1. Goddammit, I swore I would never write about Palin again. And yet, here I go.
2. Come on, NBC, have some fucking dignity. This horrible woman takes every opportunity to discredit the profession of journalism, constantly accusing you of bias, bad faith, and bearing false witness, not to mention just "makin' stuff up," and you reward her by feeding her insatiable lust for fame and attention? She's made no secret of her contempt for you, why lend her any of what remains of your credibility?
3. That stupid "Tweet." Going to go rogue and infiltrate some turf. You were invited on the show, you ridiculous imbecile! You're not infiltrating anything. You're selling out, and you're using the same weak rationale that every sellout has used, pretending that you're going to take them down from the inside, or whatever. Nobody's buying it.
Except maybe these paint-huffers.
4. The whole "oh my God, newspapers!" and "hey, I'm writing on my hand" schtick? I don't know whether to pity you or congratulate you on being self-aware enough to realize that you are a walking punchline of a self-parody.
5. You seriously have the balls to say this about Katie Couric? "And, frankly, I'm ecstatic we beat the 'perky one,'
The Perky One? Your whole shameful career is based on being the perky one. Your only political "skill" is your ability to say despicable, hateful things with a cutesy-poo smile and wink. You invented perky-as-substitute-for-anything-of-substance. The only reason Bill Kristol was smitten enough with you to twist McCain's arm to ad you to the ticket is your smarmy perkiness.
Human haircut and sedition enthusiast Rick Perry has yet to declare himself an official candidate for the presidency of the nation from which he would like to secede, but he's already off to a whiz-bang start!
First, he managed to snag the coveted endorsement of Bill "wrong with a smirk" Kristol.
Then he got a lot of publicity for sponsoring an event based around the idea that hey, there's nothing I can do to fix this nation's problems, we'd better all get together and pray real hard. Now that just inspires confidence.
Governor, this nation has big problems. You're in charge here, what are we gonna do?
Dang, I dunno. If I were you, I'd probably start prayin'!
It's called leadership, jerks. Look it up!
Of course, who would you call in to run a Prayer*Con but the horrible awful American Family Association?
According to the Houston Chronicle, AFA leader Tim Wildmon "acknowledged that a stated purpose of the August prayer event initiated by Perry - to pray for an end to the 'debasement of our culture' - refers to the increasing acceptance of homosexuality by American society."
Nice.
Anyway, the thing is being held in a football stadium, because what location could be more solemn or reverent?
On August 6, the nation will come together at Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas for a solemn gathering of prayer and fasting for our country.
Fasting, because if God won't listen to your prayers, a hunger strike will sure get his attention!
Also," Historic Response?" I guess that's true. Normally our political leaders' response to crises has been to try and do something about them, not to try and twist God's arm into doing it for us.
But really, why the fasting? Why would you think that God wouldn't want you to eat? God went to all the trouble to make apples and oranges and corn and cheeseburgers, I'm pretty sure he'd want you to eat. Imagine if you came home from work and your spouse had been slaving over a hot stove for the last couple of hours and you said, "no, I'm not going to eat anything. Sure, I'm hungry - I'm starving, but I'm not going to eat anything in the hopes that you will do me a big favor." I can tell you that wouldn't go over too well in the Chaos Compound.
(for the record, I would have been the one slaving over the hot stove in that hypothetical)
Anyway, you can imagine how much favor this is currying Governor Perry with the faith community.
Houston Clergy Council Opposes Rick Perry's 'Response' Prayer Rally
Um. . .
faith-based groups coordinate protest against prayer/fast by Perry, AFA
Oh. Uh-oh.
Well, in general, Rick Perry is not at all popular in his home state of Texas, where people are living with the consequences of electing a nutbag on the basis of hair quality and overall handsomeness.
The Next Mayor of Houston.
But Perry understands why he's not appreciated at home:
It's because he's too much like Jesus? Or something?
Really, if you're having trouble winning over the Christian vote, start by comparing yourself to Christ. That should do it.
Really, the "a prophet is not loved in his hometown" line, That's a paraphrase of one of Jesus's lines.
Quit Stealing my Material!
That's the kind of delusions of grandeur that would make Sarah Palin blush. No wonder Bill Kristol is sold on him!
And I'm never wrong!
No, wait. I mean always! Dammit!
So, I think it's safe to go ahead and call it right now, Ladies and gentlemen, the next president of the United States!
1) Know how I know that Anthony Weiner is innocent?
Because Andrew Breitbart is involved.
In the same way that if Hugh Heffner is involved with something, it's going to involve naked women, if Andrew Breitbart is involved, it's a dishonest slander. Not that that's going to keep CNN from having him on and pretending he hasn't been shown over and over again to be a baldfaced liar. Damn liberal media!
Honest to God, how does the coversation in the newsroom not go something like:
"Hey, a congressman is involved in some sort of dong-related scandal!"
"Oh, that could be big news, who's the source?"
"Oh, it's Breitbart, never mind."
You might as well report stories form The Onion. At least there's an off-chance that they might accidentally be true.
But no, you bring this pile of sleaze onto your show to spout even more scurrilous allegations about Rep. Weiner supposedly having "relationships with young women?"
Also: This guy?
This guy is getting lots of young women? This guy? Really?
2) Know how I know that Gov. Rick Perry has ZERO chance of ever being president?
Because Bill Kristol thinks he would be "formidable."
Remember the last wingnut governor that Kristol thought would be a powerful national political force?
How'd that work out again?
Oy. Don't remind me!
Oh, and also this:
“If [Hillary Clinton] gets a race against John Edwards and Barack Obama, she’s going to be the nominee. Gore is the only threat to her, then. … Barack Obama is not going to beat Hillary Clinton in a single Democratic primary. I’ll predict that right now.” —William Kristol, Fox News Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006
So, even if Gov. Perry hadn't flirted with the idea of secession, even if he hadn't done this:
Texas, which may balance its budget by firing thousands of teachers, plans to commit $25 million in state funds to Formula One auto racing each year for a decade.
Even if he didn't look like this:
He would still have no chance just because the laws of nature dictate that anything coming from the mouth of William Kristol is necessarily going to be incorrect. If God Himself had planned on making Rick Perry president, he would have to change his plans after hearing William Kristol put his stink on Perry.
Kristol said "formidable?"
Augh, now I have to send Perry to a crushing, humiliating defeat!
And so, despite his doubts and dithering, President Obama is taking us to war in another Muslim country. Good for him..
And he's not being sarcastic.
The president didn’t want this. He’s been so unhappy about such a possibility—so fearful of such an eventuality—that first he tied himself in knots trying to do nothing.
What a dick, trying to avoid additional bloodshed!
Then he decided that, if he had to act, it would be good to boast that he was merely following the Arab League and subordinating American action to the U.N. Security Council. After all, nothing—nothing!—could be worse than the perception that the United States was “invading” another Muslim country.
And why the quotes around the word invading?
Rubbish. Our “invasions” have in fact been liberations.
Seriously, you're still trotting out the liberation b.s.? We're still waiting to be greeted as liberators in Iraq.
We have shed blood and expended treasure in Kuwait in 1991, in the Balkans later in the 1990s, and in Afghanistan and Iraq—in our own national interest, of course, but also to protect Muslim peoples and help them free themselves. Libya will be America’s fifth war of Muslim liberation.
Since when do the neocons give a fuck about Muslim people? Does this sick little prick really think that anyone believes that the Republican party is willing to spend one red cent to liberate Muslims? The people they take every opportunity to demonize and villify?
The modern Republican party has played a key role in these honorable struggles. When in power, Republicans have taken the lead in fighting for liberty.
If by "fighting" you mean "sending other people's sons and daughters off to fight," then yeah, you may have a point.
When in opposition, they have sought to push Democratic presidents to act—in the Balkans, and today in Libya—
Oh, yeah, I remember how you guys pushed Clinton to act in the Balkans. I believe the refrain was "No War For Monica!"
We have supported Democratic presidents when they do exactly what we tell them to do. Well, "support" is a strong word.
On March 17, for example, a few hours before the Security Council voted on Libya, the House of Representatives considered a resolution offered by Rep. Dennis Kucinich, “Directing the President, pursuant to section 5(c) of the War Powers Resolution, to remove the United States Armed Forces from Afghanistan.”
God Bless Dennis Kucinich!
The Afghanistan war has had bipartisan support from the beginning. The beginning when it was supposed to be about getting Osama bin Laden? Sure, there was plenty of bipartisan support for that. For some reason, there might be a bit less support for keeping troops in Afghanistan indefinitely with no apparent goal.
The Afghanistan war has had bipartisan support from the beginning. The Obama administration and the GOP leadership were both opposed to Kucinich’s resolution
Which probably tells you all you need to know about the supposed lefty/liberal Obama administration.
Kucinich’s resolution—which called not merely for timetables or draw downs, but for the simple and absolute removal of U.S. forces from Afghanistan. Yet close to half the Democrats in the House of Representatives voted for retreat and defeat.
The other half voted to continue to feed our soldiers into the meat grinder of Afghanistan for no earthly goddamned good reason? Who are these assholes?
And the Republicans? 222 to 8 against withdrawal
So there are 8 Republicans with some sense of human decency? That's a little encouraging.
That is what the modern Republican party has stood for. Part of that modern Republican tradition includes, when in opposition, supporting a Democratic administration when it does the right thing. That’s what Republicans have done with regard to Afghanistan. It’s what Republicans will do as the nation prosecutes the effort in Libya. And as Republicans select a 2012 nominee, they should seek a leader who will stand unabashedly for freedom at home and abroad.
It would almost be funny if there weren't people who take Kristol seriously.
Fox News contributor Bill Kristol was on Special Report with Bret Baier tonight defending off shore drilling, when he made perhaps the stupidest statement of all time. He said offshore drilling is quite safe, “and very environmentally clean, except where there is a disaster like this.”
Kristol said, “Look the data’s pretty clear in general that the offshore drilling of oil has become incredibly quite safe, not perfectly safe, but compared to other ways of getting energy, quite safe compared to the mining of coal for example, and very environmentally clean, except when there is a disaster like this spill, but Exxon Valdez was much bigger.
Also safe: Russian Roulette. Until the gun goes off.
Juggling Chainsaws. Unless you count getting your hand cut off.
Driving Drunk. Until the inevitable crash.
Seriously, how the hell is this moron allowed on television. Has he ever been right about anything?
Not only is Bill Kristol wrong about everything (really, seriously, wrong about everything), he continues to spout wrongness with that smug, self-satisfied smirk that makes me want to punch his lights out.
Where in holy hell does he come up with 5, or 8, or 13 times? The law not only allows, but requires Arizona cops to stop anyone who seems like they might be here illegally and demand proof of citizenship. That pretty much means anyone in Arizona who looks Mexican (including Native Americans) or has an accent, or likes soccer is going to be stopped and asked for ID repeatedly. And then he asks "is that what you think the Arizona cops are like?" (paraphrase) Um, yeah. Have you not ever heard of Joe Arpayo? And he's like a fucking hero down there. Of course, there are probably many good, conscientious cops in Arizona. Of course they're not all like Arpayo. But even if you are a good cop in AZ, this new law requires you to stop Mexicans and demand to see their papers. Rather than argue honestly, and say "yes, I think it's a good idea to harass all the brown folks in Arizona," Kristol makes up this bullshit about how it will hardly ever happen, and it's not a big deal, and blargh, blargh, blargh. . . .
Honest to God, I'd rather listen to Billy Crystal opine on current events than Bill Kristol.
So here's Bill Kristol getting hit in the face with a pie:
Thank you, and welcome to a special Nobel Peace Prize edition of Who's Stupider? I'm your special guest host, A Beanie Baby Guy Smiley!
Our first contestant comes to us from the worst right-wing rag in the country where he enjoys being wrong about everything and wearing a permanent shit-eating smirk, please welcome Bill Kristol.
Bill, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?
Well, I'm famous because I had a famous father. My famous father (Irving Kristol) pulled some strings to get me into Harvard, used his connections to get me a job in the Nixon administration, then arranged for me to get teaching jobs at Penn and the Kennedy School of government. I'm a firm believer in strict meritocracy and fierce opponent of affirmative action.(source)
Okay, I think that tells us pretty much all we need to know about you.
Erick, let's start with you, what's your reaction to President Obamawinning the Nobel Peace Prize?
I did not realize the Nobel Peace Prize had an affirmative action quota for it, but that is the only thing I can think of for this news. There is no way Barack Obama earned it in the nominations period.
Ooh, tough break Erick! The affirmative action line proves you are kinda racist and kinda an asshole, but you accidentally made a good point that Obama certainly didn't do anything in the first month of his presidency to deserve this prestigious award. So let's ask the judges, can we accept Erick's answer?
OOh, sorry, that's a thumbs down from Simon, Caesar and Fonzie! I'm afraid you're disqualified from this round, Erick.
Okay, Bill the floor is yours. All you have to do is say anything remotely stupid and you'll win. Whadda ya got, Bill?
if the Swedes Norwegians wanted to give the Nobel Peace Prize to an American, it would have been been better to give it to Sen. John McCain for having the guts to push through the surge in Iraq.
Wow! You came here to win, Bill! That may have been the stupidest thing we have heard yet on this show! Complaining that the Nobel Peace Prize was not given for war-mongering? Amazing work! You're going to go far in this competition.
Ladies and gentlemen, today's winner: Bill "the man who is wrong about everything" Kristol!
