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Monday, July 27, 2009

Farewell, Sarah Palin!

Could this possibly be the last rambling, incoherent speech we'll ever hear from Sarah Palin? Say it ain't so, Joe!

No. It isn't. But Sarah Palin did give her farewell to Alaska speech today. Let's look at some excerpts:

What an absolutely beautiful day it is, and it is my honor to speak to all Alaskans, to our Alaskan family this last time as your governor. And it is always great to be in Fairbanks. The rugged rugged hardy people that live up here and some of the most patriotic people whom you will ever know live here

Also my husband and his buddies that want to secede from the Union.

And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature's finest show. Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun.

Yes, Denali. The Mountain that soars.
Soaring is flying, right? Just checking.

And then in the summertime such extreme summertime about a hundred and fifty degrees hotter than just some months ago, than just some months from now, with fireweed blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here, Mother Nature wins.

Until we kick Mother Nature in the shins and start drilling, baby, drilling!

It is as throughout all Alaska that big wild good life teeming along the road that is north to the future.

If this is our future, get me Doctor Kervorkian!

And it is our men and women in uniform securing it, and we are facing tough challenges in America with some seeming to just be Hell bent maybe on tearing down our nation, perpetuating some pessimism, and suggesting American apologetics

a⋅pol⋅o⋅get⋅ics

–noun (used with a singular verb) the branch of theology concerned with the defense or proof of Christianity.


And first, some straight talk

aka lies and gibberish

some straight talk for some, just some in the media because another right protected for all of us is freedom of the press, and you all have such important jobs reporting facts and informing the electorate, and exerting power to influence.

Exerting power to influence? That's a thing, right?

Democracy depends on you, and that is why, that's why
our troops are willing to die for you.

Many a soldier's dying words have been "this one's for you, Frank Rich of the New York Times!"

So, how 'bout in honor of the American soldier, ya quite makin' things up.

'Cuz makin' shit up is my bit! You don't see me stealin' yer "dispassionate reporting of the facts" routine, do ya?

and one other thing for the media, our new governor has a very nice family too,
so leave his kids alone.

See, if I disguise a jab at the press as concern for someone else's family, it makes me seem kinda noble. Never mind that I have trotted my kids out anywhere there was a camera for the last two years.

OK, today is a beautiful day and today as we swear in Sean Parnell, no one will be happier than I to witness by God's grace Alaskans with strength of character advancing our beloved state. Sean has that.

Has what?

Don't forget Alaskans you are the resource owners per our constitution

And the workers must own the means of production! Power to the people!

Let me tell you, Alaskans really need to stick together on this with new leadership in this area especially, encouraging new leadership... got to stiffen your spine to do what's right for Alaska when the pressure mounts, because you're going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here's how they do it.

They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes. Stand strong, and remind them patriots will protect our guaranteed, individual right to bear arms, and by the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt.


Many Alaskans would face starvation if not allowed to shoot wolves from a helicopter!

but nothing, nothing could have succeeded without my right-hand man Kris Perry. She is the sharpest, boldest, hardest-working partner. Kris is my right-hand man and much success is due to Kris.


Oh, was I not supposed to mention that she's a man? Sorry Kris!


Alaskans will remember that years ago, remember we sported the old bumper sticker that said, "Alaska. We Don't Give a Darn How They Do It Outside?" Do you remember that? I remember that, and remember it was because we would be different. We'd roll up our sleeves, and we would diligently sow and reap

Using our Old-Testament-era agricultural techniques, praying that a plague of locusts might not descend upon us.

and we can still do this to carve wealth out of the wilderness and make our living on the water, with strong hands and innovative minds, now with smarter technology.

All of which was developed in the lower 48 and paid for largely by Federal R & D grants.

We must be prudent and persistent and press for the people's right to responsibly develop God-given resources for the maximum benefit of the people.

From each according to his ability to each according to his need!

And we have come so far in just 50 years. We're no longer a frontier outpost on the periphery of the world's greatest nation.

Now we're a frontier outpost on the periphery of Canada.

Alaska will lead with energy, we will prove you can be both pro-development and pro-environment, because no one loves their clean air and their land and their wildlife and their water more than an Alaskan. We will protect it.

Now start drilling! And get my helicopter, I'm gonna go shoot me some wolves!

Yes, America must look north to the future for security, for energy independence, for our strategic location on the globe. Alaska is the gate-keeper of the continent.

'Cuz some Siberian motherfuckers might try crossing the Berings Strait, fighting their way through Canada down into Oregon, then across the Great Plains, and next thing ya know, they're attackin' the White House!

some still are choosing not to hear why I made the decision to chart a new course to advance the state. And it should be so obvious to you. (indicating heckler) It is because I love Alaska this much, sir

I love Alaska far too much to leave her in the hands of a vapid, uninformed political dilettante with delusions of grandeur and a persecution complex.

with this decision now, I will be able to fight even harder for you, for what is right, for truth. And I have never felt like you need a title to do that.

Vote for me. Palin 2012!

when I took the oath to serve you, I promised...remember I promised to steadfastly and doggedly guard the interests of this great state like that grizzly guards her cubs, as a mother naturally guards her own.

As a mother protects her underaged daughter from getting knocked up by a hillbilly meth-cooker, um, never mind!

And I will keep that vow wherever the road may lead. Todd and I, and Track, Bristol, Tripp, Willow, Piper, Trig...I think I got 'em all.

Goddammit, can't you media types quit talking about my family!

We will forever be so grateful for the honor of our lifetime to have served you.

Not grateful enough to finish out "our" term, but y'know, thanks!

And so on. . . . .


Sarah, we hardly knew ye! Or more to the point, we hardly knew what the fuck ye were talking about!

(Here's a link to some video highlights on Gawker)