Very Serious People

These very serious people all hold positions of responsibility and must be taken very seriously when they address very serious issues.

Very Serious Person #1:
SC Governor Nikki Haley

  

There are two people in the world who spell their name "Nikki."

One of them is the governor of South Carolina.

SC governor defends Confederate flag at Statehouse: Not ‘a single CEO’ has complained

Wait, that can't be right, can it?

 “What I can tell you is over the last three and a half years, I spent a lot of my days on the phones with CEOs and recruiting jobs to this state,” the governor noted. “I can honestly say I have not had one conversation with a single CEO about the Confederate flag.”

Oh, Geez. . .

Nikki, bubula, you're not supposed to say things like that out loud. You're supposed to pretend that you give a shit about the opinions and feelings of people, even those little non-CEO people, um what do ya call 'em. . . oh, yeah voters!

Okay, so that was one slip. I'm sure everything else she had to say was about very serious ideas and. . .

Haley said that she had tried to improve the perception of the state by ordering employees to answer the phone with the phrase “it’s a great day in South Carolina.”

  

Oh fer fuck sake. . .

That's how you improve your state's image? By having your employees recite some bullshit tagline when they answer the phone? Do you really imagine that anyone is calling the state, hearing "It's a great day in South Carolina" and thinking "it is? Well, heck I'm a gonna bring my whole durn business down thar if the days are really that great! It's rainin' cats & dogs up here in North carolina, Im a headin' down south right now! Pack up yer things, ma - we'se a movin!"

This is like how Chic-Fil-A makes their employees say "it's my pleasure" every time the serve a customer. * No one believes them. Everyone knows they're being forced to say that. It's not like customers are thinking "oh, it's her pleasure? Well, shoot then I guess I don't feel so bad about the miserable minimum wage in this state. If I'd  only known that this cashier is doing this job for her own enjoyment!"

But, really, even if people are fooled by your employees insincere catchphrase, do you really thin that erases the history of slavery and racism that the Confederate flag represents? Don't you think that even with this exercise in P.R. genius, people might still be reminded of the more shameful parts of your state's history when they see that flag?

“But we really kind of fixed all that when you elected the first Indian-American female governor,” she insisted. “When we appointed the first African-American U.S. senator, that sent a huge message.”

  

You stop that, Judge Judy! Stop laughing! Nikki Haley is not to be laughed at. She is a very serious person!

Just as serious as Very Serious Person #2:  Jeb Bush.

Jeb Bush does not currently hold a position of responsibility, but he used to be Governor of Florida and has, well not exactly thrown his hat into the ring, but he is holding his hat in his hand and pacing around the ring waiting for someone to finally ask him to throw it in.

You can tell how serious Jeb is just by his answer to this question about an actual important issue:

Progress Michigan: Do you think Secretary Land should support the Paycheck Fairness Act?
Bush: What's the Paycheck Fairness Act?

 

 You know, I'm sure that there are a lot of folks out there who don't know what the Paycheck Fairness Act is. But none of those people is qualified to be the President of the goddamned United States of America!

Oh, I'm sorry. You were saying? Saying very seriously?

Progress Michigan: The Paycheck Fairness Act is a piece of legislation that would ensure women receive the same pay as men...equal pay for equal work.
Bush: Equal pay for the same work, not for equal work—I think that's the problem with it. I think there's a definition issue.

Whoah! Hold it right there!

Am I misunderstanding you, or is your position seriously that women doing the same work as men is not the same thing as women doing equal work? Is that really what you're saying? Like if a male accountant is doing the same job as a female accountant, that's not equal because of course the female accountant's work would not be as good? 'Cuz, um, boobs? Or something? Are you really trying to imply that? Because that's what I'm hearing.

Progress Michigan: So you don't think Secretary Land should support it?
Bush: I don't know. You'd have to ask her.

Really? You'd have to ask Secretary Land what YOUR OPINION is on whether she should support the Fairness Act? Now that's a serious thinker! No wonder he's considered "the smart one."

  

George was "the cute one." Neil was "the mysterious one."

And of course, no discussion of very serious people could be complete without

 Very Serious Person #3: Louie Gohmert

Discussing the very serious subject of the miniscule possibility DEAD CERTAINTY!!! that there could be an Ebola pandemic in the US, Gohmert offered this analysis:

“You know, it’s a shame that the CDC head, Frieden, is apparently the commander of the Democrats’ new war on women nurses,” Gohmert opined. “Because, goodnight, they set them up, and then they throw them under the bus.”

  

What???

Now, not being a very serious person myself, I really don't understand what the fuck any of this is supposed to mean, but apparently the head of the CDC, at the behest of the Democratic Party, is purposely infecting nurses with Ebola? Because the Democratic Party hates women nurses? I guess that makes sense, I mean why wouldn't the Democrats hate a group made up largely of women who are union members?

“The idiot comes out and says that clearly she had violated protocol,” the Texas congressman continued. “At least in football, they have to tell you what you violated.”

Umm. . . okay. Football. Sure. That just could not be more germane. Whenever anyone doesn't behave the way a football referee would, it's safe to say that person is an idiot. 

And on that note, I think that's about all the very serious people I can take right now. 

 

*Yes, I used to eat at Chic-Fil-A. No, I don't any more. They say they've stopped contributing to anti-gay groups, but the damage has been done. To my arteries.

Right Wing Culture in a Nutshell

TW: violence, misogyny, rape

It all started when a woman named Anita Sarkeesian went on the internet to point out that there was a fair ammount of sexism & misogyny in the "gaming" community. Well, naturally, a lot of guys in the gaming community were upset at having been called sexist and/or misogynist , as any of us would be, so naturally they respomded by threatening her with murder and rape because goddammit, no one calls them misogynists!

Sadly, this is the kind of disgusting behavior one can expect to see from so-called "men's rights activists."



So, Ms Sarkeesian was scheduled to give a talk at a University in Utah. That University received an e-mail containing a threat/manifesto/screed against Sarkeesian, the university and women in general. It read, in part:

“I have at my disposal a semi-automatic rifle, multiple pistols, and a collection of pipe bombs,” the email continues. The threat is “giving (USU) a chance to stop it.”

“One way or another, I’m going to make sure they die,”

“She is going to die screaming like the craven little whore that she is if you let her come to USU.”

and

“I will write my manifesto in her spilled blood, and you will all bear witness to what feminist lies and poison have done to the men of America.”

Naturally, Sarkeesian asked the University to step up security, which they said they would BUT, because Utah is an "open-carry" state, they could not prevent people from bringing loaded firearms into the auditorium where she would be speaking.

This horrifying intersection of the "men's rights" movement and the "gun rights" movement pretty much sums up right-wing culture in a nutshell to me.

The thugs and bullies have their "rights" protected at the expense of the rights of someone to give or attend a speech without being in fear for her life. Maybe this is why ALEC and the other right-wing scumbags have been pushing for these open-carry laws. I always wondered. I mean, the NRA just wants people to buy as many guns as possible, why do they care whether or not people can strut around WalMart with them? Maybe it's not about gun sales, maybe it's about right-wing scumbags being able to intimidate bully and terrorize anyone who disagrees with them? I'm sure ALEC has an interest in stifling dissent.

Anyway, welcome to the new America. This is now the new normal.

And for the record, since they do seem to scour the internet looking for unfavorable mentions, let me just say that yes, "Men's Rights Activists" (MRAs) are weak, pathetic little crybabies who feel the need to bully and intimidate women to make up for their own sad little insecurities. They are vile, loathsome little hate creatures who just can't understand why women don't want to sleep with vile loathsome little hate creatures. MRAs are tragic pitiful little man-boys who should just go back down to their parents' basements and trim their neckbeards and leave decent people alone.

I'm Back! What'd I Miss?

Oh, a lot?

First, another Republican went on record urging sedition:

I have a question for all my friends who have served or are currently serving in our military … having not put on a uniform nor taken any type military oath, there has to be something that I am just not aware of. But I cannot and do not understand why no action is being taken against our domestic enemy. I know he is supposedly the commander in chief, but the Constitution gives you the authority. What am I missing? Thank you for your bravery and may God keep you safe,”[Debbie] Dunnegan said in her post from early last week

Wow, that's really even so much worse than the last couple of sedition-promoting Republicans.
At least when Brian Kilmeade suggested that generals "put their stars on the table and walk out" on the President, he didn't pretend that the Constitution granted them the authority to "take action against" their Commander in Chief.
I'd really like to know what part of the Constitution this nutter thinks gives the military the authority to "take action against" any US citizen, let alone the President!

In other news, these guys are actual, honest-to-God, members of the United Staes Congress:

Rep. Steve Stockman Wonders If Obama Is Using Ebola To Take Over Government


How is that a thing that a sane person would wonder? How is it possible that, instead of  standing on a milk crate with a bullhorn, on La Cienega this man is a member of the United States Congress?

Rep. Steve Stockman yesterday chatted with End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles, telling the “Trunews” host that President Obama may be delaying the government response to the Ebola epidemic because he wants the virus to spread. Once it spreads, Stockman argued, then Obama will use the Ebola outbreak as a justification to declare emergency powers.
The Republican lawmaker insisted that was simply just asking the question: “It’s just bizarre there’s not enough action up front and I’m wondering if that’s — I’m not saying this — but I’m wondering if that’s intentional in order to create a greater crisis to use it as a blunt force to say, well in order to solve this crisis we’re going to have to take control of the economy and individuals and so forth.”

How would that even work? How would an outbreak of Ebola (which is NOT going to happen, no matter tepid the response) lead to a takeover of the economy? I mean, sure, of course we'd all be herded into FEMA camps and of course they'd take all our guns away, but how would a takeover of the economy be justified? Like "My fellow Americans, there is a horrible epidemic of a hellacious disease, so I have no choice but to declare that all the monies now goes to me?" It doesn't make sense.

 

 

Stockman 2014!

But as insane as that is, at least it's not just a blatant lie:

 

Rep. Duncan Hunter Claims 'At Least' 10 ISIS Fighters Apprehended On Texas Border 

 The San Diego Republican said U.S. Border Patrol "sources" told him that "at least 10 ISIS fighters have been caught coming across the Mexican border in Texas."

 Why was I not informed of this?
Why was everyone not informed of this?
Why would they keep this secret?
Why would the border patrol not be screaming from the rooftops "we need more funding! We need more cool tanks and shit! ISIS is coming!"?
Because, of course that's exactly what would happen if there were any tiny little modicum of truth to this. Border Patrol, the CIA, the FBI, the Military, they would all be trumpeting this new threat to our safety.

"ISIS doesn’t have a navy, they don’t have an air force, they don’t have nuclear weapons," he added. "The only way that ISIS is going to harm Americans is by coming through the southern border -- which they already have."

They have no airplanes, they have no boats, yet they are able to get from Syria to fucking Mexico?!?!
Damn, that is scary!

"If you really want to protect Americans from ISIS, you secure the southern border -- it’s that simple," he said. "They caught them at the border, therefore we know that ISIS is coming across the border. If they catch five or 10 of them then you know there’s going to be dozens more that did not get caught by the border patrol," he said on Fox News’ "On the Record with Greta Van Susteren."

How is it that you're just allowed to go on TV and just blatantly lie like that? It's one thing for nut jobs like Gohmert or Steve King to worry about how terrorist theoretically could go to Mexico and then sneak across the border and then kill us all in our sleep!!!! but to sit there and say that this has actually happened? How do you get away with this shit?

Oh, well it is FOX. I mean, it's not like a legitimate news source would allow him to . . .

ABC Gives Rep. Hunter A Pass For Lying About ISIS On The Southern Border

By Heather October 13, 2014 9:00 am

 

The pundits on This Week refused to call Rep. Duncan a liar for his evidence-free claim that ISIS members had been apprehended at our southern border.

 

Oh, Jesus Christ!

And speaking of legitimate journalists. . .


October 15, 2014, 11:32 am
Chuck Todd 'sick' to be in McConnell ad

A new ad released Tuesday for Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) uses Todd's comments last week that McConnell's challenger, Democratic Senate candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes, "disqualified herself" by refusing to say if she voted for President Obama

.

Wow. Really, it just makes you sick, does it? Maybe if you had done your "job" as an "impartial" "journalsit" instead of going on to Morning Joe to offer your stupid, shitty opinion about who should and shouldn't be running, this wouldn't happen. No one is going to put you in their ad if you're saying "recent polls show McConnell and Grimes running neck and neck" or whatever. When you go on tv to basically endorse one candidate over another, you've pretty much already done an ad for McConnell, you hack.


Is there more? I'm sure there's plenty more, but the game is starting.

computer troubles

Should be fixed soon.

Fuck St. Louis!

So the St. Louis Cardinals fans were caught being total dicks the other day:

St. Louis Cardinals Fans Chant ‘Let’s Go Darren’ At Ferguson Protesters Outside Playoff Game

by Travis Waldron Posted on October 7, 2014 Updated: October 8, 2014

A group of Cardinals fans confronted Michael Brown protesters before a playoff game Monday, and the results were ugly.

211 Tweets 4,355 Shares

 Which really made this seem even dumber:

St. Louis to America: Don’t Be Jealous

Mayor of St. Louis Responds to the Cardinals Being Called ‘Hateable’

Yes, the mayor of St. Louis, the town which elected a mayor who doesn't know the difference between "jealous" and "envious."

This was apparently written in response to a Wall St Journal article which named the St. Louis Cardinals the most "hateable" team in baseball which is absurd, because I hate the Cardinals and I can think of at least three teams I hate more than I hate them, but whatever. Let's see why the mayor thinks we may be "jealous" of St. Louis.

You see, while you might think of St. Louis as flyover country and not pay us much due, we’re kind of a big deal come October on Major League Baseball diamonds. In fact, we’re kind of a big deal for a number of reasons.

Ooh, "kind of a big deal!" Wat yo keep those pop-culture references current!

Thus, I feel compelled to deliver a simple message to America: We’re sorry.

Sure, we’re sorry the Cardinals have won 11 World Series championships, two since 2006. But there’s much, much more for which we owe all of you a heartfelt apology.

Indeed, we’re sorry that New York and San Francisco are 2.3 times and 1.7 times respectively more expensive to live in than the St. Louis metro area.

Okay, and I'm sorry that New York and San Francisco are 23. and 1.7 times more desirable places to live than St. Louis apparently. I mean, you know how the market works, right? If a lot of people want to live in a place, that place becomes more expensive? Supply and demand? 

Oh  and also, since 2006 , the San Francisco Giants and Boston Red Sox have also won 2 Woirld Series championships apiece, so maybe it's not that big a deal?

We’re sorry for producing one of the world’s best-selling batteries (Energizer) and two of the 10 best-selling beers in the world—Budweiser and Bud Light.

Oh, I didn't realize that you produced piss water and slightly less flavorful piss water there in your fine city. Gee, I wish San Francisco had something to stack up against. . . oh, wait!

 

Hmm, how many American beers made the list of "World Classics" in Micheal Jackson's (not that Micheal Jackson) Pocket Guide to Beer?

The 2000 list included six American beers: Anchor Steam, Anchor Liberty Ale, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Sierra Nevada Bigfoot, Alaskan Smoked Porter and Celis White (on its last legs in Texas).

 

 (This Micheal Jackson)

We’re sorry that the four largest metro areas in the nation lost nearly 25,000 financial-service jobs between January 2007 and September 2012, while St. Louis added more than 5,500 in the sector.

Ooh, more bankers! You must be very proud!

That guy Jon Hamm? Yeah, we’re sorry for raising him here and sending him out into the world for your entertainment delight.

Yeah, and then he went to Hollywood California so he could become an entertainer. Had he stayed in St. Louis he would have been known as that guy who performs 6 nights a week at Busch Gardens and gets laid an awful lot.

Let me just add this about that. I was born and raised in San Mateo, California. San Mateo produced Tom Brady, one of the finest quarterbacks ever to play in the NFL. And I promise you that there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that anyone should ever visit San Mateo, California unless maybe you're an insomniac looking for a cure. Having a famous accomplished person come from your town is no testament to the impressiveness of that town, especially if that person had to leave that town in order to become successfula and accomplished.

Also, St. Louis is a pretty big city. You've only produced one celebrity? I mean, my God, Concord, California doesn't even show up on a map of Concord, California and it produced Dave Brubeck, Tom Hanks and Mark Hamill! Step up your game there, St Louis!

We’re sorry for our diverse community in that more Bosnians—over 60,000—call St. Louis home than anywhere outside of Bosnia.

Wow. I don't know what's sadder, the fact that Bosnians are the only people in the world who would come to St. Louis and say "yes, this place is better than the place we left, let's stay here." Or the fact that that's what you consider "diversity."

  

Compared to this, St. Louis doesn't seem too bad!

 Geez, take a drive through LA someday. You'll see Ethiopian neighborhoods, Armenian neighborhoods, Korean neighborhoods, Chinese, Japanese, Samoan, Russian, Mexican, Salvadoran. . . Hell, in Houston, Texas not exactly known as an enclave of racial tolerance has more diversity. Just look at theis report from the Houston FOX affiliate:

Over 100 Languages in Houston

HOUSTON (FOX 26) -
Spanish, Vietnamese, Farsi, those are just a few of the 100 languages spoken throughout the city of Houston.

So that's what Houston fucking Texas brings to the table diversity-wise and you're going to sit thater going "a lot of our white guys come from Eastern Europe?"

We’re sorry for Forest Park, our beautiful 1,300-acre urban park comprises an award-winning zoo, science center, art and history museums, golf courses, ice rink and green space.

And I'm sorry that you never learned proper sentence structure. Also I'm sorry to have to tell you that pretty much every city has parks, zoos, museums and golf courses. The fact that you think this is something about which to brag just makes me feel sad for you.

We’re sorry for not only being home to 18 Fortune 1000 companies, but for developing one of the most promising and fastest-growing ecosystems for startups and entrepreneurs, delivering innovations that are being used by businesses and consumers world-wide. You know, like that pesky social-media platform Twitter (St. Louisan Jack Dorsey ) or credit-card processing device Square (St. Louisan Jim McKelvey).

Again, St. Louis is a pretty big city. Having a whopping 0.18% of the Fortune One Thousand (who knew it went up to 1000? most of us stopped paying attention after 500) hardly seems like that big an accomplishment. 

We’re sorry that at the 1904 World’s Fair in St. Louis, Richard Blechynden served tea with ice, thus inventing iced tea (although not the rapper/actor Ice-T).

Oh my God, that was you? Oh, I take it all back then. If I knew that you were responsible for the brilliant innovation of adding ICE to a refreshing beverage, well. . . I just don't know what we would ever have done without the brilliant inventive mind of Richard Blechynden who was born on a tea plantation IN INDIA.


We are, in fact, actually kind of sorry that our state animal is the mule, but that’s another discussion for another day. The point is that we here in the Midwest are not a boastful people.

WHAT? You have literally spent the entire column boasting about the supposed virtues of your stupid city. (And somehow forgot to mention ribs, the only thing besides baseball you seem to be good at). You've done nothing but brag in that passive-aggressive Sarah Palin "sorry, not sorry" style that is usually reserved for rebellious teens. 

 

Geez, sorry I don't want to be Stepford wife and spit out a bunch of stupid babies! Sorry!

 

 We’re humble and quietly go about our business, inventing the things you use every day, entertaining you, finding employment for your citizens and handing you losses on the baseball field regularly. (We’re especially sorry to Chicago.)

Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful here in St. Louis. But if you do, just know that we’re sorry. Go Cards!

--Francis G. Slay is the mayor of St. Louis. 

You know what, Francis G, Slay? Fuck you and your phony aw-shucks humility. Fuck you and your entire fucking city. And especially fuck your stupid baseball team. You bastards are going down!

 

Remember this? Get used to a lot of this!

  

Ah, yes. The sweet taste of Cardinals tears!