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Thursday, April 20, 2017

And here I was thinking that Mike Pence was the adult in the room!

You know, for all the horrible things about Mike pence, his smug self-righteousness, his theocratic-fascist leanings, his general assholishness, I at least thought he was sort of a mature, responsible adult. Then I see this:

There has been much discussion in Washington about Pence’s short visit to the demilitarized zone, where he stood outside the Freedom House on the South Korean side of the border and stared into North Korea. Pence wasn’t supposed to walk outside, according to the schedule, but he decided in the moment he wanted to send a message directly to the North Koreans.

He wanted to send a message. He couldn't telephone them? Or e-mail? Or send a telegram? Maybe go old-school? 

 “I thought it was important that we went outside,” he said. “I thought it was important that people on the other side of the DMZ see our resolve in my face.”

 Oh, for the love of . . . SERIOUSLY?
That's what this was?

This was some sort of "strategy" on your part? Showing them your tough-guy face?

 Grandpa Simpson called, he wants his foreign policy strategy back.

By the way, the DMZ is like two and a half  miles wide. You think they picked up on the nuances of your facial expression? You stupid child?
And who do you think is in the guard tower on the other side? You think Kim Jong Un is in there? You think any of his top guys are in there? Or do you think that some poor Korean corporal is grabbing the phone, calling the Presidential Palace and shouting "Mr. President, come quickly! Pence is glaring at us! I think he means business!"

I'ma getcha, North Korea! I'ma getcha!

This is the thinking of a child. A not-particularly-bright child. I jad a friend like this when I was a child. This guy, I assume he's probably in prison now, he had a bizarre obsession with the military, he knew how to do close-order drills and what-not, he would organize us into companies and give us ranks when we played Army guys. But anyway, this friend would say things like this. One time, he was chasing another boy and he picked up a small twig and snapped it in half. Later he said "he sure took off running when he saw me break that stick!"  "I don't know," I said. "It was a pretty small stick, I don't think it was all that scary." "Doesn't matter," replied my friend. "breaking a stick. It's a sign of toughness." That's the mentality of Mike Pence.

 I asked the vice president what he was thinking at that moment.

That's a more diplomatic way of saying "what the hell was going on in your mind when you decided to pull an asinine stunt like that?"
 So. . . that's the Bad Korea over there, right?


Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Two things that can not possibly end well and one that probably will

Alabama Senate OKs Fundamentalist Christian Church Police Force

That has to be some sort of a misleading headline, right? Christian police?

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — The Alabama Senate has voted to allow a church to form its own police force.
Lawmakers on Tuesday voted 24-4 to allow Briarwood Presbyterian Church in Birmingham to establish a law enforcement department.

Oh for God's sake! (no pun intended)

You know, religion-based police forces inevitably end up looking something like this:

And what happens if a crime is committed on church property? Do the real police have jurisdiction? Or is it like college campuses where rape victims have to go to campus police whose main concern is the school's reputation and not costing the football team a possible win? I mean, not that a rape could ever happen in a religious institution or anything. . . oh, right.

Does the church get to have its own jails? What if you're arrested by the church cops for, I don't know, blasphemy or something? Can they hold you in the narthex? Do you get a lawyer? And who will be supervising these church-based police? Who's going to stop them from arresting people for swearing, or being gay, or questioning Scripture? Has anyone thought this through?

Trump’s EPA is reconsidering a rule that limits mercury from power plants

Mercury! Sure, why on Earth would you want to limit the amount of MERCURY that gets spewed into the air? It's not like MERCURY is going to hurt anyone, right?

Elemental and Vaporized Mercury Poisoning Symptoms

Elemental mercury toxicity (which usually occurs in the vaporized form) can cause:
  • mood swings, nervousness, irritability, and other emotional changes,
  • insomnia,
  • headache,
  • abnormal sensations,
  • muscle twitching,
  • tremors,
  • weakness,
  • muscle atrophy, and
  • decreased cognitive functions.
High exposures of elemental mercury can cause kidney malfunction, respiratory failure, and death.

Season 3 GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

So. . . what's the argument for NOT limiting the amount of mercury in the air we all have to breathe?

The Environmental Protection Agency’s Mercury and Air Toxics Standard (MATS) rule has been in place for two years, but, “in light of the recent change in administration” the agency now says it wants time to “fully review” the findings. The U.S. Court of Appeals for the D.C. Circuit was expected to hear oral arguments for the case on May 18.
The rule was the culmination of more than two decades of effort to limit the amount of mercury from coal-fired power plants. In 2015, the Supreme Court, in a 5–4 decision led by Justice Antonin Scalia, found that the EPA had not adequately considered the cost of the regulation.

Fucking Scalia!
The cost.
They hadn't adequately considered the cost. They hadn't taken into consideration that it might be kinda expensive to not poison us all. Sure, we'd all like to avoid kidney failure and death, but what about the profit margin? Won't someone please think of the poor profit margin?

Fucking Scalia!

Neo-Nazi Sues Trump For Making Him Punch A Black Lady At A Rally

You don't say?

Matthew Heimbach claims in his federal court filing that he “acted pursuant to the directives and requests of Donald J. Trump and Donald J. Trump for President” and that, if he’s found liable for damages, “any liability must be shifted to one or both of them.”

The legal fight stems from a March 2016 rally in Louisville, Kentucky, at which protesters were allegedly roughed up and ejected by Trump supporters after the then-candidate barked from the stage “get ’em out of here!”
The protesters filed civil assault and battery claims against Heimbach and two other Trump supporters and accused Trump of inciting his supporters.
Heimbach, a leader of the white supremacist Traditionalist Youth Network and a vocal Trump supporter during the campaign, can be seen in video from the Louisville rally pushing and screaming at a young African-American woman as Trump bellows “get out!”

 hmm, if only there was a way this could get even better. . .

Heimbach, who is representing himself in the case

In Heimbach’s Monday filing, he “denies physically assaulting” any protesters. But he also levies blame at the protesters, writing that they “provoked a response” by trying “to disrupt a free assembly and campaign event and to infringe rights of the defendants and other attendees to freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, freedom to vote and other constitutional rights.”
He writes that he “acted, if at all, in self defense,” as well as “in reasonable defense of others,” while also contending he was acting at Trump’s instruction. 

So. . . I didn't do it. And it was their fault I did it and I only did it in self-defense and Trump told me to do it. To do that thing that I didn't do unless maybe I did in self defense.

Noting that Trump is “a world famous businessman” who “relies on various professionals including attorneys and other professional advisors,” Heimbach writes that he "relied on Trump’s reputation and expertise in doing the things alleged." Heimbach writes that he relied on Trump’s authority to order disruptive persons removed and that Trump was legally within his rights to ask other attendees to assist in defending their constitutional rights "against ‘protesters’ who were disrupting.”

Yes, as everyone knows, legally you are allowed to use force against another person if instructed to do so by a world-famous businessman.

Also, you say he employs "professionals including attorneys?" Have you ever met or seen any of these supposed expert attorneys? Because judging by what he hired to be his doctor. . .

Heimbach’s motion mirrors one filed Friday afternoon by another protester accused of assault in the lawsuit, Alvin Bamberger, a member of the Korean War Veterans Association who also was captured on video pushing Nwanguma.
While Bamberger’s lawyers in their filing said their client “admits only that he touched a woman,” he “denies that he assaulted that woman.”
But Bamberger’s lawyers stressed that “to the extent that Bamberger acted, he did so in response to — and inspired by — Trump and/or the Trump Campaign’s urging to remove the protesters.” They added that Bamberger “had no prior intention to act as he did” and “would not have acted as he did without Trump and/or the Trump Campaign’s specific urging and inspiration.”

Oh my God, there are two of them. Two violent, racist pricks blaming their racist violence on the bloated windbag king of the disillusioned white men. Can he be dragged into court? Probably not. Unless the case goes to trial post-impeachment. But either way, I just don't see any way that this doesn't end spectacularly well!

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Oh, shut up, Mike Pence!

So Mike Pence was in Korea during Easter weekend and gave a speech to some very unfortunate soldiers.:

Remarks by the Vice President and Mrs. Pence to the Troops, Seoul, South Korea

So, when you give a speech it's often recommended that you open with some really obsequious ass-kissing of the most powerful man in the room.

THE VICE PRESIDENT:  Thank you so much, General Brooks.  It is an honor to be with you today on this Easter Sunday, and let me invite a round of applause from all the great soldiers and their families who are gathered here for General Vincent Brooks, and the great leadership that he provides here to United States Forces Korea.  (Applause.) 
General, we are proud -- grateful for your leadership. 

Yeah, that's exactly what the enlisted men and women want to be doing on Sunday morning, applauding the fucking general.

To Chaplain Kim, to Chaplain Wasaki (ph), and to all of those who made the service so special to us, my daughter Audrey already told me that was one of the best sermons she’s heard in a year and a half.  So what a special Easter sermon.  (Applause.)

Okay, what the fuck is wrong with your daughter?
A: Who comments on sermons other than to say "well, at least it wasn't too long!" or "Gawd, I bet Jesus fell asleep halfway through that one!"

B: Who ranks sermons? It's one thing to say "that was the best sermon I've ever heard, I almost stayed awake through the whole thing," but the best she's heard in a year and a half? That's like Elias Sports Bureau level of keeping track of stuff. Does she take notes? I bet she takes notes. Compiles them in some sort of binder. Ranks them in order of inspirationalness or something. You have a weird fucking family, is what I'm getting at, Mr Pence.

I bring greetings this morning from your Commander-in-Chief, President Donald Trump.  (Applause.)  I spoke to the President early today, and I spoke to him on the way over.  And he asked me to be here, and he told me in no uncertain terms to make sure that I told all of you we're proud of you, and we are grateful for your service to the United States of America on this frontier of freedom that is South Korea.  (Applause.)

He'd have been here himself, but y'all just don't have that really good chocolate cake that he likes. Plus those golfballs aren't gonna hit themselves, right?

 Also, are we seriously pretending that standing on a strip of land between the two Koreas is doing some sort of service to the United States?

In fact, I can say with confidence that every American is proud of your service here, and the attention that this part of the world has gotten from people back home is probably no surprise to all of you who are gathered here today.  This morning’s provocation from the north is just the latest reminder of the risks each one of you face every day in the defense of the freedom of the people of South Korea and the defense of America in this part of the world.

Hey, here's a fun fact. America is not in this part of the world! So these men and women who signed up to serve their country are sitting there potentially in harm's way for what, exactly? The "defence of the freedom of the people of South Korea?" Oh, your families must be so proud. Because as we all know, if Seoul falls, next comes, um . . . that's probably pretty much it. The threat never makes it anywhere near America.

Pictured: North Korean Missile program.

THE VICE PRESIDENT:  It is the greatest privilege of my life to serve as Vice President to a President who cares so deeply about the men and women of our armed forces and their families.

Of course, neither Il Douche nor myself actually ever got around to serving in the military, but if the President were here instead of on the golf course, he'd probably spew the same empty platitudes about your service that I have.

And let me promise those family members and all of you in uniform here today that under President Trump’s leadership, we're going to rebuild our military.  We're going to restore the arsenal of democracy.  We're going to give our soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, and Coast Guard the resources you need and deserve to accomplish the mission you are given and come home safe.  That's a promise from your Commander-in-Chief.  (Applause.) 

You know, a promise. Like "Mexico's gonna pay for the wall," or "I will defeat ISIS in 30 days," or repealing and replacing Obamacare will be done Day one." Those kind of promises.
Also, is it really advisable to tell an audience of service members that the military needs to be rebuilt? Like, "you may feel like members of the finest fighting force ever assembled, but trust me the American Army is in a fucking shambles! You guys couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag right now. Honest to God, I'm amazed the Russians haven't just walked in and taken over yet!"

This is a challenging time all over the world, but especially here in the Asia Pacific.

Um, the "Asia Pacific" is the part of the world you find most challenging right now? Not, say, Syria? Or Iraq? Turkey, maybe? Russia? It's the Korean Peninsula that's got you losing sleep?

The opportunity for me to be here today at such a time as this is a great privilege for me, but let me assure you under President Trump’s leadership, our resolve has never been stronger.

I'm not sure you understand what the word "resolve" means. "Resolve" is not generally shown by someone who has big plans for handling North Korea, then spends 10 minutes talking to the Chinese President and says "oh, man. That's all way more complicated than I thought. Maybe I'll just go play golf instead."

Our commitment to this historic alliance with the courageous people of South Korea has never been stronger.  And with your help and with God’s help, freedom will ever prevail on this peninsula.

How much bravery does it take to be SOUTH Korea right now?
Your country looks like this:

You have a manufacturing base that turns out some of the finest products in the world, from smartphones to cars. You can't possibly have any trouble manufacturing weaponry.

Meanwhile the country who is your biggest threat looks like this:

Their military is apparently composed of gamine teens with possibly toy guns.

And this is the height of their technology:

And standing between them and you is the military might of the United States of goddamm America. I'm not an especially brave man, but I think I would sleep comfortably there.

But it is Easter Sunday, and as I look out at all these courageous Americans and courageous Koreans who are gathered here today, I’m deeply humbled.  I truly am.  We celebrate today what Karen and I and those of us gathered here recall as that Resurrection Sunday, and that worship service was so sublime. 
But it puts me to mind of one of my favorite stories in the Old Book.

Okay, it's the "GOOD Book." Not the "Old Book." No one calls it the "old Book." If you're going to get all pious on Easter Sunday, at least show some familiarity with the Bible/ 

  It’s the story of a moment where the Nazarene encountered a soldier.  The soldier walked up to him and told him that he had someone ill in his home, and he asked if he might take action to be helpful. 

What?!?!? "Take action to be helpful?"
Also, there are two versions of this story in the New Testament, and in neither does the Centurion ask Jesus to take any action or to be helpful.

Here's the first:

Matthew 8:5-13King James Version (KJV)

5 And when Jesus was entered into Capernaum, there came unto him a centurion, beseeching him,
And saying, Lord, my servant lieth at home sick of the palsy, grievously tormented.
And Jesus saith unto him, I will come and heal him.

The Centurion just tells Jesus that his servant is sick. Jesus volunteers to go and heal him, without being asked because that's the kind of stand-up guy Jesus was.


Here is the second:

Luke 7:1-10King James Version (KJV)

Now when he had ended all his sayings in the audience of the people, he entered into Capernaum.
And a certain centurion's servant, who was dear unto him, was sick, and ready to die.
And when he heard of Jesus, he sent unto him the elders of the Jews, beseeching him that he would come and heal his servant.
And when they came to Jesus, they besought him instantly, saying, That he was worthy for whom he should do this:

In this version, it's "the elders of the Jews" that ask Jesus to heal the man's servant.
In neither version does a "soldier" ask Jesus to "take action to be helpful." Can you imagine how rude that would have been? "Hey, Jesus. My servant is sick. Why don't you make yourself useful and maybe take some action for a change, you lazy Messiah?"

I don't mean to be nit-pickey, but you're the unctuous bastard who's going around talking Bible stories like you're the Vice President of the Vatican.

 And as Jesus began to walk with him, he said, no, you don't need to come with me.  He said, I’m a man under authority.  He said, I tell one to do this and he does it.  I tell another to do this and he does it.  He said, you just say the word and that servant under my household will be healed.
The words that ever struck me from that story were there at that crossroads, the story recalls in a little town called Capernaum.  It simply said that Jesus was amazed.
At no other point in any of the stories of his life do I hear that he was amazed, except when he was speaking to a soldier.  Because he saw orientation to authority and he saw faith.
 [emphasis added]

WHAT? Orientation to authority? That's what you think amazed Jesus?
Because this is how the story actually ends:

In Luke:
When Jesus heard these things, he marvelled at him, and turned him about, and said unto the people that followed him, I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel.

In Matthew:
10 When Jesus heard it, he marvelled, and said to them that followed, Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel.
11 And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven.

In both versions, Jesus marvels at the fact that a Centurion, a Roman, a Gentile, had such a strong faith in him, stronger than any of his own people. It has nothing to do with the Centurion's devotion to authority or whatever. I know you'd love to find a verse in which Jesus approves of your Christ-fascism, but this one ain't it. Neither are any of the others. Because Jesus was not some authoritarian theocrat.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Why is this in a newspaper?

Look, I know the New York Post is garbage. Rupert-Murdoch-owned garbage. But you's think they'd have some sort of standards. No?

Why I won’t date hot women anymore

Um, mostly because they keep saying "no?"

When it came to dating in New York as a 30-something executive in private equity, Dan Rochkind had no problem snagging the city’s most beautiful women.
“I could have [anyone] I wanted,” says Rochkind, now 40 and an Upper East Sider with a muscular build and a full head of hair. “I met some nice people, but realistically I went for the hottest girl you could find.”

You left out "Dear Penthouse Forum. . . "

He spent the better part of his 30s going on up to three dates a week, courting 20-something blond models, but eventually realized that dating the prettiest young things had its drawbacks — he found them flighty, selfish and vapid.

And if there's one thing that a guy who goes for the hottest girls he can find can't stand, it's people who are selfish and vapid!

Hmmph! They're so shallow!

“Beautiful women who get a fair amount of attention get full of themselves,” he says. “Eventually, I was dreading getting dinner with them because they couldn’t carry a conversation.”

 "She's so full of herself" said the guy who says he can get any woman he wants.

Also, it's a well-known fact that  no woman can be both sexy and intelligent. You have to pick one or the other, duh!

According to new research, Rochkind’s ideas about sexy bikini babes are correct. A multipart study from Harvard University, University of La Verne and Santa Clara University researchers found that beautiful people are more likely to be involved in unstable relationships.

I don't suppose it has anything to do with the fact that these "sexy bikini babes" are often seen dating men who "just go for the hottest girl" they can find and believe that they can "have anyone they want?"
No, if Harvard U. is involved, I'm sure the methodology must be impeccable!

 In one part, the researchers looked at the top 20 actresses on IMDb and found that they tend to have rocky marriages.

Wait, what? That's your. . . first of all your sample size is TWENTY? And there's no control group, and the subjects are nowhere near randomly chosen and "having rocky marriages" is defined as what, exactly? Are you sure Harvard is involved in this shit?
( I looked it up. They were. Oy.)

In another, women were asked to judge the attractiveness of 238 men based on their high school yearbook photos from 30 years ago. The men who were judged to be the best-looking had higher rates of divorce.

Looking to avoid such a fate, Rochkind started dating a woman who isn’t a bikini model, Carly Spindel, in January 2015. The two are now happily engaged.
The two met after Spindel’s mother, matchmaker Janis Spindel, scouted Rochkind at a gym.

Right. If you want a stable srteady relationship ypu want the kind of gal whose mother pimps her out to dudes she sees at the gym!

“I gave him my card and said I have the perfect girl for him,” recalls Janis, founder of Serious Matchmaking, based in Midtown. “Successful men who are in shape have the pickings when it comes to dating, [but] eventually they want a woman of substance.

Yes. . . "substance."

Rochkind found that in Carly, 30, a lovely brunette who’s the vice president of her mother’s matchmaking company and a Syracuse University graduate. Rochkind proposed to her last May in Central Park. He loves that Carly isn’t like the swimsuit models he used to go for.

Oh. um, yes. . . what a "plain Jane." 

“From my personal experience, people who are better looking are less likely to pursue advanced degrees, or play an instrument or learn other languages,” says Benedict Beckeld, a 37-year-old Brooklyn writer with a doctorate in philosophy and the body of an Adonis. But he’s quick to note that he’s not just a great set of abs — he also plays the violin and speaks seven languages.

In my experience, most hot people aren't also super smart and cultured like me.   I'm not just a set of abs, but seriously, check out these abs! Also, I'm so smart! Honestly, ladies, if you're looking for the whole package, I'm really your only option!

After dating an athletic banker with model good looks for two years, Sonali Chitre, 34, has sworn off hotties.
“He was a Nazi about his diet and would work out hard-core and cared more about his body than just living life,” says Chitre, who broke up with the finance guy last October.

And if this one hot guy was a dud in the personality department, obviously all hot guys must be equally dull. That's just science!

Chitre, an environmental lawyer and the founder of Priyamvada Sustainability Consulting, considers herself “a 9 or a 10,” but she says she’s done with gorgeous guys. Now, she’s more interested in “superballer” men with high-paying careers.

So. . . your good-looking boyfriend was shallow and self-absorbed. Your answer is to focus on dating guys with lots of money? Because you don't like shallow, self-absorbed people? Even though yu apparently are one? I'm so confused.

Also, no "hot" guys are ever "super-ballers" with high-paying careers.

Megan Young, a 23-year-old p.r. woman from Hoboken, NJ, also changed her dating habits. The svelte, blue-eyed brunette used to exclusively date 6-foot-tall dudes who looked like Calvin Klein models.
“As a person who’s always been complimented on [my] ‘stunning beauty’ … I’d been searching for a ‘hot’ guy to match the label I had always been given,” says Young. “But after a date or two, they’ll have problems hanging out with you and then will ghost.”

Hmm. . . you're saying that these guys tire of dating a grown-ass woman who uses expressions like "ghost," and talks about her own "stunning beauty?"

 And, not for nothing honey, but "stunning beauty" is being awwwwfully generous!

Last year, she stopped putting looks at the top of her dating criteria on Bumble, instead opting for guys who traveled a lot and were “make the most out of their lives” types. In August 2016, she met Christopher Argese, a 27-year-old security technician. Unlike the square-jawed bachelors who disrespected her, Argese is more boy-next-door in the looks department. But he’s kind and attentive.
“He’s not a model, but he’s so much more attractive in who he is as a person,” Young says.
And best of all, she says, Argese doesn’t just see her as a status symbol.
“When I asked him why he loves me, he said that he loves my drive and my passion,” Young says.

Oh fer the love of. . . Jeezus, Megan, of course that's what he said. What's he going to say? "Why do I love you? Let me count the ways - uh, you're purty and guys are impressed when they see me with a purty lady!" Did the model-looking guys tell you that they just saw you as arm candy? You think the hot-model dudes saw you as a status symbol, but Homely McSchlub barely noticed your "stunning beauty" and just loves your mind? Wouldn't the hot model guys always have gorgeous women on their arms?If anyone would be able to see past your looks, it should be guys that are used to dating beautiful women.

Anyway, this article has given us the reasons that Megan Young, Sonali Chitre, Dan Rochkind and Benedict Beckeld no longer date "hot" people. We have yet to hear a single reason why the author, Christian Gollayan, doesn't.  I think the main reason can be deduced by a simple Google image search:

Sorry, Victoria's Secret models, not interested!

But one question remains: WHY THE HELL IS THIS IN A NEWSPAPER?


Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Lunatic interviewed by Idiot

Maybe Il Douche should just stop giving interviews altogether.

President Trump’s thoroughly confusing Fox Business interview

TRUMP: Well, look, you know because you cover it.  We've done an amazing job on regulations.  We've freed it up.  We freed up this country so much, the miners and energy and the banking system is now coming, too, with Dodd-Frank, which is a disaster.

Yes. everything is fixed now.  All the miners are back to work. And energy. There is definitely energy. That exists.

We freed up so much and we're getting great, great credit for it.  We have done so much for so many people.  I don't think that there is a presidential period of time in the first 100 days where anyone has done nearly what we've been able to do.

And for those of you keeping score at home, that includes a ban on Muslims that was overturned, a second ban on Muslims which was also overturned and. . . um. . .  A couple botched military actions?

And he's getting such great, great credit for this that his approval rating is nearly 40 percent!

And on top of it, we just had — during the first 100 days, a Supreme Court justice approved, not just nominated, but approved through a very, very hostile environment.

Um, yeah. That's not really an accomplishment. That's just how it's supposed to work. When there is a vacancy on the Court, the president nominates a replacement and the Senate confirms that person. That's pretty much standard procedure unless the President is black.

And it's really odd that you think nominating someone is some sort of impressive feat. Like not only did we nominate him. . .  It takes no effort to nominate a judge. You just say "I nominate Judge Smith" or whoever, then your staff fills out whatever paperwork there is for your signature and you're done. I'm sure your staff probably told you this is very difficult, but that's because you have surrounded yourself with complete incompetents.

We have thousands of jobs all across the country.
Look at what's going on in Michigan with the expansion of the plants by Ford, by General Motors, yesterday Toyota announced that they're going to spend $1.3 to $1.9 billion in Kentucky.

All of which was on the books for at least a year.

And different things.

Wait. that's a sentence?

And different things.  I mean the car industry is not going to leave us anymore, believe me.  The car industry is staying in our country.  They were leaving — if I didn't win this election, you would have lost your car industry to Mexico and to other countries.  They're not leaving anymore, believe me.  There's retribution if they leave.  There was no retribution.

Well, I'm not sure what you mean by the auto industry "leaving us." Hyundai built an auto plant in Alabama in 2005. Kia opened a factory in Georgia in 2009.  BMW put an additional $1 billion investment into their existing South Carolina plant in 2014.
And it's not just overseas car companies that see the American South as their third-world sweatshop destination. GM expanded production in Missouri in 2015, the same year Chrysler started building transmissions in Indiana.

TRUMP:  Yes, I am waiting right now for so many people.
BARTIROMO:  You're under staffed.
TRUMP:  Hundreds and hundreds of people.  And then they'll say, why isn't Trump doing this faster?
You can't do it faster, because they're obstructing.  They're obstructionists.
So I have people — hundreds of people that we're trying to get through.  I mean you have — you see the backlog.  We can't get them through.

 Oh, it's because of "obstructionists." Right! It has nothing to do with the fact that no one on your team has the slightest clue how to put together a staff, how to fill agency vacancies, or even how many or what type of people you need. If Democrats were "obstructionists," wouldn't they have tried to stop disasters like Betsy DeVos, Ben Carson, or Rick "I don't know what my own agency does but I'd like to eliminate it" Perry? Wouldn't they have at least tried to keep a notorious racist from becoming attorney general?
Or are you just congenitally incapable of ever taking responsibility for your own actions?

TRUMP:  And then the newspapers will say Trump doesn't get them through.  Well, not — nothing to do with me.

Well, I guess that answers that question.

BARTIROMO:  Well, people are still wondering, though, they're scratching their heads, right, so many Obama-era staffers are still here.

Yes, people who have no idea how anything works are definitely wondering that!

For example, was it a mistake not to ask Jim Comey to step down from the FBI at the outset of your presidency?
Is it too late now to ask him to step down?
TRUMP:  No, it's not too late, but, you know, I have confidence in him.  We'll see what happens.  You know, it's going to be interesting.

Oh really? You have confidence in the man who helped hand you the presidency? You don't say!

  Don't forget, when Jim Comey came out, he saved Hillary Clinton.  People don't realize that.  He saved her life, because — I call it Comey won.  And I joke about it a little bit.

 Um, James Comey ran a very public criminal investigation of your opponent Hillary Clinton which turned out to be completely baseless. After announcing her exoneration, he then made public the absolute bullshit that some of the e-mails she had sent to her top aide were also to be found on that aide's computer and he's not saying that this means she committed all the crimes, but he's not NOT saying it either, wink, wink.
Not sure how that translates into "saving Hillary Clinton."

When he was reading those charges, she was guilty on every charge.  And then he said, she was essentially OK.  But he — she wasn't OK, because she was guilty on every charge.
And then you had two and then you had three.
But Hillary Clinton won — or Comey won.  She was guilty on every charge.

Let's see. Who would know better whether someone had committed crimes, tghe director of the FBI or a senile buffoon who believes whatever was the last thing he read on Breitbart that morning? Hmmm. . . who to believe?

Also, what the fuck is "then you had two and then you had three?"

What does that even refer to?

TRUMP:  Well, because I want to give everybody a good, fair chance.  Director Comey was very, very good to Hillary Clinton, that I can tell you.  If he weren't, she would be, right now, going to trial.
BARTIROMO:  Are you going to push that?
Are you going to put...
TRUMP:  No, I don't want to talk about that, I want to talk about (INAUDIBLE).

Hey, just because I campaigned on "Lock Her Up!" doesn't mean I'm gonna try and lock her up! What am I, Mr. truth-telling guy all of a sudden? Am I little Petey Promise-Keeper?

 But it's so obvious.  When you look at Susan Rice and what's going on, and so many people are coming up to me and apologizing now.  They're saying you know, you were right when you said that.

NO. No one is apologizing to you. You were wrong, everyone knows you were wrong, no one thinks you were right.

Perhaps I didn't know how right I was, because nobody knew the extent of it.  (INAUDIBLE)...
BARTIROMO:  When you sent that...
TRUMP:  — what they did...
BARTIROMO:  — was that what you were referring to, the Susan Rice?
TRUMP:  Oh, sure.  We're talking about surveillance.  It was wiretapped in quotes.  "The New York Times" said the word wiretapped in the headline of the first edition.  Then they took it out of there fast when they realized.

You sent three Tweets claiming to have been wiretapped. In only ONE of those was the word "wiretapped" in quotes.  Are you not going to call him on this, Bartiromo?

But I put wiretapped in quotes, meaning, because, look, wiretapping is an old-fashioned...
TRUMP:  — there are too many wires anymore, right?
TRUMP:  You don't have a lot of wires.  Look at this room.  This room used to have a lot of wires.  Now it doesn't have so many wires.

But we talked about surveillance or whatever.  And you look at the extent of the surveillance.  Me and so many other people, it's terrible.
BARTIROMO:  She said she didn't do it for political reasons.  Susan Rice...
TRUMP:  — does anybody really believe that?

Yes. Yes, everyone believes that. Well, anyone who knows what the hell they're talking about. Susan Rice was monitoring Russian mobsters. She rightly wanted to know to whom these mobsters were talking. If your guys, if  Manafort or Carter Page or General Flynn turned out to be the guys on the other end of the line, well that's kinda on them. And you.
She would have been derelict in her duties had she not had the guys talking to Russian mobsters "unmasked."

TRUMP:  Well, I think many.  We are going to have we are going to have tax reform at some point very soon.  I think we're doing very well on health care.  It's been very much misreported that we failed with health care.  We haven't failed, we're negotiating and we continue to negotiate and we will save perhaps $900 billion.

Oh my GAWD! you have both houses of Congress and you still couldn't pass the one thing that every goddamm one of them has been promising their constituents for 6 years now. You couldn't get your own party to pass a bill that they had been practice-passing for the last half-decade. That is the epitome of failure!

Then I skip ahead because I'm just getting so nauseous when I see the stupidest thing ever said and it isn't even said by Trump. It's said by Maria Bartiromo:

We've just fired 59 missiles, all of which hit, by the way, unbelievable, from, you know, hundreds of miles away, all of which hit, amazing.
BARTIROMO:  Unmanned?

Yes. The missiles were unmanned. No passengers onboiard the goddamm Tomohawk fucking missiles! Wait. You're telling me that these missiles flew all the way to Syria without pilots? BRILLIANT!