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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Year in Television, Part Two

More shows that have brought us joy or at least staved off the ennui for a short time this year.

Most Intriguing Show:

Rectify.

 http://i1.ytimg.com/sh/CI_VkQEDdzA/showposter.jpg?v=516c1118

This show is about a man who, after spending twenty years on death row, is released pending a new trial. It's mostly about his difficulties in trying to adjust to normal life again. The question of his guilt or innocence is never really addressed, and honestly, not much really happens on this show. But somehow, it's just fascinating. They only made six episodes for season one, but it is supposed to be coming back for a second season sometime in 2014. It's on the Sundance Channel, which I guess a lot of people don't get, but it's worth seeking out.

Best Newcomer:

Maron

http://images.zap2it.com/tvbanners/h3/AllPhotos/9167250/p9167250_b_h3_aa/maron.jpg

I have a weakness for shows about neurotic comedians and they don't get much more neurotic than Marc Maron. If you enjoy his WTF Podcast, or remember him fondly from Air America, this show should be right up your alley. I know some people have pointed out (notably Micheal Ian Black) that the show is, shall we say, a bit reminiscent of Louie, but a) That's like complaining that Parks & Rec borrows heavily from the Office, and b) I wish there were a hundred shows that were similar to Louie.

Most Annoying Character on TV

The Sofia Vergara character on Modern Family

http://kitchensofa.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/sofia-vergara-cleavage-modern-family-cap-03_78801.jpg


I don't even know her character's name, because I've only seen this show a couple of times. I think I would like it, too, if not for her. She seems to be a two-dimensional caricature of the hot-blooded Latina sex kitten stereotype whose main function is to serve as a symbol of the Ed O'Neill charcter's success and affluence. I feel bad saying that her accent is ridiculously exaggerated because I guess it's possible that she really does talk like that, but the exaggerated accent, the exaggerated sexuality always spilling out of an outfit a size too small and the fact that it's supposed to be howlingly funny that she often mispronounces English words all add up to the most annoying character on TV. She does everything but shake maracas, shout cootchy-cootchy and tell Lucy that she has some 'splaining to do. Feh!


Other notable shows:

The Bridge

http://thetinyprotagonist.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/fx-the-bridge.jpg

Definitely flawed, but a good suspenseful murder mystery

The Americans

http://forkinghollywood.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/The-Americans.jpg

A relationship drama wrapped in an espionage thriller coated in moral ambiguity.


Orphan Black

http://www.season1.fr/images/orphan-black-feature.jpg

A tight, keep-you-guessing mystery based on a sort of silly premise but it totally works, thanks in large part to Tatiana Maslany who plays at least a half-dozen different characters and nails them all.

The Walking Dead

 http://starcasm.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/The_Walking_Dead_Comic-Con.jpg

I never was into zombies, but this is really a story about survival, and what people will do to survive, what kinds of moral choices they have to make. It works. And Michone is my favorite tv bad-ass ever. Actually, this show has probably had more strong, tough female characters than any other I can remember.

Lowbrow Comedies

 http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xH640G0qJIk/T3R-8_4XNjI/AAAAAAAAAZc/OkKbRPsCmaE/s1600/It%27s+Always+Sunny+in+Phil.jpghttp://thepostculture.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/workaholics-13.jpghttp://www.bubbleblabber.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/squidbillies-121.jpg

 It wasn't the best season for any of these shows, but I still laughed at all of them. I'm not proud of that fact, but there it is.

Monday, December 30, 2013

2013: The Year in Television

If you know me at all, and you don't, you know that I love me some television. So without further ado, the Daily Irritant is proud to present THE YEAR IN TELEVISION!

Best New Trend:
Original Programming on Netflix. Two of my favorite shows of this year were Netflix originals: Orange is the New Black and Derek with Ricky Gervais.

 http://msmagazine.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/2521756.jpghttp://i1.ytimg.com/vi/Hd5WdxGRNG8/hqdefault.jpg

And, although I didn't care for House of Cards, I couldn't stand Kevin Spacey talking to the camera with that ridiculous Lindsey Graham accent, the missus loved it, and I think most people did too. So I'm counting that as another win for Netflix.

Best Network Sitcom:
I know, it's damning with faint praise, since the networks insist on churning out dreck like The Big Bang Theory and 2 1/2 Men, but ABC has stumbled onto something good with Super Fun Night.
http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTQ1MjE3MzAyMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwOTQzMjA1MDE@._V1_SX640_SY720_.jpg
And star Rebel Wilson continues another positive trend: the funny fat woman. For years, we've had funny fat men, from Oliver Hardy to John Belushi to Chris Farley, but even in comedies, women were always expected to be traditionally pretty/hot in order to be on camera.  Melissa McCarthy blazed the trail a few years ago, and now Saturday Night Live has its first "plus-sized" woman cast member, Aidy Bryant. Now Rebel Wilson has her own show and she is KILLING it!

Most Addictive Show:

Scandal.



http://socialmediatoday.com/sites/socialmediatoday.com/files/imagepicker/360431/scandal_2012_624x351.jpg

This drama somehow managed to fly under my radar until this year when some of my wife's co-workers strongly recommended it To be honest, I almost gave up on this show after one episode because it was a little corny, what with the hero-worship the other characters have for lead character Olivia Pope and their ":we're not lawyers, we're gladiators in suits" schtick was bit cheesy, but both of those aspects get downplayed in later episodes, and once the plot twists started, I was hooked. we binge-watched the old episodes on Netflix and started watching it live on ABC. This show is definitely flawed, it can be slightly soap-operaish and some of the dialogue can get a bit Aaron Sorkiney, but every episode introduces a new twist and you just can't wait to see what happens next, as they strap on the water skis and head in the general direction of the shark but somehow always avoid jumping it.
Trigger warning: This show does have a problem with consent. It's not a spoiler to tell you that Olivia Pope is having an affair with a married man, but there are a few scenes in which that married man grabs her, pushes her against the wall and jams his tongue down her throat. And at least one scene where she clearly says "stop" and he doesn't. But creepily, almost every one of these scenes ends with seemingly consensual sex.  It's wrong,and I don't understands why this keeps happening in a show created by and executive-produced by a woman. But even that can't break my addiction.

Best Animated Show:
Bob's Burgers.

http://www.fox.com/programming/_ugc/images/upfronts2013_bobs_burgers.jpg

 I don't know how I missed this one, but I started watching it this year, and Kristen Schaal and Eugene Mirman just kill it on a weekly basis on this show. The rest of the cast is good, too, especially Megan Mullalley in a recurring role, but Mirman and Schall's gleefully anarchic shouts of pure id keep me laughing like no animated show since the glory years of the Simpsons.

Worst show that used to be good:
American Horror Story

http://www.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/201383/rs_634x951-130903134107-634.American-Horror-Coven-Poster.mh.090313.jpg

God, season one was so good! Although, to be fair, it did run out of steam towards the end and the season finale was just awful, but for most of the year, they kept you guessing about what the hell was going on and what was going to happen next.

Season two was a bit of a train wreck. They couldn't decide whether it was going to be about the Nazi scientist and his human experiments, or about alien abduction, or about the serial killer with the worst serial-killer name in history, "Bloody Face." For a while, it seemed like maybe iut was going to be about devil possession, but the nun that got possessed just ended up being more fun, bringing a jukebox into the hospital and seducing men. Nothing scary at all. But Jessica Lange was so good that she made it all okay.

But, Lord. even Jessica Lange can't save Season Three. From the very beginning with the main character's "oh, well, I guess I'm a witch, *shrug*" voiceover, this season has been a disaster. The voiceover removed any hope of suspense as we already knew exactly what was going on. And it's never recovered. For one thing, they can't seem to make up their mind whether the witches are good or evil or neither or both. And they just seem to have been born witches which means they don't have to do any spooky, occultic ceremonies or rituals. And the main witch girl's power is that she can fuck guys to death? And she can't turn this power off, so she can never have sex with anyone she actually likes or anyone she wants to do it more than once with. What a stupid power!
But the worst sin this season commits is somehow coaxing really terrible performances from usually Oscar-worthy actresses Kathy Bates, Angela Bassett, and Gabourey Sibide. Just depressing.

Best Drama now that Breaking Bad is gone:
Hell on Wheels





http://drakesflames.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/how.jpg

I don't know where the Hell Anson Mount has been all this time, but if there's a more charismatic lead actor in television today, I sure don't know who it would be. He's great, Common is great, Colm Meany is good, the large unknown supporting cast is terrific, and if you can suspend disbelief about a group of white trash men in the 1870's accepting Common in a position of authority, the show is damn-well written. If you're not to put off by violence and gunplay, this is a really compelling drama.

I know I'm forgetting something, there were a lot of shows I really liked this year, bu that's all I can think of right now.

Steve Stockman Continues to be Disgusting

Reprehensible human being Steve Stockman tweeted this high-larious tweet today:



The best gun lubricant around.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Tom DeLay? Seriously?

Tom DeLay is back? Seriously? That smarmy little criminal? And yes, I know his conviction was, to use a social-conservative phrase, "overturned on a technicality," but still, how have we not seen the last of this little scumbag?
 

WND EXCLUSIVE

Tom DeLay on America: Lose God, lose greatness

Cites abortion, divorce, homosexuality, debt in calling situation a 'disaster'


What do divorce, homosexuality and debt have to do with each other?

http://adweek.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/pyramid.jpg

No?

http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/IyDp18wh0pc/hqdefault.jpg

 Are you sure?


 http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/p97M8jmJ8IU/hqdefault.jpg
 No, definitely couldn't be that.


I'm sorry, we were looking for "Things that Republicans pretend are scary!"

http://www.curtalliaume.com/pyramidgame1.jpg
Pictured: A lovely parting gift!

Anyway, back to what we were talking about:

Former U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, who was elected House majority leader in 2002 but later left office in the middle of a battle against unsubstantiated claims of money laundering, says America is losing its greatness because it has abandoned God.

 If by "unsubstantiated," you mean totally true but legally we can pretend otherwise, then sure. Unsubstantiated!

Speaking at a meeting of the Texas Tea Party Republican Women, he cited Colossians 1:16, which reads, “For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.”

He contends the verse demonstrates God created America and the Constitution, and that both should be defended for this reason alone.

DeLay told WND the Founding Fathers, “along with most of the citizens of the colonies, were religious, moral, and well educated on which was based their worldview.”

“From that worldview, they knew there was a God, and they called on Him for guidance. They knew that God and the Bible were the solutions for the tyranny they faced,” he said.



Okay, and here is where we run into a little logic trouble. Because clearly the Founding Fathers did NOT believe in the Bible verse you cited. Obviously they could not have believed in that principle, in which much of the Western World did believe, of the "Divine Right of Kings" because if they had believed that, they would have no moral justification for the Revolutionary War. You can't believe that the King has been chosen by the Almighty to be your ruler and also think that you ought to have a violent overthrow of that king. God and the Bible can't be the solutions for the "tyranny" they faced, because God is the one who put the "tyrant" in charge in the first place. Also, if you think God is going to be the solution, why bother having an armed uprising? Why not let God handle it?

You can't have it both ways. You can't believe that "whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him.” applies to George Washington but not to King George. You can't say that the all authorities are "created through him and for him, except for Barack Obama, let's have a second Revolution!" If you believe that God has put authorities and rulers and powers in placed, then you goddamm well better start showing some fucking respect for the leader He has chosen. Even if He chose a black guy this time.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

What the Hell is Wrong With People?

I thought I'd seen it all when they came out with a Ted Cruz coloring book.

http://retired.talkingpointsmemo.com/Images/ted-cruz-coloring-book.png

And then I saw on Colbert that people are actually buying it. It's number one on the Amazon coloring book list which is apparently an actual best-seller list. Of course, it's possible  that people are buying it as gag gifts, I mean it is pretty funny with Ted on the cover doing the Herb Tarlek finger-guns next to a daisy tree with giant butterflies like a verse that got cut from Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.

But if I thought that product was bad, which I did, that was nothing compared to this:



  Benghazis Murderers Mug

Yes, it's the Benghazi's Murderers Mug. No, really. Here's the entire design:

Benghazis Murderers Mug

Now forget for a moment how stupid this is. People buy stupid products all the time. there's definitely a market for stupid products. But let's say you're the kind of person who actually believes that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton literally murdered Benghazi. Why would you want them on your coffee mug? Why would you want your morning coffee accompanied by pictures of people you hate and that you think are murderers?



http://dairyofanonnymoose.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/tonydrinkingteabreitbartdotcom.jpg 
With my afternoon tea, I like to stare at a photo of Jeffery Dahmer!

I can't imagine the person who would buy this. Someone who hates hates HATES Obama and Clinton but needs to be reminded of that on a regular basis?What the hell is wrong with people? What would make someone want to start off their day with a dose of hate and anger? I would have thought that was the worst product ever. Then I saw this:

















Yes. It's a 'not-equal" sticker. It's being sold by a group called "Mass Resistance" and being marketed like this:

 

Tired of having the homosexual "equal" sign always thrown in your face? Stick it back at them -- and counter the gay agenda -- with MassResistance's stickers!


Have some fun countering the "gay" agenda

Wow.
 This is a product for the person who wants to proudly display the message "sorry, Mr. Gay Person, but I have convinced myself that I, as a heterosexual person, am in some way superior to you. And, that being said, I  actually have gone out of my way to proclaim that no, you are NOT equal. You, Mr. gay person, are not equal to me, a mouth-breathing bag of hatred and fear, for I am a hetero!"

What the hell is wrong with people?




Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Who the hell is this little prick?

Before today, I had never heard of Douglas Ernst, even though, judging by his last name, we could possibly be related.  (please, God, no!)

Anyway, today Lizz Winstead tweeted a link to something he wrote about her, and it immediately raised the question "who the hell is this little prick?"

Apparently, he's this guy:
Douglas  Ernst

And he writes for the Moonie Times which is just synonymous with credibility and sanity in my book!

And he writes this blog:

Douglas Ernst

Bareknuckled Commentary mixed with Pop Culture.


Yeah, "bareknuckled" commentary. "Bareknuckled." Because nothing says "tough guy" like typing away on a computer. I know I feel pretty bad-ass right now!

Anyway, he has many thoughts about Lizz Winstead and none of them are good.

Now, I don't know Lizz Winstead, I've never met Lizz Winstead, I don't really know a lot about her. But I know she created The Daily Show which makes her a national fucking treasure, but let's hear what this smug little prick has to say about the great Lizz Winstead.

Lizz Winstead: Planned Parenthood’s personal narcissist

ooookayyyyyy. . . Obviously this is going to be a totally rational discussion.

Lizz Winstead has called motherhood “indentured servitude.” She recalls that even as a child she never wanted to be a mom. Perhaps. She can tell herself that. Although,  it’s also likely that the abortion she had as a teenager might have something to do with it.


Yes, I suppose it would. I suppose her desire to refrain from motherhood would have some relation to her decision to terminate a pregnancy. What the fuck point is this little prick even trying to make?
Also, she can tell herself that, but clearly Douglas Ernst has a much better idea of what she really thinks! Duh!

Liberal feminists have a long history of denigrating stay-at-home moms. One could argue that raising children (and raising them right), is quite possibly the most important job there is.


Yes. One could argue that. One could also argue that Justin Bieber is the best singer there is. One could argue pretty much anything. And if raising children correctly is the most important job there is, shouldn't people be really selective about going in to that line of work? If it's really so important, not just everyone should be doing it, there should be some sort of qualifications. You should be pleased that those who don't have an aptitude for parenthood don't choose to go into that line of work.

One could argue that raising children (and raising them right), is quite possibly the most important job there is. And yet, time and time again they act is if all the wonderful technology we have today always existed and that those evil men banished them indoors anyway. For that, Lizz only needs to travel to the Middle East… [elipses in original. This is actually the end of the paragraph.]




What the fuck does that even mean? What does wonderful technology have to do with being banished indoors? I don't even get what he's trying to say here.

Liberal feminists act as if being a mother is a “chore,” when in fact the ability to give life and then nurture it into someone who will be a good, honest contributing member of society is a blessing.


How would you know? How many babies have you given life to? You don't have a uterus, how would you know what motherhood is like?
Honestly, it does seem like it would be a chore.

Comedienne and co-creator of the Daily Show, Lizz Winstead, is Exhibit-A for the case against the liberal-feminist worldview. Or perhaps I should say Exhibit-Z4, since no one really knows who she is.


Well, she's well-known enough for you to write about her. I would venture to guess that more people know who Lizz Winstead is than know who the fuck you are.


. She states:
One time my mom gave me a stove, a toy stove, for Christmas and I was like, are you kidding?! Even at 8, I was like, cooking is not a game. You know, this is not a game. I want to be outside. I want to do anything but cook and have a baby that pees and that you call that a game. That is not a game, that is a baby that pees. That is not fun for me. That’s indentured servitude.
Indentured servitude. It takes a special kind of narcissist to refer to motherhood as “indentured servitude.”

How is that narcissistic? Not wanting to play with a pretend stove? Not wanting to get peed on by a baby? That's narcissism? And it doesn't seem like she was referring to actual motherhood, it seems like her 8-year-old self was referring to playing mother. Although one could certainly argue that actual motherhood is comparable to indentured servitude in that it is a thankless, unpaid job from which there is no getting out for 18 years.


 It takes a special kind of narcissist to refer to motherhood as “indentured servitude.” Of course, when you think the world should revolve around you that’s the logical progression of thoughts, I guess. With that said, I can’t help but think that perhaps there’s more to the story than an 8 year old little girl who never wanted to be a mommy. Perhaps Winstead’s antipathy toward motherhood doesn’t trace back to her Barbie days, but her…abortion.


The abortion again? I really think you have it backward. Not wanting to be a mother leads to having an abortion, not the other way around. How would having an abortion sour one on the idea of motherhood? If teenage Lizz had wanted to someday experience motherhood but had an abortion because she wasn't yet ready, being a teen and all, how would the abortion change her outlook? How would the abortion create an antipathy for motherhood? Think about it. It makes no sense!

If we've learned nothing else from Judge Judy, we have learned this.
 


And he includes a link to a video which I haven't watched because who has time, but he has plenty to say about it.

Please, watch the entire video. It’s a fascinating case study of denial and projection. Lizz, a staunch supporter of Planned Parenthood, talks about her experience as a 16 year old—she became pregnant the first time she had sex. In her desperation she went to a religious organization to get tested anonymously. After tests came back, besides being told that she could have the child or give it up for adoption, a woman deadpanned: “It’s either mommy or murder.”

Harsh words for a 16 year old? Sure. But what does one expect when they go to an organization that believes life begins at conception? That’s like being surprised you got pregnant after having sex without a condom. At eight Lizz was smart enough to be thinking about ‘indentured servitude,’ but at 16 she wasn’t smart enough to go to the drug store for a pack of condoms. Teenage Liz wasn’t too bright, but then again, we’re all lucky that being a good person isn’t dependent on IQ.



And someone who isn't smart enough to buy condoms is exactly the kind of person who should be doing the MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD (tm).
And what does being not too bright have to do with denial and/or projection? And what do any of those things have to do with Winstead's supposed narcissism?
 
Who the Fuck Knows?





The most telling takeaway from her pro-choice tale seem to be:
In response to being told she had the baby’s life to think about: “What about my life? What are my choices? … I have pom-poms in my room! I can’t be a mom! … I felt so alone … How could she be pro-life when she wasn’t pro-my-life? That wasn’t pro-life, that was profane.”
Lizz never wanted choices—she wanted an abortion.

 That's a choice!

She had a choice between abortion and not an abortion, and she chose abortion. That's what the word choice means. It means you choose the choice you want. seriously, it's not hard to understand!

Lizz never wanted choices—she wanted an abortion. And she didn’t want just an abortion, she wanted to be told that it was okay. A clinic worker who didn’t tell Lizz she could live a life without consequences was somehow “profane”? Nice try.


So she wanted to not be condemned for her choice? She wanted to not be called a murderer? She wanted to be able to control her reproductive system without having a scarlet A glued to her chest?  What a narcissist! And yes, that's really not the definition of "profane," I think she was making a pun, you know, "pro-life" /  "pro-fane?" It's a play on words.

Also, you know who probably knows what Lizz Winstead was thinking even better that Doug Ernst does? LIZZ WINSTEAD. So shut up, Douglas Ernst, you smarmy little prick!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Netflix Reccomendations

With Breaking Bad ending and Walking Dead, Orphan Black, the Americans, and Hell on Wheels all on hiatus, we've been having some serious tv withdrawals here in the Chaos Compound. So we've turned to Netflix. The missus has been on a roll lately with movie choices. And for some reason, they all seem to center around awkward adolescent boys.


1. Submarine.


Ooh, lucky I didn't see that Ben Stiller was involved in this movie before we watched it or I might have skipped it altogether. Anyway, it's about a boy trying to save his parents' marriage while struggling with his own first love. it reminded me of Wes Anderson, so if you like that sort of thing, you'll probably like this movie.


2. Jesus Henry Christ



This one is about an extremely gifted boy looking for his biological father, and the man who may or may not be him and the girl who might be his half-sister. Toni Collette is terrific as the boy's mother, because she almost always is when she's not doing United States of Tara (good GAWD, was that awful!)

3. Speaking of Toni Collette, The Way Way Back.



I don't actually know if this is on Netflix, we got it from Redbox.  Anyway, this is kind of like if you took Meatballs and made the relationship between Bill Murray's "Tripper" and the "Rudy" kid and made that the main plot of the movie, with a lot about the kid's backstory. Sam Rockwell channels Murray taking Liam James under his wing. Pretty good.

4. Super



It's not exactly about an awkward adolescent, but Rainn Wilson is certainly awkward, and in some ways seems to be in an arrested adolescence. Fair warning: This movie is really really violent. But also funny. And sad. It's basically a much much darker version of "Kick-Ass," with a protagonist who is clearly disturbed and his female sidekick, played by Ellen Page, who also has serious issues. It's good. But definitely not for everyone.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Bad Ads -- Crown Royal

Have you really thought this through, Crown Royal?





Let me see if I've got this straight. You're recommending that I spend the day lying in the sun licking myself, then celebrate that achievement by eating a gazelle and fucking a lioness?

No thanks.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Ready For Hillary? Chapter Two: Told Ya So!

When the ads first started popping up, asking me if I was "ready For Hillary," I said NO, thank you! (http://wwwirritant.blogspot.com/2013/09/ready-for-hillary.html )



Now I've been reassured that I was right in my initial assessment by this article in Politico:

Lament of the Plutocrats

 


On a recent afternoon, executives at Goldman Sachs invited a few hundred major investors to the Conrad Hotel in lower Manhattan. The bankers and their guests filed into a large room and turned their eyes to Hillary Clinton.

Yes, Hillary Clinton was the featured speaker at a Goldman-Sachs event. Is it fair to judge a person by the company she keeps? I think so.

But Clinton offered a message that the collected plutocrats found reassuring, according to accounts offered by several attendees, declaring that the banker-bashing so popular within both political parties was unproductive and indeed foolish.


Also barely existent.
I mean, occasionaly a Democrat will criticize bankers and occasionally it's someone other than Elizabeth Warren, but when's the last time you heard a Republican "bashing" bankers?

(Hint: It was him)
 

 Striking a soothing note on the global financial crisis, she told the audience, in effect: We all got into this mess together, and we’re all going to have to work together to get out of it.



No, we didn't! We didn't all get into this mess together. Just like the Glendale Train and Jesse James didn't get into this all together. Pretending that no one is to blame for the financial crisis that was caused by specific people, many of whom are in the room, is a pretty good way to ensure that they will do it again. You're not helping, Ms Clinton!

 What the bankers heard her to say was just what they would hope for from a prospective presidential candidate: Beating up the finance industry isn’t going to improve the economy—it needs to stop.



Except no one IS beating up the financial industry. Some people are making the radical suggestion that they be held responsible for their actions, or that rules be put in place to prevent them from crashing the economy again. If that's what you call "beating up the finance industry," then yes, beating up the industry will definitely help the economy.

Goldman’s Tim O’Neill, who heads the bank’s asset management business, introduced Clinton by saying how courageous she was for speaking at the bank.


Oh, I know, because you poor, persecuted bankers are such pariahs!

Certainly, Clinton offered the money men—and, yes, they are mostly men—at Goldman’s HQ a bit of a morale boost. “It was like, ‘Here’s someone who doesn’t want to vilify us but wants to get business back in the game,’” said an attendee. “Like, maybe here’s someone who can lead us out of the wilderness.”


Wilderness? What wilderness have you been in? What game have you been out of?

Dow Jones Industrial Average hits new record high of 16,000 during trading
Posted: 11/18/2013                            

NEW YORK - The Dow Jones industrial average hit another milestone on Monday -- surpassing the 16,000 mark during trading.
Standard & Poor's 500 hit 1,800.
It was another milestone in the market's epic ascent in 2013. The Dow hit 15,000 just six months ago, in May.
The Dow has recovered its losses from the financial crisis.


Wow, sounds terrible.

So, anyway, I feel pretty vindicated. No, I am not ready for Hillary. NO, no, no.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Horrible Person is also Nuts

Vile, despicable Congressman Steve Stockman (R-You kidding me?), the man who brought the loathsome Ted Nugent to the State of the Union address because threatening Senators' lives is what makes a great American or something, has decided to throw his tinfoil- tri-cornered hat into the ring for Senate, challenging sitting Senator John Cornyn.  Why, you ask? Um, because Cornyn is practically a communist, duh!

Check out his totally not-insane announcement:

          I'm running for Senate against liberal John Cornyn




Dear patriot,
     You are in a foxhole fighting to save our constitutional Republic… …and the last thing you need is a Republican bayonet in your back. But that’s what liberal John Cornyn has been doing to you every day.


And I mean literally. John Cornyn has literally been running around this country stabbing patriots in the back with an old-timey bayonet!

 
Got another one!
 


Also, from what are the "patriots" trying to save our republic? He doesn't say, so I'm just going to assume healthcare?

I’m conservative Congressman Steve Stockman, and I am running for United States Senate against liberal John Cornyn.

I am honored to be called the most fearless conservative in Congress, and proud of my perfect 100% lifetime conservative rating.  I am leading the fight for our values.

But John Cornyn wakes up every morning and works to make the Senate a more liberal place


And he's doing a bang-up job, by the way, what with his ZERO PERCENT rating from NARAL, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT rating from National Right to Life Committee and EIGHTY-NINE PERCENT RATING FROM THE JOHN MOTHER-FUCKING BIRCH SOCIETY!!!


Liberal John Cornyn betrayed Ted Cruz by abandoning Republicans during the Obamacare filibuster

You mean the phony filibuster that wasn't even really a filibuster that even Ted Cruz eventually got bored with and quit? That filibuster? Is that the one he abandoned? The one that wasn't ever going to accomplish anything but get Ted Cruz more camera time? What a betrayal!

Liberal John Cornyn betrayed Ted Cruz, and you, by voting to fund Obamacare.

I don't know if that's even true, I doubt that it is, but even if it is, why should he owe any loyalty to Ted Cruz? Seems like Steve Stockman has the same kind of relationship with Ted Cruz that Huck has with Olivia Pope. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scandal_(TV_series))



But liberal John Cornyn is now doing what he always does, spending four years voting like a Democrat, then spending the two years before an election pretending to be Republican.
Yes, voting like a Democrat. Which is why he received a whopping thirteen percent rating from the National Organization of Women and a puny Ninety-One percent form the Concerned Women for America!

  And if we let John Cornyn back in the Senate he will go right back to betraying Republicans, and with a vengeance.

Well, I’m sick and tired of being bayoneted in the back by someone in my own foxhole.


Gettin' kinda creeped out by the whole foxhole/bayonet thing. Might want to dial down that imagery a bit.

Texas is a conservative state.  Texas needs a conservative senator.

(They have two)

 That is why I am running to be Texas’ no-compromise conservative champion in the United States Senate.

I have a 100% lifetime pro-life rating.


Oh, my God, so does Cornyn!

I was the original sponsor of the Sanctity of Life Act and will block any federal judge who is not 100% pro-life.

Do you not watch the news? The filibuster is gone.

I am sponsoring the Sanctity of Life Act again, H.R. 2764.  It would automatically overturn Roe v. Wade, protecting human life between conception and birth



Oh my God. . . That is not how it works. You can't overturn a Supreme Court decision with a new law. It doesn't work that way. Go take a high school civics class.

I have a 100% lifetime pro-gun rating.

Oh my God, so does Cornyn!

I worked with Senator Rand Paul to introduce legislation blocking Obama’s gun-grabbing executive orders.

To block those orders that don't exist and never will and have no possibility of ever existing? What a fucking hero! Oh, don't forget to block Sharia Law!

I have also introduced legislation to block and nullify all anti-gun UN treaties.



 
Jeeeeezus. . . IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! You can't just nullify UN treaties. That's not how it works. You can vote against ratification, but you don't get to just nullify existing treaties. How do I know that and I'm just some guy?

Every Republican who works to fund Obamacare kills freedom twice as quickly as when a Democrat does it.

Yes. Twice as fast. Let's do the math here, two times zero equals. . .?

These next six years will determine whether our constitutional Republic lives or dies.
Oh for fuck sake, you people say that every election year. According to you people, we should have become Soviet Russia like 20 years ago. You're the Harold Camping of predicting the end of Democracy.

Anyway it goes on and on in this vein (Benghas1 Benghazi Benghazi!!!!) but here's my favorite part:

As we saw last year when Ted Cruz became a senator, Texans want conservative champions to represent them in the United States Senate.

They do not want compromising leftists who undergo election-year conversions, then back again – and liberal John Cornyn is the worst offender.

In every poll liberal John Cornyn always loses to any conservative the voters have heard about.


EXCEPT YOU! Cornyn is CRUSHING you in the polls!

Don't quit your day job, Steve.
And keep fucking that chicken!




(Source for John Cornyn's various ratings: http://votesmart.org/candidate/evaluations/15375/john-cornyn#.UqpcS5oo7mI)

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Bad Ads - Ford

I don't know why Christmas time seems to bring out the worst advertisements. But Jeezus Christ, they get worse every year. This year's leader so far is the Ford "Dream Big" campaign.

 
 

[Gagging sound]

There are bad ads, the kind of ads that make you think "I will never buy that product," and then there are ads like the Ford "Dream Big" ads that make you think "I will never buy that product and I hope everyone involved in these ads dies a long slow painful death."
Have you seen these fucking ads?





Is it wrong that I want to punch that child's face into the back of his head? And then flog both his parents? Yeah, I guess so, but Jeezus!

Who decided that having kids talk like douchy adults was cute? It's not. And the kids in these ads take that to the extreme:  obnoxious, arrogant, disrespectful, and snotty. What would make anyone think that loathsome, despicable little brats would make anyone want to buy a truck? Unless it's to run these little creeps over.

And when did it become cute for kids to demand things from Santa instead of asking for them? This kid says "It's F-150 or Nothing?" Guess what, it's nothing you little prick! You're getting coal. No, you're not even getting coal, Santa is going to come down your chimney and literally take a shit in your stocking. Or he would if I were him.




The girl isn't as hateful as that little boy, but she's still obnoxious and not making me want to buy a Ford. Certainly not for her. Because I hate her.

And this one is kind of racist:





Why does the black kid have to say things like "my smooth" and "as fly as me?" And why does Santa assume he wants "new sneakers?"

So, heck of a job there, Ford. I'm sure folks must be lining up at your dealerships after these ads!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Bad Ads - Kay Jewelers


Kay ads are always offensive with their "every kiss begins with Kay" bullshit, but this time they've outdone themselves. This is the creepiest thing I have ever seen.







I mean, it's not just me, right? That guy is super skeevy, right? I'm not the only one getting the impression that he married the woman to get access to the daughter, am I?

Uggggh, this just makes my skin crawl every time I see it!

Oh, good point, Dave!






Dave Agema, a former Michigan state representative and current member of the National Republican Committee, told attendees of a holiday party last week that he wants to protect “traditional marriage” so that gay couples don’t abuse the system for health care benefits.

Folks, they (gay people) want free medical because they’re dying (when they’re) between 30 and 44 years old,” he said.

Oh, good point, Dave. Gay people are always dying young. That's why you never see any old gay guys around anywhere.



Seriously, when's the last time you saw a gay guy over 50?

 

I can't think of any.



Yes, no matter how healthy their lifestyle,


They just never seem to make it past 30 or 40.




It's a mystery!