I swear to God, the more I hear about Ted Cruz, the scarier he gets.

Sorry, I've been away for so long. I've been sick. So very, very sick. I still am. I'll tell you what, this is the last time I don't get a flu shot. I mean, sure, a flu shot is technically a vaccination, so there's a good chance of catching autism from it, but this is just awful.

Anyway, here's the latest Cruz News you can use

Ted Cruz's Dad: My Son Ran for President After God Sent His Wife a Sign

Here's the story, according to Rafael Cruz:
My son Ted and his family spent six months in prayer seeking God's will for this decision. 

 Okay, you know from the get-go that this story is bullshit, because even if God himself came down from Heaven, walked straight up to Ted Cruz and said "I, the Lord thy God, forbid you, Ted Cruz, to run for president," Ted Cruz was gonna run for President.

 Also, I know God's a busy guy, but it really took 6 months to get back to him?

 But the day the final green light came on, the whole family was together. It was a Sunday. We were all at his church, First Baptist Church in Houston, including his senior staff. After the church service, we all gathered at the pastor's office. We were on our knees for two hours seeking God's will.

 Oh my god, give it up! He doesn't want to talk to you! You've been leaving him messages for 6 months, now you're bothering him for 2 hours straight. This is stalker behavior. God is probably at the courthouse getting a restraining order.

Really, if you're "seeking God's will," why would you have to work that hard? I mean, if you're asking God for a pony, sure. Then I could see why you'd have to wheedle and plead for a couple hours until God finally just goes "fine, if it'll shut you up, here's your stinking pony!" But if you're asking him "what is your will?" "what would you have me do?" why would it take that much arm-twisting to get him to tell you? I mean, it's what He wants. Is he God or Laura Petrie?

Well, if you don't know I'm certainly not going to tell you!

At the end of that time, a word came through his wife, Heidi. 

Was that it?
Was that the problem the whole time?
Like God keeps trying to get back to Ted, but he never picks up and his voicemail is always full and so after 6 months God says "hey, does anyone have Heidi's number? Maybe I can just call her and she can tell Ted. I'm sure as hell not gonna talk to that lunatic father of his, but her I can deal with."


Oh, also if some psychotic had me spending 2 hours on my knees waiting for a message from God, I'd probably do the "oh. . .um, yeah, I totally just got a message, Ted. Um, he says to get off the floor and take me to Waffle House."

At the end of that time, a word came through his wife, Heidi. And the word came, just saying, "Seek God's face, not God's hand."

What? After all that time and knee damage, that's the message? What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?  Why Would God take time out of his busy busy day running the universe to deliver a message that doesn't even make any sense? And how do you hear "seek God's face, not God's hand" and get from that that yep, he definitely wants me to run for President. I mean,sure you're Ted Cruz, so you've made up your mind long ago that God wants you to be president, so God could have said "buy low, sell high" or "always bet on black" or "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!" and it would have sounded to you like "Yes, Ted, run for President, but you gotta realize that to the rest of us this doesn't really sound like an endorsement.


And the word came, just saying, "Seek God's face, not God's hand." And I'll tell you, it was as if there was a cloud of the holy spirit filling that place. Some of us were weeping, and Ted just looked up and said, "Lord, here am I, use me. I surrender to you, whatever you want."


To which God apparently responded "anything I want, hmm? Oh, you know I would like for someone to make sure that the people of Flint don't get any non-poisonous water ever."

Ted Cruz Singlehandedly Blocking Aid to Flint, Michigan

by Sam Reisman | 4:32 pm, February 25th, 2016

Ohhh, you know what? I think I see the problem here.

Ted, when you talked to this "God" person, um, did he by any chance look anything like this?