A Special Thank You to Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein

Today, I received my first link. (that I know of)
The Daily Irritant can now be accessed by readers of the far superior Monkey Muck.
Go there Now, Dammit!



Thank you, Dr. Monkey for making me legit!

A Religious Fanatic in the White House

Theologian Richard Neibuhr once said:

"religion is a good thing for good people and a bad thing for bad people."




I can think of no greater illustration of the second half of that adage than George W. Bush

(seen here dreaming of the rapture)

First, there was the report that he had told Palestinian leaders: "I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, 'George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan.' And I did, and then God would tell me, 'George go and end the tyranny in Iraq,' and I did."

Then we heard about the memos from Rumsfeld which were festooned with Biblical passages such as: “Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

And: "Whom Shall I send, and who will go for us?" next to pictures if US soldiers.

(see the memo covers slideshow at http://men.style.com/gq/features/topsecret)

Now, former French Premiere Jacques Chirac's memoir reveals what Bush told him about the impending invasion of Iraq: "This confrontation is willed by God, who wants to use this conflict to erase his people’s enemies before a New Age begins.”

He apparently also told Chirac that the Biblical creatures Gog and Magog were hard at work in the Middle East and had to be defeated. (link)



Now, in all my years of Sunday School, I do not ever remeber hearing about anyone named Gog or Magog, so I did a little research. Apparently, Magog is mentioned first:
Genesis, 10:2-4: The sons of Japeth: Gomer, and Magog, and Madai.

Then in Ezekiel, Gog appears, and he is the ruler of a country named Magog:

Ezekiel 38:1-4 The word of the LORD came to me:

Son of man, set your face toward Gog, of the land of Magog . . . and prophesy against him

So one would think that, if these two characters lived in Old Testament times, they could hardly be considered a threat in 2003, but that just shows what you know! because they pop up again in Revelations, the last and craziest book of the New Testament:

Rev 20:6-10 And when the thousand years are ended, Satan will be loosed from his prison,and will come out to deceive the nations which are at the four corners of the earth, that is, Gog and Magog, to gather them for battle

And that's about it.So even if you are the sort of true believer that takes every word of the Bible literally, there's really no way to tell who or what these names refer to. So how did they become a part of "end-times" lore? Here's what I was able to find on the Google:

Before about 500 AD, references to Gog and Magog occur many times, in the preserved sermons and letters of St Jerome and other early Christians; whenever Christendom was threatened by invaders, the names of Gog and Magog seem to have been bandied about. There is evidence of a lively debate on just whom was meant by Gog and Magog: when the Scythians threatened, it was the Scythians; when the Huns threatened, it was the Huns; and when the Alans threatened, someone would call the Alans 'Gog and Magog'; so too with the Khazars, the Turks, the Magyars, the Parthians, the Mongols. Marco Polo in the thirteenth century thought that Gog and Magog must be represented by the Mongol horde which had just conquered most of the East . . . And so on,
(source)

So how, exactly George W. Bush came to believe that Gog and Magog were alive and well and in need of stopping, I can't fathom. I guess you would need to journey into the world of Pentecostal theology, and I'm just not willing to risk it.


So we invaded Iraq, got (as of last count) over 4,300 of our finest young people killed, over 30,000 wounded, and God knows how many Iraqis killed and maimed because George thought that God had called on him to fulfill some vague prophecy that seems to exist only in the minds of the snake-handlers and tongue-speakers who think that God speaks to them directly. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you talk to God, that's prayer. If God talks to you, that's schizophrenia.

R.I.P. Jay Bennett

Former Wilco member Jay Bennett died this Saturday of as yet undetermined causes.

Smokey Joe Barton

Representative Joe Barton (R-TX), seen here discovering new depths of ignorance, recently stepped up to the mic in defense of Carbon Dioxide.

“I would also point out that CO2, carbon dioxide, is not a pollutant in any normal definition of the term. … I am creating it as I talk to you.

He then added, Oh, did I say CO? I meant BS!

It’s in your Coca-Cola, you’re Dr. Pepper, your Perrier water. It is necessary for human life.

Not to quibble, but does that mean that high fructose corn syrup, caramel coloring, and phosphoric acid are also necessary?

It is odorless, colorless, tasteless,

So is carbon Monoxide, which kills a lot of people, so those may not be the most relevant characteristics.

does not cause cancer, does not cause asthma. .

Yeah, neither do bullets, but I'm pretty sure they're still considered dangerous.

There is nobody who has ever been admitted to the hospital for CO2 poisoning, so it is not a pollutant. “

Are you purposely missing the point? It's not that CO2 is, in and of itself, harmful. the point is that it, along with other "greenhouse" gasses, accumulate in the atmosphere and cause heat to be trapped that would otherwise disperse. Or something like that. I don't really understand how it all works, and by the way, neither do you. But here's the difference. Just because I don't understand all the science doesn't mean that I dismiss it out of hand. See, if my doctor tells me that swallowing mercury is a really bad idea, I don't have to understand how neurotoxins function, I don't need to understand how the chemical properties of mercury interact with the cellular structure of the nervous system. It's enough that I know that she understands this stuff. Just like I don't need to understand the physics of climatology to know that the people who do understand it know that too much CO2 in the atmosphere is harmful. I don't tell my doctor "hey, there's mercury in that thermometer you stuck in my mouth, so obviously mercury is medically helpful." Ok, I understand just enough to get that there is a big difference between mercury in a thermometer under my tongue, and mercury in my bloodstream. Just like I get that there is a big difference between CO2 in the atmosphere and CO2 in a can of Coke.

You're right, Santa. A nice cold Coca-Cola sure would hit the spot right now!

Ugh, I feel dirty. But when that sweet, sweet Coca-Cola money starts flowing this way, I think I'm gonna feel a whole lot better!

The Worst Songs I've Heard This Week

Cha-Cha Slide by DJ Casper

Because it's not so much a song as a set of instructions with a beatbox.

You Were Meant for Me by Jewel

Because I don't need to hear about every mundane detail of your day.
"I got my eggs and my pancakes too"
"I break the yolks and make a smiley face."
"I brush my teeth and put the cap back on."
"put on my pj's and hop into bed."
Good God! If you knew someone like this, would you voluntarily spend a second with her?

Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen
I generally like Bruce. I think he's written a lot of very good songs, OK? This just isn't one of them.
because A) he makes no effort to make the lyrics fit into the meter of the song, and
B) he says his baseball player friend "Could throw that speedball by you" Where I come from, a speedball is what killed John Belushi. The pitch is called a fastball. Who doesn't know that?

Lullaby by Shawn Mullins

Because he recites the words instead of singing through most of the song.

Invisible Touch by Phil Collins

Because its sung by Phil Collins. Also because it was written by Phil Collins.

Always the Last to Know by Del Amitri

Because, as if this song didn't suck enough balls, they put in this lyric:
". . .If you're happy now
or if he's cheating on you, like I cheated on you
oh, oh, oh"
(I swear, the lyric is oh, oh, oh, check Lyrics.com if you don't believe me)

then the singer goes into poignant, sensitive mode and sings
"you were the last to know, you were the last to know"
Dude! Don't use your sentimental, heartfelt voice when you're talking about being a total dick!

I'm sure there were more. Our Muzak system at work is programmed by sadists, but that's all I can think of right now.