People Who Will Never be President, Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Louisiana Governor Piyush "Bobby" "Bubba" Jindal.



One would have thought that after the State of the Union fiasco Jindal would no longer be considered even a dark-horse candidate, but there does seem to be at least the possibility of presidential run in his future, even if it is just a Gingrich/Cain book deal kind of run. Which for his sake, I hope it is because there is no way in Hell that Bobby Jindal will ever be President.

First of all, no matter what they may say to pollsters, the Republican base is not about to hand the keys to the White House to a guy whose family tree doesn't have it roots in Western Europe.

You can whitewash the portrait all you want, "Bubba."

Secondly, can you imagine this feeble little milquetoast in a debate against the Republican flamethrowers? Chris Christie's walking out of there with Jindal's lunch money.

And then there's the way he runs an economy:

Louisiana governor: Sell tobacco settlement for upfront cash

Wow. It's the J.G. Wentworth approach to macroeconomics. What's plan B, a payday loan? Auto pawn?
Maybe just buy some time until the check comes in from that Nigerian prince?
Gawd!  What are you, running the state out of a trailer park?

BATON ROUGE, La. (AP) — Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal's administration moved ahead Tuesday with a plan to sell the state's remaining share of a massive tobacco settlement, despite criticism the move would waste a valuable asset for a quick fix to budget problems.

A board that oversees the settlement agreed to the idea, though several more approvals would be needed before any sale. Treasurer John Kennedy objected, saying Jindal's plan is driven by desperation to find money for a budget awash in red ink.

 

Red ink, huh? You know, there's a thing that you can do to get money, um. . . what's it called? It rhymes with "snacks." Um, oh yeah, tax! You could maybe have some sort of a tax, then you'd have monies to pay for things. 

 As the Republican governor has stuck to a pledge against raising taxes, Jindal and lawmakers have refused to match the state's spending to its yearly revenue. They have plugged budget holes with short-term financing like money from property sales, legal settlements and trust funds, creating continued shortfalls year after year.

Ah, the party of fiscal responsibility! All you have to do is sell off like a billion dollars worth of property each year, and then, um. . . 

  

Step Three: Profit!

 Well, you know Republicans are always saying they'd run the country like a business, and Jindal is running his state like a CEO who knows he won't be around in a year when it all hits the fan.

Kennedy, also a Republican, called the tobacco settlement plan more of the same maneuvering, as the state faces a $1.6 billion budget gap next year.

 Commissioner of Administration Kristy Nichols said the Jindal proposal doesn't involve a one-year cash infusion, but $750 million that could be spent over eight years

 Oh! Well, why didn't you say so? The $750 million isn't just getting thrown at the billion-dollar shortfall, that would be silly! It's spread out over 8 years, so it's only about 100 million to offset the on and a half billion. . . wait, how is that better?

 Louisiana is one of many states that settled lawsuits for claims of smokers' deaths and health costs against tobacco companies in 1998 in return for installments of money each year. The annual payments extend as long as the companies involved in the settlement are viable.

So, you would be getting money from this settlement for infinity years? That's what you're selling off? An infinity-year annual payment?  Who would sell that? I mean, unless you're getting magic beans in return - wait, are you getting magic beans?

 No, wait. Wrong fairy tale. You're killing the golden goose.

The state sold 60 percent of its settlement to investors for $1.2 billion in 2001, rather than risk tobacco companies going belly-up later and not making their settlement payments.

  

Really? You're the second Louisiana governor to think this was a good idea?

 The Jindal administration proposal to sell the remaining 40 percent would be structured differently. It would spend all the dollars that are received over seven to eight years — eliminating the yearly $55 million revenue stream after that, until the bond debt is paid.

Oy.

Thank God Bobby Jindal will never be President!

Bobby Jindal is horrible. Really, just completely horrible.

I saw a Bobby Jindal bumper sticker today. Bobby Jindal! And the car had Georgia plates, so I can only assume that this driver is envious of Louisiana and wishes we had a dead-eyed dimwitted dullard in our state house instead of whatever it is we do have.

 Probably.

Anyway, so I wondered what Bobby Jindal was up to now. More exorcisms? More disastrous public speaking? Not quite.

(via The Hill)

Jindal wants more help from Obama with storm

By Jonathan Easley - 08/28/12 09:54 AM ET 

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal (R) on Monday sent a letter to President Obama saying the federal government was not doing enough to help Louisiana cover the expenses it’s taking on in preparation for Tropical Storm Isaac.
“Unfortunately, your limited declaration does not provide for reimbursement of expenses that the state is taking to prepare for the storm,” Jindal said in his letter.

 Wow! That is just a stunning level of hypocrisy, especially considering that Jindal is best known for mocking the Federal government's spending on volcano monitoring. I guess that if you live in a stste that is threatened by hurricanes, Big Brother should step in and help you, but if the threat in your state is a volcano, then suck it up, ya wuss, try being self-reliant for once!

President Obama on Monday declared a state of emergency for Louisiana, which is expected to be in the path of Tropical Storm Isaac.  


The action by Obama makes federal funding to the state available immediately, but Jindal said it “only provides for direct federal assistance” and doesn’t “provide for reimbursement of expenses that the state is taking to prepare for the storm.”

Also, Waaaah!!! Waaaahhhh!!!

Oh, no! The big bad federal government is not spending enough money for this bitchy little teabagger? Funny how all of a sudden, maybe government spending isn't so bad after all?

Also, you're supposed to spend money preparing for storms. Why would you complain about not being reimbursed for money that your state is spending to protect the residents of your state? Why would someone else pay for that? That's why you're supposed to collect taxes, genius.

Jindal said Monday that he would not attend the Republican National Convention this week. He had been expected to speak on Tuesday night in the middle of a program dominated by popular Republican governors, leading up to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie's keynote address.


Let me guess what the subject of Jindal's speech was going to be.  Um, "Federal government bad, me no like?" or  "Government spend too much, me cut size of government?" or " Federal government stay out of states' business?" Or maybe "Ugh, Oop, Fire Bad!"

Kind of hard to play the austere fiscal deficit hawk while demanding more federal money at the same time.

 Also, Jindal's been a little busy lately handing taxpayer money to private voucher schools that teach things like the Loch Ness Monster disproves evolution and the Klan wasn't really all that bad. (seriously!)

Mother Jones has a list of 14 wacky "facts" these schools are teaching, using textbooks from Bob Jones University Press and other right-wing bullshit publishers. A couple of examples:

Slave masters were nice guys: "A few slave holders were undeniably cruel. Examples of slaves beaten to death were not common, neither were they unknown. The majority of slave holders treated their slaves well."—United States History for Christian Schools, 2nd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 1991

GIFSoup

As if that were even possible. You by definition can not be treating well someone you are enslaving. 

The KKK was A-OK: "[The Ku Klux] Klan in some areas of the country tried to be a means of reform, fighting the decline in morality and using the symbol of the cross. Klan targets were bootleggers, wife-beaters, and immoral movies. In some communities it achieved a certain respectability as it worked with politicians."—United States History for Christian Schools, 3rd ed., Bob Jones University Press, 2001

GIFSoup

In some communities it achieved a certain respectability because those communities were made up of racist assholes.

The Great Depression wasn't as bad as the liberals made it sound: "Perhaps the best known work of propaganda to come from the Depression was John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath…Other forms of propaganda included rumors of mortgage foreclosures, mass evictions, and hunger riots and exaggerated statistics representing the number of unemployed and homeless people in America."—United States History: Heritage of Freedom, 2nd ed., A Beka Book, 1996

 Rumors of things that were actually happening all the time all over the place? How propagandistic! (is that a word? Probably not)

This one's a Beka Book. I hadn't ever heard of Beka Books, so I looked them up.

For one thing, it's not "a Beka Book." It's an "A Beka Book," for whatever that's worth.

Anyway, here's their mission statement:

A Beka Book provides Christian schools and homeschools with outstanding curriculum and textbooks built on a foundation of academic excellence and Christian character training. Schools and homeschools benefit from our treasury of textbooks and teaching materials that reflect the very best in traditional education, comprehensive curriculum, and eternal truths.

Like the eternal truth that great depressions aren't really all that bad.


 Here's their take on Mathematics:

The text presents a Scriptural view of working, tithing, saving, paying taxes, and budgeting time and money and gives a positive introduction to the American free-enterprise system. 

Because what better source of mathematics than the Bible, a book which never mentions anything about math!
Here's a blurb about one of their history texts:

Land I Love presents the history of America from the 1490s to the present with special emphasis on the personalities and events that shaped the American character. A variety of illustrations, maps, and photographs invite students to explore the past as they read this fascinating narrative account of U.S. history. Through the story of America’s rise to greatness, students will learn to recognize the hand of God in history and to appreciate the influence of Christianity in government, economics, and society.

So, will students learn to see the hand of God in our overthrow of Allende and installation of the man for whom the phrase "death squad" was coined? Or maybe they'll see the hand of God in the Trail of Tears, or the slave trade. Or maybe the hand of God will be evident in the section about the bombing of Cambodia, or the Contra war. It all seems so very godly.


Anyway, you can pretty much expect to see this sort of thing coming soon to a school near you, because if you don't think that the Louisiana model isn't going to be used as a template by the Moral Majority types who have been taking over local school boards for the last 30 years, you are more of an optimist than I.

 

Just Horrible.

So Many Questions.

I don't know who these folks are who are acting out this section of Bobby Jindals' memoir, but that's really the least of my questions.




I guess my first question would be: someone in your little group has a seizure and NO ONE calls an ambulance? The head weirdo says "c'mon everyone, lay hands on her" and nobody says "sure, as soon as I'm done dialing 911."
Question # 2: What's with the fat guy scat-singing during prayer time? I'm sure he would claim to be "speaking in tongues" but I'm pretty sure he's just imitating what he thinks Hebrew sounds like. And while we're on the subject, in the New Testament, when the disciples start "speaking in tongues," everyone in the area heard them in their own language.

Acts 2: 6 -- the multitude came together, and were confounded, because that every man heard them speak in his own language.
⁷ And they were all amazed and marvelled, saying one to another, Behold, are not all these which speak Galilaeans?
⁸ And how hear we every man in our own tongue, wherein we were born?

So how is it that whenever these nuts supposedly "speak in tongues," it's just gibberish that no one understands?

 

Hommina Hommina Hommina!

 If you want to speak gobbeldygook and say that it's some sort of sign of how godly you are or whatever, that's certainly your right, but it seems pretty stupid to call it "speaking in tongues."

  

Question # 3: Shouldn't the Devil be more adept at bad language? At some point the possessed girl says something like "you buzzkills are boring me to death!" Also I believe she says "eat my farts!"  I'm pretty sure the devil would be capable of more scathing language than that.

 

Ask her, she can give you a few tips. You mother-fucking cunts!

Question # 4: Do they really think that flatulence signals the presence of the devil? "Oh, my God, her gas smells like sulfur!" Um, so does everyone else's. 

One year when I was a kid, there was one Easter egg that my dad hid so well that no one found it for weeks. If these people had been there, they would have thought the entire backyard was possessed.

Question # 5: A "Rival Christian Group?" How are there rival Christian groups on this campus? "Let's all pray together now." "Hey can we pray with you?" "Fuck you, heretics! Your position on tras-substanciation is totally bullshit!"

 

Fuck you, we're the People's Front of Judea!

Question # 6: So, if I'm getting this correctly, the lesson here is that if you have cancer, your best bet is to get yourself possessed by the Devil, because after the possession, the doctors found zero cancer cells? No need to waste your money on expensive medicines and surgery, just go Linda Blair and boom! Cancer gone!

Or is the lesson that Bobby Jindal is a nut? Yeah, maybe that's the real lesson.