Wednesday, August 24, 2016

News From a Parallel Universe

Apparently, there really is a parallel universe, similar to our own but also different in a Bizzarro-World kind of way. And, much like the Demogorgon, Donald Trump has seemingly slipped into our dimension from the "upside down."

It may interest you to know what news Trump brings from the parallel world. Well, glad you asked! It seems that in the dimension Trump is from, the main reason that Bizzaro Chicago has so much crime is that the Bizzarro Police has been handling its citizens with kid gloves.

Pushed by Fox News host Bill O’Reilly to provide specifics on curbing violent crime in cities like Chicago, Donald Trump said Monday that he would simply put “tough” cops in charge.
“So, specifically, specifically. How do you do it? How do you do it?” O’Reilly asked.
“I know police in Chicago,” Trump replied. “If they were given the authority to do it, they would get it done.”
“How? How?” O’Reilly pressed.
“You have unbelievable—how? By being very much tougher than they are right now,” Trump said. “They are right now not tough.

 Well, I guess it depends on your definition of "tough." Is it "tough" to chase a kid into a backyard and shoot him in the back?

I don't know, I would call that pretty cowardly.
This guy would seemingly disagree.

But extrajudicial executions are only happening in OUR dimension. In the upside down, police are afraid to do much of anything, lest they be - I don't know, disciplined in some way for killing an unarmed citizen? 
Also, in this universe, Trump is leading in the polls!

I could tell you this very long and quite boring story but when I was in Chicago, I got to meet a couple of very top police.
I believe the departmental  ranks go: Lieutenant, Captain, Very Top.

I said, ‘How do you stop this? How do you stop this? If you were put in charge,’ to a specific person, ‘Do you think you could stop it?’ He said, ‘Mr. Trump, I would be able to stop it in one week.’ And I believed him 100 percent.” 

He said that and I believed him completely. Uncritical credulity is a desirable trait in a president, right?

O’Reilly: How? Did he tell you how he’d be able to stop it?
Trump: No, he just wants to use tough — he wants to use tough police tactics, which is OK. You have people being killed. 
Pictured: The not-tough-enough tactics currently employed by police.

O’Reilly: All right. So your tone is pro-police.
Trump: You have to give them back their spirit.
O’Reilly: How do you stop the bad guys from attacking them?
Trump: By giving them back your spirit and by allowing them to go and counterattack. I mean it’s ridiculous what’s happening, they’re not respecting the police anymore, and the police are afraid to do anything […] they don’t wanna lose their job.

Huh! That's weird. See, here in our universe, pretty much every day there's a new hashtag on Twitter with the name of someone killed by police. And every day, it seems a cop is put on "paid administrative leave," not charged with anything and then welcomed back to the force.

Pictured: Police officers who did not lose their jobs. And don't seem "afraid to do anything."

“It’s a little bit like, we could win the war a lot more quickly if we’d let our generals do the job properly.”
Hm, that sounds familiar. I'm guessing we should probably bomb Chicago back to the Stone Age?

Now Today comes this headline:

Chicago Police Say Trump Lied About Meeting ‘Top’ Cop to Talk ‘Tough Police Tactics’

Yeah, Chicago P.D. That meeting never took place in OUR universe. You need to check with the Bizzaro Chicago PD. In the Upside Down.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Comforting News

For anyone who was afraid that a President Trump wouldn't surround himself with qualified, serious advisors, worry no more!

Michele Bachmann: I'm advising Trump on foreign policy

Oh, what a relief! I was afraid he'd go with someone monstrously unqualified!

Tea Party firebrand Michele Bachmann says she is advising Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on foreign policy. 
The former Minnesota congresswoman attended a fundraiser in the state for Trump on Saturday, where she revealed to the press that she has his ear on foreign policy. “He also recognizes there is a threat around the world, not just here in Minnesota, of radical Islam,” she said, according to MPR News.

Oh my God, really? Because all this time I was thinking it was just Minnesota! Are there really other places in the world where Islamic radicals might be a problem?  I mean, you should really be advising both candidates with that kind of inside knowledge!

God, imagine being "advised" on foreign policy by this nut!

The person whose approach to diplomatic relations with the state of Israel is based on fear of being cursed.

Who wouldn't want to be advised by a woman so astute that she thinks this guy is heterosexual?

I imagine a lot of conversations like:

"Mr. President, there's a situation brewing in the Middle East!"

"What is it,  Secretary Bachmann? And don't say the Anti-Christ!"

"Oh. Um, never mind Mr. President."

Could you imagine? You're the President of the United States, you call in your foreign policy advisor to ask about rumors you're hearing about a possible new terrorist threat and you get something like:

"Now think carefully, Mr. President. Did this beast have seven heads or ten? And were there crowns upon each of his heads when he rose from the sea?"

'cuz if it's this guy, we're fucked!

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Asshole of the day

CEO Tim Cook Decides Apple Doesn’t Have to Pay Corporate Tax Rate Because It’s “Unfair”

Here’s what Apple CEO Tim Cook had to say about it in a long interview published this weekend in the Washington Post:
We’ve said at 40 percent, we’re not going to bring it back until there’s a fair rate. There’s no debate about it. Is that legal to do or not legal to do? It is legal to do. It is the current tax law.

Oh, a fair rate? How does fuck you percent sound? You know, it's sickening enough when your average company hides its money offshore because they don't want to pay taxes, but Apple? What kind of business do you think you'd have right now if the United States government hadn't spent millions and millions of our taxpayer dollars to create and develop the internet? You think you'd be selling a lot iPhones if the internet didn't exist? How would iTunes work exactly? Would there be little iTunes store in the mall where kids could go and have a guy pluc their iPod into a bigger computer and transfer the mp3 to their device? Or maybe the stores coulf=d sell songs pre-loaded on zip drives. Or cd-roms? Maybe it would look something like this?

Libertarians in general drive me up a fucking wall, but when I heard that there was a subset known as "Silicon Valley Libertarians," my head almost exploded. These assholes wouldn't have anything had the federal government not built the electronic infrastructure their businesses rely on, but once they get rich they seriously start thinking "I don't need no stinkin government. What's the government ever done for me?" And they send their money offshore and we let them get away with it, because while they sure as hell aren't going to send their money to the IRS, they will send it to your friendly neighborhood Congressman, who will go to the wall defending the poor put-upon "job creators."

“I’m optimistic that, in 2017, there will be some sort of corporate tax reform,” he said. “The U.S. needs to invest more in infrastructure — so what would be great is if they take the tax proceeds of a corporate tax reform and invest it in infrastructure and roads and bridges and airports.”

That's right. The roads, the bridges, the airports, they're perfectly willing to hold all of that hostage until they get whatever it is they consider a "fair" tax rate. The roads their employees use to get to work, the airport where their private luxury jets take off and land (safely, thanks to government empoyees like air traffic controllers), not to mention good old fashioned shipping ports without which their products would never get from the slave camps factories in China to the US markets, they are perfectly willing to let all of those things fall further into disrepair until they get their way.

I'll agree with Cook on one thing. There definitely should be a corporate tax reform in 2017. We should start by taxing profits held in overseas shell companies, and collecting the interest on all the taxes that these assholes have evaded over the last decade. Then eliminate all the other loopholes these corporate parasites use to avoid paying any income tax. And  from now on, we jail the CEOs, Presidents and CFOs of companies that engage in tax evasion. That's the kind of corporate tax reform we need in this country.
Failing that, we should look seriously at torch and pitchfork reform.


Wednesday, August 17, 2016

A Contest! With Prizes! At least one prize, probably.

I will give a prize, and I don't yet know what that prize will be, to anyone out there who can explain why this is supposed to be funny, or what the joke is supposed to be.

Okay, so it's a guy shouting "Social justice!" while kicking over a table of chintzy Washington DC souvenirs while a policeman with a medieval mace, a Sikh man, an 18th century British soldier who may be a lady or may be wearing the wig of an aristocrat, and a guy who will be performing in Guys and Dolls this evening at your local dinner theater look on nonplussed.
Also, there is a tank. And a tiger. And a lion.
Oh, and a snake. Wait, two snakes.

So what's the joke supposed to be?

First, a bit of background. I became aware of this "comic" "artist" a couple days ago when Wonkette featured some of his nonsense.

His nom de douche is Relampago Furioso and he cleverly entitles his series "politically Incorrect Comics," so you get an idea of just how frightfully clever he must be. Most of his comics seem to center around scenarios like: a man tries to be friendly to a female co-worker. She is bothered by his friendliness and has him fired. The end. Which is hilarious because this is totally what happens all the time! You know, a few months of staring at her boobs, a few unsolicited shoulder rubs and an insistence on daily "hugs" and the next thing you know, she's on the phone with HR!


Yep, if only American women were more like this fictional Cambodian beauty, wandering up to strange foreign men and offering to date them, then cook for them and then probably do sex with them.  But nooooooo. . . they're too busy scheming to get innocent men fired for no reason because in America, women have all the power and men are just helpless pawns in their sick little games.

Oh, and also climate science is some sort of religious cult? Or something irrational? I guess?

Seriously, if anyone can explain to me why that first panel is supposed to be funny and/or what the joke is, I will definitely send you a prize!