Headlines that sound like The Onion

American Achiever of 2014: Sarah Palin

By M. Joseph Sheppard

Um. . . Achiever? 


 

 2014? 

 

Sarah Palin?      

You know, I could see naming Ms Palin "achiever of the year" for whatever year she won the gubernatorial race in Alaska. That was quite an achievement for an empty-headed, spite-fueled mayor of  methtown.  But 2014? What the hell did she achieve in 2014?

Well, she did manage to go the entire year without having another baby. Or grandbaby. So that's something.

And she was handed yet another "reality" show by the lib'rul lamestream media, although it is on a channel no one watches and she looks to be one of three "hosts" even though her name is above the title. So I guess having name enough name recognition that a huntin' & fishin' channel will pay you to try to drum up some interest in some piece of crap show is sort of an accomplishment?

And I think that there was that one time she managed to form a coherent sentence.

Also, she finally dislodged that piece of popcorn from between her teeth. She found her car keys.  She did a load of laundry in which all the socks matched up.

She remembered to wear her underwear on the inside.

 

Some folks still haven't got the hang of it!

But let's just see what accomplishments she's actually being honored for.

It would be the height of churlishness for even the most inveterate leftist to deny the import of someone who made Time magazine's "100 Most Influential People" list, and then the Smithsonian Institution's "100 Most Significant Americans Of All Time" list.  Both affirmations were earned by former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

What the fuck? Most significant Americans of all time? She made the top 100? She's on a list that presumably includes George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr, Henry Ford and Joan Jett? What the hell is wrong with the Smithsonian?

Let me look at that list. 

Okay, among the first three names listed are a Brit and two Italians, at least one of whom never set foot in America.

Trailblazers
Christopher Columbus
Henry Hudson
Amerigo Vespucci


So, I'm not sure that I'm going to give this list all that much weight.

Especially since this list does not include Cesar Chavez,  Woody Guthrie, Miles Davis, Mario Savio, Orson Welles, or Gloria Steinem. 

Also, the traitors Benedict Arnold and Robert E. Lee made the cut, so inclusion on this list is not necessarily a compliment. Seriously, Lucky Luciano, John Wilkes Booth and Charles fucking Manson all made the list. 

So, anyway, I'm not sure that making this list really makes you that much of an "achiever."

To then accept Governor Palin as "American Achiever of the Year 2014" would be for most, if not all on the left (and to be fair, many in the GOP) no doubt a bridge too far. 

Well, no, it would just be silly. Let's not get all dramatic.

 

Palin achieved what such luminaries as President Obama did not: a place in the Smithsonian's prestigious "Most Significant" list. 

And?

After being written off by many in the media, and especially the left, as "irrelevant" and predicted by MSNBC's Krystal Ball as "not going to have an effect on the [2014] midterms," Palin's record of success of her endorsed candidates was nothing short of phenomenal. Governor Palin endorsed 22 candidates for various offices during the midterm finals, including senators, governors, lieutenant governors, congressmen, and attorneys general.  Of those so endorsed, an incredible 20 were elected

Oh. And we're pretending that she had something to do with their success, is that it? She endorsed a bunch of Republicans in an off-year election in which Republicans won handily with extremely low turnout. So ipso facto, they won because of her. Obviously.  I mean, it's not like anyone else was endorsing these candidates, right?

Also, I think maybe it was these candidates who achieved something more than the person who "endorsed" them. I mean, it's like making me sportsman of the year because I rooted for the Giants and they won the World Series. 

Dammit, that shoulda been me!

Beyond the success of her endorsed candidates lies a much deeper reason for Palin being seen as "Achiever of the Year": those Palin endorsed in their respective primaries who then went on to win the general election battles.  As in the past with, among others, senators Ted Cruz, Kelly Ayotte, and Deb Fischer, and Governor Nikki Haley, who owe their elections in their primary campaigns to Palin's endorsement at a critical juncture, so too could new senators Ben Sasse and Joni Ernst, and new Alaska governor Bill Walker (and, remarkably, his Democrat lieutenant governor Byron Mallott) be considered to owe all or a substantial part of their nominations to Palin's endorsement. 

Really? Do you have any evidence that any of these politicians were helped by Palin's endorsement? Seriously, do you think the voters in these awful states were thinking, I'm not going to vote for this extremist right-wing nutjob. . .oh, wait. Palin's endorsing her? Well, the hog-castrator's got my vote!

You really think anything like that happened? Do you have any polling data to back that up? Any evidence at all?

 For all her detractors’ cries of "irrelevance" and "she's just a reality show entertainer" (those two being among the nicer epithets), Palin goes on, election cycle after election cycle, populating Congress with her endorsed candidates in a cost-effective manner, and in such numbers that the likes of Karl Rove with his 1% success rate can surely view only with hidden admiration, if not downright envy.

 

Wow. Okay, I'll give you that one. She's more relevant than Rove. Jeezus, who isn't these days?

In what is perhaps the most interesting aspect of Palin’s year of achievement, in instance after instance where Palin was ridiculed for a straightforward statement (e.g., "death panels" or the true history of Paul Revere), her most strident critics have agreed, in whole or in part, with her views. 

Well, now you're just lying. That's just a big fat lie. She was dead wrong (lying) about "death panels" and she was dead wrong (ignorant/stupid) about Paul Revere. Yes, I know someone did a bunch of mental gymnastics to come up with a way to say that she was technically not altogether wrong about Paul Revere, but yes she was. She was wrong. 

But, hey, you want to make her your "achiever" of the year? Go right ahead. It's no skin off my nose. Just know that everyone who reads your column is going to be laughing at you.

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A random thing that just occurred to me

Imagine the horror of being Hamilton Burger.


(for those of you too young to know, he was the fictional district attorney who was bested each week by Perry Mason)

Just think for a moment what it must have been like for him. It's not bad enough that you lose every week. Every case. You're the Washington Generals of the legal profession. And every time you step into a courtroom to try a case you hear, "Perry Mason for the defense, your honor" and you think Jesus Christ, again? I mean what are the fucking odds? Is he stalking me? Does he somehow find out what cases I'm prosecuting and then contact that defendant and ask to represent him just to fuck with me? How can it possibly be him every god damned time? It's statistically impossible, but yet, there he is again! Does God hate me? I mean, it's got to be a nightmare going down to defeat week after week after week. . .

But that's nothing compared to the real weight you carry. After every one of those defeats, you have to be thinking "my God, I nearly sent an innocent man to the chair!" I have this enormous responsibility to ensure that the guilty are punished and the innocent are not and I came this close to costing an innocent man his life!

And the only reason that I don't have this innocent man's blood on my hands is that Perry Mason is so much better at lawyering than I am. My inability to secure a conviction is the only thing that keeps me from destroying the lives of innocent people. And next week I'm going to try another case and I have absolutely no reason to think that the defendant will not once again be an innocent man wrongly accused. I'm a monster. And my only saving grace is that I'm an incompetent monster.

I owe such an enormous debt of gratitude to the man that kicks my ass over and over again each week, he's the only thing preventing me from being a mass murderer.

How did he live with that? How does he go through life with that weighing on his conscience? It's unimaginable.

So next time you're having a rough day, next time you're feeling like you're not doing all the good you should be doing in the world, just think about poor Hamilton Burger. And thank your god that you aren't him.

How Not to Share Your Religion

Found at http://christiannightmares.tumblr.com/


Geez, where to begin with this guy?

Okay, first of all, you're not "witnessing." What you're doing is forcing some poor Taco Bell employee to shout out something uncomfortable while you smirk.
And what is it you think you're going to accomplish here? Do you envision the Taco Bell lady shouting "order of cinnamon craps for Jesus Christ is Lord" and someone looking up from his "taco" and saying "he is? He 's Lord? Well, get me to the church on time, for from this day forth I. Am. A. Christian! I know not what choices others may make, but as for me and my hose, we shall serve the Lord!"

Also, this isn't so much "witnessing" as it is blaspheming. If I were working at Taco Bell and someone asked me to address him as "Jesus Christ is Lord" and especially if the condescending prick talked to me like a parent encouraging a toddler "be sure to say it all loud so I can hear you all the way in back" I have to think my response would be something like "no, I will not say that, it would be incredibly disrespectful. I am not going to shout out 'I have an order of cinnaturds for Jesus Christ. I will also not call you "Allah," "Buddha," "Krishna," or "Lord Xenu." Well, no I take that back, I will refer to you as "Lord Xenu," in fact every time you come in here, I will shout out "nice to see you again, Lord Xenu!"

And also, too, if you're going to try to convert people to your religion, it's probably best not to act like a smug, smirking, self-impressed asshole. Just sayin'

2014: The Year in Television

If you know me at all, and you certainly do not, you know I'm a big fan of mankind's greatest invention: television.



No, the other television.

 

There you go!

So without further ado, the Daily Irritant is proud to present The Year in Television!

Newcomer of the Year, Comedy:

Broad City

Ilana and Abby get funnier every week. And Hannibal Burress just keeps killing it.




Runner up: Review with Forrest MacNeil starring Andy Daly who should really have been a star for some time now.






Best Newcomer, Drama:

Tyrant




For some reason, this show doesn't seem to be making anyone elses's top-10 lists, but I really love this show.
Mainly because of this guy:

Ashraf Barhom is just amazing as Jamal, the man who wishes he could be a good person but just can't somehow, which is also a really fascinating character. He makes this show which is good, but not great, mainly because of the producers' decision to focus so much on his brother Bassam/Barry who is much less interesting character. I assume they see him as the Walter White of the show, the guy who starts out with good intentions and becomes corrupted, but Jamal is reaaly where the show's focus needs to be.

Performance of the Year Female: 
Tatiana Masley, Orphan Black 



She plays five totally distinct major characters as well as  the occasional supporting character, at least one of whom is male. She completely disappears  into each character, I have no idea which character she would even resemble in real life. And a lot of scenes involve two or more of her characters talking to each other. Just amazing.

Performance of the Year, Male:
Ashraf Barhom, Tyrant



See above.


Biggest Disappointment:
How to get Away With Murder


I love Scandal.
Love it, love it, love it love it!
So when I heard that Shonda Rhimes had a new show coming out, and it was called "how to get away with murder," I could not wait!


Then I watched it.
Sighhhhh. . .

It's just bad. Just really badly written, badly drawn characters, bad trying-too-hard direction, just bad. A quick IMDb search reveals that Shonda Rhimes did none of the writing on this show. That explains a lot. Because it's just bad.


Best British Series
Call the Midwife
 
No, it's not Downton Abbey this year. It's Call the Midwife. This is a show that by all rights should be insufferably saccharine and corny as hell, but somehow is just the opposite. The tale of young nurses and older nuns providing midwifery services to the residents of an impoverished London neighborhood in the 1950s manages to pull off the impossible. It's a drama with no villain. And it works. Somehow a show whose every character you're likely to fall in love with manages to create tension and suspense. My wife says that poverty and illness are the villains and, as usual, she's right on. Anyway, if you haven't seen this show, you're really missing out.


Most Infuriating Development:
Super Fun Night gets cancelled after one season.
 

Rebel Wilson was one of the best surprises in years, a fresh face with a new style who is consistently funny but also able to bring the heart when needed.

Her two sidekicks were also really good. Screw you, ABC! No wonder no one watches network TV anymore!





Best Reason to sign up for Netflix:
Happy Valley



Great British cop show not available on any channel. Sarah Lancashire is one bad-ass cop. There are only 6 episodes in this mini-series so you can binge watch the entire thing in one rainy afternoon.

Other Shows We've Enjoyed This Year:
The Americans



Maron




Rectify




Fargo



Mainly due to the performances of Billy Bob Thornton and Allison Tolman. Oh, and Colin Hanks. And Martin Freeman. And pretty much the entire cast, although how Keith Carradine keeps getting acting jobs is beyond me.

The Good Wife



Which somehow managed to get even better after killing off love interest/boss Will Gardner which I thought was going to ruin the show. Adding Michael J. Fox certainly helped.

The Returned (Les Revenants)



Technically, this French import is a 2012 show, but we stumbled onto it on Netflix this year and were hooked from episode 1. They're smart enough to keep the mystery going throughout the entire run without (spoiler alert) ever explaining exactly what the hell is going on. That may make the ending a bit unsatisfactory for some, but any explanation they could have come up with would probably have felt even less satisfying, so I think it was a smart move.

Downton Abbey




And I'm sure I'm forgetting a few. If I remember anything else, I'll do a part two tomorrow. But for now I've got to go. I've been away from the TV for too long.

The Weirdest Headline I Have Ever Seen

Wife of freed Cuba agent pregnant, thanks to US

But no, the story is even weirder.

Officials have confirmed that a US senator helped a Cuban spy imprisoned in California to impregnate his wife

 

What? Why is a US Senator helping a Cuban spy with anything? And why is a US Senator helping anyone impregnate anyone? And how is a Us Senator. . . you know what, never mind. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

The highly improbable arrangements allowed for Adriana Perez Hernandez to be artificially inseminated months before husband Gerardo Hernandez returned to Cuba to a hero's welcome last Wednesday.
The parents-to-be owe much of their good fortune to Senator Patrick Leahy, who has made several trips to the communist-ruled island over the years.

Apparently, at least one trip with a vial of Cuban spy baby-making stuff!

 

Hernandez was arrested in the United States in 1998 and convicted in 2001 on charges of espionage and conspiracy to murder. He and five other Cubans were sentenced to two life sentences plus 15 years.

But hey, that's no reason a United States Senator shouldn't be jerking you off into a test tube so you can reproduce!