Actually, I've been back for a while, but I've been sick. Apparently, the American flu shot doesn't work in Spain because I guess their viruses are metric or something? Any way, mission accomplished. I don't know whether you noticed, but Dec. 5th came and went and Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are still walking around free. You're welcome.We had to sacrifice Poppy Bush, but it was worth it.
Anyway, since returning to the States, I think I have discovered the absolute worst Christmas song of all time. I know, we've done our fair share of complaining about Christmas music in the past ( Like here. And here. Also here. And probably here. ) but this is the all-time winner. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you. . .
. . . "Dearest Santa."
Dearest Santa tells the story of a young orphan boy who wants only one thing for Christmas. A family. The one thing he wants is a family and a home of his own - two things. The two things this poor child wants is a home of his own, a mother and a father. The three things he wants. . . All he wants is a family. Which is really sad.
All this poor kid wants is a family AND HE DOESN'T GET IT!
How is that possible in a Christmas song?
Shouldn't everyone get what they want in a Christmas song?
here are the lyrics:
And that's it! There's no final verse where Santa hooks him up with a sweet mew pair of parents,. No coda where Santa adopts the kid himself. There's not even a little addendum at the end where Santa encourages the listeners to consider adopting lonely orphans. It's just Santa relating the story of a poor sad little boy begging him for parents and Santa not doing shit to help him.I mean, does Santa think he comes off as the good guy in this story?
And this kid is begging. He is groveling. He has zero dignity, and nothing good happens for him. The song ends where it begins, with this poor kid pining away in the orphanage. Merry Christmas, everybody - life is a cruel joke and no one is coming to save you! Ho ho ho!!!