Bizarre videos

Presented without comment: enjoy the madness!




Okay, one comment. I'll have what she's having!

Hopefully the Last Time I will Ever Mention Sarah Palin

Would someone please explain to Ms Palin that "President of the United States of America" is more than just a title!

Palin Explains Decision Not to Run for President:

. . .I apologize to those whom are disappointed in this decision. .  .But I believe that they, when they take a step back, will understand why the decision was made and understand that, really, you don't need a title to make a difference in this country. I think that I'm proof of that.

I'm sorry, what difference do you think you've made? "Cuz I'm really coming up with nothing.

But what's with the whole "title" thing? Just last week you were saying:

"Is a title worth it? Does a title shackle a person?" asked the former Alaska governor. . .
Palin continued: "Somebody like me - is a title and a campaign too shackling?
. . .Does a title take away my freedom to call it like I see it and to affect positive change that we need in this country?" she added. "That's the biggest contemplation piece in my process."

You know, being President is not a titular promotion. It's not like being Miss Methville, Alaska or whatever you were.

It's a job. A very very important and difficult job. Not the sort of job that one ought to quit halfway through. Not the sort of job for which someone like you should ever be considered.

You had no chance of winning, that's not surprising. What's a little surprising is that you actually realized that. I actually thought you would run some sort of half-assed pseudo campaign just for the additional attention. Also to justify your Marginal History Tour in the Constitution bus.

 

Because I gotta figure that this "family vacation" was paid for by PAC money. Money that is supposed to go towards political campaigns. And if the Tragical Bristly Tour was not the start of a half-assed campaign, and it was paid for by campaign donations, well there are laws about that sort of thing. And you are no longer in a position to pooh-pooh the law. This ain't Alaska, down here you got to follow the rules.

And now, I will bid you good day, Madame and let us never speak of you again.

This is just adorable!

It's just adorable how Sarah Palin thinks that anyone is still taking her seriously!




I just want to pat her on the head and say "very good, Sarah! You're a big helper!"


Also, she forgot to pretend that teabagging rallies are "grass-roots."


Yeah, you are Americans For Prosperity, we know.

Of Course They Were Cross-Hairs

How stupid do they think we are?

Obviously, these are cross-hairs.



 That doesn't mean that SarahPac is responsible for this Congresswoman's being shot. I have no idea whether this particular act of right-wing domestic terrorism was inspired by Sarah Palin or her gun-sight map. He may never have have seen the map, who knows? He may very well have been inspired by Palin, or he may not have. That's not the point. I mean, it is a very important point, it's just not the one I'm making.

The point I'm making is that it's utterly pathetic for Palin's defenders to take to the airwaves en masse to claim that "oh, no, these aren't cross-hairs, they're um. . . surveyor's symbols, yeah that's it, surveyor's symbols."

If those are surveyor's symbols, what are they symbols of? They don't make any sense unless they are cross-hairs.

Why can't they at least be honest and say "we meant those cross-hairs symbolically, we meant that those districts should be targeted politically." Why do they have to go through the whole pearl-clutching "why I never!" routine acting like it never occurred to them that anyone might think those were gun sights! Obviously this lady knows what gun-sights look like.


And it's not like she doesn't traffic in violent gun imagery






And you know who DOES think the symbol is a "bullseye?" Sarah Palin.

 

By the way, Sarah, a bullseye looks like this:



The symbol you used was a cross-hairs or gunsight. But that's not really the point either.

Crazy Candidate of the Day - Joe Miller

Miller vows silence on questions about personal background

SCRUTINY: Candidate complains he's being mistreated by media.

By SEAN COCKERHAM and RICHARD MAUER
Anchorage Daily News

Apparently, there's something in the meth up there in Alaska that makes political figures think that the media should only ask them the questions which they would like to be asked. It's sort of like a batter saying to the pitcher, "well, if you're going to throw sliders, I'm just not going to play. I told you to throw straight fastballs, chest high, and not too fast!"

Republican Senate nominee Joe Miller said Monday he will not answer any more questions about his personal background for the rest of the campaign.

"We've drawn a line in the sand. You can ask me about background, you can ask me about personal issues -- I'm not going to answer," Miller said.

Now, if by "personal issues" he meant, say, his love life, then sure, he would have a valid point. But of course, that's not what he means. It's more about stuff like this from The Alaska Dispatch:

U.S. Senate candidate Joe Miller confirmed Monday night that his wife -- once hired to work as a part-time clerk for the same Alaska court in which he was serving as a U.S. magistrate judge -- went on unemployment after she left the job. . .

. . . Miller critics have suggested Miller was forced to fire his wife, calling the couple's working relationship a form of nepotism prohibited by court policies at the time. . .

Miller is running on a self-described constitutional conservative platform, arguing that the nation must return to the principles and powers penned by the founding fathers to save it from bankruptcy. Putting an end to entitlements on a national level and empowering states has been a key message in his campaign.

Still, in recent weeks, Miller -- also an opponent to Social Security and Medicare -- has acknowledged utilizing federal programs, including subsidies, over the years. In the 1990s, he received more than $7,000 in federal farm subsidies for land he owned in Kansas, where he grew up. In 1999, he applied for and was granted a $77,400 state loan to buy 1,000 acres in Delta Junction under a program aimed at promoting the development of Alaska agriculture.

Miller and his campaign have fired back at critics who have called him a hypocrite, saying things like the farm subsidies were long ago and do not reflect on his positions today.

"If you suggest that anybody that has received federal payments is excluded from the dialogue on where we are at today as a federal government, then (that means) nobody can participate," Miller said in an Alaska Dispatch interview last month.

Um, I think I could. But whatever. No, I think what is being suggested is that it's kinda bullshit to suddenly develop an aversion to government money once you're no longer in a position to be receiving it.

So, questions like "how do you square your opposition to federal spending programs with the fact that you and your wife have both been the recipients of monies from these programs?" are apparently totally out of bounds to Miller.

Miller said he has been the victim of "journalistic impropriety."

Which is educated-wingnut for "gotcha journalism."

Miller asserted Monday that "members of the media have gained access to my confidential file, my personnel file from the Fairbanks North Star Borough. It is clear violation of law, the access to that file."

Miller did not offer evidence for his assertion that the media had gained access to his personnel file, or cite the law that had been broken.

Maybe Sarah can get the "department of laws" to look into it.

"We are calling upon all responsible members of the media to focus on the issues, the legitimate issues and not repeat basically the lies and innuendos, not repeat the clear violations of law, but to focus on the issues at hand. Now I'll admit, and I've said this before, I'm a man of flaws, there's no question about it. You know, I wasn't born with a silver spoon, I haven't been born wealthy," he said.

"Nor was I born with a knack for grammar," he did not add.

But, Okay, you want to look at the issues? Fine. Let's go to the "issues" section of your website:

Issues

Government Spending

I will work to limit Washington to the constitutional powers anticipated by our Founders.

Oh, good thinking. Let's limit the government to only those things whaich were anticipated by a bunch of slave-owners in powdered wigs occupying 13 tiny colonies clinging to the Atlantic seaboard whose very survival was dubious. Surely they could have anticipated the needs of a 21st Century Superpower.

*

Hey, here's an idea. Let's have the healthcare reform debate settled by a group of men who had doctors come to their homes for bloodlettings!

I support the repeal of ObamaCare. First and foremost, there is no Constitutional authority for it.

Oh my God! I was kidding!

I will support reform legislation that is market-based and incentivizes individual responsibility. One major aspect of this reform must include allowing and promoting a system of robust employer and/or self-funded tax-free health savings accounts.

There is no Constitutional authority for Federally mandated Healthcare reform! There is, however the "Health savings account" provision of Article III. That's totally in the Constitution! As my law-school professors used to say, "the Constitution will only allow the government to do the stuff that we want, not stuff the other guys want!"

I strongly oppose the unconstitutional Cap and Trade legislation. The science supporting manmade climate change is inconclusive.

No. It isn't. Just because you don't like the conclusion doesn't make the science bad. I'm not crazy about gravity, but that doesn't mean Newton was wrong.

Really, your "issues" page is pretty light on actual um, issues. Basically, you're against Healthcare reform, (although also for healthcare reform, just a different healthcare reform), against cap-and-trade, pro-life, pro-family, then you add this to sort of pad it out:

A Time for True Change

Ronald Reagan once said, “A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you've got.” We have little time to restore constitutional limits on federal power. I will be a catalyst to move those in Congress to make the tough, principled decisions needed to bring Washington back to the limited role anticipated by our Founders. We must act now.

Wow, now that's what I call vague! "I will make those tough, principled decisions, you know, those unspecified decisions that I will make in a principled way. Oh, they will be tough, I'm sure, but they will definitely be decisions of some kind, and I will toughly make them. Oh, and also, Ronald Reagan!"

It seems odd that your website doesn't mention that you'd like to abolish the minimum wage, privatize Social Security and phase out Medicare. Seems like you had plenty of room. Room that you filled with, for instance this comical sentence:

Prior to the Democrats’ takeover of the Congress and the White House in 2008, the Republicans ushered in the largest expansion of federal spending since the hay days [sic] of Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society in the 1960s.

Yeah. I think you mean "heyday" Hay Days is a snowmobile festival in Minnesota. (really) And no matter what Sarah tells you, they are called "Snowmobiles" not "Snow Machines" Snow Machines are what ski resorts use to make artificial snow when there isn't enough actual snow. Not that any of that is relevant, but I'm just sick of that airhead acting like Alaska is the only place on the planet with fucking snow, so Alaskans get to decide what to call snow-related things. Fuck you, snowbilly! Words mean things. You don't get to change the definition of words just because you think it's cute.

*if you are the person from whom I stole this joke, leave me a note if you want me to take it down or credit you. Tell me where it was first published, so I know you're really him or her.

Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She Can Quit

Press Release: Palin Book Deal

HARPERCOLLINS ANNOUNCES PUBLICATION
OF A NEW SARAH PALIN BOOK

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Sarah Palin's new book, currently untitled, will be a celebration of American virtues and strengths. Palin will reflect on the key values—both national and spiritual—that have been such a profound part of her life and which continue to inform her vision of the future. The book will include selections from classic and contemporary readings that have inspired her, as well as portraits of some of the extraordinary men and women she admires and who embody her love of country, faith, and family. She will also draw from her personal experience to amplify these timely (and timeless) themes.

So, Sarah Palin's new book will be a collection of excerpts from other books?

So I guess Sarah Palin has found something else she can quit. She can quit even pretending to write her own books.

Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She can Quit!

Damn, she's good at quitting things! She can even quit her vacation halfway through!

(although, I suppose technically, you have to be employed in order to actually have a vacation, let's just say she quit her trip to Hawaii halfway through)

The official Palin statement:

Todd and I have since cut our vacation short because the incognito attempts didn’t work and fellow vacationers were bothered for the two days we spent in the sun. So much for trying to go incognito.

Incognito? Seriously? Do you even know what incognito means? See this?

That's Micheal Jackson. Micheal Jackson knew how to go incognito. You can't tell who that is by looking. You could maybe guess, because who the fuck else would be dressed like this, but you can't look at him and see that this is Micheal Jackson.

You on the other hand, this is your attempt at incognititude:

What is the thought process here? A-ha, no one will recognize me if I put on a visor! Oh, crap! this visor is left over from the McCain campaign! I know! I'll just cross out his name! Problem solved! To the Beach!

See, you have actually become a very recognizable person, due largely to the fact that you are a shameless, unrelenting publicity whore, so if you were actually trying to go incognito, you'd have to oh, I don't know, maybe put the tiniest bit of effort into it?

But of course you weren't really trying to go incognito, were you?

The very idea of you shunning the spotlight is as absurd as the thought that you might cut short your trip out of concern for "fellow vacationers." You might as well say that you're quitting because it's the right thing to do for America, or for the people of Alaska, and it's all about family and not being a quitter. Oh, that's right, you used all those up when you quit being governor!

Sarah Palin Finds Something Else She Can Quit

She can quit showing respect for a man who has lived his life in service to his country!





Yeah, you blacked out John McCain's name on your hat, way to be a maverick!

You do know that John McCain is the only reason that anyone outside of the Alaska Ethics Commission has ever heard of you, right?

And you do know that you cost him whatever chance he had of winning the election, right?

Yeah, you're embarrassed of John McCain, that's great. He's a war hero, you know, but whatever!

An Excerpt from "Going Rogue"

Here is an excerpt from Sarah Palin's upcoming book which she totally wrote all by herself!

(from Wonkette)

I have to assume this conversation is heavily edited. I imagine the real conversation went something like this. . . . .

Sarah: I'm not a quitter, Track. That's why I have to quit.

Track: I'm going to pray for you, mom. I'm going to pray that someone teaches you the definition of the word "quit."

Sarah: Fast about it for a day.

Track: Hey, you're the one who's quitting a job she took an oath to complete, why the fuck should I be punished?

Sarah: Okay, forget fasting food. fast from cussing for a day then.

Track: How about I fast from having a normal person's name for the next, um, my whole fucking life? How would that be?

Sarah: I'm a maverick!

Track: Yeah, yeah, I know. You're a maverick, mom. How about you quit on this phone call halfway through?

And scene.

I can't imagine how someone hasn't taken sarah aside and told her to top telling the quitting story. Her agent, her publisher, her handlers, someone's gotta tell her that quitting to prove that your not a quitter doesn't really make you look all that smart. Or sane. Or not an idiot.

Also, how does her editor not do something about the phrase "fasting food?"
One can not fast food. The verb to fast doesn't work that way. It's what you call an intransitive verb. It doesn't take an object, except in the very unusual usage of making someone fast as in: to fast a patient for a day before surgery. (dictionary.com)

I think what she means to say is "refrain from," as in "refrain from cussing for a day." But at any rate, "fasting food" really makes no sense. At least "fast from cussing" sort of makes sense although it is incorrect, as Merriam Webster defines "fast" as: 1 : to abstain from food 2 : to eat sparingly or abstain from some foods.

Seriously, most of us learned this shit in high school.

The Worst Non-Profits

The Worst Non-Profit organizations to which to donate your money:



The American Befuddlement Society.

The March of Dime Bags.

Rabid Cats for Humanity.

Project Open Handed Slap to the Face.

The Salvation Navy

The Boys and Girls Pubs of America.

The Bake a Fish Foundation.

Doctors Without Barnes & Noble.

Friends of Roman Polanski

The Apathy Fund

St. Jude Law Children's Hospital.

And the Number One Worst Non-Profit:


SarahPAC.

No Wonder It's Selling So Well!

I was wondering how they were selling so many copies of a book "written by" Sarah Palin.
Now I know. It's organizations like TownHall.com and Newsmax buying up tons of copies to use as free giveaways.

FREE OFFER

Get Sarah Palin's New Book

Great Offer #1!

Get Sarah's book FREE with our Newsmax magazine offer — Go Here Now.

$34.95/yr. plus your choice of a free book with your subscription Subscribe today by clicking below on your free book choice.

Even for free, I think I'll pass, thanks.

do me a favor, though. Since Sarah and Newsmax and SarahPac and whoever are bound to put their ads under this post, go ahead and click on them. Don't buy anything ar sign up for anything, just click on their ads. It'll cost 'em a couple of bucks which will make me smile. And the revenue keeps Blogspot operating as a free blog-hosty thing.

Farewell, Sarah Palin!

Could this possibly be the last rambling, incoherent speech we'll ever hear from Sarah Palin? Say it ain't so, Joe!

No. It isn't. But Sarah Palin did give her farewell to Alaska speech today. Let's look at some excerpts:

What an absolutely beautiful day it is, and it is my honor to speak to all Alaskans, to our Alaskan family this last time as your governor. And it is always great to be in Fairbanks. The rugged rugged hardy people that live up here and some of the most patriotic people whom you will ever know live here

Also my husband and his buddies that want to secede from the Union.

And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature's finest show. Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun.

Yes, Denali. The Mountain that soars.
Soaring is flying, right? Just checking.

And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins.

Until we kick Mother Nature in the shins and start drilling, baby, drilling!

It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future.

If this is our future, get me Doctor Kervorkian!

And it is our men and women in uniform securing it, and we are facing tough challenges in America with some seeming to just be Hell bent maybe on tearing down our nation, perpetuating some pessimism, and suggesting American apologetics

a⋅pol⋅o⋅get⋅ics

 /əˌpɒləˈdʒɛtɪks/ Show Spelled Pronunciation –noun (used with a singular verb) the branch of theology concerned with the defense or proof of Christianity.

And first, some straight talk

aka lies and gibberish

some straight talk for some, just some in the media because another right protected for all of us is freedom of the press, and you all have such important jobs reporting facts and informing the electorate, and exerting power to influence.

Exerting power to influence? That's a thing, right?

Democracy depends on you, and that is why, that's why
our troops are willing to die for you.

Many a soldier's dying words have been "this one's for you, Frank Rich of the New York Times!"

So, how 'bout in honor of the American soldier, ya quite makin' things up.

'Cuz makin' shit up is my bit! You don't see me stealin' yer "dispassionate reporting of the facts" routine, do ya?

and one other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family too,
so leave his kids alone.

See, if I disguise a jab at the press as concern for someone else's family, it makes me seem kinda noble. Never mind that I have trotted my kids out anywhere there was a camera for the last two years.

OK, today is a beautiful day and today as we swear in Sean Parnell, no one will be happier than I to witness by God's grace Alaskans with strength of character advancing our beloved state. Sean has that.

Has what?

Don't forget Alaskans you are the resource owners per our constitution

And the workers must own the means of production! Power to the people!

Let me tell you, Alaskans really need to stick together on this with new leadership in this area especially, encouraging new leadership... got to stiffen your spine to do what's right for Alaska when the pressure mounts, because you're going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here's how they do it.

They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes. Stand strong, and remind them patriots will protect our guaranteed, individual right to bear arms, and by the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt.

Many Alaskans would face starvation if not allowed to shoot wolves from a helicopter!

but nothing, nothing could have succeeded without my right-hand man Kris Perry. She is the sharpest, boldest, hardest-working partner. Kris is my right-hand man and much success is due to Kris.

Oh, was I not supposed to mention that she's a man? Sorry Kris!

Alaskans will remember that years ago, remember we sported the old bumper sticker that said, "Alaska. We Don't Give a Darn How They Do It Outside?" Do you remember that? I remember that, and remember it was because we would be different. We'd roll up our sleeves, and we would diligently sow and reap

Using our Old-Testament-era agricultural techniques, praying that a plague of locusts might not descend upon us.

and we can still do this to carve wealth out of the wilderness and make our living on the water, with strong hands and innovative minds, now with smarter technology.

All of which was developed in the lower 48 and paid for largely by Federal R & D grants.

We must be prudent and persistent and press for the people's right to responsibly develop God-given resources for the maximum benefit of the people.

From each according to his ability to each according to his need!

And we have come so far in just 50 years. We're no longer a frontier outpost on the periphery of the world's greatest nation.

Now we're a frontier outpost on the periphery of Canada.

Alaska will lead with energy, we will prove you can be both pro-development and pro-environment, because no one loves their clean air and their land and their wildlife and their water more than an Alaskan. We will protect it.

Now start drilling! And get my helicopter, I'm gonna go shoot me some wolves!

Yes, America must look north to the future for security, for energy independence, for our strategic location on the globe. Alaska is the gate-keeper of the continent.

'Cuz some Siberian motherfuckers might try crossing the Berings Strait, fighting their way through Canada down into Oregon, then across the Great Plains, and next thing ya know, they're attackin' the White House!

some still are choosing not to hear why I made the decision to chart a new course to advance the state. And it should be so obvious to you. (indicating heckler) It is because I love Alaska this much, sir

I love Alaska far too much to leave her in the hands of a vapid, uninformed political dilettante with delusions of grandeur and a persecution complex.

with this decision now, I will be able to fight even harder for you, for what is right, for truth. And I have never felt like you need a title to do that.

Vote for me. Palin 2012!

when I took the oath to serve you, I promised...remember I promised to steadfastly and doggedly guard the interests of this great state like that grizzly guards her cubs, as a mother naturally guards her own.

As a mother protects her underaged daughter from getting knocked up by a hillbilly meth-cooker, um, never mind!

And I will keep that vow wherever the road may lead. Todd and I, and Track, Bristol, Tripp, Willow, Piper, Trig...I think I got 'em all.

Goddammit, can't you media types quit talking about my family!

We will forever be so grateful for the honor of our lifetime to have served you.

Not grateful enough to finish out "our" term, but y'know, thanks!

And so on. . . . .


Sarah, we hardly knew ye! Or more to the point, we hardly knew what the fuck ye were talking about!

(Here's a link to some video highlights on Gawker)

PALIN 2012!

In which I try my hand at creating campaign slogans.

Because Finishing the Job You were Hired to Do
Is just Politics as Usual

She Doesn't Know the Meaning of the Word "quit."
Seriously, she really doesn't.

Ethics, Schmethics!

She'll Get Back to Ya!

And Now, A Message from Sarah Palin

Hey, Jagoffs! Just because I've been mentioned a few times on this here blog-thingy doesn't mean I'm endorsing it. So when the "SarahPac" ads come up. I better not catch any of you lower-48 not-real Americans clicking on them. "Cuz every time you do, I gotta pay the Perfessor a couple of bucks.

Seriously, if you have any respect for me at all, you will not click on the SarahPac ads!

If I catch any of you clicking on the ads just to try and cost me money, me and one of my kids will hunt you down and gut you like this fuckin' moose!

Yeah! That moose bitch won't be messin' with me any time soon!

You think I'm joking? I will quit whatever it is I'm doing at the time and come after you hardcore! You betcha! And I won't stop until you're dead, 'cuz I'm no quitter!


You feel lucky punk? Click on the ads for SarahPac! I dare ya! Make my frikkin' day!