The Procession of "Healing"

I must be a glutton for punishment. I keep opening e-mails from the "One News Now" organization. The latest features a story about a group who puts on something called "The Procession of Healing." I'll let them explain what this is all about:

"People who have abortions or were involved in an abortion [are] very traumatized by it and [feel it's] something they can't be forgiven for," says Jones. "So we decided to do...what we call the 'Procession of Healing,' which is a funeral procession through our downtown area. Last year we had about 300 cars going through the downtown area with black flags."

Wow! So women who have had abortions are traumatized. I have no idea whether that is true, but it's probably safe to assume that some women do have feelings of regret, or of loss, or whatever. I assume this would be a tumultuous time for someone who has had to make this extremely difficult decision. But hey, in case there are any women in town who have terminated a pregnancy but don't feel sufficiently emotionally scarred, let's parade up and down the fucking street in hearses with black flags you know, to be sure that they know that here in Knoxville, TN a lot of us are looking at them as murderers. that should help!

Event founder Aaron Jones, worship arts pastor at Trinity Chapel in Knoxville, Tennessee, explains the event further. According to Jones, in excess of 3,000 abortions take place every year in his area, and the funeral procession gives people a chance to mourn the loss of those lives. He adds that the procession also offers a time of healing for women who have had abortions.

"So we just use it as an opportunity to mourn but also to an opportunity for women...to begin closure and to begin a healing process -- and maybe for some it is closure for them," Jones suggests. "And so that's what this is all about."

You know, Aaron, maybe a lot of these women didn't really need a healing process until your morbid little procession. Do you honestly think you're helping? Can't you at least be honest? I would think a statement along the lines of "we're gonna show those baby-killin' bitches. They'll think twice before exercising choice in family planning after the shaming we're gonna throw at them!" would be a little closer to capturing the spirit of the event.

At least this kind of crap is confined to Tennessee.

The Procession of Healing will be taking place in five other cities: Minneapolis, Minnesota; Miami, Florida; Johnson City, Tennessee; Franklin, North Carolina; and Madisonville, Tennessee.

Oh, God Damn it!

A Government-free Vacation!

In Somalia!

The Mustard Thing

This is just pathetic! Are Hannity and co. completely out of straws at which to grasp? How desperate would you have to be to criticize the man's choice of condiments?




And what kind of inbred troglodyte thinks that spicy mustard is some kind of fancy-schmancy luxury item? They have spicy mustard at the fucking ballpark, you idiot! Can you really find nothing legitimate for which to criticize him? He must have made some policy error by now. Is this really what you want to latch on to? He likes mustard on his burger! And doesn't care for ketchup! My God! the man must be some sort of effete aristocrat! Who else could have acquired a taste for a condiment which cost $2.89 at Publix!

I don't know which is more absurd, the fact that Hannity , Ingraham, et al are trying to pass dijon mustard off as some sort of decadent hedonistic indulgence, or the fact that they seem to think it matters. Look, you morons, it wouldn't make a goddamm bit of difference if he had ordered the white truffle burger with fucking caviar relish. He's either doing a good job or he isn't. If you think he's doing a poor job, then let's hear why! Let's not pretend that his mustard preference could possibly make the slightest fucking difference!


Oh, and not that it matters, but President Obama NEVER MENTIONED GREY POUPON!

Perez Hilton

This:










Is not funny.


This:
















Is not clever.




This:










Is not amusing. Or cute. Or the least bit interesting.

How in the Hell is Perez Hilton famous?

Writing comments on photos with all the subtle wit of a learning-disabled 5th grader? That's what gets you celebrity status these days?

Maybe his commentary is a bit more scintillating. let's look at what was under the picture of Kirstie Alley.

We mentioned earlier that Kirstie Alley is fat…well, fatter, and she is hoping to get back onto the dieting wagon.

The Cheers alum might get a little help from pal and fellow spokeswoman of Jenny Craig, Valerie Bertinelli.

When asked about her fellow dieter and her recent bikini pics, Kirstie cited her as being "stunning" and "inspiring". She even told People:

"It’s like the student surpassed the teacher, who is now over there in the corner, fat!”

Hahaha. Fact!

But Bertinelli to the rescue! She wants very much to help Kirstie return to her former weight. She tells People:

"She should come work out with me! She should remember you can't do everything in one day [and] her exercise has to be consistent. She can do this. There's no doubt in my mind."

Somebody swoop in and get this reality show. It would be awesome!

Jeez! I had to grind up and snort No-Doz to stay awake through that. Who the hell reads this guy?

Wanna see how it's done? Check out The Superficial:

No wonder Rihanna fled the West Coast. Chris Brown's lawyer Mark Geragos filed his motion yesterday seeking internal LAPD documents about the leaked photo of a battered Rihanna. He hopes to prove misconduct by the LAPD and get Chris Brown's assault charges completely dropped. Radar Online reports:

( there follows an excerpt from Geragos' press release, then comes the joke)

For brevity's sake, let me sum up the most important part of this post: Rihanna's cleavage. Some stuff might have just happened about Chris Brown's high-priced lawyer getting another celebrity off the hook, but seriously, look at that outfit. I'm a journalist, so trust me, that's the real story here. Wolf Blitzer is stroking his beard in agreement.

Here's another entry about the Lohan sisters:

While everyone famous and important (Including Brooke Shields somehow.) was invited to the Met Gala Monday night, Lindsay Lohan was quarantined to the "Haute & Bothered" launch party which she felt was the proper venue to make out with her little sister. Why not? But, apparently, that's just the tip of the psychological iceberg of how Lindsay is ruining Ali. NY Daily News reports:

(excerpt from NY Daily News interview with some quack shrink)

I'm no psychologist, but ultimately, isn't Lindsay keeping Ali from their mom Dina? I'm trying to figure out how that's a bad thing, but all I end up doing is spraying the interns with champagne. Don't get me wrong, Ali will be snorting dump trucks full of blow and doing porn with Lindsay by 18, but that's at least a good three, maybe even five, years later than Dina's plan. You gotta accentuate the positive here.

See? It's funny. Fun-Nee! Get it? So how is Perez famous and whoever writes the Superficial is not? How is that possible? I'm going to bed now. Righteous anger really takes it out of you.

Miss California, Revisited.

So now a new photo has surfaced of Miss CA, Carrie Prejean, from some lingerie ad she did at some point in her life. What most people are taking away from this is that this makes her somewhat hypocritical in terms of being a spokesmodel for "family values" or whatever. But here's the thing that jumps out at me when I see this picture:

prior to the cosmetic surgery, Ms Prejean was pretty. What the hell would make a young lady who looks like the above picture think that plastic surgery was a good idea? What the hell is wrong with the model/beauty pageant subculture that the girl in that picture feels like she needs to take drastic steps to "improve" her looks?


How could the young woman in the above photo look in the mirror and think hmm, maybe some second-rate hackery on the old face is in order. Now where can I find an unlicensed surgeon with the DT's who will work on short notice?

And who could possibly think that this:


is an improvement?

And look at the first picture again. Why would that gal need for pageant officials to pay for her to have breast implants? She has her own perfectly good bosoms. I shudder to think that she could have been so dissatisfied with her appearance that she had the real ones removed and replaced with the fakes.

What the hell did this poor girl's parents do to her?


And now, in the interest of attracting more traffic to this blog, I would like to reiterate that we have been discussing Miss California, her breasts, and topless photos.

Ok, I am really not proud of that last bit. I'm going to go sit in the corner and think about what I've done.