Know How I Know?

 1) Know how I know that Anthony Weiner is innocent?

Because Andrew Breitbart is involved.

In the same way that if Hugh Heffner is involved with something, it's going to involve naked women, if Andrew Breitbart is involved, it's a dishonest slander. Not that that's going to keep CNN from having him on and pretending he hasn't been shown over and over again to be a baldfaced liar. Damn liberal media!




Honest to God, how does the coversation in the newsroom not go something like:
"Hey, a congressman is involved in some sort of dong-related scandal!"

"Oh, that could be big news, who's the source?"

"Oh, it's Breitbart, never mind."

You might as well report stories form The Onion. At least there's an off-chance that they might accidentally be true.
But no, you bring this pile of sleaze onto your show to spout even more scurrilous allegations about Rep. Weiner supposedly having "relationships with young women?"

Also: This guy?


This guy is getting lots of young women? This guy? Really?

2) Know how I know that Gov. Rick Perry has ZERO chance of ever being president?

Because Bill Kristol thinks he would be "formidable."



Remember the last wingnut governor that Kristol thought would be a powerful national political force?



How'd that work out again?

 

Oy. Don't remind me!

Oh, and also this:

“If [Hillary Clinton] gets a race against John Edwards and Barack Obama, she’s going to be the nominee. Gore is the only threat to her, then. … Barack Obama is not going to beat Hillary Clinton in a single Democratic primary. I’ll predict that right now.” —William Kristol, Fox News Sunday, Dec. 17, 2006

So, even if Gov. Perry hadn't flirted with the idea of secession, even if he hadn't done this:

Texas, which may balance its budget by firing thousands of teachers, plans to commit $25 million in state funds to Formula One auto racing each year for a decade.

Even if he didn't look like this:




He would still have no chance just because the laws of nature dictate that anything coming from the mouth of William Kristol is necessarily  going to be incorrect. If God Himself had planned on making Rick Perry president, he would have to change his plans after hearing William Kristol put his stink on Perry.

 

Kristol said "formidable?"

Augh, now I have to send Perry to a crushing, humiliating defeat!

How Many Ways Is This Wrong?

Way this is wrong #1: "Extreme Greenies." Seriously? People who would like to not have large swaths of the planet ruined by crude oil are "extreme?" Really? The ELF is extreme, in as much as they are a real organization. They set shit on fire. That's extreme. Wanting to find an alternative to our national oil addiction, not so much.

Way this is wrong #2: "Greenies" are amphetamine pills. Environmentalists, no matter how extreme, are "Greens." Also known as "responsible adults," "people who give a damn," or "the non-retarded."

Way this is wrong #3: "safe onshore places" No. No, that is not what you said. You said "Drill Baby, Drill," and "Drill Here, Drill Now," you never ever ever said anything about not drilling offshore. You are just lying. Show me where you said "Drill in safe onshore places, Baby, Drill in safe onshore places!" When did you ever say "Drill here, drill now, don't drill over there in the water, that would be unsafe!"

Way this is wrong #4: "safe onshore places" Drilling for oil is never safe anywhere. Oil & Gas Driller is currently ranked the 14th most dangerous job in America,
right after police officer and firefighter. And it's not like spills don't happen with onshore oil drilling, have you seen today's Juneau Empire? Here's a quick excerpt:

ANCHORAGE - Alaska and Alyeska officials say the crude oil spill at a pipeline station near Delta Junction apparently was held within a lined, bermed containment area.

The Department of Environmental Conservation says about 56,000 gallons of pooled oil from the estimated 210,000 gallon spill has been removed.

Way this is wrong #5: Sarah Palin saying that this oil spill/gusher/fuckstorm/whatever proves that she was right is just so absurd. It's like if someone found a knife with OJ's fingerprints on the handle and Nicole's blood on the blade and OJ said "see, I told you I didn't do it." This doesn't support your position, Sarah. You have it entirely backwards. This is exhibit A in the "Sarah Palin was dead wrong in public about drilling for oil" case.

Way this is wrong #6: "Now do you see?" You know, I don't mind being condescended to by someone smarter than me. If Steven Hawking wants to come by and talk down to me about science, I wouldn't feel bad at all. But when someone so obviously, demonstrably, laughably stupid as Sarah Palin takes that tone, it makes my head want to explode. That was my biggest complaint about George Dubya, too. If you're going to be condescending, you could at least be right. Remember when he said something about "People who disassemble," then smirkingly added "that means they don't tell the truth!" wanted to grab him by the lapels, shake him and scream NO IT DOESN"T!!! DISASSEMBLE MEANS TO TAKE APART! DISSEMBLE MEANS TO MISLEAD OR DECEIVE!" It's one thing to get the wrong word, that could happen to anyone, but to stand there smirking, acting like you're going to help us out with the big words when you got the word wrong is just unforgivable.

So that's six. Six ways that I can think of off the top of my head in which Sarah Palin is wrong within a two-sentence missive. That's really kind of impressive. It can't be easy to be that many kinds of wrong in under 30 words.

Bill Kristol Continues to be a Goddamned Idiot.

Not only is Bill Kristol wrong about everything (really, seriously, wrong about everything), he continues to spout wrongness with that smug, self-satisfied smirk that makes me want to punch his lights out.



Where in holy hell does he come up with 5, or 8, or 13 times? The law not only allows, but requires Arizona cops to stop anyone who seems like they might be here illegally and demand proof of citizenship. That pretty much means anyone in Arizona who looks Mexican (including Native Americans) or has an accent, or likes soccer is going to be stopped and asked for ID repeatedly.
And then he asks "is that what you think the Arizona cops are like?" (paraphrase)
Um, yeah. Have you not ever heard of Joe Arpayo? And he's like a fucking hero down there.
Of course, there are probably many good, conscientious cops in Arizona. Of course they're not all like Arpayo. But even if you are a good cop in AZ, this new law requires you to stop Mexicans and demand to see their papers. Rather than argue honestly, and say "yes, I think it's a good idea to harass all the brown folks in Arizona," Kristol makes up this bullshit about how it will hardly ever happen, and it's not a big deal, and blargh, blargh, blargh. . . .

Honest to God, I'd rather listen to Billy Crystal opine on current events than Bill Kristol.

So here's Bill Kristol getting hit in the face with a pie:



Hmm, I do feel a teensy bit better.