So, Sandra Bullock Married This, huh?

Imagine you're Sandra Bullock. You're attractive, successful, probably perfectly pleasant. Basically, you've got options. Lots of options for fellas to spend your time with. So how do you end up saddled with this tool bag? I mean, seriously, just look at this owl casting of a human being.

Honestly, if you somehow ended up married to this enema nozzle, wouldn't you just expect that screwing porn stars would be the least awful thing he was likely to do during the course of your marriage?

And would you be surprised to read this:

Adding another potential bombshell element to the sudden explosion of Sandra Bullock’s marriage, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively that Jesse James has more than 12 homemade sex tapes.

The tapes Jesse made with other women are shocking. “Most of the tapes feature a mass amount of Nazi paraphernalia,” an insider tells RadarOnline.com. “It’s all really quite disturbing.”

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So, what, did sandra Bullock lose a bet? Is she secretly awful? Maybe she thought she was getting this Jesse James:

At least we know that that Jesse James had a hand and a heart and a brain

Happy Birthday, Ya Nut, Ya!

Yesterday was Michele Bachmann's birthday!

Somehow I missed it, but won't you now join me in singing Happy Birthday?



Happy Birthday to youuuuu

You are completely insaaaane!

You're an embarrassment to the State of Minnesooootaahh. . . .

And by extension, the nation at large!

Coal Mining Tragedy

The tragic accident in the Massey coal mine in West Virginia was sadly predictable and preventable.
The Massey Coal Mining Company has long flouted safety regulations nad gotten away with it. And now at least 25 miners are dead due to the company's negligence and indifference to human lives.

From the Washington Post:

Massey has frequently been cited for safety violations, including about 50 citations at the Upper Big Branch mine in March alone. Many of those 50 citations were for poor ventilation of dust and methane, failure to maintain proper escape ways, and the accumulation of combustible materials.

The U.S. Mine Safety and Health Administration cited the mine for 1,342 safety violations from 2005 through Monday for a total of $1.89 million in proposed fines, according to federal records. The company has contested 422 of those violations, totaling $742,830 in proposed penalties, according to federal officials.

But the company had a litany of violations just last month at the Upper Big Branch mine, according to the U.S. Mine Safety and Health Administration Web site. In March, U.S. Mine Safety and Health Administration officials cited the mine, which is owned by Massey subsidiary Performance Coal Co., for failing to control dust; improperly planning to ventilate the mine of dust and the combustible gas methane; inadequate protection from roof falls; failing to maintain proper escapeways; and allowing the accumulation of combustible materials."

Why hasn't this ridiculously dangerous operation been shut down? Maybe because Massey CEO Don Blankenship's habit of throwing campaign money at mostly Republican candidates? Or maybe because of the general anti-regulation attitude that has infected Washington since the 1980's? The kind of attitude that leads to this kind of toothless enforcement of safety rules:

Mining companies are permitted to contest violations and proposed penalties and safety violations are not placed on a company's permanent safety record until a dispute is settled, officials said.

That's right. If you or I commit a crime, the judge hands sown a sentence. If a mining company violates the law, the U.S. Mine Safety and Health Administration proposes a penalty, and the mining company gets to contest it. And then something like this happens:

From the New York Times:

A justice of the West Virginia Supreme Court and a powerful coal-company executive met in Monte Carlo in the summer of 2006, sharing several meals even as the executive’s companies were appealing a $50 million jury verdict against them to the court.

A little more than a year later, the justice, Elliott E. Maynard, voted with the majority in a 3-to-2 decision in favor of the coal companies.

That coal-company executive mentioned in this story? Don Blankenship.

Judge of the Day: Elliott Maynard

On the left: Chief Justice Elliott E. Maynard, of West Virginia, and today’s Judge of the Day. On the right: Don L. Blankenship, chief executive of Massey Energy. The setting: exotic Monaco.

Since the Federal agencies won't do their jobs enforcing the rules, I hope the miners' families sue this son of a bitch into the poorhouse.

BASEBALL!

No time to post today, it's opening night!

A Chaos Classic

In celebration of Easter, Spring, and my laziness, I present a re-run of a post from back when no one was reading this.

The Worst Song I Heard at Work This Week

I knew I had given out the title to "life Less Ordinary" too soon! Because today I heard "And We Danced" by The Hooters, which is apparently a band made up of busty white-trash waitresses. Just take a quick gander at some of the lyrics these wordsmiths have produced:
(and yes, it took two of them to craft this gem)

She was a bebop baby on a hard day's night
She was hanging on Johnny, he was holding on tight

Bebop baby? really? What the hell does that mean? She was the daughter of Charlie Parker?

Oh, and the Beatles reference, nice! You know, it was clever when Lennon & McCartney coined the phrase "hard day's night" because no one had used it before. You're just repeating a phrase from vastly superior songwriters. No one's impressed. Ooh! maybe I'll entitle my next post "Johnny B. Goode Along the Watchtower Cries Mary!" What craftsmanship!

But hold on, it gets worse! I know! Hard to believe, right?

And we danced
Like a wave on the ocean, romanced

Ok, two things. First, "danced like a wave on the ocean." What would that even look like?


Cuz I'm picturing this:




But more importantly, there's the "romanced" thing. What, did you just tack that word on to the end of the line to make a rhyme? That's the laziest bit of songwriting I've ever seen. You couldn't come up with anything else?
Here, try this:

and we danced
like a couple of pervs with no pants.

or this:

and we danced
like a boil that needs to be lanced.

or even:

and we danced
we were both surgically enhanced.

Oh wait, one more!

and we danced
like a miniature collie from France.

Ok, that took me like five minutes, so there's no excuse for just throwing a random word on the end of the line.
What if other writers took your approach, Hooters?
just imagine. . . . . .

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun, Pancakes!

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Croquet!

Let me tell you about the very rich.
They are not like you and I, Bitch!

Then there's the rest of the chorus:

We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance

(there, see! It's not that hard to find a legitimate rhyme)

And we danced and danced and danced

Oh, come on! Really?
You are the laziest songwriters ever.

Ooh, wait! One More!

And we danced
I had paid for her time in advance.

ok, last one

and we danced
I had borrowed a suit from Jim Nantz.

oh, I just thought of one more

and we danced
she ignored my political rants.

and we danced
to the tune of gregorian chants.

and we danced
she wanted to waltz, but I can't.

Ok, that's it.