Bill Donohue is a real person! Who knew?

I'd seen Bill Donohue on the Colbert Report and I had just assumed that he was acharacter created for the show, like the black Republican character that Tim Meadows portrays occasionally. But no! Apparently, Bill Donohue is a real person, and his organization, the "Catholic League," is an actual thing. Who knew?

And here's the proof. Could a fictional character pen a column for the Washington Post? The Washington Times, sure. But the Post? Probably not!

America's secular saboteurs

By Bill Donohue
President, Catholic League

See?

There are many ways cultural nihilists are busy trying to sabotage America these days:

Wow, right off the bat! Opening strong with a burst of paranoia right in the first sentence. I think we can see where this is going already. The "nihilists" are going to be "anyone with a point of view different than Bill Donohue's." And anyone with a different point of view is naturally OUT TO DESTROY AMERICA!!!!!

multiculturalism is used as a club to beat down Western civilization in the classroom;

Right, because acknowledging the contributions of other cultures is obviously the same thing as saying that Western Civilization Sucks!

Everyone knows that the only literature worth reading is Shakespeare, Mark Twain, and the King James Bible. If students are required to read, say Gabriel Garcia Marquez, or the Epic of Gilgamesh, well, how will they know that everything good ever written was written in English, which is the language God speaks because English is so obviously superior to every other language ever. Hmm? How are they going to learn that? Answer me that, smug little multi-culti nihilist.

Not for nothing, but wouldn't a belief in multiculturalism make one definitionally NOT a nihilist? Just sayin'. Do go on, Bill.

sexual libertines seek to upend the cultural order by attacking religion;

Unless you're referring to the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence*, I have no idea what you're talking about. Who is attacking religion while being a sexual libertine. I think sexual libertinism would take up so much of one's time that one would not have much opportunity to attack religion.

activist left-wing legal groups try to scrub society free of

the public expression of religion;

Yeah, not true. The ACLU, et al have no problem with you or anyone else expressing your religious views publicly. The ACLU in particular would fight any effort to keep you from doing just that. That is what they do. What they object to is the use of public funds and publicly-owned land for religious expression. They like the idea of the separation of church and state. And so should you, by the way, because if the US of A ever did decide to pick a state-sponsored religion, you can bet that it won't be Catholicism. There are way more Protestants around. But don't worry, the ACLU will be there to prevent Protestants from persecuting Catholics should that day ever come. It's what they do.

elements in the Democratic party demonstrate an animus against Catholicism;

Really? You know John Kerry, Pat Leahy, Ted Kennedy, Bob Casey, Chris Dodd, Joe Biden, Dick Durbin, Tom Harkin, Nancy Pelosi, Hilda Solis, John Dingell, Charles Rangel, and Dennis Kucinich are all Catholic. And there are more, lots more. Check it out.(LINK)

and secular-minded malcontents within Catholicism and Protestantism seek to sabotage their religion from the inside.

What makes people like Bill Donohue so paranoid? Why do you think everyone's out to get you, Bill? Do you really believe that there are discontented catholics who think to themselves, "I should just quit this church, but no! I will remain in the pew and take down this whole organization from the inside! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!" Do you know how ridiculous you sound?

Ok, that's one paragraph. Just the first paragraph of Bill's diatribe. And I left a little out. And I'm already exhausted. Let me take a quick kitten break.

AWWWWWW!!!!!

Oh, well hello to you too, little fella!









AAAA!!!! (squeal like a schoolgirl) That did it! I'm re-born! I'm ready to plunge back into the demented world of Bill Donohue!

Ok, you were saying, Bill?

Yesterday's radicals wanted to tear down the economic structure of capitalism and replace it with socialism, and eventually communism.

Oh, my God! Bill Donohue accidentally wrote something that is correct. There actually have been radicals who have wanted to replace capitalism with socialism or communism. Good job, Bill! Keep it going!

Today's radicals are intellectually spent: they want to annihilate American culture, having absolutely nothing to put in its place.

Oh, well it was nice while it lasted.

Seriously Bill, that's just too ridiculous even for you. Who are these people who want to annihilate American culture and replace it with. . . .nothing? Who do you think wants that? Come on, you should be able to at least name just one of these people.

In that regard, these moral anarchists are an even bigger menace than the Marxists who came before them.

Because they're imaginary!!!!!

Sexual libertines, from the Marquis de Sade to radical gay activists, have sought to pervert society by acting out on their own perversions. What motivates them most of all is a pathological hatred of Christianity.

I think what motivated the Marquis de Sade was his raging boner. I'm pretty sure that all sexual libertines are motivated by their libidos. They probably aren't throwing orgies and key parties (look it up!) with invitations reading "Come to Bob and Jane's house Friday night for a big let's-hate-Jesus-festival."

So, Jim how was the orgy last night?

Oh, it was great! We really stuck it to those Catholics! Western civilization is bound to fall any day now!
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!

They know, deep down, that what they are doing is wrong, and they shudder at the dreaded words, "Thou Shalt Not." But they continue with their death-style anyway.

Because deep down, everyone has the same mores as Bill Donohue. Most of us just don't know it yet. But the libertines, they know. They just manage to repress it long enough to finish the orgy.

Secular saboteurs have often seized the arts to make a statement. That's why the blasphemous often tracks the obscene: if the goal is to put an artistic dagger into the heart of culture, then it makes sense to use all the ammo available by attacking the sacred.

That's why there's a bazillion-dollar porn industry in the San Fernando Valley. There's such a large assortment of people who are ready and eager to get naked and screw on camera if it means the destruction of that Goddamned western civilization.

I will not have sex on camera! I'm not that kind of girl!

C'mon, baby! If you do, you'll be plunging a dagger into the heart of American culture!

Well, why didn't you say so? In that case, I'm willing to sacrifice my dignity for such a noble cause!

There was a time when Hollywood made reverential movies about Christianity. But those days are long gone.

Now, Hollywood chooses to try to make movies that will make money instead.

And when someone finally makes a film that makes Christians proud,
he is run out of town.

That has never happened. Never, not once, not ever. You made that up. Who has been run out of town? No one, that's who. You're just making shit up.

Were it not for Mel Gibson, there would have been no "Passion of the Christ." But for every Harvey Weinstein who likes to bash Catholics, there is always someone else waiting in the wings to do the same.

So you've just decided to give up on the whole trying-to-make-sense thing? Yes, Mel Gibson made "The Passion." Was he run out of town? No! Even after his anti-Semitic, drunken rant he was not run out of town. The next sentence about Harvey Weinstein just doesn't follow. It's like a bad edit. I think you're running out of steam, better wrap this up.

Catholics were once the mainstay of the Democratic Party;
now the gay activists are in charge.

Which is why gay marriage has been legalized and "don't ask, don't tell" has been repealed. Oh, wait! neither of those things has happened! But if the gay activists are running the party with majorities in both houses and the presidency, you'd think. . . . oh never mind. If Bill says it it must be true!

Indeed, practicing Catholics are no longer welcome in leadership roles in the Party:

May I introduce to you Nancy Pelosi.
And John Kerry.
And Joe Biden.
Never mind, we've been over this already.

The fact that Catholics for Choice, a notoriously anti-Catholic front group funded by the Ford Foundation, has a close relationship with the Democrats says it all.

Catholics for Choice. Is Anti - Catholic. Catholics. . . . who are anti Catholic? How paranoid can you be? Why would the Ford Foundation waste its time and money trying to undermine the Catholic Church? Do you ever listen to yourself? Do you know how crazy you sound?

This goes on for a while, but seriously, I don't have the strength. You can read the whole crazy mess here if you're interested. I'm going to just skip to the end.

The culture war is up for grabs. The good news is that religious conservatives continue to breed like rabbits, while secular saboteurs have shut down: they're too busy walking their dogs, going to bathhouses and aborting their kids.

Okay, what decad is this? There are no more bathhouses! They were all shut down in the '80s during the AIDS panic. And what do you have against dog-walking? Catholics don't walk their dogs? Because they're too busy fucking all the time? (to make more Catholic babies, certainly not for any enjoyment!)

Are you sure you're not a Colbert show character?

Really?











*

The Crazy Lady has Too Much Time On her Hands

The crazy lady is named Debbie Schlussel.

And when Debbie is not busy modeling her biker mama - sheriff of Israel vest,













Or cuddling with Sean Hannity,











She has her own website. Which people read. Really!

And she writes about important things.

Like Tinkerbell.


The Disney character.


Really.


See, this is the way most of us remember Tinkerbell :



Tiny skirt, bare legs, low-cut top, really not the sort of outfit you'd want to wear if you were going to be flying overhead, am I right, ladies? Also, not an outfit you would want to wear if you would like to not be mistaken for an underaged sex worker.













So Disney decided to give Ms Bell a new outfit for their latest straight-to -video masterpiece.



Seems reasonable, right?

Now she can fly around in a non-hoohoo-exposing skirt, and not have to worry about popping out of her top. Seems like people should be happy that their little daughters get to see aTinkerbell who isn't always half-naked.







But no.

Reasonable? Debbie Schlussel doesn't do reasonable.

To Debbie Schlussel, the new outfit represents some sort of triumph of the pro-gay Muslim feminist agenda? or something? Idon't know. let's let Ms Schlussel explain her objection to a cartoon character's outfit.

Tinkerbell Gone Butch: Disney Revamps Glamorous Nymph Into Tomboy

By Debbie Schlussel

Either Disney is trying to appease “modest” Muslims or they’ve gone the way of the rest of Hollywood and are trying to make their feminine characters more masculine.

Right, because when you are making a sequel to Peter Pan, your primary target market is the hijab-wearing observant Muslim demographic.

And, clearly Hollywood is making female characters more masculine. Why just look at these recent films!

Yeah, what a bunch of butchy tomboys are coming out of Hollywood these days. Cooking, falling in love with vampires, wearing animal-print dresses. How can you even tell the boys from the girls anymore?

Either way, the new and unimproved uniform and image of Tinker Bell leaves a lot to be desired from the formerly cute and feminine minidress clad nymph.

Right, the new Tinkerbell is so not cute! You know, except that she is. But clearly she oughta be showing more skin. Come on, Tinkerbell, the guys aren't paying to see you act!

The new image is butch and silly.

I'll give you silly, seeing as how her outfit is made of leaves, but butch? Really? Because she's not flitting around in a skirt that would make a hooker blush, that makes her "butch"? Really?

Gone is the cute strapless green dress, the magic wand, and very visible angel wings.

As you stated moments ago, Tinkerbell is a nymph. Not an angel.

Gone are the girly shoes, and now, instead, there are lace up boots reminiscent of the Jolly Green Giant, Robin Hood, or an elf. No, your mother doesn’t wear hiking boots. Your Tinker Bell does.

Yes my mother does wear hiking boots. When she's hiking. You got a problem with that?

And what Tinkerbell is wearing are hardly hiking boots. Have you ever seen hiking boots with pom-poms on them?

Oh, and now, there’s this stupid-looking visor/hat contraption, which I predict will, someday in the future, morph into a hijab.

Wow. I predict that you will never predict anything correctly ever. And a lot of women wear visors. Go watch a softball game sometime. The visor keeps the sun out of her eyes without giving her "hat-head."

Disney said it wanted to give “Tink” a tomboyish look. Uh, talk about overdoing it. The new Tinker Bell could be dating Rosie O’Donnell.

Right, because any woman who dresses in a practical outfit is obviously a big ol' lesbian! And so what if she were? (I prefer to think of cartoon characters as asexual, but since you brought it up) What if Tinkerbell had a crush on Wendy instead of Peter? How would that be any of your business? Tinkerbell is entitled to have a private life!

There’s nothing wrong with rebranding something to keep up with the times, but turning a charming, cute girly character into some masculine, butch action star is stupid. Unless your audience is strictly WNBA.

Because every woman who has ever played sports is a total lesbian!

Honestly, you really think this:

is butch and masculine?

If you’re a parent who thinks the new covered up version is a welcome change in a sexualized world, think again.

No, don't. You got it right the first time, parent. Why exactly should we think again?

. . . .think again. Tinker Bell has been wearing a skimpy dress for decades

And this is relevant how? Cartoons featured characters in blackface for decades, should that also not have been allowed to change?

Tinker Bell has been wearing a skimpy dress for decades (watch the slide show). That’s what nymphs who fly around with magic wands do. This isn’t about modesty, or she’d be wearing baggy clothes and they wouldn’t have been in talks with a porn star [Paris Hilton]to play her.

I don't know how to break this to you, but nymphs who fly around with magic wands are imaginary! So there really is no data to support your claim. You might imagine nymphs flying around half-naked, I would imagine them wearing jet packs and space suits. Also, it may surprise you to learn that porn stars are capable of being fully dressed. Remember that show Roseanne? The waitress who worked in Rosanne's sandwich shop? That was infamous porn star Traci Lords. She was in several episodes and not once did she disrobe or perform any lewd acts on camera. I'm quite sure that if Disney had signed Paris Hilton to play the part of Tinkerbell, they would have supplied her with appropriate wardrobe.

This isn’t about putting your girls in a less sexually-saturated world. It’s about putting them in a more emasculated one, where the men are girls and the Tinker Bells are men.

Seriously? You think the disney corporation is part of some evil plot to emasculate the world? (since just over half the world's population is female, I'm not really sure how that would work) And how did the men become girls? Did they also change Peter Pan's outfit? Did they make it somehow gayer than the original?

And that’s never a good thing. As I always say, matriarchical societies die. They simply don’t have staying power.

Okay, if you're going to make a claim like that, you really have to have some evidence to back it up. Where is your research? The fact that you always say something doesn't make it true. And neither does the fact that to you it seems like it should be or must be true because it fits in with your peculiar ideology.

And by the way, every society dies out eventually. Seen any Etruscans lately? When's the last time you met an Inca or a Babylonian?

Matriarchal societies (and yes, the word is matriarchal, not matriarchical) have no staying power? Well, if most women were like debbie Schlussel, then that would probably be true. But if you had smart women in charge, women like, say Hilary Clinton, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, etc. I'd have to think that things would go just fine. How much worse could they do than the guys?

Butch Disney characters for girls is not a positive development.

And we know this because Debbie Schlussel has declared it to be so. You know, Deb, I have 3 nieces and I would way rather have them look up to WNBA players than a half-naked nymph. Although I would rather they saw the cartoon nymph as a role model rather than someone like you.

Three People Who Ruin Sports

#1) Chris Berman, ESPN

No matter how exciting the highlight, it can still be ruined by Berman. It's like sitting at a sports bar next to a drunk. A drunk with a painfully low IQ. And a mild case of Tourette's.
The insipid nicknames, the inability to string together a coherent sentence, the fact that he refers to himself as "the Schwamm" when making his football predictions. And who the fuck told this doofus that it is clever or charming or interesting to shout He! Could! Go! All! The! Way!
Honestly, as soon as I see his dumbfuck mug on screen, I can't hit the mute button fast enough!

#2) Dick Vitale, ABC

"dipsy-doo dunkaroo"
"diaper dandy"
"P.T.P. -Prime time player!"
The Dickie V-ism's may be even more egregious than Berman's idiotic nickname obsession. Plus, Vitale never ever speaks at a normal volume. He shouts like he's being mauled by a bear whether he's describing a spectacular play or exhorting one of the coaches to "call a time out Bay-Bee!!! You need a T.O. Bay-bee!!!" Ech!

















#3) Jim Rome

Like the frat boy who never grew up, Jim Rome just can't open his mouth without making me want to punch him. He first came to public attention for referring to Rams quarterback Jim Everett as "Chris Everett." (Ha! Brilliant!) then staging a phony sort-of half-assed "fight" with Jim. Somehow he ended up with his own show on ESPN, where he talks like he is being strangled, uses douchey terms like "smackdown" "punked" and "cred," and refers to his callers as "clones." He refers to Albuquerque as "Al-butt-crack-ee." He refers to himself as "the pimp in the box." Basically, just an all-around tool.



There are probably more people out there who ruin sports, but these three are the first that come to mind.
And I love sports. So it takes a lot of awful to ruin them for me.

Caturday Night's All Right for Fightin'

Caturday, Caturday, Caturday!
Caturday Caturday!
Caturday Night's All Right!
All Right All Riiiight,
OOHH OOHH OOH!

What Time Zone is La In? The 19th Century?

Interracial Couple Denied Marriage License in Louisiana

When I saw this headline, I just assumed that the Justice of the peace was going to at least try to claim that race was not the reason that he refused to marry this couple.
But no. This is Louisiana, and apparently over there, it's still perfectly acceptable to say "of course I ain't gonna marry no race-mixin' couple."

Keith Bardwell, justice of the peace in Tangipahoa Parish, says it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.

Of course, neither do most same-race marriages, but why dwell on the little details?

"I don't do interracial marriages because I don't want to put children in a situation they didn't bring on themselves," Bardwell said. "In my heart, I feel the children will later suffer."

Oh, the suffering!

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

I think it's safe to say that the phrase "I'm not a racist. . ." has never been spoken by anyone who is not a racist.
Just like "Hey, I take care of my kids" has never been spoken by anyone who is actually taking care of his kids. (one of the many things I've learned from watching Judge Judy)

And " I have a twisted / sick sense of humor" has never been spoken by anyone with a sick or twisted sense of humor. Here's a hint. If you have a sick sense of humor, other people will tell you you have a sick sense of humor. And you will not believe them, you will think that your sense of humor is perfectly normal. I have known a couple of people with sick senses of humor, and when someone says to them "dude, that's just wrong," they always respond "What? Come on, that's funny!" See, twisted people don't know that they are twisted. Crazy people don't know that they are crazy. That's why "I'm crazy!" has neber been spoken by a crazy person. Crazy people think that they are sane. They really believe that the CIA is putting messages in their heads, or that they have been abducted by aliens, or that Glenn Beck is making sense.

But I digress.

Hey, Keith Bardwell. If you keep black people in piles, they're probably not really your friends. I have to think they would probably resent you for piling them up. And if you think that we're supposed to be impressed that you let the colored folk use your bathroom, then I have to think that yeah, yeah you are a racist.