How to Launch a Campaign

Human haircut and sedition enthusiast Rick Perry has yet to declare himself an official candidate for the presidency of the nation from which he would like to secede, but he's already off to a whiz-bang start!

 

First, he managed to snag the coveted endorsement of Bill "wrong with a smirk" Kristol.

Then he got a lot of publicity for sponsoring an event based around the idea that hey, there's nothing I can do to fix this nation's problems, we'd better all get together and pray real hard. Now that just inspires confidence.

Governor, this nation has big problems. You're in charge here, what are we gonna do?

Dang, I dunno. If I were you, I'd probably start prayin'!

 

It's called leadership, jerks. Look it up! 

Of course, who would you call in to run a Prayer*Con but the horrible awful American Family Association?

According to the Houston Chronicle, AFA leader Tim Wildmon  "acknowledged that a stated purpose of the August prayer event initiated by Perry - to pray for an end to the 'debasement of our culture' - refers to the increasing acceptance of homosexuality by American society."

Nice.

Anyway, the thing is being held in a football stadium, because what location could be more solemn or reverent?

Just like the Vatican, only not so foreigny.

Historic Crisis.
Historic Response.
Historic Breakthrough.

On August 6, the nation will come together at Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas for a solemn gathering of prayer and fasting for our country.

 Fasting, because if God won't listen to your prayers, a hunger strike will sure get his attention!

Also," Historic Response?" I guess that's true. Normally our political leaders' response to crises has been to try and do something about them, not to try and twist God's arm into doing it for us.

But really, why the fasting? Why would you think that God wouldn't want you to eat? God went to all the trouble to make apples and oranges and corn and cheeseburgers, I'm pretty sure he'd want you to eat. Imagine if you came home from work and your spouse had been slaving over a hot stove for the last couple of hours and you said, "no, I'm not going to eat anything. Sure, I'm hungry - I'm starving, but I'm not going to eat anything in the hopes that you will do me a big favor."  I can tell you that wouldn't go over too well in the Chaos Compound.
(for the record, I would have been the one slaving over the hot stove in that hypothetical)

Anyway, you can imagine how much favor this is currying Governor Perry with the faith community.

Houston Clergy Council Opposes Rick Perry's 'Response' Prayer Rally 

 Um. . .

faith-based groups coordinate protest against prayer/fast by Perry, AFA

 

Oh. Uh-oh.

Well, in general, Rick Perry is not at all popular in his home state of Texas, where people are living with the consequences of electing a nutbag on the basis of hair quality and overall handsomeness.

 

The Next Mayor of Houston.

But Perry understands why he's not appreciated at home:

It's because he's too much like Jesus? Or something?
Really, if you're having trouble winning over the Christian vote, start by comparing yourself to Christ. That should do it.
Really, the "a prophet is not loved in his hometown" line, That's a paraphrase of one of Jesus's lines.

 

Quit Stealing my Material!

That's the kind of delusions of grandeur that would make Sarah Palin blush. No wonder Bill Kristol is sold on him!

 

And I'm never wrong! 

No, wait. I mean always! Dammit!

So, I think it's safe to go ahead and call it right now, Ladies and gentlemen, the next president of the United States!