Wednesday, July 29, 2015

We need a new Australia

We need some sort of desert island where we can send people who are not exactly criminals, or bad people, but need to be removed from decent society.
People like:

1. People who smoke at the beach

Oh, hey, thanks for that, buddy. I was so tired of smelling that clean salty air. Hey, if it's not too much trouble could you maybe stand right in front of me to block my view of the water and shriek curse words to cover the sound of the waves?

2. People who respond to the question "how you doin'?" with "I'm blessed!"

 Screen Shot 2015-07-26 at 8.36.41 PM
 Yeahhhh. . . I was just making small talk. Didn't really sign up for a sermon, there Reverend.

3. Marketers who use the "Peace symbol, Heart, Product" template.

It's not funny, it's not clever, it's certainly not original. And it's kinda shitty to be coopting the concepts of peace and love to sell some stupid product.

Also, whoever is making and/or wearing those "Keep Calm and. . ." T-shirts.

Just stop it. It's not amusing. It's just annoying. And it's a frivolous use of the slogan that was an attempt to help Londoners get through the Blitz.

4. People who put "I Love my Kids" stickers on their cars.$_35.JPG

Oh, do you? You love your kids, do ya? Really? Wow, what a fucking accomplishment! You've managed to achieve an emotional state mastered only by every living creature except goldfish and Susan Smith! Well, where's your parade? How have they not built a statue of you yet? I can surely see how you'd take such pride in this state of affairs that you'd want all the other commuters to know what a fine fine human being you are!

5. These people

These people who can't get on a bicycle without putting on the entire Greg LeMonde ensemble like they're in the Tour de France.
Look, it's perfectly admirable that you're biking to work. It's great that you're choosing a zero-emission vehicle and improving your health and probably having some fun. But you're commuting. You're not qualifying for the Olympics. You really need to shave that tenth of a second off your time to Globotech?
People have been riding bicycles for over a century. And for most of bicycling history, they've done it dressed like this.
You don't need a special bicycle-riding outfit.
No one needs to see you in neck-to-knee spandex, no matter how in shape you are. 
You don't have to wear some ridiculous get-up that makes you look like a rejected superhero prototype. In fact, you don't need to wear anything at all.

So who else? Who else needs to be sent to an island? Leave your nominees in the comments and we'll start rounding them up.

And for the record, I know Australia was not a deserted island. I know that there were people already living there when the Brits started shipping prisoners there and that those people were and still are treated very badly by the Brits. I know.

Monday, July 27, 2015

How Was I not Invited?

We all have the right to celebrate the way of life we have chosen for ourselves. In the name of equality & equal rights, I have created this event to celebrate our right to be heterosexual, and to encourage younger heterosexuals that they should be proud of their heterosexuality (:

What, did my invitation get lost in the mail?
I'm Heterosexual.
I have pride.
I love Parades.
And I have to assume that the hetero parade has gotta be a flashy, splashy celebration of all things hetero!
Like this?

Sports and Boobies. Yep, that's it in a nutshell!

Although. . . now that I think about it, has our right to be heterosexual ever been challenged? Why is this parade really necessary?

There is a lot of negativity pouring in from the gay, bisexual, transgender communities. Kin of a double standard if you ask me. We mean no harm by celebrating. This is a positive event for heterosexuals. If you don't like the fact that we are having a parade to celebrate our beliefs, feel free to show up and protest. We are doing nothing more than celebrating what we believe in, and do not appreciate discrimantion from any other groups. We are not discriminating, simply celebrating our right to be heterosexual 

  • Mary Jo CT Stand straight and tall forever Son/Brother.
    3 hrs · Like · 1
  • Stanley Wallings well as hetero's are the minority I feel sad for him come to Europe we have blonde angels who like men ...

 Oh, right. I forgot about all the imaginary negativity and fictitious discrimination! Of course!

So, anyway, sorry I missed it. How was the turnout?

One person? One hetero person showed up for hetero pride day?

Oh, I'm sorry. I should really take this more seriously. It certainly must have been a rough day for. . .

I'm sorry, I just can't. I can't keep a straight face.
So to speak.

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Saturd80's - Shriekback

Shriekback was formed in the early 80's by a former member of Gang of Four and a former member of XTC. You can hear a lot of GO4 in their music, mailnly in Dave Allen's bass-playing, although I don't hear any XTC influence.
Shriekback had a funky dance beat with a weird, spooky menace to the vocals. Here are a few songs I remember and one I definitely was not aware of until I started searching YouTube for this post, a KC & the Sunshine Band cover(!?!?)

Friday, July 24, 2015

Who can say the stupidest thing about Donald Trump?

Ordinarily, when we have a "who's stupider?" post here at the Daily Irritant, we do it in a game-show style competition. But why bother? No one's going to out-stupid Palin!

First on CNN: Palin calls both McCain and Trump heroes

Why, yes. Yes she is!

Washington (CNN)Asked about the dispute between Donald Trump and Sen. John McCain, R-Arizona

Wait, let me stop you right there. Who the fuck is asking Palin about anything? C'mon, CNN, you're you used to be better than that!

Asked about the dispute between Donald Trump and Sen. John McCain, R-Arizona -- the candidate at the top of the ticket when she was 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee -- former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin Monday afternoon called both men heroes.

See, this is why there are no other contestants tonight. We're at sentence one and she's already at hall-of-fame levels of stupid.

"I have the good fortune of knowing both John McCain and Donald Trump well," Palin told CNN in an email.

Yeah, and at least one of them despises you.

Probably both, if they both really do know you well.

  "Sen. McCain dedicated his life to serving our country, and in my humble opinion the sacrifices made by all ethical service members are heroic -- putting it all on the line to defend freedom IS heroic -- and Donald Trump is a hero in another arena." 

I see. And, um. . . how do you figure?

 John McCain put his life on the line to defend, well not "freedom" exactly, but I guess the non-Communist government of South Vietnam? In service to his country. And Trump risked what, exactly in the service of what noble cause? 

 Trump is the candidate giving voice to untold millions of fed-up Americans witnessing a purposeful destruction of our economy and the equal opportunity for success that made America exceptional,"

Yes, nothing says "equal opportunity for success" like a man whose success is in large part due to having been born wealthy.

"We're watching career politicians throw away our kids' future through bankrupting public budgets and ripping open our porous borders which, obvious to all us non-politicians, puts us at great risk."

 Um, couple things. . .

First, why would we need to rip open borders if they're already so porous? And who do you think is doing the ripping? (Never mind, I'm sure it's "Obama." The answer is always "Obama.")
Also, bankrupting public budgets? That's you guys. Your pathological need to cut taxes again and again is what bankrupts public budgets.

See, for instance:

Kansas revenues will fall $1 billion short of 2015 and 2016 expenses

Read more here:

Read more here:

Seeming to take issue with some of the language used by McCain in the past to describe attendees at Trump rallies and some of the Senate tea party members, Palin added, "Everywhere I go, hard-working patriotic Americans -- not 'crazies' or 'wacko birds' -- ask me to pass on to Mr. Trump encouragement to keep educating the masses about true ramifications of illegal immigration, and in general the real state of our union."

Okay, that's just a lie. No one is asking you to pass along messages to Donald Trump. If they wanted to get a message to Trump, it's not that hard. Dude's always on Twitter. Usually making  Schoolyard taunts about someone's weight, but still. You can get a message to him whenever you like. I'm sure he's probably on Facebook and Snapchat and whatever social media rich people use that we aren't allowed to know about.

And even if someone didn't understand the interwebs or whatever, they aren't asking you to pass Trump a note in homeroom.
The only two responses to meeting you in public are "Duh, hey Misstess Palin, kin I git yer autygraph?" or "Ew, ew, it's Palin! Ick, where's the Purell?"
 They certainly aren't saying "Say, Sarah, next time you talk to Mr. Trump, please pass along my words of encouragement to keep opening his fat yap and spewing out the kind of toxic nonsense that this country really needs."

So, anyway, to sum up:


 And that is why Sarah Palin is the winner of Who Can Say The Stupidest Thing About Donald Trump!

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Florida Headline of the Day

Florida Blames Armadillos For Higher-Than-Usual Number Of Leprosy Cases

Dr. Richard Truman politely pretended to have no idea how this could be happening.

Though it is possible to get leprosy from armadillos, Dr. Richard Truman of the National Hansen’s Disease Program says the “specific mechanisms” for transmission are unknown. 
“Long term, close direct contact with the blood or tissue of infected animals would likely pose the greatest risk for exposure,” he told Medical Daily.
Yes, there's just no way of knowing how one could possibly catch a disease from an armadillo. Especially one that requires long-term, close, direct contact. It's a mystery.

“Some of our patients have reported hunting or cooking armadillos, but others report that they have never had any direct contact with armadillos,” he said. 
Right. Just like I never had any direct contact with that woman, Miss Lewinsky!

Though the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention finds the risk of contracting leprosy from an armadillo to be low, the center still warns people to shun these animals.

And by "these animals," they mean people who catch diseases from armadillos.,fl_progressive,q_80,w_636/18e7kphodjj6fjpg.jpg