Monday, January 3, 2011

Attention Citizens Of Earth!

The following practices are to cease immediately:

1:
http://media.trb.com/media/photo/2007-01/27275102.jpg 

It's been what, 25 years since the New York Giants started dousing their coach with Gatorade to celebrate a win. Since then it's become the worst kind of cliche'. Even my high school team did it once. ONCE.  It's been done to death, you need to come up with something new. When you're the millionth person to do something, it's just not clever anymore.

2:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGz8h5bBadsZ4NtIjdcR_f_KF9TuszlCL0PpGvXqi-oJ6tUkpDzkQLha9ED_QNFgSg51vzkwgrCX_ZpxTtkj2K-Jg5cUyEKm3i6FU460NaoiffWqLb68XVzA1C7l4BbUed2KPAcEEMYB4/s1600/Little+Fockers+Movie+Poster.jpg 

We get it. His name is "Focker." It sounds kinda like "Fucker." We get it. It's just not funny. It wasn't funny the first time, what the hell makes you think it's going to be funny the hundredth time?

3:  The use of the pseudo-word "Ginormous" Unless you are a re-run of Elf with Will Ferrel, there is no excuse to use this moronic "word." The word "enormous" will do just fine.

4:
 http://blogs.cars.com/photos/mother_proof_april_08/stickfigures.jpg 

Nobody cares how many kids you have or what activities they enjoy. Okay, your friends and relatives might, but they already know. The guy behind you at the stop sign doesn't. What is the purpose of this?  And then there are the people who put the kids' names along with the stick figures.

http://www.foogazi.com/pictures/car-sample1.jpg

Now that is something that some people may be interested in. Mainly guys like this:

http://modernvespa.com/pix/uploads/pedophile_van_937.jpg




 If you wish to maintain your standing in the community of planets you will cease these activities immediately. That is all.

Friday, December 31, 2010

We Have A Winner!

Disgrace 2010

With one day left in the competition, Michele Bachmann (R-Insania) has just put herself over the top for Public Disgrace of the year 2010!

The award is given to the person who does the most to bring disgrace upon our fair nation and the voters who put him or her in a position of responsibility.

Other nominees included

Steve King
http://thinkprogress.org/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/schipking3.jpg

Sam Brownback
http://thinkprogress.org/wp-content/uploads/2006/07/brownbacksign.jpg

And perennial contender James Inhofe
http://thinkprogress.org/wp-content/uploads/2006/07/inhofe.jpg
Besides just being Michele Bachmann, which is disgraceful enough, our winner has produced a steady series of stupid, crazy and paranoid quotations the like of which we haven't seen from an elected official since Jim Bunning last went off his meds.

A few highlights include:

I want to thank Governor Palin for breaking the barrier by being a woman as a vice president on the ticket.

I had a great career as a federal tax attorney, and I don’t need government to be successful.

During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed … The government spent its wad by April 26.


But now the topper. Michele explains how she became a Republican:
.
Until I was reading this snotty novel called 'Burr,' by Gore Vidal, and read how he mocked our Founding Fathers. And as a reasonable, decent, fair-minded person who happened to be a Democrat, I thought, 'You know what? What he's writing about, this mocking of people that I revere, and the country that I love, and that I would lay my life down to defend -- just like every one of you in this room would, and as many of you in this room have when you wore the uniform of this great country -- I knew that that was not representative of my country.

And at that point I put the book down and I laughed. I was riding a train. I looked out the window and I said, 'You know what? I think I must be a Republican. I don't think I'm a Democrat.'

I always love when people proclaim that they would gladly lay down their life for their country. Those people have almost never served in the military. I always want to say "hey, there's an Army recruitment Center just down the street, let's go get you signed up!" I always think of that when I hear the Gawdawful song "God Bless the USA."

http://i3.squidoocdn.com/resize/squidoo_images/-1/draft_lens2087616module10604668photo_1216856448Lee_Greenwood_God_Bless_The_USA_Lyrics.JPG http://blog.newsok.com/staticblog/files/2008/11/lee-greenwood.jpg

There's a line that says "I'd gladly stand up next to them [those who died for our freedom] and defend her still today," and I just want to forcibly enlist Lee Greenwood and anyone who sings that song in the Marine Corps. It's like  guy telling his wife, "I would die to protect you honey, oh shit! A mugger! Take her!" But I digress.

You seriously became a Republican because you thought Gore Vidal was a jerk? By that standard, shouldn't you have switched to another party when you found out that Mark Foley was hitting on teenage boys, or Duke Cunningham was taking bribes, or David Vitter likes kinky diaper-sex with hookers? Shouldn't you have said "Hey, I'm not a pederast, I'm not a hooker-fucker, I guess I'm not a Republican after all." I mean, if you're going to judge the entire Democratic party  by a book written by a man who is not even a political office-holder, shouldn't you apply the same standard to the Republicans? Shouldn't you have looked at Ronald Reagen and said "I'm not a senile incompetent who runs shocking deficits while preaching fiscal responsibility. I don't swap arms for hostages while looking America in the eye and vowing 'we will not negotiate with terrorists.' I haven't sold chemical weapons to Sadam Hussein or armed a bunch of Muslim radicals led by Osama bin Laden," I must not be a Republican."
But no. A book about Aaron Burr gets you upset enough to change parties, but 8 years of the corrupt incompetent Bush administration? That just strengthens your party loyalty? Now that's crazy. And stupid. And that is why Minnesota's own Michele Bachmann is the winner of the Public Disgrace of the Year Award for 2010. Great job, Minnesota. You must be so proud.

A Theology Lesson From Pat Robertson

VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) - Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today's broadcast of his 700 Club program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast "to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay."
 http://img.wonkette.com/assets/resources/2007/01/robertsonsatan.jpg
Explaining his theory, Rev. Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two."
Additionally, he argued, God shut down major airports in the New York area "so that people who were hoping to fly to do something of a gay nature would have to take a train or a bus, so it might be days before the gay thing they were going to do could occur."
So I believe the lessons we should learn here are:

1) God doesn't want you doing gay stuff in the winter. Wait until Spring to be abominations unto the Lord

2) God has a surprisingly weak grasp of American geography, sending a blizzard that completely bypassed the Castro, West Hollywood and Boys' Town.

http://www.wildonions.org/LN-NewTown.jpg 


3) When God wants to stop gay people from doing gay stuff, he has no way of targeting just them, he also has to prevent teachers from doing teacher stuff and doctors from doing doctor stuff, even preachers from doing preacher stuff.
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOOHWiy0TnTkNpBErHyNE8L9-VL-mQYjtiqvtWwEljkyKbyI9fY06ymalID-qpBaFS_thFTq0UZlbo4qwXgX2sxbr7gG2zXH-WvJjLNcjhW6vy-zg6_ubnWPeQ2zUam60gST3ulELTiCQ/s400/BoysTown.jpg 
(Boys' Town. See what I did there?)
4) God can't stop the gay, he can only hope to delay it for a couple of days.

5) This story is probably a parody, because if Pat Robertson had really said domething like this, he would probably have added something like "God can't smite all these bad people by himself, he wants you to send me whatever money you still have left to finance a gay-smiting mission."

6) The fact that people see this story and think it's probably true says a lot about what a horrible person Pat Robertson is.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Terrible Ad Campaigns -- Diamonds

One of the best things about Christmas being over is that we get a short reprieve from the onslaught of diamond commercials, at least until Valentine's Day. Every ad for diamonds seems to be based on a couple of awful assumptions.

1) Your wife or girlfriend can't possibly be expected to love you if you don't buy her diamonds.

2) If your husband or boyfriend isn't buying you diamonds, he probably doesn't really love you.

3) Women love sparkly things more than anything in the world.

4) What women like about getting engaged/married is not the whole "love" thing, it's the big sparkly diamond.

One of the worst offenders is KAY Jeweler's with their "every kiss begins with KAY" campaign. Only diamond jewelery will make a woman want to kiss you. If you buy her a non-diamond gift, get ready for a lot of smooch-free evenings!




You know, kids, it was nice of you to put all this time and effort into trying to make a special day for me, but diamonds! Now that's a real gift!

Then there's this ad, in which the woman is frightened by lightning and need shiny diamonds to calm her down. She's basically a parakeet in a tight sweater. Seriously, what grown woman is frightened by lightning? And needs a big strong dude to feel safe? If she was frightened by a burglar, that might make some sense, but how is the dude going to protect you from lightning? Which you don't need to be protected from because you're indoors. It's just ridiculous.



And then there's Jared. You may be lucky enough not to have Jared where you live, I never heard of them until I moved to Atlanta. But there campaign revolves around the phrase "He went to Jared!"




Oh, you've found the love of your life and you're getting married? Ho hum, zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh a bright shiny sparkly thing! Congratulations, you lucky girl!

On the other hand, if your fella didn't go to Jared, well, let's just say it's gonna be awfully lonely for him on that couch.



 Because what's the point of having a husband if he isn't supplying you with pretty, shiny baubles?

And I haven't seen one of these DeBeers ads for a while, but as I recall the basic plot is the lady marries the guy, has kids with him, puts up with them for 25 long horrible years, then finally she earns the shiny diamonds. With very suggestive music in the background. And I know, it's Handel or whoever, but I've always thought that that part of "Water Music" or whatever it is sounds a lot like sex building to a climax. Sorry if I ruined it for you. If I made it better, you're welcome!



Every year they trot out these ads and every year they make me crazy.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Worst Argument Ever Against DADT Repeal

So apparently, there is a website called (ironically enough) "The American Thinker." And apparently, this website employs someone known as "Robin of Berkeley." I can't find any pictures of Ms. OfBerkeley, so I will just go ahead and assume that this is a fairly accurate artist's rendition:


http://www.computerclipart.com/computer_clipart_images/insane_person_in_straight_jacket_0515-1007-0603-5227_SMU.jpg 
Anyway, here is Robin of Berkeley's resoned argument for keeping Don't Ask Don't Tell.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Repeal!

By Robin of Berkeley
The debate about repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," now passed into law, has triggered a long-repressed memory of mine from the '70s. 

Wow, a memory repressed for almost 30 years! It must have been horribly traumatic! Were you attacked by a gang of "wilding" youth? Witness a murder? Did you see terrible things in 'Nam?
  It was when I was hit on by a woman. 
Oh my God, that must have been horrible! Wait, what? When you say "hit on," do you mean she assaulted you? Tried to force you into sex? Groped you against your will? What horrible thing did this woman do?

I was changing in the locker room when one of the women in the class, Judy, stared at me lasciviously.  I automatically turned away and got the heck out of there.  
Um, yeah. Okay. That's what your subconscious repressed for almost 3 decades? Being looked at? 
I mean, granted, if that did really happen, I could see where that would make you uncomfortable. Of course, I'm used to it by now, being the insanely handsome devil that I am, but sure, I could see feeling a bit awkward. 
I felt unnerved, repelled.  Guys had looked at me that way.  And if I liked them, then I relished the attention.  But a girl eyeing at me that way?  That made me very uncomfortable.
Usually, this sort of paragraph is preceded by the phrase "Dear Penthouse Forum. . ."

http://files.blog-city.com/files/aa/31561/p/f/for0508_cover.jpg
At the time, my reaction proved beyond a shadow of a doubt to me that I was straight.  
You needed proof?   It's usually pretty easy to tell. I find women attractive, so I'm "straight." I don't really need to prove anything. You don't find women attractive, so you are also "straight." There's really no "proof" involved. And I have to assume the lesbian population of Berkeley isn't spending a whole lot of time mourning the loss. 
 Fortunately, at that time, there wasn't any peer pressure on youth, at least in that realm.  Back then, the media and the schools weren't pitching homosexuality. 
Okay, first of all, in what time period did you live in which there was no peer pressure? The Mesozoic? And secondly, who the hell is "pitching homosexuality?" And is that supposed to be a pseudo-clever "pitcher/catcher" joke?  'Cause it's been done to  death.
Seriously, though, who is "pitching homosexuality?" The media? I can't remember the last time I saw a  gay character on TV. Oh, wait, I saw a rerun of Will and Grace the other day. But somehow, I managed to not get turned gay! 
http://www.givememyremote.com/uploaded_images/will-751862.jpg 
ooh, that almost did it!
And I haven't been in a school for quite a while, but I think there would have been quite an uproar if the teachers were giving how to be gay lessons to the kids. Remember the hue and cry over "Heather Has Two Mommies?" Just having a book in the library that acknowledged that some people are gay was too much of an outrage for parents to tolerate. 

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDkBq8mtxxE31NiXv4DOwmSPlnB39MsODs-c3FqdZd0RLuxilNOk46tGDJN6Ko9-_QBmhyAoq4EJWvXyGj-nxijUX2R5bA4BDvGtb3Zj96zpP1rYzfHfy04lc6EEVx_AMrQMjvAiT69LwS/s320/heather_has_2_mommies.jpg 
 Of course, we live in different times.  If the same incident happens to a young girl today, she feels pressured to loosen up, lighten up, and experiment.  This is why polls show that an astounding number of girls from 13 to 21 have had least one lesbian encounter.  
Well, it's hard to argue against that kind of evidence. An astounding number, you say? Why I remember just a few years ago when it was merely a surprising number. Of course, in my day,  only a paltry number of teen girls had "lesbian encounters," so that proves, um, something? I guess? By the way, this is what I found about that "astounding number" using a research method known as "googling it":
(source)
You may have seen this amazing news headline: 1 in 10 Teens Has Had a Same-Sex Partner. The story on AOL Health begins this way:
Nearly one in ten teens has had a same-sex partner — double what previous research has shown, according to a surprising new study. . .
The only problem with this revelation is that it’s false. If the reporter for AOL had taken time to read just the abstract for the Pediatrics article she may have seen the heading “CONCLUSIONS” (in all caps) and noted this summary:
Of sexually active adolescents, 9.3% reported a same-sex partner, a higher estimate than other published rates.
AOL speaks of 1 in 10 teens; the original article concludes 9.3% of sexually active adolescents reported a same-sex partner. There’s a big difference. The survey analyzed data from 17,220 teenagers. Of those, 7,261 (or 42%) reported having had sex. So according this study 58% of teens are not having sex with anyone and 9.3% of those have, had same-sex partners, or 3.9% of the total sample.

Back in my day, it would have been odd for a girl to have a homosexual experience.  These days, the oddballs are the kids who don't give in to peer pressure. 
Um, the kids who don't give in to peer pressure have always been considered the "oddballs."  And by your logic, 94% of today's teens are "oddballs" who don't give in to peer pressure.

And the pressure is not just from other kids.  Television shows, magazine articles, even some teachers shout out the message to indulge in every possible sexual predilection.  Rather than "give peace a chance," the new national vibe is give hedonism a chance!
Yes, that's exactly what's happening. Teachers everywhere are inviting students to orgies and bondage clubs. That's it exactly. That's a totally realistic assumption.
So, anyway, what does your one encounter with someone who may have ogled you in a locker room ahve to do with our nation's military policies?


A couple of years ago, in my leftist days, I would have been a strong proponent of repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."  But now that I take a few moments to actually think about things, the commingling of out-of-the-closet gays and straights in our military seems like a disaster in the making.


Given the stresses of service -- long stretches away from family, depression, and loneliness, not to mention the adrenaline surge of war -- isn't it a potential problem for so much sexual tension to be circulating in the air? 

You know, it's not prison!
 http://www-movieline-com.vimg.net/images/assets_c/2010/12/phillipmorris_rev_1-thumb-500xauto-25404.jpg

They do get shore leave. They do have access to potential sexual partners of whichever gender they prefer.
Frankly, I'm even questioning whether men and women should serve together for long periods of time in such intimate circumstances.  Hasn't that alone led to unintended pregnancies and affairs?

No, serving together for long periods doesn't alone lead to unwanted pregnancies. You see, when a mommy and a daddy really love each other, and they want to make a baby. . . you know what, just ask your mom. 


Personally, I wouldn't like it one bit if I were stuck in a tent -- or a submarine -- with someone like Judy.  
I'm sure it wouldn't be a day at the beach for Judy, either. Of course, part of being in the military is doing things that you don't like one bit, like, say, getting shot at. Why should having to bunk with Judy be any different? "Sarge, I'll go charge that machine-gun nest at the top of the hill through the minefield, but I can't share a tent with Judy, she makes me feel uncomfortable."

Progressive readers will brand me a homophobe for saying what I'm saying.  I'm not homophobic, but I am a realist. 

Well, if that doesn't prove it, I don't know what does. Just like I may be afraid of heights, but I'm not an acrophobe.
  War creates a level of stress that we civilians cannot understand. 
But why should we let that stop us from opining on it?
It's not coincidental that most of the politicians voting to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"  have never served in the military themselves.
Well, I'm pretty sure that Admiral Mike Mullen did. I think General Colin Powell did also. And they both came out in support of the repeal. So did 70% of active duty troops who answered the Pentagon's survey. 
But I guess that doesn't mean a whole lot when stacked up against the fact that you once got ogled by a woman in a locker room.