News that is not from the Onion.

Apparently, none of this is a joke:

Televangelist Jim Bakker calls his Missouri cabins the safest spot for the Apocalypse

How?
How could they possibly be. . .? You know what, let's see.

Televangelist Jim Bakker suggests that if you want to survive the end of days, the best thing you could do is buy one of his cabins in Missouri's Ozark Mountains. And while you're at it, be sure to pick up six 28-ounce "Extreme Survival Warfare" water bottles for $150.

Okay, but. . .I mean. . .it's the end of the world. Fire and brimstone. Stars falling from the heavens, seas turning to blood, complete destruction. How would you surv -- actually, why would you want to survive? Wouldn't you want to go to Heaven? God is destroying the Earth, killing everyone in sight, the righteous are going to eternal Paradise and you think you're gonna want to wait things out in Missouri? See how things play out? I mean, sure, Heaven sounds boring. ( h/t )Sitting around playing harps all day. Every day. Day after day. But it's got to be better than riding out the APOCALYPSE in some dumb cabin in the Ozarks watching the world burn and everyone die. Right?

Now, surrounded by buckets of food and "warfare" water bottles in the Ozarks, Bakker is in front of the cameras once again, preparing his viewers for the Apocalypse.
"Where are you going to go when the world's on fire? Where are you going to go? This place is for God's people. ... We need some farmers to move here," Bakker said on Tuesday's show.

You know, I'm no fancy big city theologian, but I seem to recall a place that was supposed to be for "God's people," a place where God's people were supposed to go at the end of the world. A little place by the name of . . . HEAVEN! Why would the Jim Bakker audience want to avoid going to Heaven? Maybe because they would miss seeing Jim Bakker?

Also, why would you think that this would work? Why would someone who believes in the all-seeing all-knowing almighty God of the Bible think that they would be able to hide from Him? Like he's going around raining fire and brimstone on everybody  and the angels are like "Hey, Lord, there's some cabins down there in those hills," and God is going to say "Ah, there's probably no one in there. This place is so remote, I can't imagine anyone actually living there," and then you'll be all "Jokes on you, God! We were here the whole time!"
How is any of this supposed to work?

Later in the show, Bakker says the Ozarks is "the safest place to live" versus living in large cities elsewhere in the country, like Chicago and New York, The Christian Post reported.

Okay. I could see that. Probably a lot less crime in the Ozarks.

A lot more bears, though.

And a lot more guys who think you have a real purty mouth.

But on balance, sure. It's probably safer to live in a cabin in the woods with no hospital nearby or any doctor. really. And no ambulance service. But you probably won't need any of those things, you'll be so robustly healthy on your steady diet of Jim Bakker's dehydrated potato glop and $150 warfare water!

 

 "Do you know the people from the government, from NASA, the research from so many of them, they have said in their research that the safest place to live in troubled times is right here. That's why God brought us here," Bakker said.

via GIPHY


No.
No, that is NOT what NASA does. Not even CLOOOSE to what NASA does. I don't know what you're thinking of, but it is definitely not  NASA.

Also, the research you mention. Not only was that not NASA, but it was not any government agency because you made it up and it never happened and you're lying.

How is there not some kind of law against this? This is nothing but a swindle. And it's one thing to grift in the name of the Lord, but once you invoke NASA in your bullshit sales pitch, couldn't they at least sue you? Or something? He's robbing people blind. And yes, they should know better. They should know that he's already done time for fraud, and even if they don't their bullshit detector should be blaring every time this little prick speaks, but I'm just tired of living in a society in which it's considered okay to fleece someone because they're stupid and gullible.