Ohmygod, Ohmygod, Ohmygod, this is really a real thing!

Oh my GOD! There is actually a place on the Fox News website where they give sex advice!


 

And here's the first thing I saw when I went to their sex advice webpage:

Are you ready to live together?

Cohabitation is increasingly popular. Here’s how to know if it’s right for you and your guy

Because in Foxland, it's always 1981.

 Oh, and it gets better. Much, much better:

Fox On Sex

What men really want

1. Talk More Like a Man

We don't mean to clear your throat or speak in deeper tones. Just get to the point quicker.

Oh, Jeezus. Yes, ladies, whenever we have to listen to you, we just want to scream "get to the fucking point so this conversation can be over, already!" Because God knows we can't stand "communicating" or having "human interactions" or "having to think about things besides sports and boobs."

Their minds will wander if they don't see a conclusion on your story's horizon. So, as you are sharing the details of today's run-in with Brenda from Business Affairs, skip the transcript of the exchange and create a highlight reel. He'll get the gist if you keep it short and just say what's on your mind—like most men talk when talking with other guys.

Yes, we generally communicate with a series of grunts and hand gestures, not like you ladies with your  fancy "words" and "complete sentences."

3. Give Him Props

Remember how hard you worked on those show-and-tell projects in kindergarten, and how good you felt when the class clapped and, at home, Dad said "attagirl"? Men are, in many ways, kindergarteners who want nothing more than your appreciation and respect for their hard work.

 Really? Men are like small children? That's really insulting. . .Oh, right you're talking about men who watch FOX. Carry on.

4. Laugh With and at Him

After her body, her sense of humor is the most attractive thing about women for men who responded to The Big Book of Sex survey. But that doesn't mean you have to be quick with jokes and witty one-liners.
Simply being able to laugh with him, at him, and at yourself is a sign of intellectual compatibility, says Dr. Billy Goldberg, co-author of Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?

Right, you can't possibly be expected to come up with your own  jokes. That takes thinky brain stuff. It's enough that you pretend to get our jokes even though they obviously must be sailing right over your pretty little heads.

Fox On Sex

11 Things Sports Can Teach Us About Sex

Presumably how to "score?" Ahahahahaha, see what I did there? (female readers, just pretend to have seen what I did there. Trust me, it's funny. I know this because I am a man. Have your husband explain it to you. (Obviously you must have a husband, otherwise why would you be reading about sex advice?))

1. Always remember to breathe.

Oh, come on. People don't need top be told to remember to breathe. . . oh, right, FOX! Carry on.

 3. Take turns. There is nothing more boring than never getting a chance to be up at bat. 

Um, I would say that this advice applies to gay male couples only, but this is FOX, so that can't be.

 10. Accept success and “failure” with grace. Sometimes an interlude will turn out exactly as you hope it will. Other times, though, you might not be so lucky. So, leave the gloating for the professionals and let it go if things, well, fail. There’s always tomorrow and you want to both be in high spirits for the rematch.

Wait, are we still talking about sex? I mean, sex is usually not a competition. And who would be gloating? Do you think a lot of women are pointing at their husbands and chanting "ha ha haha ha, you couldn't get it u-up?" Because I'm fairly certain that a failure for one partner is definitely not a triumph for the other.

Fox on Sex: How to Score Points With Her

Okay, this seems like it could be helpful. A few things a fella can do to make a lady like him more. Do tell!

From the moment she meets you, she starts a virtual bank account in her mind. But you’d never know. She’s adding and subtracting with a pro poker face, using a complex labyrinth of mathematical axioms in which you have emotional credits or debits. You have no clue until you reach an extreme — you find yourself locked out on the front porch or you get handed a fistful of get-out-of-jail-free cards. What are some of the moves that will keep you out of the red?

Also, I have never met or spoken with a woman.

1. Brag about her, at earshot.  

At earshot?
Who says "at earshot?"I've geard the phrase "within earshot," but "at earshot?
But it doesn't matter anyway, because, according to this article's author, all women will constantly monitor every sound you make, every glance of an eyeball, every. . .seriously, who wrote this?

Dr. Belisa Vranich is a psychologist and sex expert. She is the author of three books,

SHE? A woman wrote this? Well, then I guess it must be true when she says things like:

your girl will track your eyeball coordinates with the precision of a nuclear submarine. 

or

She may look engrossed with her conversation, but believe me, one ear is always cocked in your direction.

Oh, here's a good tip:

 3. Rather than rummaging under the car seat for quarters to make that five bucks she needs for gas, give her a ten “just in case” and don’t sweat the change. Sure, you might give up your double shot caramel grande because of it. But suck it up cappuccino-boy, because this will give you Trump-like credit for later.

Okay, five bucks for gas? It really is 1981 in Foxland.
How many ways is this wrong? First of all, how many women are there who have to get money from their husbands like Jane Jetson?



When my wife needs to put gas in the car, she doesn't ask me for five bucks, she drives down to the gas station and puts her credit card into the slot at the pump like a normal fucking human being, and pumps the gas all by herself!
Also, if you're married to the type of gold digger whose affections can be bought, ten fucking dollars isn't going to cut it.

 

 Not even close, dahling!

And if you're rummaging under the car seat to find enough quarters to put a gallon of gas in the tank, you've got bigger problems than  missing out on your cappuccino, Mr. Trump.

Okay, I can see we're going to have endless hours of fun with "Fox on Sex," but for now, maybe just one more.

 4. She’s crying. Maybe it’s the movie trailer, a movie ending, a commercial with a kitten in it, her grandmother’s funeral, or just that time of the month. [SERIOUSLY?-ed] As she’s starting to look like Alice Cooper and the black mascara is dripping off her chin, tell her she is still beautiful to you when she cries. Even if you are lying.

 

Oh, dear God! I think the title of this article should be "ways to make your wife hate you and want to murder you with sharp pointy objects because you are terrible." Because i really have to think that, on the list of things you might say to a person who is weeping, "you look beautiful when you're crying" has to be pretty much near the bottom  of the list, just above "what's your problem?" and "So, I'm guessing you probably didn't make anything for dinner then?"

Whatever it is she's crying about, there's an approximately  100% chance that it not because she thinks she isn't pretty. I mean, you said it could be her grandmother's funeral, and you want me to say "well, sure we're all gonna miss the old gal, but on the plus side, you sure are purty right now?"

 

You know, there's room for one more in that coffin!

At this point, I would just like to reiterate that this column was written by an actual woman. 

This woman:

 

Who is a published author

And was not, surprisingly the writer who felt that people needed to be reminded to breathe. Telling people that they ought to breathe is apparently a common thing in Foxland.