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Wednesday, November 11, 2015

90 Minutes in Heaven?


While reading about Ben Carson's ghostwriter co-author at No More Mr Nice Blog, I saw this bit about another book that this guy had "co-authored" with another shady grifter entitled 90 Minutes in Heaven.


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Here's the gist of the story:

As he is driving home from a minister's conference, Baptist minister Don Piper collides with a semi-truck that crosses into his lane. He is pronounced dead at the scene. For the next 90 minutes, Piper experiences heaven where he is greeted by those who had influenced him spiritually. He hears beautiful music and feels true peace. Back on earth, a passing minister who had also been at the conference is led to pray for Don even though he knows the man is dead. Piper miraculously comes back to life and the bliss of heaven is replaced by a long and painful recovery. For years Piper kept his heavenly experience to himself. Finally, however, friends and family convinced him to share his remarkable story.

That is horrifying. And if I were Rev. Piper, I think I would be the bitterest son of a bitch to ever thump a Bible.

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Think about it. You die. You go to Heaven. Which is the best place in the world from what we hear. St. Peter is showing you around, you're meeting people who have influenced you "Oh, hello John Lennon. Nice to meet you, William Faulkner. . ." you're feeling true peace for the first time. And then, suddenly, St Peter says "oh, sorry, bud. Some minister just prayed for you to come back, so we're sending you back to earth. Sorry about the long and painful recovery you're gonna face. Also, your brain has been deprived of oxygen for the last hour and a half, so when you get back, you're basically going to be a turnip with feet." And down you go.

And then there's some ass going "I prayed for God to send you back. Uhhhh you're welcome!"


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Youuuuu DICK!!!

Don Piper returned from the gates of Heaven to endure 13 excruciating months of hospitalization, 34 major surgeries, including some never before attempted in the United States, and years of painful therapy and rehabilitation. He now shares his incredible lessons of answered prayer, miracles, overcoming tragedy, pain and loss, and the reality of Heaven.

Lesson number one: If I die. For any reason. If you see me and I'm dead. Do not - DO NOT! - do not under any circumstances pray for God to send me back!!!


Around the world Don Piper has shared the story of hope and healing. . . Don Piper is known around the world as, "The Minister of Hope."


Hope? Hope? How is he the minister of hope?
Like, don't worry, even if you go to Heaven, even if you think that you're going to spend eternity in  the unrivaled bliss of Paradise, there's always hope! There's always a chance that some selfish dick will pray to God to send you back and God will actually kick you out of Paradise like you ate an apple and send you back to Earth to live out your days in pain and sorrow. Hope!


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Now the good news is that this preacher never died, never went to Heaven and never got sent back to Earth. As you might have suspected, clever folks that you are, it's a money-making scam.

Don Piper is known around the world as, "The Minister of Hope." He founded Don Piper Ministries, a 501-c3 entity, in 2007, to channel revenues from book sales and speaking income to help over 40 ministries here and abroad.

And yes, obviously the money is going to help "ministries" all over the world. 

A Ferrari dealership is a kind of ministry, right?

Also, if you really had a message of hope from the Lord above, and you had been sent back to Earth to spread this message, would you have the balls to charge speaking fees? God has a message for you, but if you think 'm gonna tell you without getting my beak wet, you're outta your mind!