Terrible Marketing Campaigns - Pistachios

What is the thinking behind this campaign? Are they trying to get us to stop eating their product? What other reason could there be for assembling this collection of the most loathsome creeps in America? I half suspect that these ads are actually produced by the almond people or cashew people with the intent of creating a psychological linkage between the pistachio and this rogues' gallery of lowlifes.



I mean really, Levi Johnston? The man whose very existence seems to be a ploy to make the Palin family seem sympathetic by comparison? A man who is known for only one accomplishment, which was impregnating an underage girl then deserting her? Which, to be fair, is one more accomplishment than this person:



The fact that "Snookie" has touched a pistachio with her bare hands makes me leery of touching any of them lest it be the one she has handled. Is this campaign really working?

And then of course, there is the man who knows no shame.



What the hell? Why would you want a sleazy criminal endorsing your product? How is this supposed to make your product seem appealing? Rod Blagojevich? What the hell? Was Tom DeLay unavailable? You couldn't get "Duke" Cunningham? Cheney not returning your calls? You couldn't find anyone with less dignity than Blagojevitch? Oh, you did?



God, that's just depressing. Miss teen Carolina trying to make a career out of having her IQ mocked. Gee, let's see, I've humiliated myself on TV, the entire internet is mocking me because they think I'm a moron, how should I handle this situation? Maybe I could do something to prove that I actually am an intelligent person. . .no, maybe I'll just start acting stupid on purpose and get paid for being ridiculed!
How am I supposed to get a hankering for your product when I'm just feeling sorry for your spokeswoman?
The whole campaign is just depressing.

Isn't the idea of "celebrity" endorsements supposed to be that on some level the viewer will associate the product with the movie star or athlete or whatever and subconsciously start to think that buying the product will make him in some way similar to the admired person? That's why it's usually someone like Micheal Jordan or Peyton Manning in this type of ad. Is there really a demographic out there who admires any of these people? And do they buy nuts by the truckload? Because otherwise, this whole campaign just doesn't make a bit of sense.

Worst TV Show Ever

In Touch Exclusive:
Kate Gosselin and kids to meet Sarah Palin in Alaska!

Forget ex-husband Jon — Kate Gosselin could rename her TLC hit Sarah & Kate Plus 8! In Touch can exclusively reveal that Kate and her brood have traveled to Alaska with cameras in tow to meet up with the northern state’s most famous resident, Sarah Palin.

O, God there is no way this won't be on TV. These two publicity whores don't do anything that isn't designed to bring more attention and/or money their way. (for the record, Jon Gosselin is just as big a whore)

Maybe they could call it: Horrible Parents Profit From Their Kids.
or Soulless Mommies Drag Children Across the Tundra for Fun and Profit!
or Honey, I Exploited the Kids!

“Sarah, Kate and the kids will go camping,” a source says, adding that Sarah’s father, a retired science teacher, and brother, a third-grade educator, will conduct a hands-on natural history lesson for 9-year-old twins Mady and Cara, and 6-year-old sextuplets Aaden, Joel, Collin, Leah, Hannah and Alexis.

What the hell kind of science are they going to learn from this collection of snake-handling tongue -speakers? You know Sarah's afraid of witches, right?

A mother of a big family herself, former vice presidential candidate Sarah is thrilled about the upcoming visit. “She’s excited because it will be fun and educational for the children. Sarah will even teach Kate how to avoid bears!” the insider adds.

Fun and educational for the kids? Really? That's why she's excited? Because someone else is going to have fun and learn something? Not because it's more free publicity for her and probably another fat paycheck from some stupid cable network? Because I don't think Sarah is ever excited for anyone but Sarah. And neither Sarah nor Kate ever go anywhere there aren't TV cameras.

Barbara Walters gets "Edgy!"

(From the AP)
NEW YORK – Barbara Walters thinks this year's roster of fascinating people is a little edgier, more current and less obvious than usual.

Oh, you just know this is going to be good. What does Grandma think is "edgy?"

Here's glam rocker Adam Lambert, speaking with Walters on the heels of his racy performance at ABC's American Music Awards . . . "We said, 'Should we have done Adam Lambert or should we have done Taylor Swift?' And then he did this huge thing (on the awards show) and we said, 'Ah! We got the fascinating one!'"

What more fascinating than Taylor Swift? The deuce you say!
Oh, wait. I get it. Lambert's gay! That's so edgy! No popular singer has ever been gay before!




































Comedian-writer-entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is yet another one of Walter's fascinating people. But while wildly successful among black audiences, "most white people have never heard of him," she says.

Never heard of Tyler Perry? Who the fuck hasn't heard of Tyler Perry? The man has a movie out about once every six weeks, has two prime-time TV shows currently airing (both of which are gawd-awful, by the way) Who could possibly not have heard of Tyler Perry?


Have you seriously not seen these?










Oh, but yeah he's clearly a fascinating person. and so edgy. He dresse like a woman in his movies! Ha! No one's ever done that before!













































Who else?

She talks with mother of eight Kate Gosselin, who recently ended her TLC network reality series and is about to end her marriage to former co-star Jon Gosselin.

"Nobody hit the scales harder this year than Kate Gosselin," says Walters. "And this career is not over."

Edgy! Because it's not like you can turn on the TV without seeing this talking birth canal.

And I don't know what "hit the scales" means, but yes, this career is over.

As a different way of noting Michael Jackson's impact this year, Walters' program will profile the late King of Pop's kids: Paris, Prince Michael and Prince Michael II (known as Blanket).

Fascinating! Usually it's members of Micheal's family looking to milk one last dollar out of his corpse. But Barbara puts her own twist on the ghoulish ritual. Let's involve the children! Children love an exploitative debacle!

She talks with South Carolina's first lady, Jenny Sanford, who this year suffered every married woman's nightmare: the scandalous disclosure that her husband, Gov. Mark Sanford, had cheated on her during a mysterious disappearance last summer to Argentina.

Jenny Sanford is fascinating? Because she got cheated on? No politician's wife has ever been cheated on!

So what is so different about Jenny sanford that makes her so fascinating? Glad you asked!

"Jenny Sanford has reacted with dignity and courage and integrity," says Walters, "and touched a chord in many women, with a little bit of a warning for men: 'Don't take me for granted.'"

Quite a warning. Don't take me for granted, or so help me, I will react with dignity and courage. Maybe even integrity. I'm serious!
And who equates taking your spouse for granted with sticking your wang in an Argentinean hoochy mama? There really seems to be a pretty big difference, like one's a misdemeanor and one's a felony.

Glenn Beck, the highly popular, often incendiary radio and TV host, discusses with Walters his past struggles with alcohol addiction.

Okay, I'll give you this round, Barbara. Glenn Beck sorta fascinates me too. Mainly because I can't tell how much of his schtick is a put-on and how much is he really just bug-eyed poo-throwing crazy? And yeah, the idea of putting a libel-prone conspiracy theorist on prime-time network television could definitely be seen as "edgy." So you win this round, Walters. But I'll be back! This is all far from over! Bwuhahahahahahah!!!

Dating Shows

Reality TV dating shows are, to paraphrase tracy pew, the anus of culture. Or, more accurately, what is expelled from the anus of culture. I always wonder how they get people to participate in these freak shows. I imagine the meeting goes something like this:

Location: a sidewalk in Santa Monica
Participants: The producer of "For the love of Ray J" and some unfortunate skank.

Say, you're an attractive woman with obvious self-esteem issues and no discernable talent. How'd you like to be in a contest?

What kinda contest?

Well, you and several other women will degrade and humiliate yourselves to win the attentions of the kind of man who would want you to degrade and humiliate yourselves.

I don't know. . .

Did I mention that this vile, loathsome man is a famous celebrity?

OOh, what is he famous for?

Pissing on Kim Kardashian.

Where do I sign?

Oh, I should mention that the humiliation and degradation will be taking place on national TV.

Hey, you had me at "pissing!"