Stupid shithead of the day

I have to imagine that when the Founding Fathers established the House of Representatives, they pictured people in small towns across the 13 states getting together and deciding whom they should send to represent them in the Congress.

"I say we send Doc Johnson, he's an educated man!"
"Well if we're sending someone to make laws, we should send Bill Jones. He's a lawyer."
"I'd like to nominate Parson Brown. He's the most honest man in town!"

"well what about Miss Jackson, the schoolmarm?"

"Miss Jackson? Why she's a woman! Probably has boobies and everything. The schoolmarm! Well now I've heard everything!"

And so on.

But somehow we've gotten to the point where in many, if not most, of our congressional districts, the goal seems to be to find the stupidest nastiest shithead in the area to represent the good folks back home.

Case in point: Michigan's Justin Amash,






who had this astute observation re: scientists and Covid-19:

A scientist may know a virus’s characteristics, but he doesn’t know a community’s characteristics: how they feel, eat, shop, work, and operate businesses. These items constitute the most useful kind of knowledge—available only locally, and crucial to limiting the virus’s spread.

— Justin Amash (@justinamash) May 13, 2020

Wait, what?

You think that it would be helpful for virologists or epidemiologists to have some knowledge of how a community feels?

What about that conservative motto:

I mean, is the communicability or the lethality of a virus affected by how people feel? How they eat, shop, work, etc?
Because I'm pretty sure that however you normally work, shop, conduct your business, the prescription for our current situation is the same. Stay the fuck at home, wear a god damn mask, stay at least 6 feet away from other people. It doesn't matter what your shopping habits were like last year. Things are different now.

Epidemiologists cannot know the specific actions of each individual in a community. This kind of knowledge is not knowable to any scientist. The top mistake being made by state governments is their imposing uniform rules that limit the use of local knowledge to fight the virus.

— Justin Amash (@justinamash) May 13, 2020

Yes, because the way to fight a virus differs from one locality to another. Maybe in Detroit, the way to fight it is to stay home, shut non-essential businesses, wear masks and practice social distancing, but in, say, Lansing, the best way might be to STAY THE FUCK HOME, SHUT NON-ESSENTIAL FUCKING BUSINESSES, WEAR YOUR GODDAMM MASKS AND PRACTICE SOCIAL DISTANCING YOU STUPID FUCKING SHITHEAD!!!

As an example, a business owner will know how to manage traffic in her specific grocery store much better than a governor advised by a scientist. Lansing can’t account for particular circumstances. A blanket rule may cause a huge line out the door that helps spread the virus.

— Justin Amash (@justinamash) May 13, 2020

Oh my God, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!
Why in the Hell would you think that a grocery store owner would have a better understanding of how many people can be safely admitted into a building at once, or how far apart those people need to be spaced? And a line out the door is what you're worried about? And you think that the solution would be to take those people who are standing in line outside, potentially spreading the virus, and herd them all INSIDE THE STORE? This makes sense to you?

Have you even seen what businesses are doing with lines of customers? They're having them stand six feet apart until enough people leave the store that more can be allowed in. This isn't something that should be handled differently based on your particular locale. There is just no logic to the idea that a grocery store owner would have a better idea about virus containment than the governor who is advised by the CDC, the NIH, the WHO, the top scientists at Univerity of Michigan, Michigan State, whatever other university she wants to call up and ask for advice.

They don’t have the knowledge and neither do I. That’s the point. The most useful and important kind of knowledge—that of the particular circumstances of time and place—is dispersed.

— Justin Amash (@justinamash) May 13, 2020

Oh, yeah. The most important and useful knowledge is that possessed by reg'lar Joes in their small-town neighborhoods. These fancy eggheads who have spent their entire adult lives studying the factors that are in play in this exact scenario don't know nothin'! Not compared to ol' Frank down at the Stuckey's. Why ol' Frank has lived in this here town purt near longer'n anyone can remember. He dropped out of high school after his sophomore year, but he has the kind of local knowledge you just cain't git from books or colleges or laboratories and such!


This is what we've come to. This is the kind of person who we put into positions of responsibility. There's no coming back. America is doomed.

The Felice Brothers

How on Earth did it take until the Year of Our Lord 2020 for the Felice Brothers to be brought to my attention?

This is my new favorite band!

So this is how it ends.

Years from now, when history teachers are telling their students about the decline and fall of the USA, their students aren't going to believe it.

They're going to have to tell them "You see, the US, like most countries, had a certain segment of the population that were stupid assholes. Now most countries just figure out a way to work around the stupid assholes, but in America they had a really screwed up system that allowed a few smart assholes to end up with all the money. And these smart assholes bought radio stations and TV networks and started think tanks and foundations all to convince the stupid assholes that they were actually the smart people ans that they were the most important and that the actual smart people were all out to get them because they were just evil or whatever, and then they convinced the rest of the country to pretend to take the stupid assholes seriously and to accomodate them in their delusions and basically let the stupidest assholes in the country be in control of every aspect of their society.

And they gave all the stupid assholes guns. Not like hunting rifles or six-shooters, like military-grade assault weaponry. And told them they should be allowed to take those weapons with them wherever they went.

Directly above me, men with rifles yelling at us. Some of my colleagues who own bullet proof vests are wearing them. I have never appreciated our Sergeants-at-Arms more than today. #mileg pic.twitter.com/voOZpPYWOs

— Senator Dayna Polehanki (@SenPolehanki) April 30, 2020

 And that any time anything didn't go exactly the way they wanted it to, all they had to do was show up with those guns, and the rules would be changed to accommodate them."

A City Walked Back Its Face Mask Rule After Store And Restaurant Employees Received Threats

"We now have to weigh the safety of store owners and employees to threats of violence," said the city manager of Stillwater, Oklahoma.

"But wait," the students will say. "Wasn't the facemask rule there to protect people from a deadly disease?"

"Well, yes," the teachers will say. "But the stupid assholes were convinced that having to wear a mask to go shopping was an intolerable infringement on some undefined 'rights' that were more important than people dying from a virus."





"which was not a huge leap for these assholes, since they had already declared that their right to bring a machine gun into Chipotle superseded the right of children to not be murdered in large numbers."

Joe the Plumber: ‘Your dead kids don’t trump my constitutional rights’

05/27/14 02:09 PM—UPDATED 05/28/14 07:56 AM

"anyway, it wasn't long before not taking common sense precautions during a deadly pandemic not only became a way for stupid assholes to demonstrate their courage strength and grit or whatever, it became something that they felt they needed to force on to other people."

Reopened restaurant tells workers: Don't wear face masks — or don't work

CBSNews

CBS NewsMay 6, 2020, 3:49 PM EDT

And at this point, the political party that controlled most of the country had just gotten fully on board with the idea that human lives were worth sacrificing in order to keep the money flowing.

Texas lt. governor on reopening state: 'There are more important things than living'

BY JUSTINE COLEMAN - 04/21/20 12:04 PM EDT

Chris Christie Says People ‘Are Going To Have To’ Accept More Deaths To Reopen Economy

Josephine Harvey

HuffPostMay 5, 2020

"Wait. So all this needless illness and death and misery was just so the stupidest assholes could project some kind of tough-guy image? Like they knew they were going to get people killed, maybe even themselves, but that was an acceptable price to pay to be able to look like big strong heroes?"

"Oh yeah. Toxic masculinity was huuuuge in the stupid asshole community. Just take a look at these sample tweets to get an idea of what patheitc, insecure, frightened little babies these men were."

WHY CAN'T A MAN LEAN IN?

When a man leans into his girl, he reveals that he feels needy & lower value. He reveals that he has a weak mindset, and that he feels dependent on her

This is exactly what turns her off. She is looking for strength and confidence in a man, not weakness pic.twitter.com/8puZlfWnkc

— Rivelino (@alpharivelino) May 4, 2020

"Yes, this was serious. There was an entire subculture dedicated to shaming men who didn't act appropriately brutish and shaming women for, well, for existing. So all it took was for their president, a man elevated to this position for being not only the stupidest, but the biggest asshole they could find, to dispairage the idea of wearing protective gear for the common sense precautions to become completely taboo for these wanna-be tough guys."

"So they all took their cues from this president? I assume he must have been the epitome of masculine strength ans fortitude. What was he, a former Green Beret? Am intrepid explorer? Champion prizefighter?"

"You'd think so, wouldn't you? Actually, he was a pampered millionaire draft-dodger with a string of bankruptcies and failed marriages who spent most of his time complaining about how someone had been 'unfair' to him. Oh, and he looked like this:"

"And so this is why the US collapsed?"

"well, honestly it wouldn't have mattered, because the stupid assholes had already ensured that nothing would ever be done about global warming, which is why we now have to do everything underwater,

Bad Ads -- Domino's Pizza

This is some condescending bullshit.

Look, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying"because of the Corona Virus Crisis, we're doing a lot more deliveries so we need to hire some drivers. I f you're looking for a job, we're hiring."  That's perfectly fine. No one would bew offended by that. There's no need to sugarcoat that. But don't sit there and look me in the eye with a straight face and pretend that you're performing some kind of a public service. "we're committed to helping YOU put food on YOUR table." No you're not. No you're fucking not. Don't pretend you give a shit about us. Do not - do NOT - dare to act like you're doing people some kind of a favor by hiring them to deliver your "pizza." Like we don't know that having pizzas delivered is the lifeblood of your business? Like we don't know that this is your business model 12 months a year?
You're actually going to sit there and pretend that you're not in the "pizza" business to make money - oh, no, perish the thought! We're just civic-minded people who are committed to putting food on people's tables during this time of crisis! We only want to help!
Jesus Christ, how stupid do you think we are?
Just say you're hiring drivers because you need drivers. We're all fine with that. No one is going to get their nose out of joint because you're making a rational business decision. Because for once, the rational business decision isn't hurting anyone. It might actually even help some folks. But we know damn well that folks getting helped is just a byproduct of your hiring needs. We know why you're hiring drivers and we're fine with that. You don't need to lie to our faces.

P.S. your pizza sucks.

Trump Coins

So apparently, the White House Gift Shop is now selling Covid-19 commemorative coins.

I am not.
This is a real thing on their website.

And here is the super-professional totally coherent header:

COVID-19 , WORLD VS THE UNSEEN ENEMY, EVERYDAY HEROES, PRESIDENT DONALD J, TRUMP, VICE PRESIDENT MICHAEL R. PENCE, SECRETARY S. MNUUCHIN, DRS. JEROME ADAMS DEBORAH BIRX ANTHONY FAUCI PRE-ORDER, HISTORIC MOMENTS IN HISTORY SERIES, ALL PROFITS DONATED!

All profits donated!

Donated to whom?

Shut up, that's to whom!

The Eric and Don Jr Future Legal Fees Fund is so a legitimate charity!


Here's the design:

123

I gotta say, the empty podium is a bit on-the-nose!


But apparently, the Covid-19 pandemic is something that has already been relegated to the pages of history as something upon which we can look back and proudly remember the heroes aho defeated the "invisible enemy." Namely Trump, Pence, Mnuchin. . . wait, what? Oh, right, of course, those were the guys on the front lines of this battle! They were the brave gallant men storming the metaphorical beaches of the Proverbial Normandy of public health.

123

Yes, together WE fought the unseen enemy by first denying the problem, then pretending that the problem had been solved, then blaming China, then drinking Clorox. Douglas MacArthur himself couldn't have devised a more effective strategy!

I don't know how long the White House Gift Shop has been in the commemorative coin business, they seem to only have two Presidential coins, one for Obama and one for Trump. Well, more than one for Trump. Besides the sort of official "Yes, this guy was President" medallion, there are a few others. Like this one:

Now sure, it may at first glance appear to be gaudy and chintzy and tacky as all fuck, but think how inspiring it could be when you read the official White House Gift Shop description:

#7 COIN, BE BOLD, FACE FEAR, THINK BIG, DONALD TRUMP, LIMITED EDITION - 1000 COINS, NUMBERED, CERTIFICATE, VELVET CASE, HISTORIC MOMENTS IN GLOBAL HISTORY COLLECTION, SYMBOLIZES THE GENIUS LEVEL THINKING & PROVEN SUCCESSES OF PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP

Yeah, that's right. Genius!





Oh, and that's just the front of the coin.
Check out the flip side:




Yeah, that's right. An "historic win!" I mean, it's true. No other candidate has ever won the presidency with a 3 million vote deficit.
And you know what else? Generation of Peace, that's what! I bet you feel pretty foolish now! Now that you know there will be Peace in the Valley for the next few decades, all thanks to something that Trump did or said or. . . something. No more war! Hurrah!


And to be honest, he's being modest. This was the original description that was posted on the site before the coin was available:








That's right: Genius makes its own rules! Previous Presidents may have felt constrained by the Constitution or the various laws of our nation, even our system of checks and balances. That's why none of them were geniuses!

And that's not the only coin commemorating the "Historic Moments in Global History" of the Trump administration. There's this little memento:








Because I guess we're still pretending that looking at a list from the Heritage Foundation and pointing at a name and saying "Uh, him I guess" is some sort of an historic accomplishment.


And if you think that's impressive, you should see the "Not the Vietnam" coin.

#3 COIN IN HISTORIC MOMENTS COLLECTION, NOT THE VIETNAM COIN, AS SEEN IN NEWS WORLDWIDE, THE GATHERING OF LEADERS

Okay, I'm sure that's supposed to be "LED by a fearless American President." Or who knows, maybe it's referring to the heavy metal which Trump no doubt consumed in copious quantities as a child?
Who knows? But either way, this is a celebration of the day that President Trump legitimized a murderous Communist dictator on the world stage, which is more than you've ever done.probably.

"Generational Peace." Ah, finally. After all this time it is so wonderful to be at peace with a country that we were not at war with and which posed no threat to us at all. I know I sleep better at night knowing that Trump's enemy/best friend/enemy again/probably friend has agreed to terms of peace.


And of course, no Trump genius coin collection would be complete without this mintage:








Celebrating the creation of the newest branch of the military which is totally a real thing that is going to totally exist and isn't just a colossal racket to funnel more money into well-placed aerospace company coffers!






You can tell its serious because there's a Star Trek logo in the center!