A Theology Lesson From Pat Robertson

VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) - Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today's broadcast of his 700 Club program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast "to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay."

 

Explaining his theory, Rev. Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two."
Additionally, he argued, God shut down major airports in the New York area "so that people who were hoping to fly to do something of a gay nature would have to take a train or a bus, so it might be days before the gay thing they were going to do could occur."

So I believe the lessons we should learn here are:

1) God doesn't want you doing gay stuff in the winter. Wait until Spring to be abominations unto the Lord

2) God has a surprisingly weak grasp of American geography, sending a blizzard that completely bypassed the Castro, West Hollywood and Boys' Town.

 

3) When God wants to stop gay people from doing gay stuff, he has no way of targeting just them, he also has to prevent teachers from doing teacher stuff and doctors from doing doctor stuff, even preachers from doing preacher stuff.

 

(Boys' Town. See what I did there?)

4) God can't stop the gay, he can only hope to delay it for a couple of days.

5) This story is probably a parody, because if Pat Robertson had really said domething like this, he would probably have added something like "God can't smite all these bad people by himself, he wants you to send me whatever money you still have left to finance a gay-smiting mission."

6) The fact that people see this story and think it's probably true says a lot about what a horrible person Pat Robertson is.

Pat Robertson is a Crazy, Lying Scumbag

There is no depth to which Pat Robertson will not sink.




This is so wrong on so many levels.

First, There's the automatic Televangelist response to any natural disaster: figure out some reason why the victims had it coming. Usually, step one is blame the homos, but I guess Haiti isn't really known for being super gay-friendly, so let's make up some ridiculous story about a pact with Satan?

And why a pact with Satan? I guess because a bunch of black African types couldn't possibly have overthrown the French on their own, right? There has to be some sort of supernatural assist. And since it's black people overthrowing whitey, that help must have come from Satan, couldn't be God. Normally, when one group defeats another, people assume, "well, they had God on their side." or "it was God's will that the American colonists overthrew the British" or whatever. But Haitians? Nope, had to be the Devil!

And then there's the blatant lie about the island of Hispanola. The Dominican Republic is prosperous?

Here's what I know about the Dominican republic. Omar Vizquel learned to play shortstop with a piece of cardboard on his hand because he couldn't afford a baseball glove.
CEDIMAT Hospital in the Dominican Republic is able to keep its doors open because of money donated and raised by David Ortiz.
And here is what an American Little League player found upon visiting the Dominican:

What Kalikow encountered shocked him. The 12 and 13-year old boys he found playing baseball were running homemade bases without shoes, swinging tree branches for bats and catching rocks inside milk cartons fitted like gloves. The impoverished suburbs of Punta Cana left many children without shirts to wear, much less sporting equipment with which to play.

(source)

But Robertson knows that none of his idiotic viewers are going to do any fact checking. If he says it, they'll accept it as Gospel truth. Just like when he tells his "deal with the devil" story, he just smiles and says "true story!" knowing that that's all the proof his followers will require.

And the whole time he's spreading this malicious bullshit, there's an ad on screen for "OB Disaster Relief" which is Pat's charitable scam. (O.B. stands for Operation Blessing) Anyone want to wager on how much of the money the suckers pour into OB Disaster Relief will actually make it to Haiti?

To donate to a legitimate relief effort, try OxFam: http://www.oxfam.org.uk

or Food For the Hungry:
http://www.fh.org/learn/news/disaster/haiti-rocked-by-powerful-quake?promocode=WA25WD0A2

Or The American Red Cross:
http://american.redcross.org/site/PageServer?pagename=ntld_main&s_subsrc=RCO_ResponseStateSection


And Pat Robertson? Hurry up and die already, would ya?

The Crazy Broadcating Network

Have you ever actually seen the stuff they talk about over on Pat Robertson's CBN website?

'Cuz it's pretty nutty!

Here's what they have to say about Halloween:

"During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."

"Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference."

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/29/christian-broadcasting-ne_n_338738.html?slidenumber=E3vUTUZEpmA%3D#slide_image

Oh, yeah. They're serious! Deadly Serious!

They don't mean demons in your candy the way that prohibitionists spoke of "demon rum." They mean DEMONS!!!!Okay, what else you got on Halloween?

It is generally agreed by historians that Halloween came to take the place of a special day celebrated by the ancient Druids.

The Celtic peoples lived in northern France, throughout the United Kingdom, and in Ireland. They engaged in occult arts, worshiped nature, and gave nature supernatural, animistic qualities.

Okay, looks like maybe you folks can be normal after all. Go on, you were saying about the Druids?

Interestingly, it has been claimed that 90 percent of the world’s sometimes mysterious “crop circles” lie within the geographical proximity of the ancient and possibly Druidic ruins of Stonehenge. At least some of these phenomena may be considered supernatural.

I'm sorry, what?

Crop circles? go on, pull the other one!

Here's another scaaaarrrryyyy story to put you in the Halloween Mood.

After watching a horror movie at the age of 12, Tara and her brother talked their mom into buying a Ouija board. What started out as innocent fascination turned Tara’s life into a nightmare filled with paranormal activity and oppression. An evil presence made itself known almost immediately.
“I could tell it was spelling something, but it was going so fast I couldn’t tell what it saying but I saw my name. It was saying, ‘I’m gonna kill you, Tara. I’m gonna kill you, Tara’ over and over.

She stopped playing with the Ouija board, but Tara’s life was dominated by loneliness and fear.

“I felt so alone. I felt like I didn’t have anybody. It’s almost like I was under this dark could of oppression. I opened that door to evil into my life. It brought in destruction. It brought in a dark oppression in my life. It seemed like everything from that point forward was spiraling downward.”

Strange things occurred around her, objects moved through her room at night, loud noises would echo through the house when no one else was home.

“I heard stomping up and down the hall, and I thought my dad’s home and he is not too happy. I ended up looking out into the hall and there was nobody there.”

Tara eventually got married and moved out of the house, but the darkness went with her.

“I would hear this loud evil chanting. I didn’t understand the language. It didn’t really sound like a human voice. It didn’t sound like a human voice could talk in that tone and be that loud. It felt like it was right there. You could definitely tell that it wasn’t outside. It was inside the house.”

Tara’s marriage eventually fell apart. One night as she slept she had a vivid dream that she was violently murdered.

Then I woke up. I opened up my eyes, and it just hit me that one day I’m going to die.

And now. . . . The Punchline:

Tara is now a prayer counselor with The 700 Club.

Here's another Halloween-themed article:

Halloween

Suffer Not the Trick-or-Treaters

Did you ever wonder why Halloween seems to primarily feed off
of a market of 3-13 year olds?

No. No one has ever wondered that. Just like no one has ever wondered why the World series appeals primarily to baseball fans. But go on.

Did you ever wonder why Halloween seems to primarily feed off of a market of 3-13 year olds? This is a Satanic ploy for our children.

Huh?

Seventeen-year-old Luke Woodham killed two students and wounded seven others in his Mississippi school after he became involved in Satanism, which he said bestowed "power over many things."
This is the state of some of the American children who are showing up at your doorstep on October 31st. I'm not saying that each of them are secret agents of the occult, yet it is important to consider the souls of the children behind the masks.

Are you sure? Are you sure that they're not all secret devil agents? How can we be so sure? Shouldn't we just run and hide from the little children just to be on the safe side?

Sadly, the demonic hauntings I experienced growing up are common among many young children today. I would venture to say that 20 years later, it has gotten much worse. The lures of the Enemy are running more rampant. Children do not have to sneak over to their friends' houses to access demonic influences.

So we should be afraid of every child we ever see anywhere, then. Right?
Gosh, I wonder what could be making the children so darn evil?

Occultic-oriented rock performers have flourished in this generation.

I think maybe you're thinking of the 1970's?














Not that any of these guys were actually occultists either, any more than Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi were really monsters, but anyway. . .




Okay, one more spoooooky article, then it's lights out, kids!

OCCULT

Do Vampires and Ghosts Really Exist?

By Steve Russo

Ooh, ooh! call on me! I know the answer! It's NO!

Isn't it?

Are vampires real?

According to the Ancient Society of Vampire Hunters, there’s a difference between true vampires and human ones. True vampires are supernatural undead creatures with specific identifying characteristics. These characteristics are lacking in the human vampires, who sometimes call themselves ‘‘real vampires,’’ but are in reality simply misguided humans.

Oh, Come On!

Do ghosts exist?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say no?

But what are ghosts? Are they spirits of people who have died?

Um, No?

So do ghosts really exist? If they aren’t angels or spirits of dead people, the only other reasonable possibility is that ghosts are probably demons.

What? No. No, that is not the . . . no. No! How is that your "reasonable possibility?" Reasonable possibilities are things like "that noise is just the house settling" or "the flickering firelight makes the shadows look like they're moving." or "you had a bad dream."

Demons?

The way I understand it, aren't demons sentenced to an eternity in Hell? How are they getting time off to come up to Earth and haunt people or make their ouija boards issue death threats? Who's in charge down there, Micheal Dukakis?

(if you're under 40, google Micheal Dukakis + Willie Horton)

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