Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Chuck Norris Dildo Update

Let's check in with Chuck Norris and see if he's still a dildo.

http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Politics/Images/chuck-norris-with-guns.jpg



White House vs. Boy Scouts, Part 1




Well, he's still writing for WingNut daily, so he's probably still a dildo, but let's check his column just in case
(Editor's note: This is Part 1 of a three-part series on the White House and the Boy Scouts. In Parts 2 and 3, Norris will not only give further proof concerning how the Obama administration is creating an arm's-length relationship with the BSA, but show how President Obama's advocacy of the BSA compares to the past 100 years of U.S. presidents.)


because, you know, who cares about healthcare or Afghanistan, the true measure of a chief executive is his relations with the Boy Scouts of America!

Over the past months, a widely circulated e-mail has reported that President Obama is not signing Eagle Scout certificates, which only 4 to 5 percent of Boy Scouts attain. Categorically, Internet watchdog sites like Snopes.com and TruthOrFiction.com have classified the claims as "hogwash." But I have found a steady stream of White House whitewashing when it comes to the Boy Scouts of America.


Snopes and TruthOrFiction have labeled this claim hogwash, but that doesn't fit with my central thesis, so they can be dismissed out of hand.

"No Eagle recognition letters have been received this year from the president," said Richard Meyers, who attained his Eagle rank in 1957 during the Eisenhower presidency and is now assistant scoutmaster for troop 162 in Arlington County, Va.


And if you are the Assistant Scoutmaster for Troop 162, you know everything that has happened throughout the entire BSA organization this year. Nothing happens without the okay of assistant scoutmaster for troop 162!

So why the tardiness? The BSA says the primary reason was due to an administrative delay authorizing the president's signature – something they say occurs every time there's a change in the presidency.


Okay, that clears it up. If you're a normal person. I'm going to go ahead and guess, though that it doesn't clear things up for Chuck.

Fascinating how I don't recall any "administrative delay" with the host of presidential signatures on a wide variety of issues and legislation from Obamacare, further stem-cell research, additional federal liberties for abortions or increasing the U.S. debt to bailout banks, the car industry, Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, etc.


Yes, because the presidential signature on major legislation is exactly the same as signing certificates proving that Jimmy put up with inappropriate contact from scoutmaster bob all the way through high school. Also, the banks were bailed out during the Bush Administration, and abortion has been legal in this country since 1973, but whatever.

Obama became the honorary president of the BSA way back on March 3, 2009 – an event that was done almost completely in secret in the Oval Office. Since President William Howard Taft in 1910, U.S. presidents have proudly fulfilled the position of honorary president of the BSA. But neither the honor nor event was highlighted in any official White House communication. Nothing said at the March 3 White House briefing. Nothing noted anywhere on the White House official website.


Gosh, why would Obama soft-pedal his association with the Boy Scouts? Well, I think I'll let you answer this one yourself, Chuck.


To be frank, I think Obama's delay in signing Eagle Scout certificates has more to do with White House political correctness and establishing an arm's-length relationship with the BSA than it has to do with any simple "administrative delay," especially when a series of lawsuits have been levied against the BSA because of its stand against atheists, agnostics and homosexuals.


Oh, right. Maybe he wasn't real super-proud to be the honorary president of an organization with an official policy of homophobia and religious intolerance.

http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/dailyweekly/assets_c/2009/11/Boy%20Scout%20Helping%20Cub%20Scout%20Tie%20Knot-thumb-200x267.jpgNo Gays Allowed!
On the other hand, on that single day of March 3, 2009, the White House considered all the rest of the following events as newsworthy enough to post on its official website: . . . "Remarks of the president to commemorate the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior."
Yet, not a peep mentioned about the president's acceptance of BSA's honorary presidency. Could it be the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior ranked of higher importance than Obama's acceptance of the BSA's position in its 100th year of celebration?


How could a major Department of the Federal Government be more important than a bunch of boys in neckercheifs going camping?

For years, I've signed and sent out hundreds of Eagle Scout recognition letters. And I've personally known a host of Boy Scouts, Eagle Scouts and other Boy Scout leadership.
http://thechumslick.com/media/users/sharky/7.24.08-uglytoes4.jpg

Okay, that's creepy. What the hell are you doing hanging out with Boy Scouts? And if you're signing these letters, I could see where the President wouldn't want to put himself on the level of a washed-up B-movie actor who's taken a bunch of blows to the head.

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A Joke told to me by my friends' 5-year-old daughter

Adorable 5-year-old: Why did the chicken throw butter out of the window?

Me: Um, I don't know?

Adorable 5-year-old: Because he wanted to catch a painting!

Me: Fuck, dude! You just blew my mind!

Adorable 5-year-old: It's really more of a Zen Koan than a traditional riddle.

Me: No, yeah, I get it. I totally get it. It's like surrealist humor.

Adorable 5-year-old: Yeah, I'm glad you caught that. It was kind of a hat tip to Andre' Breton.

Me: I saw it as more of an audio tribute to Marcel Duchamp.

Adorable 5-year-old: I don't know who that is. I'm only five!

Okay, some of that was embellished, but that really was the riddle she told me. And it did have a sort of quasi-Zen feel to it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Crazy Candidate of the Day -- Gubernatorial Edition

Today's crazy candidate is Minnesota's own Rob Hahn



Despite his mezmerizing, hypnotic eyes and robotic serial-killer grin, Rob's positions really don't seem crazy at all.
here's a sampling from his website:

Tax Reform

Provide tax incentives to businesses that hire new employees, reduce the capital gains tax to encourage more investment in start-up companies at a time banks aren’t lending much money and consider raising income tax on the “über rich.”

Riverboat Gambling

Iowa, Illinois and Indiana all profit from riverboat gambling, and we should do the same. Up and down the Mississippi River and elsewhere, this could generate new revenue ($400-600 million a year), create jobs and promote tourism.

Family Law Reform

Joint Physical Custody – shared parenting time defined as greater than 45% for both parents - should be the legal presumption. Children have the right to have shared time with BOTH parents.

Legalize Marijuana

For medicinal purposes, absolutely. Maybe for other forms of use. Loads of potential tax revenue from legalizing all marijuana, and some would argue the war on marijuana has been lost.

Same Sex Marriages

Yes. This is a human and civil rights issue, not a religious issue. Legalize them or get out of the marriage business and just issue union licenses to everyone.


I think if I lived in Minnesota, I might vote for this guy. But unfortunately, he lost out in the race for the Independant Party nomination. And his response was to put out this video:



You know, Rob, you had me then you lost me.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Terry Savage Terrorizes Little Girls - - For America!

What is it with people named "Savage?" Apparently this Terry Savage is setting out to prove she can be just as big a prick as Micheal Savage (nee Micheal Weiner, swear to God)

http://wellsy.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/savage.jpg

There is no 'free' lemonade

In giving drink away, girls ignore rules of economics -- and sum up what's wrong with U.S.

July 5, 2010

The three young girls -- under the watchful eye of a nanny, sitting on the grass with them -- explained that they had regular lemonade, raspberry lemonade, and small chocolate candy bars.

Then my brother asked how much each item cost.

"Oh, no," they replied in unison, "they're all free!"

Gee, that seems nice. SEEMS nice!

I sat in the back seat in shock. Free? My brother questioned them again: "But you have to charge something? What should I pay for a lemonade? I'm really thirsty!"

His fiancee smiled and commented, "Isn't that cute. They have the spirit of giving."

That really set me off, as my regular readers can imagine.

"No!" I exclaimed from the back seat. "That's not the spirit of giving. You can only really give when you give something you own. They're giving away their parents' things -- the lemonade, cups, candy. It's not theirs to give."

And right about now, the fiancee starts to tremble as she realizes what a carnival sideshow of a family she's marrying into.


See full size image


I pushed the button to roll down the window and stuck my head out to set them straight.

"You must charge something for the lemonade," I explained. "That's the whole point of a lemonade stand. You figure out your costs -- how much the lemonade costs, and the cups -- and then you charge a little more than what it costs you, so you can make money. Then you can buy more stuff, and make more lemonade, and sell it and make more money."

"Brushing aside the fact that it was none of my goddamned business how these kids wanted to run their little stand," she did not add.


I was confident I had explained it clearly. Until my brother, breaking the tension, ordered a raspberry lemonade. As they handed it to him, he again asked: "So how much is it?"

And the girls once again replied: "It's free!" And the nanny looked on contentedly.

No wonder America is getting it all wrong when it comes to government, and taxes, and policy.


Yes, it's all your fault, little girls with free lemonade!

http://www.desicomments.com/graphics/sorry/40.jpg

If we can't teach our kids the basics of running a lemonade stand, how can we ever teach Congress the basics of economics?


Because a large group of educated adults is pretty much the same as three little girls just trying to do something nice. And did it ever occur to you that maybe they weren't trying to run a business? maybe they weren't so stupid as to think that they were running a business and just didn't get why profits were down? Maybe they were just trying to do something nice. And yes, they're technically giving away their parents' stuff, but did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, the parents were in on it? That when the three little cherubs explained their idea to mom and dad, maybe the parents might have said "Yes, that's a great idea! Here, take these lemons and this bag of sugar and these cups and go brighten peoples day. I willingly contribute these items to your project and do not expect to turn a profit, for I wish to see my children act in the spirit of kindness and generosity, not naked capitalistic greed. And how I raise my children, and the values I choose to instill in them is certainly not the business of some asshole columnist who thinks that profit should be the only motive for anything people do ever. Also, the right of parents to raise their children in the manner they see fit used to be considered a conservative family value, but I guess this new crop of conservatives really have no values." Did it eber occur to you that they might have said that?

Also, there's a serious flaw in your logic. If you want to follow this Ayn Rand, greed is good, selfishness is a virtue philosophy, then you should only buy lemonade if you are thirsty. You shouldn't be buying lemonade in order to benefit someone else by reinforcing their spirit of entrepreneurialism. If you are following your own philosophy, you don't stop the car unless you want lemonade for yourself, either to slake your own thirst or to entertain your taste buds. And if the kids are suckers enough to give it away for free, you should not hesitate to take advantage.
But that would be intellectually honest. And consistent. And those are not the marks of a true Savage.

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Crazy Candidate of the Day - Wagering Edition

Ladies and Gentlemen, place your bets!



Get your office pool started now. How long before this guy gets caught fellating a male escort?