected so much under his bill.

Of course, Mr. Itse has family values. His website has a list of some of his core values:

Dan’s core beliefs by which he will represent Rockingham District 9 are as follows:
1. Self-government (self-control and personal responsibility) is the foundation of our constitutional republic.
2. My first job as a State Representative is to protect you [sic]rights from the government.
(emphasis in original)

Including your right to not be protected from domestic abuse.
Then there's also HB1608:

House Bill 1608 would also almost certainly cost lives. It removes judicial discretion by severely restricting when someone who has violated a domestic violence protective order can be arrested to three offenses: committing an act of abuse or an offense against the person named in the protective order, or engaging in prohibited contact.
The bill would also, law enforcement believes, remove a judge's ability to order a defendant in a domestic violence case to relinquish weapons or prevent him or her from purchasing a gun. It would also eliminate law enforcement's ability to arrest a defendant who threatens to use physical force against a victim or her children. All are changes that could have deadly consequences and make life more frightening for abuse victims and their families.

The psycho who introduced this bill is one Mr. Skip Reilly, about whom I couldn't really find out very much, he doesn't seem to have a website. So I'm going to go ahead and assume that this is a fair depiction:

Update: Bill 1608 was rejected in committee, due partly to the fact that bill sponsor Skip Reilly failed to show up for the hearing. (http://www.wmur.com/r/30295720/detail.html)

Me no have alarm clock!

Oklahoma Continues to Lead the Field in Protecting Us From Imaginary Threats

2012-01-25T18:10:00.000-05:00

(VIA)

A bill introduced in the Oklahoma Legislature: “No person or entity shall manufacture or knowingly sell food or any other product intended for human consumption which contains aborted human fetuses in the ingredients or which used aborted human fetuses in the research or development of any of the ingredients.”

Still technically legal in Oklahoma:

Feeding human fetuses to animals
Feeding mis-carried human fetuses to people
Soylent Green

Jones and Jools

2012-01-25T05:07:00.000-05:00

Tennessee Teabaggers About as Weird and Awful as One Might Expect

2012-01-24T06:03:00.000-05:00

The Tennessee Tea Parties are issuing a set of demands for the teaching of history in TN.

(Via the Memphis Commercial Appeal)

NASHVILLE — Members of Tennessee tea parties presented state legislators with five priorities for action Wednesday, including “rejecting” the federal health reform act, establishing an elected “chief litigator” for the state and “educating students the truth about America.”

Wait. Chief Litigator? Does Tennessee not have an Attorney General? Isn't that what a "chief litigator" is?

All Currently Available

Regarding education, the material they distributed said, “Neglect and outright ill will have distorted the teaching of the history and character of the United States. We seek to compel the teaching of students in Tennessee the truth regarding the history of our nation and the nature of its government.”

Okay, that sounds reasonable. But of course, you know it won't be.

That would include, the documents say, that “the Constitution created a Republic, not a Democracy.”

Um, everyone already knows that. Are they worried that Tennesseeans are going to try to vote directly for laws rather than electing representatives to . . . oh, forget it. It doesn't matter. The real point is their demands re: history textbooks.

The material calls for lawmakers to amend state laws governing school curriculums, and for textbook selection criteria to say that “No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership.”

Sure, sure, it's important to be sure that those pesky minorities don't get too much ink. Although, apparently, it's okay if it's a minority experience which did not actually occur?

Fayette County attorney Hal Rounds, the group’s lead spokesman during the news conference, said the group wants to address “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.

Intruding on the Indians? Intruding? What did the pilgrims walk in on them in the bathroom?

I don't know which is worse, that the attempted genocide of Native Americans would be considered a mere "intrusion" or that criticizing said genocide would be considered "made-up criticism." Oh, and also slavery is totally made up. None of the Founding Fathers ever had any slaves. You could look it up! But don't.

R.I.P. Etta James

2012-01-23T23:52:00.000-05:00

The legendary Ms Etta James went on to the great concert hall in the sky a couple days ago.

I saw here back in 1986 at the San Fransisco Blues Festival, and she would have torn the roof off the place, had the show been indoors. Buddy Guy and Junior Wells joined her backup band along with Ms Katie Webster on piano. It was such an amazing set that Albert King could not follow her. My friend and i started heading for our car during his set. Later we felt shitty about it when we were informed that he was dying of cancer, which might have affected his performance.
Anyway, Etta James was one of the greatest singers of all time. I don't know that anyone ever matched the sheer power of her voice. She will be missed.

What Have I Missed?

2012-01-23T23:32:00.000-05:00

Let's see, what have I missed being offline for the last several days?

Gingrich Wins South Carolina Primary
By Associated Press | January 21, 2012

Hmm, South Carolina prefers the arrogant Southern blowhard to the arrogant Yankee blowhards? What a scoop!

Jan 22, 2012

American Idol Auditions 3: On An Aircraft Carrier

What better platform from which to jump a shark?

Elder President Bush Saddened By Paterno’s Death
January 22, 2012 5:17 PM

Wow, a member of America's worst family shows how cluelessly out of touch with reality he is? Stop the presses!

In a statement Bush called Paterno “an outstanding American who was respected not only on the field of play but in life generally.”

You know, other than the looking the other way while little boys are being raped part, he was very highly respected. Because he won a lot of football games. Which is what's really important.

Let's see, what else. . . oh, someone invented a bear creepier than Pedo-Bear:

Cock-Blocking Bear strikes again!

technicaL difficulties

2012-01-16T20:18:00.000-05:00

wi_fi wont cooperate.
this is all im gvoinvg to type on a phon e.
back soon

What's New, Pussycaturday?

2012-01-14T18:48:00.000-05:00

Possible names for if I ever become a masked Mexican Wrestler

2012-01-12T19:47:00.000-05:00

El Niño Guapo

El Lindo Gatito

El Vendedor

El Feto

Calzoncillo

Crazy Candidate of the Day

2012-01-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

Well, it's election season again. Time for the crazy candidates to come out of the woodwork.

Today's crazy candidate is Alabama's Kathy Peterson, who is running for some position that they have in Alabama.

If elected, Ms Peterson will prevent the EPA from eliminating people to create their "perfect world," because that's what the EPA does. They eliminate people. They're like a combination of the CIA and the Mafia, basically, with a little Batman Villain thrown in.
What Alabama needs is business-type people in charge of its public service commission, because public services just aren't being run profitably. So, if you live in Alabama, please consider Kathy Peterson. Don't make her husband come shoot you in your stupid, environment-loving face!

Well, it's about goddamn time!

2012-01-10T19:12:00.001-05:00

How the Hell did it take this long?

Pat Buchanan out indefinitely at MSNBC

Why was Pat Buchanan ever on MSNBC to begin with? I could see the scumbags at FOX trotting him out, although I would think that even they might steer clear of him in order to protect their "we're not racist, but. . ." veneer. But MSNBC? It never did make any sense. I never got why Rachel Maddow, in particular, treats him like a curmudgeonly but lovable old uncle.

How is it that any legitimate outlet would keep trotting out a man who regularly says things like:

The poor homosexuals -- they have declared war upon nature, and now nature is extracting an awful retribution.
--Pat Buchanan, discussing AIDS in 1983, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

There were no politics to polarize us then, to magnify every slight. The "negroes" of Washington had their public schools, restaurants, bars, movie houses, playgrounds and churches; and we had ours.
-- Pat Buchanan, when discussing race relations in the 1950s, in Right from the Beginning, Buchanan's 1988 autobiography, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

How, then, can the feds justify favoring sons of Hispanics over sons of white Americans who fought in World War II or Vietnam?
-- Pat Buchanan, discussing affirmative action, January 23, 1995, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

Hitler's success was not based on his extraordinary gifts alone. His genius was an intuitive sense of the mushiness, the character flaws, the weakness masquerading as morality that was in the hearts of the statesmen who stood in his path.
-- Pat Buchanan, in a 1977 column, The Guardian, January 14, 1992, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

Rail as they will about "discrimination," women are simply not endowed by nature with the same measures of single-minded ambition and the will to succeed in the fiercely competitive world of Western capitalism.
-- Pat Buchanan, November 22, 1983, quoted from Political Amazon's "Quotes from Hell"

(all quotes VIA)

Also this.

Somehow, MSNBC has felt okay about putting this man on its airwaves for years.

MSNBC’s Griffin apparently believes, however, that Buchanan’s newest work
has crossed a line.

Ohhhhh. Crossed a line. Where exactly was this line, because it seems like Buchanan hasn't seen that line in the rearview mirror for about a hundred miles.

So, apparently this "line" is situated somewhere between "I think [Barack Obama]'s affirmative action all the way." and "Those who believe the rise to power of an Obama rainbow coalition of peoples of color means the whites who helped to engineer it will steer it are deluding themselves. The whites may discover what it is like to ride in the back of the bus."

Apparently, what it took for MSNBC to finally admit that Buchanan is a racist embarrassment to their network was for Pat to publish an entire book of his paranoid white-supremacist nightmares, and then for the "Color of Change" folks to spend like a year bringing this to their attention until they could finally deny it no longer.

Oh, but don't worry, Grand Dragon Pat hasn't actually been fired, just "suspended indefinitely."

The network executive said that there has been no decision as to whether Buchanan will be allowed at any point to re-join the network’s political team.

Which is sort of like an oncologist saying that he hasn't yet decided whether or not to put the tumor back in.

To join Color of Change in demanding that MSNBC fire Buchanan, click here: http://colorofchange.org/campaign/buchanan/

Jonesuary Continues

2012-01-09T20:03:00.000-05:00

We were at this show! If you listen closely, you can hear us clapping.

So, apparently pretty much anyone can issue an endorsement now.

2012-01-09T19:55:00.000-05:00

The Duggars endorse Rick Santorum

Via POLITICO’s Maggie Haberman, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has picked up an endorsement from the Duggar family, famous for the TLC reality show “19 and Counting.”

Why would anyone think that the endorsement of this carnival sideshow of a family would be helpful? Is anyone having a hard time deciding on a candidate waiting for these weirdos to weigh in?
Oh, but what if Octomom endorses Romney? What if the women who didn't know they were pregnant throw their support behind Ron Paul? Or the 16 & Pregnant girls line up behind Rick Perry?

And Santorum gets the endorsement of the entire Duggar family? Aren't most of them children?

Although, to be fair, none of them are fetuses in Mason jars.

But really, what would go through the minds of these people to decide that " the people should know which assclown candidate our family has chosen." Because who wouldn't seek guidance from a man who just keeps knocking up the wife again and again with no concern for her health whatsoever and a woman who believes that if the Good Lord has given you a vagina, you should use it to machine-gun fire as many Village of the Damned kids into the world as you possibly can until your last egg is spent.

I'm waiting to see who the animal hoarders throw their support behind.

A new civil rights hero!

2012-01-08T17:52:00.000-05:00

Colorado high school senior Sydney Spies and her mother are fighting for her rights. Apparently her high school administration is being totally repressive and totally like, violating her rights and stuff.

There's a bus. Just like Rosa Parks!

Yes she and her mother are out there fighting for freedom of the press and freedom of expression and really, just freedom in general.

So, what was the initial provocation, the violation of this young woman's rights which prodded her into taking a stand and saying "no more?"

A Colorado teenager whose yearbook picture was rejected for being too revealing is vowing to fight the ban with her high school’s administration

Yes. The administration decided it would not put this picture in the school yearbook:

Colorado Student Banned from Yearbook Over Racy Photo (ABC News)

Just because it looks like the cover of High School Lolitas IV.

“I feel like they aren’t allowing me to have my freedom of expression,” Spies told the Herald. ”I think the administration is wrong in this situation, and I don’t want this to happen to other people.”

Other people. She selflessly thinks of other people at a time like this! Because if it can happen to her, what's to stop them from doing it to you? First they came for the hot chick, and I said nothing for I was neither hot nor a chick. . .

Next thing you know, You won't be able to wear this dress to the prom!

Fortunately, she is not alone in this fight.

Spies was joined by her mother, Miki Spies, and a handful of fellow Durango High students and alumni in a protest outside the school Wednesday after, she said, administrators informed her the photo would not be permitted because it violated dress code.

Seriously? That's the mother's reaction? Not "put a shirt on, dear." or "let me explain why that sort of picture is inappropriate." No, her mother's reaction is to take time away from whatever she normally does all day to come down to the school to demand her daughter's right to portray herself as eye-candy. Watch out, Dina Lohan, there's a new candidate for mother of the century!

Look at me! I'm famous! I mean my daughter's famous! I mean LOOK AT ME!

Prior to today’s meeting, the Spies family told local media they planned to meet with a civil lawyer in Denver to review their daughter’s case.

A lawyer. They're going meet with a layer over this issue.

This generation has no future.

Good Job, Iowa!

2012-01-05T18:18:00.001-05:00

This is the guy whose campaign you just resurrected.

Way to go. You just catapulted this vile, loathsome worm back into the national spotlight in all of his sex-obsessed glory.

Now, there's nothing necessarily wrong with being sex-obsessed. If you are say, Wilt Chamberlain or Ron Jeremy, or every teen-aged boy ever. But combine sex-obsession with a healthy dose of self-loathing and a double helping of Catholic Guilt, and you get shit like this:

“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country,”

People using contraception face the danger of not being impregnated or not exposed to HIV. Are you brave enough to take that risk?

“It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

ie, having sex without being punished for it?

It’s supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal but also immunative but also procreative. That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen.

Yeah, I didn't know what the word "immunative" means either. In my defense, neither did Dictionary dot Com. I did find a definition of sorts on Trade.Mar.Cx:

IMMUNATIVE
BIONATIVE AB
Pharmaceutical preparations in tablet and liquid form of the treatment of infectious diseases, namely bacteriae and fungus diseases; dietary preparations for use as nutritional food supplements; anti-fungal and antibacterial preparations in tablet and liquid form; antibacterial and anti-fungal wound dressings; antiseptics; medical plasters; medicated mouthwashes; veterinary preparations for warm blooded mammals; in tablet and liquid form for treatment of pulmonary and dermatological diseases

So apparently, sex with Rick is a lot like that. Medicated mouthwashes, warm-blooded mammals, and dermatological diseases. Sounds pretty hot!

That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen. When we take any part of that out, we diminish the act. If you can take one part out, when it's not for purposes of procreation, that's not one of the reasons, then you diminish this very special bond between men and women.

Because you can't really have a special bond with a non-pregnant woman! Am I right, fellas? This guy knows what I'm talking about!

Look how close they are!

So why can't you take other parts of it out? And all of a sudden it becomes deconstructed to the point where it's simply pleasure. And that's certainly a part of it, and it's an important part of it, don't get me wrong. But there are a lot of things we do for pleasure.

For example.

And this is special and it needs to be seen as special. And, again, I know most presidents don't talk about those things. And maybe people don't want us to talk about those things.

Also, otters do not want you to talk about such things.

La la la la la I Can't hear you making sex sound totally creepy!

I'm not running for preacher, I'm not running for pastor. But these are important public policy issues.

Yes, important public policy issues. What folks do in private is important public policy. That's the guy you voted for, Iowa! Nice going. Do you know how close we were to never having to hear from this despicable little ratfuck ever again? His numbers were in single digits, he was looking up at Bachmann. BACHMANN! And once he was out of this race, that was it for him. It's not like he has the charisma to start picking up a paycheck from FOX. He was gone. Until you geniuses let him finish a close second. Way to go, Iowa!

Jonesuary Duets

2012-01-04T19:53:00.000-05:00

Tom Jones with Aretha Franklin

With Van the Man and Jeff Beck

With Tina Turner

With Janis Joplin

With Jerry Lee Lewis

With little Richard

If Newt Gingrich were half as smart as he thinks he is, he'd be twice as smart as he is.

2012-01-03T17:57:00.000-05:00

Why does Gingrich feel the need to constantly try to make people think he's smarter than everyone else?

First he said that he understood the Constitution better than lawyers because he's an HISTORIAN! Oooooh!

Now, there's this:

"I'm an amateur paleontologist, so I've spent a lot of time looking at the earth's temperature over a very long time," Gingrich said. "I'm a lot harder to convince than just by looking at a computer model."

Really? You like dinosaurs so you're an expert on, um, something?

Really? You're an amateur scientist so we should trust you over professional scientists?

And, really? You're interest in paleontology qualifies you to comment on climatology? Really? You think your fake expertise in one field of science carries over into other branches? Like "science" is some all-inclusive field of study? Really?

I'm an expert in SCIENCE!

Jonesuary 3, 2012

2012-01-03T17:33:00.000-05:00

Happy Jonesuary

Fun With Real Quotes

2012-01-02T18:09:00.000-05:00

In which I add writer's embellishments to some of the dumbest quotes of 2011.

And I said "Oh, hi Mom!"

And will continue to be for the next four years.

Because no one is more secular and atheist than radical Muslims!

Jonesuary

2012-01-02T17:42:00.000-05:00

Hear ye, Hear ye!

In my capacity as King, I hereby decree that henceforth, the first month of each year shall be known as "JONESUARY!"

This is, of course, to honor "The Voice," or as he is more commonly known
"Tom Mother-Fuckin' Jones!"

If you've never seen Tom Jones perform live, do yourself a favor and catch him next time he comes around. Or take a trip to Vegas or Atlantic City or Reno or wherever to see the man before it's too late. The man is 70 years old, there may not be a lot of chances left.

We've seen him a few times, most recently last year on his "Praise & Blame" Tour, and he still has the golden pipes. I know, when people think of Tom Jones, they think of kitsch, they think of the guy with the Greg Brady 'fro and the open shirt shakin' his money-maker for a bunch of horny old ladies, but A) looking past the gigolo act, he's always been a great singer and B) he doesn't really do that anymore. The man has dignity. He's not this guy anymore:

Now he's this guy:

And if you haven't heard his latest album, "Praise and Blame," check it out on his MySpace Page, or listen to a couple of samples below:

The Year in TV

2011-12-29T20:56:00.000-05:00

Have I ever mentioned that I love TV?

Because I loooooove TV. Maybe it comes from growing up without it, but I am a TV fiend. The first thing I do when I walk into a room is turn on the TV. Fortunately, the Missus feels the same way. Anyway. . .

My favorite new show:

Portlandia

I don't know why they won't let Fred Armissen be this funny on SNL. Also I don't know why Carrie Brownstein hasn't been doing comedy before this, because she is amazing.

Three comedies I just started watching that turned out to be way funnier than I expected:

1. Party Down - Such a dumb name, and also we don't have STARZ (does anyone?), but I heard some of the cast members on "Doug Loves Movies" and they were all pretty funny, and then Netflix had it available for streaming, so I checked it out. Awesome! Also, a pleasant surprise, when Jane Lynch left, I had a sad

especially since she left to be a part of that piece of shit "GLEE,"

But then Megan Mullalley replaced her.

and she's even better! She is really a terrific comic actress, she was easily the best part of Will & Grace. (We used to say that the only problems with Will & Grace were Will and Grace)

2. Squidbillies - I don't know what ever possessed me to TIVO an episode of this ridiculous-looking cartoon, but after one episode, I was in love!

Yes, with this! Don't judge!

3. Workaholics - It's not exactly brilliant or anything, but considering that the promos made it look pretty bad, it's just a lot funnier than I expected it to be.

Show with which I am currently most obsessed:

Breaking Bad.

I watched the first episode when it originally came on and I really liked it, but for some reason I never set TIVO to record it and then once I had missed a couple, I figured I was too far behind to catch up. So I've just started watching Season 1 on Netflix and now I'm totally hooked. I always liked Bryan Cranston as a comic actor, but who knew he could bring this kind of intensity to a dramatic role without ever feeling like he's chewing scenery. Brilliant!

Biggest Disappointment:

The season finale of American Horror Story.

I thought they had done a really good job most of the year of building the suspense and mystery, although once we found out that Violet was dead, it kinda lost some steam. But still, the promos promised us that the "terrifying secret" would be revealed. Now, full disclosure we did have a brief power outage, so I missed about 5 minutes towards the end, but unless the reveal happened in those 5 minutes, I think they lied. Which would be fine if they were adding another layer to the mystery or whatever, but instead we got Ben and Vivien putting on this silly ghost show to scare off the new homeowners (and really, Ben, couldn't you scare the lady off without sexually assaulting her? That is not okay.) And sociopathic Tate suddenly having a hard time killing a guy if he's making eye contact, and he's only killing the guy so that the girl with whom he is in love can have a boyfriend? He doesn't even make a single attempt to win her back? That is an incredibly selfless act for a sociopath. Honestly, the whole episode just felt like a huge letdown.

Also, enough with the rubber suit.

Show that never gets old:

Project Runway

I'm a breeder, I have no interest in the world of fashion, and I generally don't care for reality shows, but I never miss an episode. Even though almost every year, someone I hate ends up winning. (not this year, I really liked Anya both as a person and a designer)

Biggest Loss:

Law & Order.

How are we to live in a Universe in which there are no new episodes of Law and Order? I honestly can't remember a time when there was no Law & Order. And I know they're going to keep making SVU, but I can't imagine that show without Christopher Meloni.

Funniest Show:

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

It's definitely not for everyone, certainly not for the easily offended, but the cast is terrific, the writing is sharp, and somehow a show about 5 un-lovable losers just keeps bringing the laughs. I can't explain it, but if you haven't seen it, you're missing out.

Best Network that isn't HBO:

The network that gave us The Shield, Rescue Me, and 30 Days is still producing some of the best original content on TV: Louie, Archer, It's Always Sunny, Justified, Sons of Anarchy. . . the big four networks wish they had shows like these.

Two shows I need to start watching:

Community and Parks and Rec

I watched the first episode of Community with high hopes, being a big fan of Joel McHale, but I wasn't impressed. Since then, I keep hearing that it's the most creative, smart comedy on television, so I'm definitely going to have to give it another chance if it's not too late already. Same with Parks and Rec. I watched it a little bit when it first came on and it just seemed like a sad rip-off of the Office with a less-funny cast. But lately It's been getting so much good buzz that I'll have to check it out again.

Best Overall Show:

Louie.

It has some of the cringe-inducing comedy of a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" or "Extras," but that's really just the beginning. Some of the best stuff on Louie isn't even funny. (An entire episode last year about a traumatic incident in Catholic school). Louie is like a Woody Allen movie, dealing with issues like aging, depression, the futility of love, the terror of fatherhood while finding moment of laugh-out-loud funny in there somehow. Louie C.K. is brilliant.

Worst Show:

30 Rock

Okay, sure there are worse shows than 30 Rock, but there isn't another show which started off with such high hopes and plunged so quickly into dreck. I can't even watch it anymore. They've managed to make Tracy Morgan completely un-funny and annoying. The best episodes of the last couple years was when Tracy disappeared and Sherri Shepherd guest-starred as his estranged wife. It was great to see that the show was still capable of being funny. But even then, they insist on pushing Kenneth the page, the least funny, most irritating character to hit prime-time since the little girl robot on "Small Wonder," as a primary character. Does anyone actually like this character? Can anyone stand him? He's a horrible actor and just an absurdly unbelievable character. He's two one-dimensional to even qualify as a stereotype Southern hillbilly. (By the way, I have been to Stone Mountain, GA, where Kenneth supposedly hails from, and it is absolutely not a pig-farming backwater. It is a suburb of Atlanta, for fuck's sake)

Dear Readers,

2011-12-29T17:10:00.000-05:00

Y U No leave comments anymore?

Do you have any idea how fragile my little ego is?

Does Everyone Else Get These E-Mails?

2011-12-28T18:32:00.000-05:00

Every Christmastime, some idiot will always forward one of these "fill-in-the-blank is really secret code for something Biblical" e-mails. Sort of a DaVinci Code Christmas special or something. They're all based on the odd notion that in pre-20th Century Europe, Christians had to worship in secret for fear of persecution or something. And of course, they're all nonsense.

During the years from 1558 until 1829, law did not permit Roman Catholics in England to practice their religious openly. Because of this, a song was written for young Catholics. This carol that we sing today has two levels of meaning, the meaning we all hear and understand but a hidden coded meaning for members of the church. This code was to help Catholic children remember the religious meaning.

The code was as follows:

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

Oh, that makes sense. Because what better representation of a man suffering a slow, painful death than a plump little bird sitting in a fruit tree? i know whenever I see birds alighting on the branches outside our window, what immediately springs to mind is the torturous execution methods of the Roman Empire!

Oh, look! Here come some little birdies now!

Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope, and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

Ridiculous! Everyone knows that the three French hens stand for the trinity!

And it goes on and on like that. It's ridiculous, of course, but people apparently really believe it. I mean, you might as well say that "Nine Pound Hammer" is about the "nine fruits of the Holy Spirit" Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness. Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. Or that "One is the Loneliest Number" is about the one true God or something.

Although it's probably a bit less ridiculous than the true story of the candy cane:

The True Meaning of the Candy Cane
A candy maker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would be a witness for Jesus, so he made the Christmas Candy Cane.

Now, one might suppose that the candymaker might make, say a chocolate crucifix or a marzipan nativity scene or something, but no. That would be too obvious! The bad guys might catch on. You do NOT want to get caught practicing Christianity in Indiana!

. . .he made the Christmas Candy Cane. He incorporated several symbols for the birth, ministry and death of Jesus Christ.

Lovingly rendered in peppermint.

He began with a stick of pure white hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and sinless nature of Jesus. The hardness of the candy was used to to symbolize the Solid Rock, the Foundation of the Church and firmness of the promises of God.

Really? Is that really what anyone would think of when eating hard candy? Why, this candy is as hard as the rock-solid promises of God and oh, wait. It broke.

The candy maker made this candy in the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to earth as our Savior. It also represents the staff of the "Good Shepherd" with which he reaches down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs, who like all sheep have gone astray.

Great, except that it's not a "J." And if you turn it over so that it does look like a J, it's a lower-case j, which is not what one uses for a proper name, especially if that name is the name of the Lord God.

Dude, not cool!

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candy maker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the flogging Jesus received by which we are healed. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ at the cross so we could have the promise of eternal life.

Wouldn't they both be blood? Wouldn't the "stripes" from flogging be blood? Also, he decided to commemorate the blood of Christ because the candy looked a little plain? That seems like a pretty flippant reason to bring up the Blood of Christ.

The bread just seemed a little plain by itself.

I'm starting to think that none of these people is serious about running.

2011-12-27T20:07:00.001-05:00

Gingrich fails to qualify in US primary

Early Saturday morning the Virginia GOP announced that Newt Gingrich didn't secure enough signatures to be placed on their Super Tuesday primary ballot. Newt wasn't alone in this. It turns out that most of the GOP field failed to do this, leaving Va. Republican voters with a choice between Mitt Romney and Ron Paul.

Seriously, Gingrich, Perry, Bachmann and Santorum could not get a mere 10,000 signatures to get their names placed on the ballot. Are they even trying?

Of course, trust Newt to turn this embarrassing failure into an excuse for self-aggrandizement, via a statement from his campaign manager Micheal Krull:

“Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941,” campaign director Michael Krull wrote on the Gingrich Facebook page. “

December, 1941.

I would say that Gingrich is really cheapening the memory of this tragedy, but he already did that:

And, never one to pass up the chance to play the whiny little victim, Newtie had this to say:

“Only a failed system excludes four out of the six major candidates seeking access to the ballot. Voters deserve the right to vote for any top contender, especially leading candidates.

Yes, clearly it is the system which has failed. Just like my high school math theacher was a total failure when I forgot to do my homework that time.
Now, this should be the depths of Newt's patheticness, but somehow it isn't. Because Newt goes on to say:

We will work with the Republican Party of Virginia to pursue an aggressive write-in campaign to make sure that all the voters of Virginia are able to vote for the candidate of their choice.”

Which doesn't sound too pathetic, until you find out that: the Virginia state code does not permit write-in candidates in a primary election.

Have a U 900 Christmas

2011-12-24T15:12:00.000-05:00

The Seven Deadly Memes

2011-12-22T23:34:00.000-05:00

Wrath:

Pride:

Lust:

Greed:

Sloth:

Gluttony:

Chuck Norris is not good at linking to things.

2011-12-21T17:56:00.000-05:00

Or, I should say, whoever writes this claptrap to which Chuck Norris affixes his name is not good at linking to things.

Case in point: Chuck's most recent steaming pile of words for the American Family Association.

Chuck Norris: U.S. Dept. of Defense and their war on religion, Part I

In which Chuck purports to link to a "dozen-plus examples reported by the FRC, Rep. Forbes office, and a few of my own I found, which document how religious freedom and Christian liberty in particular have been limited, quarantined, omitted, or outright obliterated"

Let's check a few of Chuck's references:

The Pentagon releases new regulations, forcing chaplains to perform same-sex "weddings" despite their religious objections (September 2011).

Which sounds super-scary, except that it links to a Washington Post article headlined:

Gay weddings can be performed by military chaplains, Pentagon says

Yes, it says "CAN," not "MUST." Well, maybe Chuck skipped the headline. Let's see what the actual body of the article says about chaplains being forced to perform same-sex weddings against their will:

The Pentagon will permit military chaplains to perform same-sex marriage as long as such ceremonies are not prohibited in the states where they reside, it said Friday.
Defense Department guidance issued to military chaplains said they may participate in ceremonies on or off military bases in states that recognize gay unions. Chaplains are not required to officiate at same-sex weddings if doing so is counter to their religious or personal beliefs, the guidance said.
[emphasis added by me]

The article explicitly says the opposite of what Chuck is saying. And this is the article to which Chuck links to bolster his point.

Here's another example:

The Air Force is building an $80,000 Stonehenge-like worship site for "earth based" religions, including "pagans, Wiccans, druids, witches, and followers of Native American faiths" (November 2011).

Okay, so spending money to accomodate "Earth-based" religions is an example of religious freedom being obliterated? Even if, by "religious freedom" you mean "religious freedom of right-wing Christians," which you probably do, this is still way off the mark. And the article to which you link contradicts your claim in a couple of ways. First with this quote about religious freedom not exactly being limited or "quarantined" or whatever:

This is not about religious tolerance — a phrase Duncan, a Christian, rejects as implying that the majority religion is simply putting up with the minority. He calls it a 1st Amendment issue. If the military is to defend the Constitution, it should also be upholding its guarantee of religious freedom. "We think we are setting the standard," Duncan says.

And second, with this picture of the new structure which really looks nothing like Stonehenge:

Cadets gather for the dedication ceremony of the Air Force Academy's Cadet Chapel Falcon Circle worship center this spring. The center serves cadets whose religions fall under the broad category of Earth-based. (Jerilee Bennett / The Gazette)

Chuck's next reference reads:

Air Force officials strip religious curriculum from a 20-year-old course on "just war theory" (September 2011).

Which actually links to nothing.
Then this:

Department of Veterans Affairs censors references to God and Jesus during prayers at Houston National Cemetery (June 2011).

which links to an article headlined:

Houston Veterans Claim Censorship of Prayers, Including Ban on 'God' and 'Jesus'

but includes this little paragraph:

The Department of Veterans Affairs said in a statement that it "respects every veteran and their family's right to burial service that honors their faith tradition." The department employs nearly 1,000 chaplains who preside over religious burials, according to the statement.
[emphasis added]

And this:

Democrat-controlled U.S. Senate has passed the $662 billion 2012 National Defense Authorization Act, which includes a repeal of Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice that states: "Any person subject to this chapter who engages in unnatural carnal copulation with another person of the same or opposite sex or with an animal is guilty of sodomy" (December 2011).

Hmm, so they forgot to include a clause likening consensual same-sex relations with dog-raping? Now that's an infringement! How exactly does this trample on anyone's freedom? Chuck doesn't bother to explain.

Ruining Christmas

2011-12-21T16:39:00.000-05:00

This Santa toy might be the inspiration for the expression "Hell's Bells."

Rick Perry is Ridiculous. Again.

2011-12-20T18:38:00.000-05:00

Rick Perry Confronted by Teenager Over Gays Serving Openly in Military

DECORAH, Iowa — A 14-year-old openly bisexual girl collared Texas Gov. Rick Perry after his town hall here and challenged him to explain the reasoning behind his belief that gays should not serve openly in the military.

“I just want to know why you’re so opposed to gays serving openly in the military, why you want to deny them that freedom when they’re fighting and dying for your right to run for president,” Rebecka Green, a high school student from Decorah, asked the Texas governor.

First of all, this girl is awesome! 14 years old and challenging a presidential candidate, and being right. She kicks ass! Secondly, Rick Perry is just pathetic. Check out his response:

“Here’s my issue. This is about my faith,

Okay, you're 8 words in and you're already dead stupid wrong. It is not about your faith. If by some tragedy you were to somehow become president, you are not allowed to base national policy on your religious beliefs.

This is about my faith, and I happen to think, you know, there are a whole hosts of sins. Homosexuality being one of them, and I’m a sinner and so I’m not going to be the first one to throw a stone,” Perry said.

Now excuse me while I throw this stone!

“I don’t agree that openly gays should be serving in the military.

Well, since "openly gays" are not real things, you may have a point.

“I don’t agree that openly gays should be serving in the military. ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ was working

If by "working" you mean getting lots and lots of gay service members kicked out of the military, then yeah. It was working great!

‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ was working and my position is just like I told a guy yesterday, he said, ‘How would you feel if one of your children was gay?’ I said I’d feel the same way. I hate the sin, but I love the sinner, but having them openly serve in the military, I happen to think as a commander in chief of some 20,000 plus people in the military is not good public policy, and this president was forced by his base to change that policy and I don’t think it was good policy

Okay, that was pretty incoherent. But if I'm understanding you correctly, your opposition to gay soldiers is based on your belief that
A) Being gay is a sin
and
B) we can't have sinners in the military.

So, by your logic, we can not have any soldiers who take the Lord's name in vain, or disrespect their parents, or have sex with women who are not their wives. And God forbid any coveters or false witness bearers were to infiltrate the ranks!

Rick Perry is such a fucking idiot!

Is it just me. . .

2011-12-19T19:26:00.000-05:00

. . . or does this water stain look like a Georgia O'Keefe painting?

4 Reasons Why We Say "Happy Holidays"

2011-12-19T18:05:00.000-05:00

1. Because it's more convenient than saying "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year." or "Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year."

So many words.

2. Because the word "merry" is not a word that is really in common usage. No one says "Merry birthday" or "that sure was a merry party last night!" It just feels a bit twee, it doesn't trip easily off the tongue.

Feeling merry, lads?

Pip, pip!

3. Because we're not particularly bothered by the fact that some people celebrate Channukah or Ashura, or Saturnalia or even nothing.

4. TO DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU HOLD SACRED!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-!!!!!!!

A couple things to which we can look forward

2011-12-17T23:18:00.000-05:00

Howard Stern has been confirmed as the new judge on America’s Got Talent, after weeks of speculation and denials.

So we can look forward to week after week of "hey, that song was great. Show me your tits!"

As the House Judiciary Committee met to consider changes to the Stop Online Piracy Act, several members of the committee warned that rushing the bill through the legislative process would lead to costly mistakes.

So now we can look forward to several more days of PSA's pretending that SOPA is going to protect us from fake medicine and save American jobs.

Caturday Heroes

2011-12-17T18:40:00.003-05:00

Dick of the Day

2011-12-16T17:13:00.000-05:00

It's former secretary of education and current fat bag of assholes William Bennett:

Bill Bennett gave his opinion of Christopher Hitchens' passing with one final jab: “He was left, I was right, but we had great debates, great drinking bouts. And I hope as the big atheist that he was, he’s in for a big surprise.”

Holy Fuck! Did he really just say that he hopes Christopher Hitchens is now in Hell?
Well, not in so many words, but yeah, pretty much. Boy, that Hitch was a heck of a guy, hopefully he's being tortured for all eternity right now!

Coming in a close second, it's part-time huckster-minister and full time dick Rick Warren:

Rick Warren

@RickWarren

My friend Christopher Hitchens has died. I loved & prayed for him constantly & grieve his loss.
He knows the Truth now.

Because at least he doesn't say that he HOPES Hitchens is damned for etrernity. He just smugly implies that he is.

These are real people who exist in 21st Century America

2011-12-16T16:50:00.000-05:00

An Ohio landlord accused of discriminating against an African-American girl with a "white only" sign at her swimming pool told ABCNews.com that the sign was an antique and a decoration.
"I'm not a bad person," said Jamie Hein of Cincinnati. "I don't have any problem with race at all. It's a historical sign."

Kentucky church votes to ban interracial couples

Gulnare Free Will Baptist Church votes on resolution that says the church 'does not condone interracial marriage'

2011-12-14T19:57:00.000-05:00

The World's Happiest (And Saddest) Countries

So, who is the world's happiest country?

. . . .Drumroll, please. . .

At No. 1 for the third year in a row: Norway.

We'd be happy, too with hats like those.

What’s it got that the rest of the world doesn’t? For one thing, a stunning per capita GDP of $54,000 a year. Norwegians have the second-highest level of satisfaction with their standards of living: 95% say they are satisfied with the freedom to choose the direction of their lives; an unparalleled 74% say other people can be trusted.

And this. They also have this.

But, wait. Aren't they godless pinkos? How can they possibly be happy?

Cynics say Norway’s ranking is a fluke, that it’s a boring, godless (just 13% go to church), homogeneous place to live, with a massive welfare state bankrolled by high taxes. Without massive offshore reserves of oil and gas that it exports to the world through state-controlled Statoil, Norway’s GDP would be far smaller.

A fluke. Three years in a row? Is it maybe possible, just possible, that maybe the Norwegians like having a massive welfare state? No, that couldn't possibly be! And maybe not having to get up early on Sunday mornings isn't really considered a negative there?

Also, their GDP would be smaller without oil and gas reserves? So would ours, genius! It's like complaining that the Packers would never have won the Superbowl if they didn't have all those good players. So who are these "cynics" who say that Norway's ranking is a fluke? Forbes helpfully doesn't say.

He looks pretty cynical.

So what are the world's other most happy countries?

Doesn't count.

# 5: Sweden

Sweden, which Forbes refers to as " a tech-savvy socialist paradise."

# 4: New Zealand

Relatively socialisty.

# 3: Australia

Socialized kangaroos for everyone!

Lazy kangaroo, always looking for a handout.

# 2: Denmark

About which Forbes has this to say: "The tiny country ranks first in entrepreneurship and opportunity, based on high levels of social equality," which sounds suspiciously Marxy-Leniny.

And #1: as previously mentioned, Norway.

So, where are all the free-market, small-government paradises on this list?

Phony Nostalgia

2011-12-13T18:10:00.001-05:00

There's an annoying strain of phony nostalgia that runs through a lot of what passes for country music today. This ridiculous longing for a time that never was, when everything was simple and everyone was happy because everyone lived like the Cleavers, except probably on a farm and God and America and high school football and blah blah blah, whatever. . . Today I heard a particularly egregious example called "Back When," by Tim McGraw.

Nostalgic for less handsome times.

It's probably not a new song, I just had never been subjected to it before.
The lyrics go a little something like this:

"Back When"

Don't you remember
The fizz in a pepper
Peanuts in a bottle
At ten, two and four

So that opening part is just really weird. Why would the placing of peanuts into a bottle of Dr. Pepper be so ridgidly scheduled? I could sure go for a salty soda, I can't wait until 2:00! But, whatever. If that's how you remember the "good old days," more power to ya.

We got too complicated
It's all way over-rated
I like the old and out-dated
Way of life

Okay, here we go. Let's see what Tim's idea of the old ways is:

Back when a hoe was a hoe
Coke was a coke
And crack's what you were doing
When you were cracking jokes

Now, see, Tim McGraw was born the same year I was, so I know good and damn well that he doesn't remember a time when "Coke" was not used as a slang term for cocaine. Crack, sure. That didn't come along until the late 1980's, and even then was mainly in Los Angeles, so maybe he hadn't heard of it in rural Louisiana, but don't try and tell me there were no "ho's" in Louisiana!

Back when a screw was a screw
The wind was all that blew
And when you said I'm down with that
Well it meant you had the flu

So, back in the good old days, either no one was screwing or the slang term "screwing" had not been coined? And the blowjob had yet to be invented? Yeah, I could see where you'd really miss those days!

My God! It's off the charts!

I'm readin' Street Slang For Dummies
Cause they put pop in my country

They? They put pop in your country? They? Because as I recall, you were as responsible for the pop-ification of country as any of the hacks that took over country music in the early 90's. You've made about ten zillion dollars off of this shit music and now you're going to complain?

Give me a flat top for strumming
I want the whole world to be humming
Just keep it coming
The way it was back then

Dude, you're Tim McGraw. You can afford any guitar in the world!

If you want a flat top for strumming, go fucking buy one. Buy a thousand guitars and strum to your heart's content. Then use one of those guitars to play a decent fucking song. Also, when was the whole world humming? When you were a kid?

Or when you were a young adult?

I don't remember the whole world ever ever ever humming all along together.

Oh, and here's an interesting little clip from the bio of a man who longs for the simpler, more innocent times of his youth:

The son of Betty Smith (now Betty Trimble) and Tug McGraw, Tim grew up thinking that his mother's husband, Horace Smith, a trucker, was his father. The couple divorced when McGraw was nine, and after that, he and his mother were often forced to relocate around Richland Parish. One time after moving, McGraw, then 11, opened a box that contained his birth certificate, which had his father's name scribbled out but listed the occupation as "baseball player." His mother eventually divulged that she had a brief summer romance with Tug McGraw, who was a minor league pitcher at the time. He quickly left her, though, and she married Smith when her son was seven months old.

So that's what you miss? Your mother lying to you about who your father is? Or your mother divorcing the man you thought was your father? Or was it the finding out the fact that your real father was not particularly interested in you?

Tug McGraw went on to make his name with the New York Mets and Philadelphia Phillies. By the early 1970s, he was the highest-paid and most popular relief pitcher in professional baseball. McGraw met him once at a game in Houston, but his biological father showed little interest in maintaining a close relationship. The baseball star had married and had two other children by then, though he and his wife divorced in 1988. McGraw was initially angry at his father for not supporting him, but later forgave him

No offense, Timmy, but your childhood sounds pretty horrible. It's really mind boggling to me that the chorus of your song is:

I miss back when
I miss back when
I miss back when

Weird. And crappy writing.

Other Shows and Movies Which the Florida Family Association Finds Offensive

2011-12-12T17:29:00.002-05:00

.
.
.

Seinfeld

Shows New Yorkers NOT constantly mugging and raping each other. Clearly designed to influence real Americans into believing that New York is some sort of decent place to live.

The Dukes of Hazzard

Portrayed two southern "good ol' boys" who were NOT members of the Klan and neither of whom ever had relations with their super-hot cousin. Show seems to be designed to manipulate people into forgetting that the KKK is a real thing that all southerners participate in. And so is cousin-fucking.

(What a real Southern Duke Boy looks like)

The Cosby Show

Shows black people NOT selling or using crack. Male characters were neither crips nor bloods. Obviously trying to fool white people into not being scared of every black person, when clearly black people are super-scary.

Will & Grace

Showed two gay men who never once recruited a young man into their lifestyle nor ever molested any children. An obvious attempt to manipulate decent people into thinking that they can live in the same neighborhood as a gay man without being constantly butt-raped and/or turned gay.

Broadway Danny Rose

This movie portrays several Jewish people NOT controlling the world's banks or discussing the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Most of the Jewish characters are involved in show business but do NOT control the entire industry. Obvious attempt to foll Gentiles into forgetting that Jews control the media and everything else in the world.

Laurie Anderson's Cat

2011-12-12T16:57:00.000-05:00

Fuck You, Lowe's

2011-12-11T20:46:00.000-05:00

Lowe's pulls ads from 'All-American Muslim' after 'ordinary' portrayal protested
Hardware store giant Lowe’s has yanked ads from the series after the Florida Family Association encouraged members to email the program’s advertisers.

I didn't really know anything about the show "All-American Muslim," so I wondered what the controversy was. According to the TLC website:

All-American Muslim takes a look at life in Dearborn, Michigan--home to the largest mosque in the United States--through the lens of five Muslim American families.
Each episode offers an intimate look at the customs and celebrations, misconceptions and conflicts these families face outside and within their own community.

Sounds pretty innocuous. Turns out that was the objection. The Florida Family Association objected to the fact that the Muslims in the show were being shown living their dull, ordinary lives, not scheming and plotting to kill anyone.

“The show profiles only Muslims that appear to be ordinary folks while excluding many Islamic believers whose agenda poses a clear and present danger to liberties and traditional values that the majority of Americans cherish,” the group said

You're basically complaining that the show is NOT racist!

“Clearly this program is attempting to manipulate Americans into ignoring the threat of jihad and to influence them to believe that being concerned about the jihad threat would somehow victimize these nice people in this show.”

So, let's say you're Lowe's. And you get a letter from a bunch of psycho assholes complaining that the show you sponsor is not using negative stereotypes in its portrayal of Muslims. These lunatics object to the fact that the show does not lump all Muslims in together as terrorists and murderers. How would you respond to such a letter? You, being a normal person, would probably either toss the letter in the trash and go about your day as if you had never seen it, or respond to these dicks with something along the lines of "screw off, you racist troglodytes." But that's because you're a normal person.

What Lowe's actually did was to pull their ads from a perfectly benign television show in order to placate the loonies.
You can't really blame the loonies. They are, after all, loonies. But presumably the marketing department at Lowe's is composed largely of sane persons. And they weighed the pros and cons and decided to knuckle under to the bigots. They made a conscious decision to let the bigots win. And that is to their eternal shame.

This explains a lot

2011-12-11T20:09:00.000-05:00

From Michele Bachmann's recent appearance on Hannity:

BACHMANN: People do find out [in my book] that I did not get asked to my senior prom.
HANNITY: Well, neither did I. And nobody would go with me.

No wonder they're such miserable, bitter, angry people.

Guys, it was like 40 years ago. Get over it!

This is why we can't have nice things.

2011-12-09T15:11:00.000-05:00

(via)

[Republican strategist Rick] Wilson said he recently conducted a focus group where Republicans were asked whether, if they had a choice, they would rather “kill Obamacare” or have killed Osama bin Laden.
“They would have killed Obamacare and waited for the actuarial tables [to] play out for bin Laden,” Wilson said.

They actually hate the Affordable Care Act more tham they hate OSAMA BIN LADEN!

They would rather have the mastermind of 9/fucking/11 roaming around free for several more years than have a few more sick people get access to medicine.

These are the people we're dealing with. these are not reasonable people. These are not sane people.

I think the divide is no longer between left and right, or conservative and liberal, it's now a divide between sane and insane.

I'm going to prescribe 1000mg of Not Being Allowed to Vote.

If you believe that increased access to health care is a type of death-panel-infested tyranny, that's not being a conservative, that's being insane.

If you believe that Bush and Cheney planned 9/11, that's not being liberal, that's being insane.

If you believe that Michele Bachmann is remotely qualified to hold any position of responsibility, you should probably be committed.

I thought she made some good points, and my friend Harvey agrees. Don't you, Harvey?

Ooh, Good Point, Frothy!

2011-12-08T17:28:00.000-05:00

Rick Santorum continues to prove what a goddamm imbecile he is.

“If hunger is a problem in America, then why do we have an obesity problem among the people who we say have a hunger program?” Santorum asked.

Good point, Santorum! If some people are fat, then that must mean that, um. . . no it doesn't mean anything.

Okay, wait. I think I got it now, Santorum's theory is that if some people aren't getting enough to eat and others are eating too much, then on average, we're a pretty healthy country!

Average American

It is now officially OK to vote for Michele Bachmann. God said so.

2011-12-07T20:38:00.001-05:00

From the geniuses at Wing Nut Daily:

Michele Bachmann's 2nd surge

With Herman Cain out of the race, is Michele Bachmann poised for a second surge? And is there a biblical precedent for electing a woman president?

Well, since there are exactly zero elections in the Bible, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that no, there is no biblical precedent for electing a woman president.

I know I didn't vote for him, did you?

Many people forget that Michele Bachman had a first surge that briefly made her the GOP presidential primary frontrunner.

No, we haven't forgotten. Our sides still ache from laughing.

She appealed to secular conservatives due to positions espousing smaller government and low taxes. Evangelical Christians loved her unashamed positions on issues of faith.

Ignoramuses loved her steadfast refusal to "know things."

But somewhere along the way, "buyer's remorse" set in. Some evangelicals questioned the biblical teachings on women submitting to their husbands, wondering if they might be sinning by supporting and voting for a woman president.

Oh, that must be what scared people off of Bachmann. Not her insistence that the founding fathers had ended slavery or her desire to eliminate the minimum wage. No, it must be the boobs.

So, the question is: Is there a biblical precedent for a woman president?
Yes. In a word: Deborah.

(Artist's Rendition)

Yes, anyone who has ever been to Sunday School remembers the stories of the Deborah Administration!

The book of Judges, in Chapters 4 and 5, explains an eerily similar pattern to today's political and economic state of America. Ancient Israel had fallen on tough times.

The only other time in history during which a country had ever fallen on hard times. Eerie!

They had rejected Yahweh God and embraced the ways of the world.

Just like America with our one atheist in the Congress. That's 1/135th of the House!

Pete Stark trivia: He was my Congressman when I lived in Northern California.

They were surrounded by their enemies,

Canada, Mexico, the Pacific Ocean. . .

They were surrounded by their enemies, and their men didn't have the moral fortitude to do what was necessary to survive.

Um, most of us seem to be surviving somehow. But whatever, do go on!

Enter Deborah, a prophetess, a righteous judge and a "Mother in Israel" (read: Rep. Bachmann with five biological children and 23 foster kids).

A mother in Israel, a foster mother in Minnesota. Tomato, tomahto.

We know how much respect you have for mothers!

A man named Barak – really, we're not making this stuff up – was supposed to lead the Israelites to fight evil Jabin's Canaanite army commander, Sisera. But Barak wimped out, refusing to go unless Deborah went with him.

It's not so much that he was "supposed to" lead the Israelites as Deborah seemed to pick him at random, but whatever. And since Deborah was the one that God supposedly spoke through, wouldn't it make sense that he would want her to come with?

Ultimately Deborah's ally, Jael (another woman), killed cruel commander Sisera by hammering a tent peg through his temple, ushering in 40 years of peace for Israel.

Great. Except Jael was not Deborah's ally. See Judges 4: 17 -

¹⁷ Sisera, meanwhile, fled on foot to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite, because there was an alliance between Jabin king of Hazor and the family of Heber the Kenite.

The family of Heber the Kenite was allied with Jabin of Hazor, dummy. Everyone knows that! And Jabin King of Hazor was the enemy, the king for whom Sisera worked.

Also, Jael wife of Heber was a fuckin bad-ass!

The conclusion: There is a biblical precedent set for God sending a woman to do a man's job when a man isn't willing to boldly step up to the plate to get the job done.

Today, in our quest for a moral champion, we have witnessed a long line of conservative men who had their shot and failed. Rick Perry entered both barrels blazing, but floundered.

(pictured: Both Barrels)

Herman Cain went from frontrunner to a perceived moral failure.

Perceived? A PERCEIVED moral failure?

While Ron Paul is a professing pro-life Christian, he refuses to end abortion, and being of the "libertarian" denomination, he leaves important moral matters like abortion and drug use to individual states to decide.

Conservatives hate states' rights!

Robotic Romney with never so much as a hair out of place, has double trouble being from two problematic denominations to Christians: 1) He's a Mormon and 2) he's a liberal.

Mormons are weird!

And with Cain quitting amidst suspicions of moral failure, how will Newt Gingrich survive the public scrutiny over cheating on his first wife and marrying his mistress, only to cheat on her and marry again?

I don't know, but with Cain dropping out, Captain Adultery is now in first place. Surviving doesn't really seem to be a problem for him. Oh, by the way, I can never keep track, do we not hate Catholics anymore?

And alas, Huntsman is a younger version of Bob Dole.

Oh, come on! That's it? That's like10 words! No respect!

That leaves Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann. And while Santorum stands for the right issues, he has proven to be shaky in the heat of battle, inexplicably backing a string of liberals, including the infamous liberal Republican Arlen Specter in Pennsylvania instead of staunch conservative Pat Toomey.

Could you support this thing?

Bottom line: The only man left standing is a woman. Her name is Michele Bachman, and she's set for a second surge.

So it's good to know that if you have absolutely exhausted all male possibilities, God will apparently forgive you, just this once, for voting for a lady-type person. Thanks, WND!

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