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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Glenn Beck Finally Does Some Good

Glenn Beck Encourages His Listeners Not to Get Swine Flu Vaccinations








So, if this works out, there's a chance that there will be fewer Glenn Beck listeners. And the world will be a slightly saner place.

NOW?

Today in the Atlanta Journal constitution I see this:

FACT CHECK: Some Obama health care stories flawed

The Associated Press


One of President Barack Obama's health care "horror stories" is about a woman who, he says, lost her health insurance on the verge of breast cancer surgery because she didn't disclose a case of acne to the insurer. That's not what happened. . . .


. . . Beaton did not lose her insurance because she failed to own up to a skin problem in her past. She lost it because, when enrolling in the plan, she had not reported a previous heart condition and did not list her weight accurately.


So where the hell was the "fact check" the last eight years? " Sadam has weapons of mass destruction," nope no need to verify that!

"We do not torture" hmm, that sounds probably true.

"We aren't wiretapping everyone's phone," well, that fact certainly doesn't need any checking!


But NOW? Hey, the president might have one part of this story incorrect! God Damn it, get me a fact checker! If the President thinks he can just go around citing the wrong pre-existing condition, well he sure didn't count on the ever-vigilant press!

Pathetic!


Sarah Palin's Book

Apparently, Saeah Palin's ghostwriter finished up early, so Sarah's book should be on shelves any day now!


The title of the book is "Going Rogue: An American Life."

I could think of a few more appropriate titles.








































Ok, the fake covers are more of a pain to make than they're worth. Here are the other titles I thought of.

Speakin' in Tongues:
My life as a vapid Holy-Roller.

Let's Go! Back to the Nineteenth Century.

Going Rouge:
Looking like a Naughty Librarian
for Fun and Profit.

The Unbearable Rightness of Fleeing.

Pallin' Around With the Extreme Right.

How to succeed in Politics Without Really Trying.

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Ignorance.

Zen and the Art of Shooting Things From a Helicopter.

Death Panels in Venice.

The Great Gaffe'sby.

A Room With A view. Of Russia!

The Postman always Quits Twice.

The Lyin' The Witch and the Wardrobe which I totally didn't even keep.

Hey, Nice perspective, Yahoo! News.

TODAY - September 30, 2009

Amateur video of tsunami damage (ABC)

Tsunami flood captured on video

A witness tapes video footage of the devastating surges that flattened villages in Samoa. 'Very unreal'


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

How much Dumber can Steve King (R-IA) Get?

At the recent "Taking Back America" clusterfuck of misinformed nut sacks, Representatives Steve King and Tom Price apparently set out to prove that Iowa has the nation's dumbest Congressional delegation. And how would they do that? How could they pull ahead of Minnesota's combination of Michele Bachmann and whoever else they have? (honestly, they could have Steven Hawking and the faculty of Harvard, and Bachmann would still pull the average down into the cellar)

Well, the two of them got together and presented an award.

To Joe the Plumber.

Joe.

The Plumber.

Apparently, the award (pictured here) was the "Golden Pipe Wrench."

I haven't been able to figure out what the award is for, but I have to assume it's for something like "most ignorant horse's ass" or something like that.

Now if it were anyone but Steve King, I would be tempted to think that the Golden Pipe wrench was kind of a snide, passive-aggressive way of saying "stick to plumbing, and let the grownups discuss politics," but no, I'm pretty sure this award was given sincerely.

Instead of the "Golden Pipe Wrench," here are five plumbing-themed awards that I think would be more appropriate for Joe:






5) The Platinum Plunger


















4) The Lead Nipple













3) The Silver Toilet Snake






















2) The Copper Flush Lever












And the Number one most appropriate plumbing-themed award for Joe the Plumber is...
(and who didn't see this coming?)





The GOLDEN SHOWER!

It's Never Too Soon to Start Slandering the Dead Guy

A man named Bill Sparkman was recently murdered. Hung from a tre, the word "FED" was scrawled across his chest in black magic marker. That is what we know. As of now, we don't know who killed Bill Sparkman or why, although many have speculated that the word "FED" refers to his work with the census bureau. As of now, that is only speculation.

Now here comes some shit-for-brains wingnut prick named Dan Riehl (seen here destroying whatever shred of integrity CNN had left)

So what does Dan Riehl have to say about the tragic death of Bill Sparkman? Well, here's his headline:

Was Census Worker Bill Sparkman A Child Predator?

Seriously. I copied that right off of his fuckawful website. (LINK)

Here's more:
Update: Before any more people start going bonkers that I'm accusing Sparkman of anything, take a breath. I've done a fair amount of crime blogging mixed in with politics over time. One doesn't rule anything in or out without some firm answers. People feel free to speculate about Meth labs and pot fields but none have been reported in the area, yet. All I'm doing is looking at any and all possibilities.
So, yeah, if people are speculating that he might have been killed by drug trafficers, then sure posthumously libeling the guy as a possible sexual predator seems like the moral equivalant of that.
Oh, and Dan, um, having done some "crime blogging" doesn't give you any expertise or proficiency or whatever it is you're trying to imply here. Anyone can start a blog. I did. And what the hell do I know about anything? I could spend the next several months blogging about the NFL and that would not make me any more of an authority on football than I am now (which is to say, "meh?")

I have no idea what happened, but from the reporting I've seen, neither does anyone else. If he adopted a boy as a single man, or was married and split with the wife and kids, who knows. But I never assume I know a story or motive until I know it. Right now we don't. I'm simply speculating on one possible alternative, however impolite.

Yeah, obviously you have no idea. I'm guessing you have no idea about a lot of things. That does not translate into license for wild and vile speculation.


The strangest quote I've seen in all the reporting around apparently murdered Census worker Bill Sparkman is this one from his Mother located in Florida.

“I have my own ideas, but I can't say them out loud. Not at this point,” she said. “Right now, what I'm doing, I'm just waiting on the FBI to come to some conclusion.”


See, that's not actually strange at all. She is doing what a rational person does. She may have her suspicions about who murdered her son, but she's not going to slander the suspected culprit until the FBI concludes its investigation.

Finally Sparkman's bio and work history suggests at the least he was not just your average guy. No teaching degree, no full-time means of employment
and no wife or kids so far as I am aware.


Oh, My GOD! I also don't have a teaching degree. And there was a long period in my life when I also was un-married! And I was unemployed at the same time! Oh, Fuck! I'm a pedophile! Lock me up!

. . .no wife or kids so far as I am aware. But he certainly did gravitate towards children. I can't help but wonder if this wasn't a revenge killing disguised to look like something else. If he did have issues in this regard and messed with the wrong kid, it isn't as if something like that can be ruled out until we know more.

Here is another thing which can not be ruled out:

It can not be proven, but one might be tempted to speculate that Dan Riehl is a Satan-worshiping child murderer who sacrifices children on his Satanic altar, then drinks their blood under a full moon.
Now, I'm not saying that Dan Riehl actually is a murderer and a Satanist, I'm just saying that since I really don't know anything about Dan Riehl, I can only speculate.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Rep. Steve King (R-IA) Gets even Dumber

I didn't think Steve King could say anything stupider than his defense of Joe Wilson (here)

But that just shows you how little I know about Steve King.

Rep. Steve King (R-IA): Same-sex marriage is "a purely socialist concept."




Yeah, Steve King thinks that gay couples are not entitled to equal protection under the law. Steve King thinks that because he finds gay people icky, the Constitution does not apply to them.

He doesn't understand why some people believe that same-sex marriage has no effect on hetero marriage. Of course, he can't explain what effect it supposedly has, he just takes it as an article of faith that somehow same-sex couples getting married is going to have some sort of negative effect on opposite-sex marriages.

So, that's pretty fucking stupid. But wait! It gets stupider. He actually says a sentence that I don't believe has ever been spoken in history. He says "Rick Santorum was right."

But that's not even the pinnacle of Steve King's stupidity. He ends the audio clip with a bizarre, convoluted idea of same-sex marriage being a necessary part of socialism. Oh, well no wonder the gay people were treated so well in the Soviet Union. (they weren't)
What does Bob marrying Jim have to do with socialism? Well, in Steve King's crazy, stupid little brain, same-sex marriage leads inevitably to group marriage, which leads inescapably to communal living, which I guess somehow leads to Communism? I think?

Hey, Iowa. You seriously need to get rid of this pea-brained little nut sack. Seriously, you're making Oklahoma look good. And that ain't easy.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Even Glenn Beck Can't Explain the Things Glenn Beck Says




Katie Couric shows remarkable restraint in not beating Beck about the ears with one of her pumps. She doesn't even scream "what the fuck is wrong with you, you maniacal, smirking little asshole?" even once! Great job, Katie. Although in the future, I might recommend just not having maniacal, smirking little assholes on your show at all. Just a suggestion.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

HEY, LOOK!

















Look How Many Baby Pandas I Have!

















I have so many baby pandas, I have to hire humans to hold a couple of them.







I keep a couple in the crib.
















And one in Tupperware!

















Yes!!! I am the most awesome panda Mother Ever!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Whack A Wingnut



Copied From Zaius Nation

This SOB Stole My Joke.

Look at this!

Look Familiar?
If you've been following the Daily Irritant (and why would you? Seriously, don't you have better things to do with your time? I don't, but come on.) it should look familiar

(Click Here)

I don't know who this cartoonist guy is, but i swear to God if I ever catch the son of a bitch, I will give him the frowning of a lifetime! Do you know how long it takes to create a visual joke like that when you can't draw for shit? I had to download pictures, upload them to http://cheezburger.com/lolbuilder.aspx?.aspx, type the words, then upload them back to Blogger. Oy. If I had known, I could have just waited for this comic strip to come out and stolen it.

Only At "Renew America!"

Click to enlarge

Lisa Fabrizio


Lisa Fabrizio took the time to write a column stating basically, "I'm not a racist, I hate the homos way more than the ethnics!"
Only at "Renew America" would this be considered a legitimate defense.

Here's what she had to say for herself:

Last week, former president Jimmy Carter, sounding much like a man desperate to reclaim his relevance in a world that's passed him by, told NBC News: "I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely demonstrated animosity toward President Barack Obama is based on the fact that he is a black man, that he's African-American."

Ok, good. You made it through the first sentence without saying anything stupid, offensive or demonstrably untrue. Keep going!

Now, putting aside the fact that he, a very white man, was on the receiving end of much intensely demonstrated animosity during his days in office, since when, you ask, is Jimmy Carter an expert on U.S. racial relations?

The fact that a lot of jerks hated him should be set aside as irrelevant. But not before being prominently mentioned!

And by the way, I'll wager Jimmy Carter has forgotten more about U.S. racial relations than your dumb ass will ever know.

But cut him some slack. After all, he did unite the country in a way not seen in decades; after only four years, almost all of America joined together in sending him on his failed quest to become our greatest ex-president.

Yes, almost all of America. If by almost all, you mean 50.75% of the popular vote. OK, technically, 59% voted for candidates other than Jimmy Carter. 50.75% went to Reagan, 6.61% went to John Anderson, 41% went to Jimmy Carter, with the remainder going to various fringe candidates. (SOURCE) So, yeah almost 6 out of 10 Americans who showed up to vote (and turnout was under 60%) voted against Carter. If my math is right, (and that's always possible) that adds up to a whopping 35% of the American voting-eligible public who joined together to send Jimmy Carter packing. So, um, yeah. . . good point.

But are Carter and those of his ilk correct? Are conservatives bigoted louts or are they truly colorblind? In a way liberals are right; about this conservative anyway. Colors and the noxious movements they often represent do affect me in many ways, most of them bad. And maybe I'm not alone in detesting these oft beribboned symbols of latent hippydom which hurt my brain as well as my eyes

You know, I never saw the point of putting ribbons on one's car, but now, I think I'm going to cover my car, and everyone else's I can find, in ribbons, ribbons ribbons!!! Just to hurt Lisa Fabrizio's so-called "brain!"

Among those hues that particularly rankle are:

Purple, pink or whatever this week's badge of homosexual self-esteem might be.

And there it is. People different from me have no Goddamn right to have self esteem!

Is there anything worse than not only having to witness attempts at the perverse gay and lesbian assembly to subvert our culture to theirs, but then to have these forays labeled as examples of 'gay pride'?

Yes, having to listen to homophobic cretins like you, for one. Also listening to you try to use big words. The word "subvert" means to undermine or overthrow. You can not subvert TO anything. One could subvert our culture, theoretically, but not TO another culture. It's just grammatically impossible.I think maybe you mean "subjugate"? At any rate, it's just pathetic that nincompoops like you have this irrational fear that "the gays!" are going to somehow take over and, what, force breeders to learn showtunes and decorate tastefully?

As if the embrace of rampant, unbridled and unnatural sex is good for our nation; so good in fact, that it must be taught to our children as an acceptable and even desirable 'alternative lifestyle.'

I don't know what's more pathetic, you obvious envy of the wild, unrestrained sex that you imagine the gay people having, or your paranoid delusion that children will be taught to desire gaiety!But go on, what other colors do you hate?

Yellow, as in journalism. Probably nothing has more hastened the advent of our present mess as the corruption of the great majority of our media into shills for the socialist agenda.

That is so absurd as to barely merit comment.
But, yes. Obviously the mainstream media is the propoganda arm of the politburo. That's why I can't open a paper, turn on the radio, or watch a Sunday Morning news show without running into.
George Will.
or Pat Buchannan.
or Charles Krauthammer.
or Jonah Goldberg.
or Bill O'Reilly.
or Sean Hannity.
or Joe Scarborough.
or Rush Limbaugh.
or Glenn Beck.
or William Bennet.
or David Brooks.
or Thomas Friedman. Well, you get the idea. And if it's Sunday morning, they're probably interviewing Newt Gingrich or Dick Cheney.
So, yeah. obviously total pinkos.

Any other colors bother you?

Green, as in the Earth-first, humans-last movement; one of the most insidious examples of the use of yellow journalism of our time. As outlined above, eager graduates of journalism school learn not to report the news, but to make it, by propping up the pseudo-science of like-minded liberals who prey on the fears of gullible Americans.


Right, the pseudo-science of EVERY LIVING NOBEL-PRIZE WINNING SCIENTIST who signed the "open letter to humanity" warning about global warming, needs to be propped up by pinko journalists. That's what's going on.

Which brings us to the hue that causes the most bile to rise in conservative craws: red. We conservatives pride ourselves on our steadfast determination to keep, or conserve, that which we hold dear, namely our system of a constitutional republic; one that has served our nation well for over 200 years. Yet liberals are, in many ways, even more stubborn in the opposite direction: they seek to embrace systems of governance that have time and again proved to be murderous regimes and/or outright failures; communism and socialism.

That is just not true, but I don't have the energy to go on with this argument.

And the fact that we have in the White House a black man who is a champion of nearly all of the above is irrelevant. Conservatives have felt the same way about Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, John Kerry or anyone else that favors the red
without the white and blue.

So, I get it. You're not a racist. You would equally despise any white man who didn't have sufficient hatred for gay people, or contempt for the environment, or who wants to use the government to help people. Well, I apologize, you clearly are no racist! You're just an awful, angry, bitter, delusional, paranoid, nasty little person. But not a racist.

The Best Band in Atlanta

According to the well-respected local weekly with the really dumb name, "Creative Loafing," there are two candidates for best band in Atlanta.

The editors chose Gentleman Jesse and his Men, while the readers selected The Black Lips. Both of these bands are pretty damn great, so let's put them head to head and see if we can't pick an ultimate winner.

First up, it's Gentleman Jesse.




Now the Black Lips.



Gentleman Jesse.



The Black Lips.



Who could choose between them? It will taker a wiser person than I.

Leave your vote in the comments.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Glenn Beck is a Sick Fuck

lenn Beck kills a small animal on his TV show to illustrate some kind of asinine point about Barack Obama and John McCain. We've all heard about the frog in boiling water, Glenn you dumb son of a bitch, you don't need to actually put a frog into boiling water. What would it have proved anyway? What if the frog had not died, but merely been badly scalded as you intended? How would merely torturing a tiny frog prove that there is some difference betwee Obama and McCain? (or similarity between them, I have no idea what kind of retarded point this idiot is trying to make.)



Isn't it about time that even FOX had the decency and good sense to pull this braying jackass off the air? Doesn't even Rupert Murdoch have some standards, no matter how low? What earthly good can come from letting this lunatic spew his insane nonsense into the public discourse night after night? Is anyone still advertising on this maniac's show? Hang on, let me go look.

. . . This should just take a minute, meanwhile, enjoy this picture of an adorable kitten.



Ok, here's what I found. This is from a website called "Defend Glenn dot Com" run by some asshole or assholes who think that Beck is getting a bad rap.

They suggest that people contact these advertisers to thank them for supporting Beck's paranoid, hate-filled lunacy. It sure would be a shame if people instead contacted them to urge them to pull their ads from Beck's Cavalcade of Awfulness.

OK. I tried to put up their list, but it wouldn't fit. You can see the list HERE, if you're interested.

Wrong Again, Westboro Baptist Church!


God doesn't hate "fags!"

Gad hates Six FLAGS!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

If Beyonce Were a Boy


































































Yes, I'm implying that she gets by on her looks and is actually not that great a singer.

Hank, WTF?

Would someone please explain to Hank Baskett that he has options?


Hank, you're a successful professional athlete. You have money, muscles and I'm told that you're considered pretty easy on the eyes. Plus you seem pretty charming and charismatic.You must have had countless young women vying for your attention.
















So, I gotta tell you, you are actually in a position to marry someone who:


A) is not as dumb as a bag of rocks.












B) has not been seen naked
by every teenage boy
who ever skulked into a Barnes & Noble


















C) has not been surgically mutilated

















and D) has not been defiled by this lecherous mummy:

EEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

Seriously, Hank - what the fuck? Was Tila Tequila not available? The "Rock of Love" girls not returning your calls? Missed your chance at Anna Nicole Smith?

No, but she seems nice, though. Mazeltov.

Advice For Georgia Teabaggers

From The Daily Kos:

If you live in Georgia or know someone who does, pass this plea for help along to any teabaggers you may know:

Calling all John Galts in Georgia

Digg this! Share this on Twitter - Calling all John Galts in GeorgiaTweet this submit to reddit Share This

Wed Sep 23, 2009 at 05:00:31 AM PDT

We really need your help.

As you may have seen in the newspapers, radio and the intertubes, much of the state of Georgia is underwater. People have lost their homes, cars and other precious things (like children and loved ones, but I know those are not quite as important to you folks...).

But foolishly, they are looking to the Government for help.

Starting with our Governor Sonny 'rugged individualist' Perdue, they are now calling on the Government to help.

That's where we need you John Galts and teabaggers who really, really want the Government out of all our lives.

Please call Rep Price and tell him to stand fast to his principles of no Government intrusions in our personal lives. Remind him of how steadfastly he shares your belief that the Government is never the answer.

Also, we are looking for some volunteers to go into Douglas County and tell the homeowners in the area that they should fix their flooded homes themseleves.

Please remember to picket the fire department to remind people that they are depending on a 'Government service' to show up in boats to help them leave their flooded homes. Ideally, in a free market economy, the market should determine what it is worth to you to be saved by a boat.

The full article is a little longer, read the full text here: (LINK)


Tuesday, September 22, 2009

This Guy is Nuts! Nuts for Gay Porn, that is!

You know Tom Coburn? The nut sack from Oklahoma who says things like this:



Yeah, he's an actual Senator from Oklahoma. I know.

Anyway, turns out he's got a guy on his staff who may be even nuttier!
Introducing Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff Michael Schwartz.

Here's what Mr. Schwartz had to say at the recent "Values Voter Summit."

‘All Pornography Is Homosexual Pornography’


That's right, ALL pornography is gay. You might think that pictures or videos of men and women having sex together might count as "straight" porn. But that just shows how little you know about pornography. Take it from the expert, Micheal Schwartz:

‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

I'm not sure exactly what that means, turning your sex drive inwards, but it seems like maybe if you look at enough pornographic imagery, you will want to start fucking yourself, which would be same-sex relations, I guess, because you are the same sex as yourself, or something, so bada-bing, you just turned gay? Maybe? I don't know, I'd better let Mr. Schwartz explain.

It’s been a few years, not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys who are like 10 to 12 years of age. But it is my observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality.
And that’s because they don’t want to be that way.
They don’t want to fall into it.”

Ok, couple of things, Mike.
One -- yes, its true that a lot of 10-12 year old boys are kind of dickish, but I'm not sure that really goes to prove your point.
Two -- I think the reason 10-12 year old boys speak badly about homosexuality is that A) They don't really get what it is, but they know that words like "fag" and "homo" make pretty good insults.
and B) the reason they have such negative views of gay people is because of assholes like you who teach them that the gay folks are evil and inferior before these kids even get what the word gay means. (speaking from experience here, I know I was raised to have very negative ideas about the gay folks long before I knew what "gay" meant)

Three -- You were hanging out with 10-12 year old boys who kept telling you that they didn't want to be gay? How creepy a scenario is that? I have never had a boy of any age say to me "Professor, I don't want to be gay!" Coincidentally, I have never propositioned a boy of any age.

Four -- they don't want to "fall into it?" Y'know, I'm a pretty clumsy guy. I've fallen into potholes, I've fallen into snowbanks, I've fallen in with a bad crowd, but even I have never "fallen into" homosexuality. It doesn't work that way. I know you think that homosexuality is basically a bad habit that can be "fallen into" and that like a habit, it can be broken, but in the real world, it doesn't work that way.


But I digress, do go on. . .

They don’t want to fall into it. And that’s a good instinct. After all, homosexuality, we know, studies have been done by the National Institute of Health to try to prove that its genetic and all those studies have proved its not genetic. Homosexuality is inflicted on people.

No, seriously, it isn't. That's just such a wrong thing to say on so many levels, I don't even know where to start.
First of all, it really is not such a good instinct to worry about falling into something which can not be fallen into. It's like worrying about falling through the looking glass.
Second, there is a HUGE flaw in your logic. Because the NIH has not discovered a "gay gene," does not mean that a person's sexuality does not have a genetic component. It may , it may not. Not that it matters, but genes may very well play a part. Genetic research is a very young science. But the bigger logical flaw is to leap from "homosexuality is not genetic" to "it is inflicted on people." Besides being a really offensive thing to say, it's just incorrect reasoning. One does not follow from the other.

But don't let me stop you from spewing the crazy.

“all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.” You know, that’s a, that’s a good comment. It’s a good point and it’s a good thing to teach young people.

Ok, if sneaking a peek at Playboy at the age of 12 would make you gay, I'm pretty sure I'd be Liberace.
Also, bald-faced lies are probably not a good thing to teach young people. If you want to keep young guys from looking at naked women, well that's pretty much a fool's errand, but telling them it will turn them gay is about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Wouldn't Hugh Heffner be gay by now? Or Larry Flynt? Or the countless men who subscribe to their magazines? Wouldn't all the subscribers have to at some point say, "Dear Mr. Flynt, Please cancel my subscription as I no longer have any interest in naked women, what with my being gay and all."

Seriously, it's beyond me how anyone listens to nuts like this.









Be on the Lookout

All citizens are advised to be on the lookout for Meat Baby!


Last seen wearing a bacon diaper, he is considered to be armed and delicious. If you see Meat Baby, do not try to apprehend him yourself, call the local authorities.
Or call me. I've got some A-1 and I'm not afraid to use it.

Hey, Look!

They Cloned Elvis!

Damn you, Mad Scientists! Why would you clone Fat Elvis? You should have cloned young "Hound Dog" Elvis! See, this is why everyone hates mad scientists. You ever notice how mad scientists are always the bad guy in the movies? Well, this is why. Jerks!

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Perfesser's Sideshow





























The Woman Under 30 with NO Tattoo on her lower back!


































The Non-ironically worn trucker hat!






.


































The Family that enjoys Three and a Half Men!













































The World's Only Fully-Clothed Nudist!