Voyage of the Damned

The National Review is hosting a cruise!
Usually, cruises are fun, but this cruise is, shall we say, unusual?
They have a whole bunch of Speakers!
Here's your headliner:

Karl Rove



But wait, there's more!

Phyllis Schlafly
(apparently still alive, but I wouldn't bet money on it. This has "weekend at Bernie's"
written all over it)

Jonah Goldberg


Bernie Goldberg
(apparently, Lucianne Goldberg was unavailable)


Andrew Breitbart

And the list goes on. Now, it's gonna set you back a few thou for this sneak preview of Hell, but I think I can approximate the experience here for free. Here goes:

Hi, welcome aboard Satan's Shit-boat Cruise Lines. I see you'll be sharing a stateroom with Charles Manson. What? No, not that Charles Manson! Boy, he gets that a lot. No, don't worry, this isn't Charles Manson the murderer. This is Charles Manson the pack of incontinent howler monkeys with boundary issues.

So, here's your itinerary, we'll be making stops at Razor-sand Beach, Syphilis Bay, and the Island of Inappropriate Stepfathers. Oh, and of course, Fire Island. Gay? No, not that Fire Island! This is an Island that is actually on fire. You'll go ashore and spend the night there.

We also make a short visit to the Men's room of the Minneapolis Airport, where you'll meet our special guest. (he's a Senator!) Then on to Sodomy Creek, The River Styx, the Sea of Despair, and the Jersey Shore.

Oh, and you'll love our activities! There's being locked in a closet, Eric Massa's special massages, and watching MTV!
No, we don't have swimming with dolphins, but we do offer having your limbs fed to Orcas. Oh, it's wonderful. Those magnificent creatures really put on a show!

And don't forget to check out our all-you-can-eat bread and water buffet!

Crazy Candidate of the Day -- Incumbent edition

It's Rep. Sue Myrick (R-NC) with her crackpot theory about Mexican Hezbollahs or something:



So, let me see if I got this straight, Hezbollah doesn't have enough to do in Syria, so they're going to Venezuela, learning Spanish, then sneaking in to the US to do evil deeds. And they think that if they are stopped by Border Patrol, the smart thing to say is "I'm Mexican!" Oh, you're Mexican? Sorry to bother you senor! Go right on ahead. Here I was worried that you might be one of those Syrians who keep sneaking into San Diego. No, we Border Patrol types welcome Mexicans!

Also, you need to be trained in linguistics to be able to distinguish between Arabic and Spanish? Really? I guess if you think all them foreign languages sound perty much alike to you, and all them sorta brownish people look the same, then you might have trouble telling the difference between a Middle Eastern terrorist and a Mexican migrant.

Also, whenever someone begins with "when you start putting the pieces together. . ." you can just go ahead and tune them out, because what's coming next is going to be a giant crock of craziness.

Chuck Norris Dildo Update

Let's check in with Chuck Norris and see if he's still a dildo.

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White House vs. Boy Scouts, Part 1

Well, he's still writing for WingNut daily, so he's probably still a dildo, but let's check his column just in case

(Editor's note: This is Part 1 of a three-part series on the White House and the Boy Scouts. In Parts 2 and 3, Norris will not only give further proof concerning how the Obama administration is creating an arm's-length relationship with the BSA, but show how President Obama's advocacy of the BSA compares to the past 100 years of U.S. presidents.)

because, you know, who cares about healthcare or Afghanistan, the true measure of a chief executive is his relations with the Boy Scouts of America!

Over the past months, a widely circulated e-mail has reported that President Obama is not signing Eagle Scout certificates, which only 4 to 5 percent of Boy Scouts attain. Categorically, Internet watchdog sites like Snopes.com and TruthOrFiction.com have classified the claims as "hogwash." But I have found a steady stream of White House whitewashing when it comes to the Boy Scouts of America.

Snopes and TruthOrFiction have labeled this claim hogwash, but that doesn't fit with my central thesis, so they can be dismissed out of hand.

"No Eagle recognition letters have been received this year from the president," said Richard Meyers, who attained his Eagle rank in 1957 during the Eisenhower presidency and is now assistant scoutmaster for troop 162 in Arlington County, Va.

And if you are the Assistant Scoutmaster for Troop 162, you know everything that has happened throughout the entire BSA organization this year. Nothing happens without the okay of assistant scoutmaster for troop 162!

So why the tardiness? The BSA says the primary reason was due to an administrative delay authorizing the president's signature – something they say occurs every time there's a change in the presidency.

Okay, that clears it up. If you're a normal person. I'm going to go ahead and guess, though that it doesn't clear things up for Chuck.

Fascinating how I don't recall any "administrative delay" with the host of presidential signatures on a wide variety of issues and legislation from Obamacare, further stem-cell research, additional federal liberties for abortions or increasing the U.S. debt to bailout banks, the car industry, Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac, etc.

Yes, because the presidential signature on major legislation is exactly the same as signing certificates proving that Jimmy put up with inappropriate contact from scoutmaster bob all the way through high school. Also, the banks were bailed out during the Bush Administration, and abortion has been legal in this country since 1973, but whatever.

Obama became the honorary president of the BSA way back on March 3, 2009 – an event that was done almost completely in secret in the Oval Office. Since President William Howard Taft in 1910, U.S. presidents have proudly fulfilled the position of honorary president of the BSA. But neither the honor nor event was highlighted in any official White House communication. Nothing said at the March 3 White House briefing. Nothing noted anywhere on the White House official website.

Gosh, why would Obama soft-pedal his association with the Boy Scouts? Well, I think I'll let you answer this one yourself, Chuck.

To be frank, I think Obama's delay in signing Eagle Scout certificates has more to do with White House political correctness and establishing an arm's-length relationship with the BSA than it has to do with any simple "administrative delay," especially when a series of lawsuits have been levied against the BSA because of its stand against atheists, agnostics and homosexuals.

Oh, right. Maybe he wasn't real super-proud to be the honorary president of an organization with an official policy of homophobia and religious intolerance.

No Gays Allowed!

On the other hand, on that single day of March 3, 2009, the White House considered all the rest of the following events as newsworthy enough to post on its official website: . . . "Remarks of the president to commemorate the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior."
Yet, not a peep mentioned about the president's acceptance of BSA's honorary presidency. Could it be the 160th anniversary of the Department of Interior ranked of higher importance than Obama's acceptance of the BSA's position in its 100th year of celebration?

How could a major Department of the Federal Government be more important than a bunch of boys in neckercheifs going camping?

For years, I've signed and sent out hundreds of Eagle Scout recognition letters. And I've personally known a host of Boy Scouts, Eagle Scouts and other Boy Scout leadership.

Okay, that's creepy. What the hell are you doing hanging out with Boy Scouts? And if you're signing these letters, I could see where the President wouldn't want to put himself on the level of a washed-up B-movie actor who's taken a bunch of blows to the head.

A Joke told to me by my friends' 5-year-old daughter

Adorable 5-year-old: Why did the chicken throw butter out of the window?

Me: Um, I don't know?

Adorable 5-year-old: Because he wanted to catch a painting!

Me: Fuck, dude! You just blew my mind!

Adorable 5-year-old: It's really more of a Zen Koan than a traditional riddle.

Me: No, yeah, I get it. I totally get it. It's like surrealist humor.

Adorable 5-year-old: Yeah, I'm glad you caught that. It was kind of a hat tip to Andre' Breton.

Me: I saw it as more of an audio tribute to Marcel Duchamp.

Adorable 5-year-old: I don't know who that is. I'm only five!

Okay, some of that was embellished, but that really was the riddle she told me. And it did have a sort of quasi-Zen feel to it.

Crazy Candidate of the Day -- Gubernatorial Edition

Today's crazy candidate is Minnesota's own Rob Hahn



Despite his mezmerizing, hypnotic eyes and robotic serial-killer grin, Rob's positions really don't seem crazy at all.
here's a sampling from his website:

Tax Reform

Provide tax incentives to businesses that hire new employees, reduce the capital gains tax to encourage more investment in start-up companies at a time banks aren’t lending much money and consider raising income tax on the “über rich.”

Riverboat Gambling

Iowa, Illinois and Indiana all profit from riverboat gambling, and we should do the same. Up and down the Mississippi River and elsewhere, this could generate new revenue ($400-600 million a year), create jobs and promote tourism.

Family Law Reform

Joint Physical Custody – shared parenting time defined as greater than 45% for both parents - should be the legal presumption. Children have the right to have shared time with BOTH parents.

Legalize Marijuana

For medicinal purposes, absolutely. Maybe for other forms of use. Loads of potential tax revenue from legalizing all marijuana, and some would argue the war on marijuana has been lost.

Same Sex Marriages

Yes. This is a human and civil rights issue, not a religious issue. Legalize them or get out of the marriage business and just issue union licenses to everyone.

I think if I lived in Minnesota, I might vote for this guy. But unfortunately, he lost out in the race for the Independant Party nomination. And his response was to put out this video:



You know, Rob, you had me then you lost me.