A Chaos Classic

In celebration of Easter, Spring, and my laziness, I present a re-run of a post from back when no one was reading this.

The Worst Song I Heard at Work This Week

I knew I had given out the title to "life Less Ordinary" too soon! Because today I heard "And We Danced" by The Hooters, which is apparently a band made up of busty white-trash waitresses. Just take a quick gander at some of the lyrics these wordsmiths have produced:
(and yes, it took two of them to craft this gem)

She was a bebop baby on a hard day's night
She was hanging on Johnny, he was holding on tight

Bebop baby? really? What the hell does that mean? She was the daughter of Charlie Parker?

Oh, and the Beatles reference, nice! You know, it was clever when Lennon & McCartney coined the phrase "hard day's night" because no one had used it before. You're just repeating a phrase from vastly superior songwriters. No one's impressed. Ooh! maybe I'll entitle my next post "Johnny B. Goode Along the Watchtower Cries Mary!" What craftsmanship!

But hold on, it gets worse! I know! Hard to believe, right?

And we danced
Like a wave on the ocean, romanced

Ok, two things. First, "danced like a wave on the ocean." What would that even look like?


Cuz I'm picturing this:




But more importantly, there's the "romanced" thing. What, did you just tack that word on to the end of the line to make a rhyme? That's the laziest bit of songwriting I've ever seen. You couldn't come up with anything else?
Here, try this:

and we danced
like a couple of pervs with no pants.

or this:

and we danced
like a boil that needs to be lanced.

or even:

and we danced
we were both surgically enhanced.

Oh wait, one more!

and we danced
like a miniature collie from France.

Ok, that took me like five minutes, so there's no excuse for just throwing a random word on the end of the line.
What if other writers took your approach, Hooters?
just imagine. . . . . .

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun, Pancakes!

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Croquet!

Let me tell you about the very rich.
They are not like you and I, Bitch!

Then there's the rest of the chorus:

We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance

(there, see! It's not that hard to find a legitimate rhyme)

And we danced and danced and danced

Oh, come on! Really?
You are the laziest songwriters ever.

Ooh, wait! One More!

And we danced
I had paid for her time in advance.

ok, last one

and we danced
I had borrowed a suit from Jim Nantz.

oh, I just thought of one more

and we danced
she ignored my political rants.

and we danced
to the tune of gregorian chants.

and we danced
she wanted to waltz, but I can't.

Ok, that's it.

Problematic Christmas Song Lyrics

#1-- Do You Hear What I Hear?

I'm willing to accept the lamb speaking to the shepherd boy about something the night wind told him, I just assume the little shepherd boy found some unusual mushrooms to snack on. The real problem comes in verse 3:

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king
Do you know what I know
In your palace wall mighty king
Do you know what I know


Okay, there is no way this little fucking peasant boy is getting in to see the mighty king.
Do you know how many layers of security you'd have to get through to see a mighty king? It's not like crashing a state dinner at the White House. And then you do somehow get an audience with the king, and you're going to pull that smartass Cindy Brady "I know something you don't know" routine? You're pulling that shit with the fucking king? I don't think so.

Then the shepherd boy finally tells the king what he came there to tell him:


A child, a child
Shivers in the cold
Let us bring him silver and gold
Let us bring him silver and gold

Silver and Gold? Silver and Gold? The baby is shivering in the cold, bring him a freakin blankie! A little hat. A tiny Snuggie! What is he going to do with silver and gold? Sure, tomorrow he could maybe buy a blankie, but it's the middle of the night and Wal-Mart hasn't been invented yet, so there is nowhere to buy anything until at least tomorrow. And tomorrow Wal-Mart will be closed, because it'll be Christmas Day!



And where are you going to get silver and gold, shepherd boy? You're a shepherd boy! You don't have a bunch of spare silver and gold lying around. When you say let "us" bring him silver and gold, you really mean let "you" bring him silver and gold, don't you?


#2 -- It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I'm willing to overlook lines like "kids Jingle-belling" And "There'll be much mistletoe-ing" because I know it can be hard to find rhymes for words like "telling" and "glowing" but what I can not understand is the line:

There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago

Who tells scary ghost stories at Christmas? What kind of family did this person grow up with? No one sits around the Christmas tree sipping eggnog and "hanging from the door was a BLOODY HOOK!!!!!!!"

And there are what, like a hundred different recordings of this song and No one has ever thought "yeah, let's replace that line."
How about "We'll have veal cacciatore"
Or "There'll be several Hugh Lauries"
Or "There'll be rocks from the quarries"
Or "We'll have large inventories."
Or " We'll vote out the Torries"
I don't know, but there has to be something better than "scary ghost stories"





#3 -- Here Comes Santa Claus

Here comes santa claus, here comes santa claus,
Right down santa claus lane.

He doesn't care if you're a rich or poor,
He loves you just the same.

That is such a blatant lie that it barely merits discussion. Of course Santa cares if you're rich or poor. Santa brings more and better gifts to the rich kids, everyone knows that. Interestingly, this line does not exist in Gene Autrey's original song. It was added to the Elvis Presley version for some reason.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

If Beyonce Were a Boy

Yes, I'm implying that she gets by on her looks and is actually not that great a singer.

The Worst Songs I've Heard This Week

Cha-Cha Slide by DJ Casper

Because it's not so much a song as a set of instructions with a beatbox.

You Were Meant for Me by Jewel

Because I don't need to hear about every mundane detail of your day.
"I got my eggs and my pancakes too"
"I break the yolks and make a smiley face."
"I brush my teeth and put the cap back on."
"put on my pj's and hop into bed."
Good God! If you knew someone like this, would you voluntarily spend a second with her?

Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen
I generally like Bruce. I think he's written a lot of very good songs, OK? This just isn't one of them.
because A) he makes no effort to make the lyrics fit into the meter of the song, and
B) he says his baseball player friend "Could throw that speedball by you" Where I come from, a speedball is what killed John Belushi. The pitch is called a fastball. Who doesn't know that?

Lullaby by Shawn Mullins

Because he recites the words instead of singing through most of the song.

Invisible Touch by Phil Collins

Because its sung by Phil Collins. Also because it was written by Phil Collins.

Always the Last to Know by Del Amitri

Because, as if this song didn't suck enough balls, they put in this lyric:
". . .If you're happy now
or if he's cheating on you, like I cheated on you
oh, oh, oh"
(I swear, the lyric is oh, oh, oh, check Lyrics.com if you don't believe me)

then the singer goes into poignant, sensitive mode and sings
"you were the last to know, you were the last to know"
Dude! Don't use your sentimental, heartfelt voice when you're talking about being a total dick!

I'm sure there were more. Our Muzak system at work is programmed by sadists, but that's all I can think of right now.

The Worst Song I Heard at Work This Week

I knew I had given out the title to "life Less Ordinary" too soon! Because today I heard "And We Danced" by The Hooters, which is apparently a band made up of busty white-trash waitresses. Just take a quick gander at some of the lyrics these wordsmiths have produced:
(and yes, it took two of them to craft this gem)

She was a bebop baby on a hard day's night
She was hanging on Johnny, he was holding on tight

Bebop baby? really? What the hell does that mean? She was the daughter of Charlie Parker?

Oh, and the Beatles reference, nice! You know, it was clever when Lennon & McCartney coined the phrase "hard day's night" because no one had used it before. You're just repeating a phrase from vastly superior songwriters. No one's impressed. Ooh! maybe I'll entitle my next post "Johnny B. Goode Along the Watchtower Cries Mary!" What craftsmanship!

But hold on, it gets worse! I know! Hard to believe, right?

And we danced
Like a wave on the ocean, romanced

Ok, two things. First, "danced like a wave on the ocean." What would that even look like?


Cuz I'm picturing this:




But more importantly, there's the "romanced" thing. What, did you just tack that word on to the end of the line to make a rhyme? That's the laziest bit of songwriting I've ever seen. You couldn't come up with anything else?
Here, try this:

and we danced
like a couple of pervs with no pants.

or this:

and we danced
like a boil that needs to be lanced.

or even:

and we danced
we were both surgically enhanced.

Oh wait, one more!

and we danced
like a miniature collie from France.

Ok, that took me like five minutes, so there's no excuse for just throwing a random word on the end of the line.
What if other writers took your approach, Hooters?
just imagine. . . . . .

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun, Pancakes!

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Hey!

Let me tell you about the very rich.
They are not like you and I, Bitch!

Then there's the rest of the chorus:

We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance

(there, see! It's not that hard to find a legitimate rhyme)

And we danced and danced and danced

Oh, come on! Really?
You are the laziest songwriters ever.

Ooh, wait! One More!

And we danced
I had paid for her time in advance.

ok, last one

and we danced
I had borrowed a suit from Jim Nantz.

oh, I just thought of one more

and we danced
she ignored my political rants.

and we danced
to the tune of gregorian chants.

and we danced
she wanted to waltz, but I can't.

Ok, that's it.

The Worst Song I Heard at Work This Week

As previously discussed, the muzak at work provides us with an all-you-can-eat doodoo buffet for the ears. It's not easy picking out one song to earn the title of most annoying, but this week, I think the honor goes to a little ditty called "Life Less Ordinary" by a band with the unlikely moniker "Carbon Leaf.".
(seen here looking all serious with their groovy '70's hair)




But what makes this song more irritating than the others? you might well ask.

Well, I'm glad you asked. (and by you, I mean my imaginary version of you whom I imagined asking.)
Mainly, it's lyrics like this:

The night you came into my life
Well it took the bones of me, took the bones of me
You blew away my storm and strife
And shook the bones of me, shook the bones of me

So, are we to understand that the night you met the young lady she removed your skeletal system from your body, then shook it? Took it then shook it? (Good to repeat the most ridiculous lines for emphasis!)

And these four lines are repeated two more times later in the song, beacause their author was just so gosh-darn proud of them!

Then the line that follows this super-pretentious statement?

By the way, I do know why you stayed away...
I will keep tongue-tied next time

No! You just can't follow that ostentatious, grandiose bit of pseudo-poetry with "by the way," you just can't!

Honey understand (honey), honey understand
I won't rest in stone all alone

"rest in stone?" what the hell does that even mean? Did you just need something to rhyme with "all alone?"

If I could make you dance for joy
Could that be the second-chance decoy?

Oh, you do just throw random words in there to make rhymes. Wow! That's some impressive hackery!

The Worst Song I Heard At Work This Week

The Muzak at my place of employment is a veritable cornucrapia of insipid lyrics set to wearisome tunes, but the all-time cake taker has to be the atrocious "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" by the abominable Paula Cole. (seen here taking herself way too fucking seriously)

The tune, to begin with, is just an unimaginative mediocrity, and Ms. Cole is a passable vocalist at best. If these were the only complaints, this song would barely merit a mention. It would slide by un-noticed like most second-rate records. But, no! Apparently, the producers had a brilliant idea: "hey, Paula, what if, instead of singing the main verses, you recited the lyrics in a semi-rhythmic stage whisper?"
" Oh My God! Brilliant! Now people will know that I'm a serious artist!"

Then there's the lyrics themselves, which are basically a bizarre longing for a pre-feminist relationship in which "I will raise the children if you pay all the bills." and "I will wash the dishes, you go have a beer." (seriously: Link) And she can't even pronounce "beer" like a normal person. When Paula sings it, it comes out like "beeee-yurrrr." How hard is it to pronounce beer? It's one fucking syllable! BEER! There, see how easy that was?

And, hey, Ms Cole, women have spent the last 30-odd years trying to explain to men that we should be more sensitive, more in touch with our feelings, and God help us, we've been trying. We may not be that great at it, but we have been trying to be more Phil Donahuey and less Clint Eastwoodey. And now here you come along whining "where is my John Wayne?" John Wayne is dead. And if he was alive, he probably wouldn't be a lot of fun to be married to. Remember this famous quote from the Duke? “Women have the right to work wherever they want, as long as they have the dinner ready when you get home”
(Although, based on your lyrics, maybe he would be your ideal husband.)

Anyway, just when the song is winding down, just when it seems like the crapfest is over, Ms Cole launches into a ghastly caterwauling which Lyrics.com translates as "yipee yo, yipee yeah," but sounds for all the world like "Dah- ah - ahh, Duh-ha, Duh-ha!" Either way, I'm pretty sure it violates the Geneva Conventions.

And, ys, I know that this song is over 10 years old, but it hasn't gotten any less horrid in the interim.