Joe The Plumber

Apparently, there are some people not familiar with the principle of "ignore him and he'll go away." And some of those people work for a publication called "Christianity Today."

Since ol' Joe has proven to be such a font of wisdom when it comes to politics, someone over at C.T. figured, hey, I'll bet he's just as super-awesomely smart about theology! Let's ask Joe the Fucktard Plumber to interpret the Word of the Lord for us!

So, let's look at some excerpts from the interview, shall we?

In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?

I personally still think it’s wrong. People don’t understand the dictionary—it’s called queer. Queer means strange and unusual.

Ah, I see. And what does ignorant, mouthbreathing redneck mean?

I've had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they’re people, and they’re going to do their thing.

Yeah, some people don't understand the dictionary. Like some people don't understand that the word "friend" doesn't refer to someone who knows you wouldn't have them anywhere near your children.

Who do you see as the emerging Christian leaders?

James Dobson. I love Dobson.

Ok, do you know what the word "emerging" means? James Dobson is Seventy-Three Years Old! He just stepped down as chairman of "Focus on the Family," the organization he founded in 1977! Dobson is an emerging leader? Wow! Even for you, that's stunningly ignorant!
Why does conservatism appeal to you as a Christian? Conservatism is about the basic rights of individuals. God created us.

Um, what do those two factoids have to do with each other? Can you elucidate a bit?

As far as the government goes, the Founding Fathers based the Constitution off of Christian values. It goes hand-in-hand. As far as the Republican Party? I felt connected to it because individual freedom should not be legislated by the federal government.

Now I'm even more confused. The government should not be legislating individual freedom? I can't even tell if that makes you pro- or anti-freedom!

Do you have plans to run for public office?

Not right now. God hasn't said, "Joe, I want you to run."

Yeah, and He won't. Really. There's an old expression: If you talk to God, that's prayer. If God talks to you, that's schizophrenia.

God said, "Well, you know, listen—I set you on a path, and go to it. See what you can do."

Really? God gave you the most vague instructions anyone has ever given to anyone? And God says, "Well, you know" ? Really? God talks like W? I don't think that's God you're hearing.

I feel more important to just encourage people to get involved, one way or another. If I can inspire some leaders, that would be great. I don't know if I want to be a leader.

God Forbid!

Miss California

At first, I felt kind of bad for her. It didn't really seem fair to ambush Miss USA contestants with political questions. I mean, it seems like a safe assumption that young women who consent to being paraded around and judged like livestock at a county fair probably don't have a lot of clear, well-thought-out opinions on the issues of the day.

And it seemed like she didn't necessarily have a problem with same-sex marriage, just felt like it wasn't her cup of tea, what with her enjoying winkies and all.

"I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage," she said at the pageant.

See, so that seems like something a reasonable person might say, although I would think that "opposite marriage" would probably be divorce, but i don't want to nitpick.

"And you know what? I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."

So at this point, I'm thinking, Ok, everyone's entitled to their opinion, no big deal, I didn't really think that there was any reason to vilify the little airhead.

And I thought it really wasn't her fault that the right wing chose her as a sort of cause celebre.

Then I read this:

Miss California USA Carrie Prejean announced Thursday she will star in an anti-gay marriage ad sponsored by the controversial National Organization for Marriage.

Oh, it's on now, bitch!

Sorry, channeling Perez Hilton for a second there!

Oh, and this:

Prejean later said she thought she had lost the contest because of her stance.

Really? Because i was thinking maybe you lost because it's hard to win a beauty contest looking like this:

Neither Real, Nor Spectacular

"I was attacked for giving my own opinion on stage at a Miss USA contest, and I'm going to do whatever it takes, Matt, to protect marriage," Prejean, 21, told NBC "Today" show host Matt Lauer.

"The National Organization for Marriage basically just respects, um, you know, marriages and people who support it," she said. "That's what I'm here to do today, protect traditional marriage."

Really? Is that what they do? Just respect Marriage? Have you ever heard of Orson Scott Card? No? Well, most people haven't, he's evidently a fairly popular science fiction writer. There's no reason you should really be all that familiar with him, except that he sits on the board of the National Organization for Marriage. Why is that important? Because he says things like this:

Laws against homosexual behavior should remain on the books…to be used when necessary to send a clear message that those who flagrantly violate society's regulation of sexual behavior cannot be permitted to remain as acceptable, equal citizens.

And this:

How long before married people answer the dictators thus: Regardless of law, marriage has only one definition, and any government that attempts to change it is my mortal enemy. I will act to destroy that government and bring it down, so it can be replaced with a government that will respect and support marriage, and help me raise my children in a society where they will expect to marry in their turn.

Kinda scary, no? And also kinda ironic, since Mr. Card happens to be, wait for it, a Mormon!

Biological imperatives trump laws. American government cannot fight against marriage and hope to endure. If the Constitution is defined in such a way as to destroy the privileged position of marriage, it is that insane Constitution, not marriage, that will die.

Hey, Card! You're really going with the "biological imperative" thing? Cuz, if you're a male, your biological imperative is to mate with as many females as possible to ensure the continuation of your blood line and the survival of the species. You know, like a Mormon. One male - one female lifelong mating pairs are rarely seen in nature (wolves come to mind)
The only reason humans are able to make marriages work is that we are able to overcome our biological imperatives, so let's not pretend that there is some scientific basis to your hatred of the gay people.

But I digress.

Where were we? Oh yeah, Miss California. Hey Miss California, Shut the hell up. No one cares what a second-rate beauty queen/cosmetic surgery demo model has to say about anything of any importance, OK? Do us all a favor and stick to cutting ribbons at Orange County strip malls, and fending off Howard Stern.

Michele Bachmann (Yes, Again!)

She's baaaaaack!

Because she can't go more than a few days without saying something head-hurtingly stupid, Rep. Michelle Bachman (R-Loonesota) has this to say about swine flu:

I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence.”

Really? You really think that's interesting? Come on, Bachman! You used to put some thought into your loony conspiracy theories. When you talked about FEMA building concentration camps in the desert, I at least felt like you were putting some effort into it. Now it feels like you're not even trying anymore. Where's the creativity?

Now, if you want something interesting, here's a little-known historical fact (by which I mean everyone but Michele Bachmann knows this) - The swine flu outbreak of the 1970's was in 1976. Jimmy Carter was elected in 1976, which means he took office in 1977. So there is still a touch of the me'lange of crazy and stupid that only Ms. Bachmann can provide. Kudos to you, Ms. Bachmann, and congratulations, voters of Minnesota's 6th district!



I wish I could take credit for this picture! I found it at:www.flickr.com/
photos/
cursedthing/
296451543/

Music Break!

Here's Atlanta's own Gringo Star performing "All Y'All" at Atlanta's own Corndogorama!
In case there was still any doubt about Atlanta being the music capitol of the world.

Michelle Malkin

For some reason, there are some people who take Michelle Malkin seriously.
Really. I know, it's hard to believe!

Here's her latest nugget of insanity:

Of course: Swine flu is all the evil GOP’s fault!

By Michelle Malkin • April 27, 2009 11:39 AM

Well, it didn’t take long for partisan Democrats to blame the swine flu outbreak on the Republican Party.

Um, no.
No one is blaming Republicans for the swine flu. Really. No one thinks that the Republican Party is clever enough to manufacture a new virus and spread it to the U.S. via Mexico.
Seriously, just stop now.

Here’s the line: Since House Republicans all opposed the trillion-dollar-porkulus, which included funding for pandemic preparations, it’s all. Our. Fault.

No. Not really.

No, really:

Ok, what are you basing this on? Oh, this article from The Nation you linked to? Well. let's see what it has to say.

When House Appropriations Committee chairman David Obey, the Wisconsin Democrat who has long championed investment in pandemic preparation, included roughly $900 million for that purpose in this year's emergency stimulus bill, he was ridiculed by conservative operatives and congressional Republicans.

Well, that is true.

Famously, Maine Senator Collins, the supposedly moderate Republican who demanded cuts in health care spending in exchange for her support of a watered-down version of the stimulus, fumed about the pandemic funding: "Does it belong in this bill? Should we have $870 million in this bill? No, we should not."

Ok, still waiting for the part where the Republicans are blamed.

Senate Democratic leaders bowed to Collins in the process of crafting their chamber's version of the stimulus. In doing so, they eliminated more than 80 percent of the modest amount of money that had been allocated for pandemic preparedness -- and all of the money that would have helped emergency services.

Sounds like they're blaming the Democrats.

Senate Democrats bent to her demands. That makes them, at the very least, complicit in the weakening of what needed to be a muscular plan.

The bottom line is that there were no heroes in either party on the Senate side of the ugly process that ridiculed and then eliminated pandemic preparedness funding.

Would you like to treat this witness as hostile?

But former White House political czar Karl Rove and key congressional Republicans — led by Maine Senator Susan Collins — aggressively attacked the notion that there was a connection between pandemic preparation and economic recovery.

Should we just stop here? Are you sure you don't want to withdraw your objection?
Ok, let's see if Rove and company were right. Let's see if there is, in fact, no connection between a flu outbreak and economic recovery.

On Monday, the question began to be answered, as Associated Press reported -- under the headline: "World Markets Struck By Swine Flu Fears" -- that: "World stock markets fell Monday as investors worried that a deadly outbreak of swine flu in Mexico could go global and derail any global economic recovery."

Before U.S. markets opened, the Wall Street Journal reported: "U.S. stock futures fell sharply Monday as the outbreak of deadly swine flu stoked fears that a possible recovery in the global economy could be derailed."

The Dow, after several weeks of surging, finished the day down 51 points, with the Journal headlining a late-day report: "US Stocks Down On Continued Swine Flu Fears."

OOOOOOO, I'm sorry, the correct answer was "Yes, there is a connection." We would also have accepted "hell yes," "obviously," or "Duh!" We have some lovely parting gifts for you: Turtle Wax, a year's supply of shut the fuck up, and Rice A Roni, the San Francisco treat!" (*)Only funny to those of us born prior to 1970

So do you have anything to add before skulking off to well deserved ignominy?

So any natural disaster or bio-catastrophe that comes along, for which fiscal conservatives refused to support funding for in an economic recovery package, will now be all. Our. Fault.

No. Look, we just covered this. No one is blaming the Republicans. People are just pointing out how ironically wrong they were on this issue. And by the way, your syntax is atrocious. See you in Summer School.