Sunday, November 23, 2014

Witch Hunt Fails to Find any Witches

So the final ultimate super-duper select committee on the BenghaziBenghaziBengahziImpeachTCOT!!! scandal has filed its final report and even the super sleuths of the Issa Mystery Machine committee found that there was zero wrongdoing on the part of the administration. Zero intelligence failures. Zero delays in response. Zero lies told to the American people.

So it's finally over. We can finally put this nonsense to bed and get on to dealing with actual problems that actually exist. And we'll never have to hear another word. . .

Hahahaha! You wish!

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) on Sunday blasted a House GOP-led investigation that recently debunked myths about the 2012 Benghazi attack. 
“I think the report is full of crap,” Graham said on CNN’s “State of the Union.”

Sighhhhhh. . .  of course.

Keep fucking that chicken, Lindsey!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Saturd80's - Fun Boy Three

Friday, November 21, 2014

Douche quote of the day

When asked if he felt embarrassed about his new contract paying him more per day than mosr Americans make per year, Giancarlo Stanton said this:

.Giancarlo Stanton Quote


You play a game for a living.

What you do is not really "work."  it is certainly not a "huge responsibility."

This is what a job with "huge responsibility" looks like: 

This is what your job looks like:

Huge responsibility:

Your job:

 Spot the difference?

Of course, Stanton's answer may be less douchey than the headline under which it appeared:

Giancarlo Stanton Nailed It When Asked About Making More In 1 Day Than Most Americans Make In A Year

 Business Insider

 Like that was the best possible answer he could have given. There is just no imaginable scenario in which a ballplayer comes up with a better justification for his obscene salary than "um, I do work!" Bullseye, motherfucker!

So why does Business Insider's Cork Gaines (wait. . .Cork? really?) think this was such a spot-on perfect answer?

What Stanton did not point out is that a lot of work went into getting to where he is. While many Americans work hard, Stanton happens to do it in an industry with a lot of money and he does it as well as anybody else in the world.

Ohhhh, right. . . lots of "hard work."

Yeah, it totally makes sense that someone who works hard and excels at a sports game should be paid as much ad, oh, say 500 people who work hard and excel at, say, putting their lives on the line in service to their country? Or educating the next generation? Or building our nation's infrastructure?

So, at Stanton's press conference to announce the contract signing, one reporter asked the slugger if he was embarrassed to make more in one day ($69,000 on average throughout the contract) than most Americans make in an entire year.
Showing why he is this country's next superstar that is more than just a great ballplayer, Stanton kept his poise, smiled, and delivered the perfect answer, noting that this contract "isn't like a lottery ticket."

Wow, I mean if you could keep your poise under those circumstances. . . being asked about the millions and m,illions of dollars you're going to be paid, I mean most of us would probably collapse weeping or throw a chair Bobby Knight style if someone asked us about our newly acquired vast fortune. But he actually managed to smile and say words?


Thursday, November 20, 2014

How is this a Congressman?

You know, they always say you can't judge a book by its cover, but sometimes you can. Because "Screwy Louie" Gohmert is exactly as stupid and nutty as he looks.

Just check out the sentence-fragment casserole he served up while discussing the inevitable next government shutdown that he and his fellow tantrum babies are undoubtedly going to produce:

“But if we’re funding everything he wants except for certain items that are his little pet piece [sic] or saying, like, we’re not going to fund any more golf outings or any more trips, vacations where he and his family travel on different planes. Just things in America go, really Mr. President, you can keep the government running and yet you’re the one saying, ‘No I want my golf outings, I want my czar for this and my czar for that,’ really, you will shut down the government over that?”

How does that even make sense?

I guess if you pretend that a president golfing is something shockingly unusual

And maybe if you pretend that "czars" are somehow , um, something that, um. . . presidents only appoint for frivolous reasons? Or that they're somehow sinister, or that Republicans weren't demanding the appointment of an ebola czar just, like, a month ago? Maybe that might make some kind of sense?

No. It still wouldn't.

I guess if you also pretended that Obama would allow you to shut down the government if you threatened to prevent him playing golf? And that you shutting down the government somehow equals the President shutting down the government?
Then, maybe?

Pretendin' is fun!

How is this a Congressman? 

Think of the stupidest co-worker you've ever had. Gohmert is stupider. Think of your nuttiest relative - the one that you're dreading seeing this Thanksgiving. Gohmert is nuttier. And yet people thought it was a good idea to put him in a position of responsibility. It's mind-blowing. 

Although it's not as horrifying as the fact that this man used to be a judge! He got to make decisions that altered people's lives! Could you imagine going to court seeking justice and seeing this looking down from the bench?


Ah sentence you to be frozen in carbonite and sent to Tatooine! 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

People defending the indefensible

What the hell is wrong with Whoopi Goldberg?

First she defends Roman Polanski, saying that what he committed wasn't "'Rape' rape."

Now she has "a lot of questions" for the women accusing Bill Cosby of drugging and raping them?

Whoopi Goldberg: “I have a lot of questions” for Bill Cosby rape accusers

"The View" co-hosts expressed general skepticism that Cosby raped more than a dozen women over several decades

“Quite honestly, you know, look, I’m sorry, having been on both sides of this where people allege that you do something, it doesn’t matter now,” Goldberg said. “The cat is out of the bag, people have it in their heads. I have a lot of questions for the lady. Maybe she’ll come on.”

You know, I could see maybe if it was one woman. Maybe if there was only one woman saying that Bill Cosby had drugged and raped her, maybe you might think she was a deranged fan or something, but it's been like 12 or 13 different women with very similar stories. And you have "a lot of questions?"

Although Whoopi's "lot of questions" probably aren't as bad as Don Lemon's one question.
Interviewing one of Cosby's accusers, Lemon actually had the gall to ask this:

LEMON: And you said he made you perform oral sex.
LEMON: You -- you know, there are ways not to perform oral sex if you didn't want to do it.
TARSHIS: Oh. Um, I was kind of stoned at the time, and quite honestly, that didn't even enter my mind. Now I wish it would have.
LEMON: Right. Meaning the using of the teeth, right?
TARSHIS: Yes, that's what I'm thinking you're --
LEMON: As a weapon.
TARSHIS: Yeah, I didn't even think of it.
LEMON: Biting. So, um --
LEMON: Yes. I had to ask. I mean, it is, yeah.

No. No you didn't. You absolutely did not have to ask. The only person who might possibly feel compelled to ask that question would be Bill Cosby's defense attorney and I gotta think even he would say "no, I'm a sleazebag lawyer, but even I have my limits."