The Worst Songs I've Heard This Week

Cha-Cha Slide by DJ Casper

Because it's not so much a song as a set of instructions with a beatbox.

You Were Meant for Me by Jewel

Because I don't need to hear about every mundane detail of your day.
"I got my eggs and my pancakes too"
"I break the yolks and make a smiley face."
"I brush my teeth and put the cap back on."
"put on my pj's and hop into bed."
Good God! If you knew someone like this, would you voluntarily spend a second with her?

Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen
I generally like Bruce. I think he's written a lot of very good songs, OK? This just isn't one of them.
because A) he makes no effort to make the lyrics fit into the meter of the song, and
B) he says his baseball player friend "Could throw that speedball by you" Where I come from, a speedball is what killed John Belushi. The pitch is called a fastball. Who doesn't know that?

Lullaby by Shawn Mullins

Because he recites the words instead of singing through most of the song.

Invisible Touch by Phil Collins

Because its sung by Phil Collins. Also because it was written by Phil Collins.

Always the Last to Know by Del Amitri

Because, as if this song didn't suck enough balls, they put in this lyric:
". . .If you're happy now
or if he's cheating on you, like I cheated on you
oh, oh, oh"
(I swear, the lyric is oh, oh, oh, check Lyrics.com if you don't believe me)

then the singer goes into poignant, sensitive mode and sings
"you were the last to know, you were the last to know"
Dude! Don't use your sentimental, heartfelt voice when you're talking about being a total dick!

I'm sure there were more. Our Muzak system at work is programmed by sadists, but that's all I can think of right now.

Stupid Quotes of the Week

Something weird was going on this week, there were even more stupid quotes this week than usual. here are a few highlights.

Micheal Steele:

Steele said, “The problem that we have with this president is that we don’t know [Obama]. He was not vetted, folks. … He was not vetted, because the press fell in love with the black man.

Riiiight, the press loves the black guy. That must be why you are so popular and respected and not at all the object of constant ridicule.

John Boehner:

"It's hard for me to imagine,'' Boehner said, ''that anyone in the intelligence areas would mislead us... I don't feel.. that I have been misled.''

Perish the thought! The CIA stooping to deception? Why the very idea!

Lindsey Graham:

Senator Lindsey Graham basically defended the Spanish Inquisition, saying:

“One of the reasons these techniques have been used for about 500 years is that they work”.

If by "work" you mean "get people to confess to witchcraft," then Yeah, good point, Senator!




Joe Barton:
“I would also point out that CO2, carbon dioxide, is not a pollutant in any normal definition of the term.

“And something that the Democrat sponsors do not point out, a lot of the CO2 that is created in the United States is naturally created. You can’t regulate God.

Right, anything that's naturally occurring can't be harmful. Oh, you know what else is a naturally occurring substance? Arsenic! Just saying.

(Barton's CO2 diatribe deserves its own post. if I get the time, I may give it one.)

But this is probably the stupidest story of the year so far:

Republicans on Wednesday abandoned an effort to label their opponents the “Democrat Socialist Party,” ending a fight within the GOP ranks that reflected the divide between those who want a more centrist message and those seeking a more aggressive, conservative voice.

Supporters of the resolution asking the Democratic Party to change its name instead agreed to accept language urging Democrats to “stop pushing our country towards socialism and government control.”

Wow! You just got thumped in the last two elections, you've got the ghost of Cheney popping up on TV every couple of days, Your chairman is Micheal Steele, and this is what you're spending your time on? This is the resolution you're debating? Don't you want to be relevant again at some point? Unbelievable!

Harry Reid

With friends like Harry, who needs enemies?

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid declared in press conference today that he will not support GITMO detainees being held in the United States. Reid said that he supports Obama’s plan to close GITMO, but will not support, “terrorists to be released in the United States.”

Jeez, Harry! Come on! No one is talking about releasing terrorists anywhere, let alone releasing them into the U.S. You gotta stop watching FOX! Do you really think that President Obama would just let terrorists loose to wander the streets of America? How do you explain this position of yours?

Reid was asked why the Senate wouldn’t fund the closure of GITMO
He said,“I agree with President Bush.

Oh Good God Almighty! It's worse than I thought! You agree with Bush? The man who was wrong about, um, everything?

“I agree with President Bush. I agree with John McCain. I agree with Barack Obama.

Yeah, that doesn't really work. That's like saying "I'm a devout Baptist. And also a Hindu. And a Mormon." Oh, right. You are a Mormon, aren't you? What does that church do to its followers' minds?

Reid noted, however, that “many Americans have concerns about terrorists coming into our community.”

Yeah, unless your community is a Supermax prison, that's not really going to be an issue.

Oh, check out this exchange:

REID: I’m saying that the United States Senate, Democrats and Republicans, do not want terrorists to be released in the United States.

QUESTION: No one’s talking about releasing them. We’re talking about putting them in prison somewhere in the United States.

REID: Can’t put them in prison unless you release them.

What? Do you have any idea how prison transfers work? It's not like when your company transfers you to a different branch. They don't just tell you when to show up and who to ask for.

This is how they transport a garden variety criminal.

Not even a high-priority offender. So, yeah, I think that the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security could handle transferring prisoners into US prisons.

















U.S. Prisons can handle guys like this























You think they can't handle these guys?

Hey Reid, guess what?

MUSIC BREAK!

It's Atlanta's own THE COATHANGERS playing live at Georgia State!

Health Care

While trying to make the case for keeping Guantanamo Bay open as a detention center, Republican Sen. John Ensign said of the detainees, “They get better health care than the average American citizen does.”

The sad thing is, he may be right.

Imagine if we ran other vital services the way we ran healthcare. I think it might go a little something like this. . . .(picture gets wavy). . . (dream sequence harp music). . . .

OPERATOR: 911, What's your emergency?

CALLER: Someone's breaking into my house!

OPERATOR: May I have your account number please?

CALLER: Look, I need the police!

OPERATOR: And I'll be happy to assist you today, sir, but I am going to need your account number.

CALLER: Oh, God! It's um, 54A-65293

OPERATOR: Great now how can I help you?

CALLER: I need the police! Someone's breaking into my house!

OPERATOR: Ok, I'll be happy to send an officer out to you. How do you want to take care of the co-pay today?

CALLER: Can't you just bill me?

OPERATOR: Sure, we can do that. Let me just verify your address.

CALLER: 1705 Maple Drive.

OPERATOR: Okay, got it. Now is the intruder armed?

CALLER: I don't know!

OPERATOR: Okay, I'm going to need you to find out, because if an armed response is required, I'll have to check your policy and see if we can cover that today. Normally, for an armed response, there is a 20% deductible.

CALLER: Hurry, he's in my house! And he has a gun!

OPERATOR: Great, so that clears up that question. Now since he is carrying a firearm, that's going to require a 2-officer response. Let me see who we have in the area. Officer Jenkins, no he's not taking any new referrals. Seargeant Thomas, not without a referral from a primary patrolman. See, the problem is that there just aren't a lot of officers we can use with your basic policy.

CALLER: Never mind, I've already been sodomized and murdered.

AND SCENE!

Let's have a nice round of applause for the not-ready-for-single-payer players!