Observations about Fall TV promos.

Watching football over the weekend, we were bombarded with promos for the new Fall TV line-up. Here are a few observations:

 1. Last Man Standing

 

Ooh, Tim Allen's triumphant return to prime-time television? There must be literally tens of people eagerly anticipating this one! And it's a show about how men and women are different? What a fresh, original concept!



 2. Whitney

 

Boy, this Whitney person better be awfully damn charismatic, because they are clearly banking on her likability to such a huge extent that they haven't bothered to write any jokes. When "your breath is crazy bad" is one of your big laugh lines, you have a serious problem. When manufacturing a situation in which Whitney accidentally sort of moons her boyfriend's parents is considered what, clever? edgy? ribald? whatever, your show is in big trouble. I honestly don't see why anyone would bother to tune in to this show.

 

Oh. Okay, but still. How many horrible sitcom jokes are even  teenage boys going to sit through in hopes of seeing a little leg?

I would say that this show has no chance of succeeding if I hadn't been so wrong about

3. GLEE.

 

Yes, apparently Glee is coming back for another season.  The big joke in the promo involves a teacher asking the class what is the capitol of Ohio and a student answering "O." It's like the kind of joke that would have been printed in Highlights magazine in the 70's. 

I watched one episode of Glee, well not the entire episode, I'm not a masochist, because it was getting a lot of buzz its first season and I really like Jane Lynch, but holy shit was that show terrible! It's just several minutes of stale sitcom humor broken up with gawdawful variety-show song and dance numbers. You could play this show to captured soldiers to get them to give up state secrets, but I'm pretty sure it would violate the Geneva conventions.

So how can a show this objectively horrid become so popular? I blame the Disney Channel. I think we have a generation of young people who grew up having their intelligence debased and their tastes molested by shows like High School Musical who think that Hannah Montana was a legitimate form of entertainment and the Jonas Brothers were a rock & roll band. 

4. Terra Nova.

If I understand the premise, a group of people go way back in time to sort of get a do-over on the whole human race thing so maybe humans won't screw it up so badly this time? But if you were going to do that, go back in time to the dawn of humanity, wouldn't go to a post-dinosaur era? It just seems like common sense. Rebuilding civilization would be hard enough without constantly having to run from giant carnivorous lizards.
Also, if your promo is going to contain the line "like nothing you've ever seen," shouldn't it be required to follow that line with "unless you saw Jurassic Park. Or Land of the Lost.  But assuming you missed both of those, then yeah, this will be like nothing you've ever seen!"

5. Person of Interest



Maybe the dumbest premise for a show I've ever heard. Apparently the creepy nerdy guy on the left has access to all the Homeland Security spy equipment and can somehow know when someone is about to be involved in a violent crime. That would be dumb enough, but here's the kicker: he doesn't know whether they are going to be the perp or the victim! That's some pretty shitty spying, there. You can't tell whether the person of interest is minding his own business about to be attacked or is doing this?

 

Seriously, either I am completely misunderstanding the premise of this show or this show is goddammned retarded.

Oh, and speaking of retarded, I know this is a movie, but holy shit:

Did someone really just make an action movie based on Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots?

Also, the people who made this movie know nothing about fight fans. They aren't interested in seeing two robots fight, they want to see blood. They want to see pain. They want to experience sadism vicariously. This may be the stupidest movie ever made.

If by "Rejoice," you mean "catch fire" then, sure!

This is the same nutbag that claimed birds were dying because of Don't Ask Don't Tell being repealed:



Okay, if you're going to accuse Native Americans of cannibalism, you really need to have some sort of evidence for that. My degree is in American History and granted, I didn't exactly go to an Ivy League school, but I have never heard anything about native Americans practicing cannibalism. But even if that were true, a curse on the land? How would that even work? Instead of punishing the people who committed the offense of cannibalism, God punished the acreage on which the crime took place? So that totally different people living there many years later have to live under a curse for someone else's crimes? Is that what you're saying?

"we found some areas that were very, very violent because the former culture was a murderous, violent area, like in Texas here and all of the coast around Houston. . ." 

So, if I'm understanding this, the violent criminals of Houston are not really to blame for their crimes. Their crimes are due to the previous inhabitants having been a violent culture? So, I guess, open the jails and let everyone out, 'cuz it's not their fault?

"So there’s been a lot of prayer over that in Houston, Texas, they’ve done a lot of intercession over that and broke the curses on the land."

Um, have you been to Houston lately? I don't think any curses have been broken.

 

Houston: Curse-free since 2011!

We just had a prayer meeting in Houston a little a week ago, the governor of Texas, really as an individual instigated this, and 35,000 people showed up to pray and it was only a prayer meeting called within three months, three month period of time. So what happened? The land is starting to rejoice, you see, because of that prayer.

You do know that Texas is on fire, right?

 

Pictured: Rejoicing!

Supporting the troops

Booing a man who is risking life and limb in some godforsaken desert in service of his country? You stay classy, Republicans.

Also, santorum's answer makes no sense. He seems to think that all the troops should be celibate an that the repeal of DADT gives gay soldiers special permission to boink.

Also, it's really strange to see the righties bemoaning the loss of DADT when just a few years ago, they were screaming about this policy destroying the military. Now the military can't survive without it?

Yesterday's Aborted Santorum Post

Rick Santorum is fucking crazy.



But you already knew that.
The only reason I mention this is because it has been brought to my attention that this blog is the number one result for the search term "Rick Santorum is Fucking Crazy."

Check it out: Rick Santorum is Fucking Crazy

Anyway, as we all know, being fucking insane is the least of Rick Santorum's Google-related problems.

Santorum asks Google to clean up search results for his name

September 21, 2011|By John D. Sutter, CNN

On Tuesday, the socially conservative politician lashed out at Google, saying the company could get rid of the sexual references to his name on the search results if it wanted to -- and perhaps would do so if he were a Democrat.

Yeah, maybe they could but maybe it's just too damn funny!

 Also, Google is a business. They are in the search business to make a profit. Do you think that they should lie to their customers? When someone searches for Santorum, their job is not to promote your campaign or spare your feelings, their job is to present the most popular results in order of popularity. If they eliminated the results that are gross, they would be lying to their customers. It would be like presenting the baseball standings and just leaving off the Yankees because Red Sox fans might be offended. You can't say that what you're presenting is an accurate list of the baseball standings.

"I suspect if something was up there like that about Joe Biden, they'd get rid of it," he told Politico. "If you're a responsible business, you don't let things like that happen in your business that have an impact on the country."

God, you're such a Republican! Do they automatically give you lessons on playing the victim when you sign up with the GOP?
First off, really? You really think they would delete something offensive about Biden? They don't even remove the racist shit people post about President Obama.

It took me like 5 seconds to find these.

Second, there isn't anything like that about Joe Biden because he's never said anything as vile and despicable as your gay-bashing rants.

Third, "an impact on the country?" "An impact on the country?" How do you figure this has any impact on the country? Do you think that this is why you're losing? You think you'd be leading the primaries if not for this? Do you think people are saying "Say, I like that Santorum fella, I believe I'll Google him to learn more about his policy positions. . . Oh my God! Here I thought that Santorum was a right-wing religious nut former senator, but now I come to learn that he is actually a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex! Well, I agree with his domestic policy positions, but I just can't bring myself to vote for a  frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. That just wouldn't be right!"

Do you think that's why you're not winning? Take a look at the guy who is leading:

He has basically the same positions as you on pretty much everything, from hating the gays to hating the government to loving the fetuses, but he looks like this:



Whereas you, with the identical platform, look like this:




Imagine you're a voter. Imagine that you were given a choice between two ideologically identical candidates, one who looks like this:



and one who looks like this:



Who are you going to choose? Be honest, now.

Of course you choose Governor Handsome. Why wouldn't you?

 

Please stop saying things. Please God, make my daddy stop saying things!

I'm pretty sure the original post was way funnier, this was the best i could do from memory.