Monday, July 28, 2014

The World's Worst Cartoonist

Granted, I haven't actually seen every cartoonist in the world, but it's hard to imagine one worse than Michael Ramirez.

Ramiriez writes (?) Draws (?) whatever for Investor's Business Daily which means that by all rights I should never have had to have heard of this hack, but our local paper, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution has been running his ink turds a lot lately.

See, the AJC is home to Pulitzer-Prize winning editorial cartoonist Mike Luckovich. So, since he is apparently viewed as something of a lefty-loosey, of course there has to be some "balance," hence the AJC's "from the Right" cartoon that must always be run next to his.

Basically, Ramirex is Exhibit A in the case of "Conservatives Should Never Try to be Funny Ever."

This is the first one of his I remember noticing:


There is an almost impressive ammount of douchehackery in this one panel.

Let's start with the fact that this 35-year-old movie reference would only make sense if this was 2012 and Barack Obama had lost his re-election bid and was having to leave the White House with his tail between his legs. It still would be a flaccid, lazy attempt at a spiteful joke, but at least it would make some kind of sense. Or if Republicans were to succeed at an impeachment or maybe force his resignation in some way, I don't know, but none of those things have happened. Look it up.

Then there's the tag-line "Taking America from Riches to Rags," which completely ignores the reality that Obama inherited an economy in shambles and has managed, in the face of unprecedented obstructionism, to make serious improvements. No, he hasn't fixed all of our economic problems. No, the stimulus wasn't big enough. No, the economy is not exactly booming, but to claim that he has taken America from "riches to rags" is close to the opposite of what really happened. And in order for a joke to be funny, it has to be based on some sort of reality.

Also, tossing the mention of "golf clubs" in there is just cheap shoddy ineptitude.

Then there's this one:



I'm not even sure what the point of this is supposed to be.

I get the "Hamas using human shields" thing. Does Hamas use human shields? I don't know, but the right certainly takes it as an article of faith that they do, so let's assume for the moment that they do. What does that have to do with Barack Obama supposedly giving "amnesty" to Central American refugee children? Fuck if I know.
If Barack Obama was giving "amnesty" to these kids, that would hardly be using them as human shields. With any act of kindness he might extend towards these kids, he just opens himself up to barrages of vitriol and accusations from the Right-Wing lunatics that dominate the opposition. This is pretty much the opposite of using someone as a human shield.

Also, not to tell you how to do your job there, Mike, but the "Hamas" headband belongs on the heavily-armed adult, not on the innocent child. Unless you're trying to say that the child is a member of Hamas? You put the label on the person or thing to whom it refers. That's just political cartooning 101. In the same way, the child on the right should not be labeled "Amnesty." If you want to say that Barack Obama is giving kids amnesty, you draw Obama handing the child a gift-wrapped box, and you label the box "Amnesty." Otherwise it makes no fucking sense.




So. . . um. . . . Putin is bad?

Good one?

Then, because for the Right, there's never a bad time to exploit the tragedy of 9/11, we got this journalistic loogie hocked onto our papers on July 22:





 Gawd, how many things are wrong with this one?

First of all, No one has forgotten or ever will forget 9/11. That's just fucking stupid to even suggest.

Second of all, No one is saying that America's borders should be wide open. Well, a few people, maybe, but on July 22, 2014 what we are talking about is allowing child refugees to come into our nation for their own safety. Not having open borders.
See, a conservative will never ever ever argue anything honestly. They won't ever say "here's the problems I see with the Affordable Care Act." They will scream "Death Panels!" and "tyranny!" and "Hitler!!!"
They won't say "here's my objection to the Estate Tax." They'll say "Aughhh, paying taxes twice on the same monies!" or "Deat Tax!" or "Job Creators!"

So of course they won't just come out and say "here's why I think we should slam the door in the faces of terrified children." It's much easier to attack the straw man who says "throw open the borders!"

Also, in the cartoon, who is saying "America's doors should be wide open?" The terrorists? Is that who you think you are arguing against?

And the terrorists who crashed the planes on 9/11 did not walk across our southern border. And even if they had, they crertainly wouldn't have done it disguised as 6-year-old Hondurans.

Also, this whole thing is in EXTREMELY bad taste.

What else you got?




So, these dead people are the murderers? Or are you saying that  they were murdered by Hamas? Because a hell of a lot more people (civilians, children, women, etc) are being murdered by Israel;i forces then Hamas could ever dream of murdering. And making a cheap pun of mass murder? Kind of tasteless.


Says the guy who wants to keep liberty-seeking children out.





I guess the point is that before Obama, Al Queada never managed to strike on American soil. . . oh, wait!
I guess the point is how many more terrorist attacks have happened here since Obama took over. . .oh wait!
I'm stumped, what is the point?





Right, only people with absurdly impractical degrees are saddled with enormous student loan debt. No one with degrees in business, or engineering, or medicine, or . . . oh, wait. Yeah they all do. Jokes are so much funnier when they have no basis in reality. It's just so fucking funny to satirize a situation that doesn't actually exist.

At this point, I should probably point out that all these comics are from July. This is all from less than one month. Seriously, Michale Ramirez is the worst cartoonist in the world. Probably the worstg cartoonist in history. Just absolutely terrible.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Ohmygod, Ohmygod, Ohmygod, this is really a real thing!

Oh my GOD! There is actually a place on the Fox News website where they give sex advice!


 http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/not_aware_waynes_world.gif


http://img.pandawhale.com/54838-Waynes-World-Excellent-gif-1Hbv.gif



And here's the first thing I saw when I went to their sex advice webpage:

>Cohabitation is increasingly popular. Here’s how to know if it’s right for you and your guy

Are you ready to live together?

Cohabitation is increasingly popular. Here’s how to know if it’s right for you and your guy
Because in Foxland, it's always 1981.
 Oh, and it gets better. Much, much better:

Fox On Sex

What men really want

1. Talk More Like a Man
We don't mean to clear your throat or speak in deeper tones. Just get to the point quicker.

Oh, Jeezus. Yes, ladies, whenever we have to listen to you, we just want to scream "get to the fucking point so this conversation can be over, already!" Because God knows we can't stand "communicating" or having "human interactions" or "having to think about things besides sports and boobs."

Their minds will wander if they don't see a conclusion on your story's horizon. So, as you are sharing the details of today's run-in with Brenda from Business Affairs, skip the transcript of the exchange and create a highlight reel. He'll get the gist if you keep it short and just say what's on your mind—like most men talk when talking with other guys.
Yes, we generally communicate with a series of grunts and hand gestures, not like you ladies with your  fancy "words" and "complete sentences."


3. Give Him Props
Remember how hard you worked on those show-and-tell projects in kindergarten, and how good you felt when the class clapped and, at home, Dad said "attagirl"? Men are, in many ways, kindergarteners who want nothing more than your appreciation and respect for their hard work.

 Really? Men are like small children? That's really insulting. . .Oh, right you're talking about men who watch FOX. Carry on.

4. Laugh With and at Him
After her body, her sense of humor is the most attractive thing about women for men who responded to The Big Book of Sex survey. But that doesn't mean you have to be quick with jokes and witty one-liners.
Simply being able to laugh with him, at him, and at yourself is a sign of intellectual compatibility, says Dr. Billy Goldberg, co-author of Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?
Right, you can't possibly be expected to come up with your own  jokes. That takes thinky brain stuff. It's enough that you pretend to get our jokes even though they obviously must be sailing right over your pretty little heads.

Fox On Sex

11 Things Sports Can Teach Us About Sex


Presumably how to "score?" Ahahahahaha, see what I did there? (female readers, just pretend to have seen what I did there. Trust me, it's funny. I know this because I am a man. Have your husband explain it to you. (Obviously you must have a husband, otherwise why would you be reading about sex advice?))

1. Always remember to breathe.

Oh, come on. People don't need top be told to remember to breathe. . . oh, right, FOX! Carry on.

 3. Take turns. There is nothing more boring than never getting a chance to be up at bat. 

Um, I would say that this advice applies to gay male couples only, but this is FOX, so that can't be.

 10. Accept success and “failure” with grace. Sometimes an interlude will turn out exactly as you hope it will. Other times, though, you might not be so lucky. So, leave the gloating for the professionals and let it go if things, well, fail. There’s always tomorrow and you want to both be in high spirits for the rematch.

Wait, are we still talking about sex? I mean, sex is usually not a competition. And who would be gloating? Do you think a lot of women are pointing at their husbands and chanting "ha ha haha ha, you couldn't get it u-up?" Because I'm fairly certain that a failure for one partner is definitely not a triumph for the other.

Fox on Sex: How to Score Points With Her



Okay, this seems like it could be helpful. A few things a fella can do to make a lady like him more. Do tell!

From the moment she meets you, she starts a virtual bank account in her mind. But you’d never know. She’s adding and subtracting with a pro poker face, using a complex labyrinth of mathematical axioms in which you have emotional credits or debits. You have no clue until you reach an extreme — you find yourself locked out on the front porch or you get handed a fistful of get-out-of-jail-free cards. What are some of the moves that will keep you out of the red?

Also, I have never met or spoken with a woman.

1. Brag about her, at earshot.  

At earshot?
Who says "at earshot?"I've geard the phrase "within earshot," but "at earshot?
But it doesn't matter anyway, because, according to this article's author, all women will constantly monitor every sound you make, every glance of an eyeball, every. . .seriously, who wrote this?

Dr. Belisa Vranich is a psychologist and sex expert. She is the author of three books,

SHE? A woman wrote this? Well, then I guess it must be true when she says things like:

your girl will track your eyeball coordinates with the precision of a nuclear submarine. 
or
She may look engrossed with her conversation, but believe me, one ear is always cocked in your direction.

Oh, here's a good tip:
 3. Rather than rummaging under the car seat for quarters to make that five bucks she needs for gas, give her a ten “just in case” and don’t sweat the change. Sure, you might give up your double shot caramel grande because of it. But suck it up cappuccino-boy, because this will give you Trump-like credit for later.



Okay, five bucks for gas? It really is 1981 in Foxland.
How many ways is this wrong? First of all, how many women are there who have to get money from their husbands like Jane Jetson?

http://runningwithsharpobjects.files.wordpress.com/2013/06/jetsons-money.jpg

When my wife needs to put gas in the car, she doesn't ask me for five bucks, she drives down to the gas station and puts her credit card into the slot at the pump like a normal fucking human being, and pumps the gas all by herself!
Also, if you're married to the type of gold digger whose affections can be bought, ten fucking dollars isn't going to cut it.

http://www.toledoblade.com/image/2011/10/09/800x_b1_cCM_z_ca25,6,363,433_cT/zsa-zsa-gabor-10-09-2011.jpg 
 Not even close, dahling!

And if you're rummaging under the car seat to find enough quarters to put a gallon of gas in the tank, you've got bigger problems than  missing out on your cappuccino, Mr. Trump.

Okay, I can see we're going to have endless hours of fun with "Fox on Sex," but for now, maybe just one more.

 4. She’s crying. Maybe it’s the movie trailer, a movie ending, a commercial with a kitten in it, her grandmother’s funeral, or just that time of the month. [SERIOUSLY?-ed] As she’s starting to look like Alice Cooper and the black mascara is dripping off her chin, tell her she is still beautiful to you when she cries. Even if you are lying.
 
Oh, dear God! I think the title of this article should be "ways to make your wife hate you and want to murder you with sharp pointy objects because you are terrible." Because i really have to think that, on the list of things you might say to a person who is weeping, "you look beautiful when you're crying" has to be pretty much near the bottom  of the list, just above "what's your problem?" and "So, I'm guessing you probably didn't make anything for dinner then?"

Whatever it is she's crying about, there's an approximately  100% chance that it not because she thinks she isn't pretty. I mean, you said it could be her grandmother's funeral, and you want me to say "well, sure we're all gonna miss the old gal, but on the plus side, you sure are purty right now?"

http://image.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/126010/126010,1276425769,1/stock-photo-angry-woman-portrait-after-crying-55079272.jpg 
You know, there's room for one more in that coffin!

At this point, I would just like to reiterate that this column was written by an actual woman. 
This woman:
http://www.synergybyjasmine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/belisa-2-182x300.jpg 


Who is a published author

http://caitlinmitchellstudio.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/1524381_807772515916106_676851037_o.jpg
And was not, surprisingly the writer who felt that people needed to be reminded to breathe. Telling people that they ought to breathe is apparently a common thing in Foxland.


 


Thursday, July 24, 2014

Bad Ads - Bayer Aspirin







Okay, this woman speaks perfect English.
Perfect. Better than me.
See? that should have been "better than I," that's how poorly I spoeak English and I'm a goddamm 'Murican!

So, this woman speaks perfect English, why are you pointing at pictures? And why do you even have a picture of back pain? And you've been on this plane awhile. She's already started the beverage service, and you've been sitting there long enough that your back has seized up, but let's pretend that you're the kind of solipsistic prick who wouldn't have noticed how a lowly service industry person speaks. Maybe then we could excuse the initial picture-pointing, but once you've asked your first question, and she answers in PERFECT NON-ACCENTED ENGLISH, why the fuck are you still pantomiming "not having a heart attack" and "experiencing back pain?" Is it really just impossible for you to accept that this foreigny-looking woman could possibly speak English? Like she says "I have Bayer Aspirin" and you think "weird, her language bears a strong resemblance to English. I wonder what 'Bayer Aspirin' means in her language?"

And also, too, why does Bayer tyhink that they need to raise awareness that ASPIRIN is a pain reliever? Everyone knows this. The word "aspirin" is generally used as a generic term for analgesic, like people will say "I have a headache, do you have any aspirin?" and then other people will reply "sure," and then hand them Tylenol. Everyone knows that aspirin is for pain, that's it's main job. Preventing heart attacks is just sort of a sideline, a hobby. Saying "aspirin is good for pain relief" is like saying "did you know that soccer balls can also be kicked?"

PERFECT FUCKING ENGLISH!!!


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Movie Trailers That Make Me Say "No!"

Trailer # 1: LUCY




No.

Okay, I get that this is supposed to be science fiction, but sci-fi still has to have some basis in reality. Like, if people can build an International Space Station, theoretically, with enough technological advances, they should someday be able to construct a Death Star. Currently, a Death Star is science fiction, but someday it could very well be science fact.

This movie, however is based on the thoroughly debunked *urban legend that humans supposedly use only 10% of their brains. Which makes the entire premise of this movie incredibly stupid, no matter how much gravitas Morgan Freeman brings to the pseudo-scientific narration.

And what if it were true? What if humans only used a small portion of our brains? And Scarlett Johansson somehow was given some drug that allows her to use the other 90%? Would that enable her to learn Chinese in an hour? Maybe. Would it allow her to freeze time, knock people over with telkinesis, and change her hair and eye color at will? That's just fucking stupid.

Maybe the intended audience for this movie is people who have somehow been reduced to 10% brain function?


Trailer # 2: LET'S BE COPS




No.

Okay, first of all, this was an episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."
So now you're going to stretch out that premise for 90 minutes with exponentially less funny people?

No.

Also, this trailer is over a minute long and there is nothing even resembling a laugh in it.


Trailer # 3 : TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES






No.
Just no.

Why?
Why would you think this was something anyone wanted to see?
Somehow the "douchebag frat boys who happen to also be turtles and know karate" thing managed to catch lightning in a bottle and appeal to a particularly obnoxious segment of 1980's children, but do you think that lightning is going to strike twice?

No.
Just no.

Just fucking awful.



*Though an alluring idea, the "10 percent myth" is so wrong it is almost laughable, says neurologist Barry Gordon at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore. "It turns out though, that we use virtually every part of the brain, and that [most of] the brain is active almost all the time," Gordon adds.






My evening in pictures







http://www.maxdenver.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/homer-simpson-tv-sports-pennant.jpg 

 Yea! The Giants are gonna be on TV tonight!
 I hardly ever get to watch a Giants game out here in Atlanta! Play Ball!



 



http://ww1.hdnux.com/photos/30/14/35/6342480/3/628x471.jpg


 Sighhhhh. . .