Friday, January 2, 2015

A random thing that just occurred to me

Imagine the horror of being Hamilton Burger.

http://www.jeffs60s.com/ham1.jpg
(for those of you too young to know, he was the fictional district attorney who was bested each week by Perry Mason)

Just think for a moment what it must have been like for him. It's not bad enough that you lose every week. Every case. You're the Washington Generals of the legal profession. And every time you step into a courtroom to try a case you hear, "Perry Mason for the defense, your honor" and you think Jesus Christ, again? I mean what are the fucking odds? Is he stalking me? Does he somehow find out what cases I'm prosecuting and then contact that defendant and ask to represent him just to fuck with me? How can it possibly be him every god damned time? It's statistically impossible, but yet, there he is again! Does God hate me? I mean, it's got to be a nightmare going down to defeat week after week after week. . .

But that's nothing compared to the real weight you carry. After every one of those defeats, you have to be thinking "my God, I nearly sent an innocent man to the chair!" I have this enormous responsibility to ensure that the guilty are punished and the innocent are not and I came this close to costing an innocent man his life!

And the only reason that I don't have this innocent man's blood on my hands is that Perry Mason is so much better at lawyering than I am. My inability to secure a conviction is the only thing that keeps me from destroying the lives of innocent people. And next week I'm going to try another case and I have absolutely no reason to think that the defendant will not once again be an innocent man wrongly accused. I'm a monster. And my only saving grace is that I'm an incompetent monster.

I owe such an enormous debt of gratitude to the man that kicks my ass over and over again each week, he's the only thing preventing me from being a mass murderer.

How did he live with that? How does he go through life with that weighing on his conscience? It's unimaginable.

So next time you're having a rough day, next time you're feeling like you're not doing all the good you should be doing in the world, just think about poor Hamilton Burger. And thank your god that you aren't him.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

How Not to Share Your Religion




Found at http://christiannightmares.tumblr.com/


Geez, where to begin with this guy?

Okay, first of all, you're not "witnessing." What you're doing is forcing some poor Taco Bell employee to shout out something uncomfortable while you smirk.
And what is it you think you're going to accomplish here? Do you envision the Taco Bell lady shouting "order of cinnamon craps for Jesus Christ is Lord" and someone looking up from his "taco" and saying "he is? He 's Lord? Well, get me to the church on time, for from this day forth I. Am. A. Christian! I know not what choices others may make, but as for me and my hose, we shall serve the Lord!"

Also, this isn't so much "witnessing" as it is blaspheming. If I were working at Taco Bell and someone asked me to address him as "Jesus Christ is Lord" and especially if the condescending prick talked to me like a parent encouraging a toddler "be sure to say it all loud so I can hear you all the way in back" I have to think my response would be something like "no, I will not say that, it would be incredibly disrespectful. I am not going to shout out 'I have an order of cinnaturds for Jesus Christ. I will also not call you "Allah," "Buddha," "Krishna," or "Lord Xenu." Well, no I take that back, I will refer to you as "Lord Xenu," in fact every time you come in here, I will shout out "nice to see you again, Lord Xenu!"

And also, too, if you're going to try to convert people to your religion, it's probably best not to act like a smug, smirking, self-impressed asshole. Just sayin'




Tuesday, December 30, 2014

2014: The Year in Television

If you know me at all, and you certainly do not, you know I'm a big fan of mankind's greatest invention: television.

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No, the other television.

http://www.vintagetvsets.com/images/header.gif 
There you go!

So without further ado, the Daily Irritant is proud to present The Year in Television!

Newcomer of the Year, Comedy:

Broad City





Ilana and Abby get funnier every week. And Hannibal Burress just keeps killing it.




Runner up: Review with Forrest MacNeil starring Andy Daly who should really have been a star for some time now.






Best Newcomer, Drama:

Tyrant

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/news_portrait/2014/06/tyrant-s1-poster.jpg


For some reason, this show doesn't seem to be making anyone elses's top-10 lists, but I really love this show.
Mainly because of this guy:

https://31.media.tumblr.com/3db7fc795a6324797c827656d799b8e4/tumblr_n6vbnlQs0A1tvoctwo3_500.jpg

Ashraf Barhom is just amazing as Jamal, the man who wishes he could be a good person but just can't somehow, which is also a really fascinating character. He makes this show which is good, but not great, mainly because of the producers' decision to focus so much on his brother Bassam/Barry who is much less interesting character. I assume they see him as the Walter White of the show, the guy who starts out with good intentions and becomes corrupted, but Jamal is reaaly where the show's focus needs to be.

Performance of the Year Female: 
Tatiana Masley, Orphan Black 

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She plays five totally distinct major characters as well as  the occasional supporting character, at least one of whom is male. She completely disappears  into each character, I have no idea which character she would even resemble in real life. And a lot of scenes involve two or more of her characters talking to each other. Just amazing.

Performance of the Year, Male:
Ashraf Barhom, Tyrant

http://www.themortonreport.com/2014/08/16/Tyrant0112.jpg

See above.


Biggest Disappointment:
How to get Away With Murder


I love Scandal.
Love it, love it, love it love it!
So when I heard that Shonda Rhimes had a new show coming out, and it was called "how to get away with murder," I could not wait!
http://cdn.hellogiggles.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/02/shondaland.jpg?123

Then I watched it.
Sighhhhh. . .

It's just bad. Just really badly written, badly drawn characters, bad trying-too-hard direction, just bad. A quick IMDb search reveals that Shonda Rhimes did none of the writing on this show. That explains a lot. Because it's just bad.


Best British Series
Call the Midwife
 http://i1.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article157321.ece/alternates/s615/miranda-in-call-the-midwife-372762643.jpg
No, it's not Downton Abbey this year. It's Call the Midwife. This is a show that by all rights should be insufferably saccharine and corny as hell, but somehow is just the opposite. The tale of young nurses and older nuns providing midwifery services to the residents of an impoverished London neighborhood in the 1950s manages to pull off the impossible. It's a drama with no villain. And it works. Somehow a show whose every character you're likely to fall in love with manages to create tension and suspense. My wife says that poverty and illness are the villains and, as usual, she's right on. Anyway, if you haven't seen this show, you're really missing out.


Most Infuriating Development:
Super Fun Night gets cancelled after one season.
 http://www.blahcultural.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/super-fun.jpg

Rebel Wilson was one of the best surprises in years, a fresh face with a new style who is consistently funny but also able to bring the heart when needed.

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Her two sidekicks were also really good. Screw you, ABC! No wonder no one watches network TV anymore!





Best Reason to sign up for Netflix:
Happy Valley

Happy Valley (2014) Poster

Great British cop show not available on any channel. Sarah Lancashire is one bad-ass cop. There are only 6 episodes in this mini-series so you can binge watch the entire thing in one rainy afternoon.

Other Shows We've Enjoyed This Year:
The Americans
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Maron

http://www.tvmediainsights.com/wp-content/uploads/maron2.jpg


Rectify

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Fargo

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Mainly due to the performances of Billy Bob Thornton and Allison Tolman. Oh, and Colin Hanks. And Martin Freeman. And pretty much the entire cast, although how Keith Carradine keeps getting acting jobs is beyond me.

The Good Wife

http://images4.fanpop.com/image/photos/24400000/The-Good-Wife-Wallpaper-the-good-wife-24455135-1280-1024.jpg

Which somehow managed to get even better after killing off love interest/boss Will Gardner which I thought was going to ruin the show. Adding Michael J. Fox certainly helped.

The Returned (Les Revenants)

The Returned (2012) Poster

Technically, this French import is a 2012 show, but we stumbled onto it on Netflix this year and were hooked from episode 1. They're smart enough to keep the mystery going throughout the entire run without (spoiler alert) ever explaining exactly what the hell is going on. That may make the ending a bit unsatisfactory for some, but any explanation they could have come up with would probably have felt even less satisfying, so I think it was a smart move.

Downton Abbey

https://rogerrelevant.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/downton_abbey.jpg


And I'm sure I'm forgetting a few. If I remember anything else, I'll do a part two tomorrow. But for now I've got to go. I've been away from the TV for too long.



Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Weirdest Headline I Have Ever Seen




AFP

Wife of freed Cuba agent pregnant, thanks to US


http://www.threadbombing.com/data/media/2/double_take.gif


But no, the story is even weirder.

Officials have confirmed that a US senator helped a Cuban spy imprisoned in California to impregnate his wife

 http://myreactiongifs.com/gifs/clooneydoubletake.gif

What? Why is a US Senator helping a Cuban spy with anything? And why is a US Senator helping anyone impregnate anyone? And how is a Us Senator. . . you know what, never mind. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

The highly improbable arrangements allowed for Adriana Perez Hernandez to be artificially inseminated months before husband Gerardo Hernandez returned to Cuba to a hero's welcome last Wednesday.
The parents-to-be owe much of their good fortune to Senator Patrick Leahy, who has made several trips to the communist-ruled island over the years.

Apparently, at least one trip with a vial of Cuban spy baby-making stuff!

http://www.fizzygrrl.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/1425437_o.gif 


Hernandez was arrested in the United States in 1998 and convicted in 2001 on charges of espionage and conspiracy to murder. He and five other Cubans were sentenced to two life sentences plus 15 years.

But hey, that's no reason a United States Senator shouldn't be jerking you off into a test tube so you can reproduce!

Monday, December 22, 2014

Exploiting Tragedy



On Saturday, two New York police officers were murdered by a scumbag who had just murdered his girlfriend. This is terrible. No one disputes that it is terrible when people are murdered, at least no one at the Chaos Compound. But certain people, certain despicable people, have decided to use this tragic killing as a platform from which to try and score cheap political points.

Take for instance, bow-tied shitweasel Tucker Carlson:


"The murders took place out of the blue in the context of a lot of political agitation," Carlson explained on Sunday. "You don't want to start speculated about why this happened or casting blame unfairly. Again, we know who pulled the trigger, he is ultimately responsible."

Okay, good. Stop. Stop right there, you got it. No need to say any more things.
Aaaaand, you're gonna say more things, aren't you?

"But it's such an emotional thing, it's so wrong, immoral, unfair, that it's almost hard not to point at some of the people who have been whipping race hatred in this country for the past couple of months, and saying they do bear some responsibility for this."
 Right. Just like how you all blamed Bill O'Reilly for the murder of Dr. Tiller, against whom he repeatedly whipped up hatred. . . oh, wait. No. No, that's right, that gunman bore sole responsibility for that murder. Right.

"For [President Obama] to embrace Sharpton," Carlson opined, "Who is just an open bigot and a criminal and a tax cheat, who's been whipping up race hatred in New York for all these decades. For the president of the United States to embrace this guy as a personal friend, an adviser, to show up at the NAN meetings, to have him in the White House again, and again, and again, and again, to endorse his message -- boy, no wonder you've got craziness going on in the streets." 


Yes. Yes that must be it. I'm sure no one was planning on protesting the frequent murders of unarmed black people by police officers, then someone said "hey, looks like Al Sharpton's visiting the White House. To the streets!" Obviously the protestors take their cues from the White House's choice of domestic policy advisers. Of course.


Then there was shameless, soulless opportunist Rudi Giulianni:

“We’ve had four months of propaganda starting with the president that everybody should hate the police,” Giuliani said during an appearance on Fox News early Sunday.

 Really? Well, as we like to say here at the Daily Irritant, name one.
Go ahead. Name one instance of President Obama saying anything remotely like "everyone should hate the police." Go ahead. I'll wait. . .

*crickets*

“The protests are being embraced, the protests are being encouraged. The protests, even the ones that don’t lead to violence, a lot of them lead to violence, all of them lead to a conclusion: The police are bad, the police are racist. That is completely wrong.”

 Wait. "even the ones that don’t lead to violence, a lot of them lead to violence?" Do you really not prerpare yourself at all for going on television? I mean, I know it's FOX, but still.

So, you're saying that the president and others who have "embraced" and "encouraged" the protests have some culpability if those protests lead to violence? I mean, setting aside for a moment that the man who killed these three people was not one of the protesters, wasn't even a New Yorker, setting that aside for a moment, I'm curious what your take was on the last prominent cop-killing?


NBC News
A Las Vegas couple who shot to death two police officers, a civilian and themselves delivered an ominous message before they left home with a shopping cart of weapons to carry out the anti-government ambush, a neighbor said.  
Authorities said they believe the Millers were acting alone but they espoused an "anti-government, anti-police" ideology with militia and white supremacist overtones. 
 Investigators were looking into possible links between the couple and some of the groups that converged on rancher Cliven Bundy's property during his armed standoff with federal rangers over land rights.

 So I assume you equally condemned the people who promoted the anti-government, pro-Cliven Bundy mindset that led to this violence?

 Fielder said she had heard Jerad Miller make anti-government statements in the past — including a desire to overthrow the government and President Obama and kill police officers

Surely you denounced in the strongest possible terms those who embraced that kind of hatred for government in general and Barack Obama in particular, right?

 They covered one with a swastika and the Revolutionary War-era Gadsden flag, which depicts a coiled snake and the words “Don’t Tread On Me.” On the other officer was a note that said, "The revolution is beginning." 

And I'm sure you heaped blame on any public personality who spoke encouragingly to crowds waving those Gadsden flags and calling for revolution, right?

Disingenuous piece of shit.


And somehow Bernard Kerik keeps being given a platform to spew shit like this:

"This guy's intent — based on that Instagram post — was retribution for Eric Garner and Michael Brown," he told Newsmax. "The people who encouraged these protests — you had peaceful protesters who were screaming 'kill the cops' — the so-called peaceful protesters.
"Who was encouraging these protesters? De Blasio, Sharpton and other elected officials and community leaders. They encouraged this mentality. They encouraged this behavior.

"They encouraged it — and these two cops are dead because of people like them," Kerik said. "They don't owe the cops an apology.

"An apology isn't good enough. They have blood on their hands."

And how did Maqyor De Blasio "encourage" this mentality? Who knows? And no one is going to ask. As long as these assclowns stick with FOX and Newsmax and these other half-baked right-wing jokes of journalistic outlets, they can make up whatever kind of crap they want, because no one reading or hearing them is going to do any research to find out what it is  that Mayor De Blasio or President Obama or Rev. Sharpton may or may not have said. they'll just hear these little sewer rats say that they encouraged the killing of cops and think "yeah, I could see De Blasio giving a speech telling people to kill cops." "Yeah, makes perfect sense to me that Barack Obama was probably reciting 'Fuck Tha Police' at his latest press conference. I could never tell the difference between him and Eazy-E anyway."

Later, Kerik called for peaceful citizen demonstrations over the deaths of the officers.
"What I want to see is a day of outrage," he told Jeanine Pirro on her Fox News program. "I want to see protests for the two cops that are lying dead tonight.

Of course he said that. And he wasn't the only one trotting out this bullshit trope.

Bill Kristol put down his shit sandwich long enough to say this:

"Well, it's terrible what happened," Kristol remarked. "And I hope liberals show as much concern about Officer Ramos and Officer Liu as they did as they did about Mr. Garner and Mr. Martin. We'll see."
 
 
They always do this. Whenever there are protests over the murder of a Trayvon Martin or a Mike Brown or an Eric Gardner, or one of the many otheres, they always trot out this whole "hey, there was a white guy killed by a black guy, why don't thery protest about that?"
As if they didn't know that the reason no one needs to protest about the dead white guy is because the perpetrator will no doubt be arrested, charged, tried and convicted. If the scumbag nut who killed these two cops hadn't killed himself, there is no question but that he would have been arrested ( or been killed while "resisting arrest") charged, tried, convicted and executed.
People protest because unarmed black people keep getting killed and the killers are never brought to justice.  They never face any consequences. They don't even lose their jobs as police.

They know this. They know damn well, but they don't care. They just want to use the tragic deaths of their fellow human beings to score cheap political points. And it's disgusting.