I'm back. What did I miss?

1. John Bolton announced that he will not be running for President.

To which, a stunned nation responded "really? You were thinking of running - seriously? For President?"

2. Jeb Bush once again proved himself incapable of answering a simple question.
First he said that yeah, of course he would have invaded Iraq even knowing what we now know. And no one asked him how that could possibly be the case, since what we dnow know includes the fact that the invasion of Iraq was the biggest debacle in the history of American foreign policy.

Then he said he had misunderstood the question. And no one asked him how one could possibly misunderstand so simple a question.

Then he said that he would rather not answer the question, as to do so would be a "disservice" to the brave men and women who had sacrificed so much. And no one asked him in what way answering a simple question could do d disservice to our troops or how it could possibly be more of a disservice than sending them off to die in a foreign land for no good goddamm reason.

Then 4 days later, he finally realized what he should have said in the first place

"If we're all supposed to answer hypotheticals,” Bush said at a town hall meeting in Tempe, Arizona, today. “I would not, have engaged, I would not have gone into Iraq."

 How hard was that?
And remember, he's the "smart Bush.."

3. We learned that the air pressure inside a football is a topic worthy of the kind of investigation and dissection that the claims leading into the Iraq War never got. You know, I've been watching football all my life and I had no idea that there even was a rule about how much air had to be in the ball. Who the hell cares? Oh, everyone? At least everyone on tv seems to think that this is a national crisis of some sort.
It's also worth noting that Tom Brady will serve a suspension 4 games longer than Jameis Winston got for raping someone.

4. A bunch of scumbag bikers got into a huge gang brawl that left at least 9 people dead. 170 bikers were arrested. None was shot in the back or choked to death. No one has criticized the lack of positive role models in the biker trash community, or complained that their culture doesn't teach proper respect for authority. None of the dead bikers have had their criminal records published or been called a "thug."
The National Guard was not called out and the police did not show up dressed like shock troops.

5.  An Amtrak train derailed killing 8 people, partly due to the fact that we haven't spent the money to implement a safety feature that could have prevented this. The NEXT DAY Republicans in Congress voted to cut funding to Amtrak.

6. Trent Franks took the lead in the race to be crowned America's Stupidest Government Official



I mean, you know, unless you count all that stuff that Jesus guy said.


7. Verizon paid $4.4 Billion to acquire AOL messenger, shocking many business experts who had no idea AOL was still around.


8. South Carolina has produced the most  quintessential teabagger in the history of teabagging.
Luis Lang, Mr. Self-Sufficiency 2014, was such a rugged individualist, that he never bothered to get insurance. Even when he knew that the law required it. He scoffed at the law. Then he had a series of strokes. And started to go blind. Suddenly, Obamacare maybe didn't sound like such a terrible idea after all! So he tried to sign up. But open enrollment had already ended, which wouldn't have been a problem had he signed up when he was supposed to, but he didn't need no dang guv'mint help with his healthcare. Until he did.

Anyway, he is unable to work and can't get a subsidy to buy a policy because there isn't a subsidy big enough for someone who earns zero dollars. What there is, is Medicaid. Well, in decent states there's Medicaid, but the Teabagging conservatives that folks like Lang have voted into office refused Medicaid expansion on the grounds that it might help people and they might like it and then maybe not hate Obama enough, even though he stubbornly continues to be black!

So Lang is screwed. Because of his own dickishness, basically.  And is Mr. Lang aware that he has no one but himself to blame? Haha, of course not!

Obamacare-Hating Conservative Blames Obama Because He’s Going Blind And Broke 

Lang, a Republican, says he knew the act required him to get coverage but he chose not to do so. But he thought help would be available in an emergency. He and his wife blame President Obama and Congressional Democrats for passing a complex and flawed bill.

Well, yes, the bill is complex and flawed. That is true. Mainly because of President Obama's pathological need to try and please right-wing Republicans and big business. But I'm not sure it's really the President's fault that you decided to be a free-rider, not paying in to insurance until you needed them to pay out. I mean, far be it from me to defend a goddamm insurance company, but you were really trying to rip them off.
And, yes the bill is complex and flawed, but prior to the passage of the ACA, do you honestly think that you could have gotten insurance at all, at any price? You think if you had called up Aetna and said "Hi, I've never had insurance, but now that I need an expensive procedure to save my eyesight, I'd like to sign up now, please" and they'd have taken you?
Also, as I like to say whenever anyone points out problems with the ACA, "yeah, that's  problem. You know where they don't have that problem? Canada!" If we just had a universal healthcare system like the rest of the civilized world, you could have kept your eyesight without being reduced to beggary (which you have been). But that would be scary, scary SOCIALISM!!! Bwahhhh!!

“(My husband) should be at the front of the line because he doesn’t work and because he has medical issues,” Lang’s wife, Mary, said. “We call it the Not Fair Health Care Act.”

Yes, he should totally be given special treatment by the law he opposed and proudly broke. That makes total sense.  I mean, in the same way that it makes sense to believe that Obama is both going to legalize gay marriage and institute Sharia Law.
Also, you gotta work on your zingers, there, Mary. The "Not Fair Healthcare Act?" That's weak. No imagination. Just really a sad attempt.

Anyway, I'm sure I missed a bunch more things, but I know for sure I missed at least one episode of Orphan Black and Tivo calls!