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Friday, January 16, 2015

A Brief Hiatus

The Chaos Compound will be dark for the next two weeks as we are heading out to check on some of our overseas operations.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b1/Ruins_of_Roman_Forum.jpg 
The upkeep has been somewhat lacking.


We leave tomorrow for Rome, then off to Venice, Florence, and Milan. So keep an eye on the international news for stories of evildoers being defeated in Italy. That'll be us.

 http://harbert.auburn.edu/binaries/images/international-programs/rome-italy.jpg

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Award Season Continues




And the winner is. . .



. . . Louie Gohmert!



http://littlegreenfootballs.com/weblog/img/skip_intro/2013/07/12/ZZ2A16F1BC.jpg

Louie Gohmert has been named "Legislator of the Year!"

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-2-gAP0XrWlE/T-kcZdOgbrI/AAAAAAAABDo/BJx6TiZKca0/s1600/congratulations.png

Oh, wait. I'm sorry, that's "Texas Legislator of the Year."

http://www.animateit.net/data/media/feb2013/Thumbs_21.gif 


Sorry, that's "EAST Texas Legislator of the Year." Still, though. Still pretty good.

http://textimages.us/congratulations/congratulations01/congratulations-050.gif


Congressman Louie Gohmert was recognized as the “Deep East Texas Legislator of the Year 2015.”



Ahahahahaha!!! The DEEP East Texas Legislator of the Year? What, you had to narrow it down to a single Congressional district in order for Gohmert to win?
http://api.ning.com/files/bfdU3foBPTHC9HffMXdLUT4tZt3xEdT1lZZHE1cNaSJ5I7Shui7sFwkPRshLp8djnzb5lTc40vdazNa8Go8HMP74qAd9rJeUiGZ7pt8KBXk_/hahahahaha.gif

That's like my wife telling me:

"you're my favorite person."
                   


                                              "in this house."
               

                                                                        "To whom I'm married"
                                                 


                                                                                                                "Currently."

                                           
Which she actually did say the other day, and now that I think about it. . .

But anyway. . .

Congressman Louie Gohmert was recognized as the “Deep East Texas Legislator of the Year 2015.”


Wait, 2015? He's the legislator of the year for 2015? The year that has been going on for an entire 15 days? What the hell could he possibly have accomplished in two weeks to earn this "honor?"


The award is given biannually to a legislator that has shown outstanding efforts on behalf of the people of Deep East Texas.
His assistance of veterans and support of the Veterans Administration Clinic in Lufkin were noted during the ceremony. State Senator, Robert Nichols, a past recipient of the award, made the Presentation.



Really?

That's it? He supports veterans and the Veterans Administration clinic? Are there a lot of Deep East Texas legislators who don't? That's like getting an award from the humane society for going a whole year without having kicked any puppies.

So, anyway um, congratulations? Louie Gohmert? You must be so proud?

http://themidnightalliance.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/sarcastic-clapping4.gif

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Dick of the Day

The "Reverend" Raymond Chavez

 http://www.nhmofdenver.com/uploads/2/5/1/7/25175166/1409638981.jpg


Mom's Funeral Halted by Pastor Over Affectionate Photos of Two Wives



Seriously, how big a dick does a person have to be to be a dick at someone's funeral?

http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.2058465!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/north-jersey.jpg


A Colorado pastor halted the funeral of a 33-year-old mother of two over the weekend, reportedly because a memorial slideshow featured kissing and other moments of affection between the woman, Vanessa Collier, and her wife, Christina Higley.
Jeezus! These people are already hurting, already in mourning, and you decide to add insult to injury because seeing two women in love makes you feel all icky? 

 https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/d6/94/c0/d694c0c653a2bf423788ff943acb0276.jpg 


Collier's widow, Christina Higley, posted this message on her Facebook page:

Her services were refused because we would not let New Hope Ministries ‘edit’ her life which was a slideshow of our family photos including our engagement and family photos of her and I with our two children! It never crossed my mind that it would be an issue considering we paid to use their facility ONLY. We brought in our own Pastor to facilitate.” (It’s unclear who that pastor was and how Chavez, the pastor for New Hope, came to be the one to halt the service.)


What the fuck? You weren't even involved in the service?I mean, it would have been despicable enough had you been officiating the funeral and stopped midway through and said "I'm sorry, but I can't in good conscience continue presiding over this funeral because the God I believe in is a hateful, petty bigot." But you weren't involved at all. If this was so horrible to you, you could have just not stuck your nose into someone elses's service in the first fucking place, you piece of shit!

image 

Yes, I'm sure God is super-offended by this!

Higley continued, “I’m not asking anyone to go against their own beliefs and religion. I only hoped we could find a house of God to celebrate my beautiful wife and her life (HER WHOLE LIFE) and lay her to rest in God’s arms. Is it too much to ask for? To reflect on how beautiful her life is, with all of her family including myself, her children, her family and closest friends? I lost my best friend, the love of my life and our children lost their mother! How would Ray Chavez explain to them why our family photos were inappropriate for her services to be conducted in that house of God?”

I think he might explain it thusly:

"I am a huge dick."

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

People who are keeping their jobs

1. The cop who wrote this on the internet:

“Let’s just get this over! Race war, Civil, Revolution? Bring it! I’m about as fed up as a man (American, Christian, White, Heterosexual) can get!”
"It’s obviously coming to a boiling point! I say “F*** IT”! I’m ready now! Sooner or later, I would say sooner than later!” [Detective Bobby] Kinch wrote (spelling out the profanity in his post).
“Thought I could make a difference, thought it would get better! See the morale fabric of this Country get so trampled I wanna call it! GAME ON! I think we need a cleansing! Just me? What say you?”
 (source)
http://www.critcononline.com/images/psycho%20cop%202%203.jpg

Investigators received a photo of Kinch, apparently taken at his birthday party, of the detective pointing a handgun at a collectible plate of Obama, a gag gift from friends who knew Kinch disliked the president.

Kinch was investigated by the Secret Service, who decided that he was not a credible threat to the President, and he was re-instated to his position to be a credible threat to the citizens of his fair city.

After a long internal investigation and a months-long suspension, Kinch is back working for Metro after a slap on the wrist, continuing to investigate cases.

Because there is pretty much nothing you can do that will get you fired from a police department.



2. The Congressman who compared our nation's Head of State, President Obama, to Hitler. And not favorably.


http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/btb/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Randy-WEber.jpg
(source)


 You know, we've sadly come to expect the Obama-Hitler comparisons from mouth breathers in tri-corn hats, but this is a sitting member of the United States Congress!
I wouldn't really expect him to lose his job for this, but you'd think there'd be some sort of consequences. Of course, there were none which is hardly surprising in light of. . .

3. The Congressman who associates with David Duke.

That's Congressman Steve Scalise (R-La)

http://cdn.thedailybeast.com/content/dailybeast/articles/2014/12/29/gop-leader-steve-scalise-admits-to-addressing-white-supremacists/jcr:content/image.img.2000.jpg/1419953137704.cached.jpg

As you might have heard, Scalise has now admitted to giving a speech earlier in his political career to a white supremacist group founded by former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke. Trolling for votes in Louisiana, Scalise thought it was a good idea to speak to one of the most vile hate groups in America.


 Again, I wouldn't expect him to lose his seat in Congress for this, because that would require someone in the GOP leadership to have some sense of common decency, but you'd think he'd at least lose his whip position. Trent Lott lost his whip position for being a racist bag of dicks, why should Scalise be more immune? Oh, right, because the Republican Party has gotten even shittier since then, I forgot!
As far as I know, not one single Republican has denounced Scalise or called for his resignation, because only Democrats are expected to "refutiate" controversial figures.


4. This idiot:

http://www.democracynow.org/images/story/51/26851/splash/Steve-Emerson-Fox-Terrorism.jpg?201412291301

Steve Emerson raised a few eyebrows a couplke of days ago when he made this claim on FOX "News."

“In Britain, it’s not just no-go zones, there are actual cities like Birmingham that are totally Muslim where non-Muslims just simply don’t go in.
“And, parts of London, there are actually Muslim religious police that actually beat and actually wound seriously anyone who doesn’t dress according to religious Muslim attire.”


This inspired a round of mockery on the Twitter with the hashtag #FoxNewsFacts.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/01/13/24AA00D900000578-2908019-Mocking_This_was_one_of_many_foxnewsfacts_tweets_making_fun_of_t-a-57_1421145350739.jpg http://cdn1.theweek.co.uk/sites/theweek/files/styles/theweek_article_main_image/public/8/39/150112-foxnewsfacts_0.jpg?itok=NorQiyne

In an extremely rare occurrence, Emerson, despite being a FOX contributor, has admitted that he was wrong. And that's the end of that!

And it would be one thing if it was just FOX, but apparently this imbecile has been advising the US government on counter-terrorism stuff.
According to his Wikipedia bio:

Richard Clarke, former head of counter-terrorism for the United States National Security Council, said of Emerson:
"I think of Steve as the Paul Revere of terrorism ... We'd always learn things [from him] we weren’t hearing from the FBI or CIA, things which almost always proved to be true."[41]


And there is a whole section entitled "Select Testimony" which includes a bunch of references like these:

Yes,all these people and more are keeping their jobs, because life is totally fair!

America in a Nutshell

  From Sunday's Atlanta Journal-Constitution:


AJC Poll: Georgians Want Transit, Not Tax



That just sums up America for me.

We want to have things.

We do not want to pay for things.

And we do not see the disconnect.



Georgians overwhelmingly support greater access to buses and trains to improve transportation in the state, but they have very little interest in increasing taxes to pay for them, an exclusive new poll for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution found.
The poll, conducted Monday through Thursday, found nearly 60 percent of Georgians believe improving transportation is important and nearly 70 percent support new bus and rail lines. Yet only 36 percent of respondents said they’d pay higher taxes to fund any kind of transportation project.


This is why we can't have nice things.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Headlines that make you say "Duh!"



South Dakota ban on gay marriage unconstitutional: U.S. judge

By David Bailey (Reuters)
http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20111208070246/glee/images/e/e6/Kurt_duh.gif


Obviously it's unconstitutional. Everyone always knew that these same-sex marriage bans were unconstitutional (equal protection clause - duh!) But even if someone didn't know that, the fact that court after court has struck these bans down one after the other should maybe have been a clue that this fight is over and the troglodytes have lost. Even if they refuse to accept that fact.



Inspector general: Some NY police use chokehold as first response

By Barbara Goldberg NEW YORK (Reuters)


http://kesseljunkie.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/weel-duh.jpg

Duh. . . I mean, we all saw the video of that cop choking Eric Garner to death for no reason. And if anyone thought that maybe this was some sort of isolated incident, some bad-apple rogue cop going for the chokehold the way most pf us would go for a handshake, you might notice that none of the other cops in the video make any attempt to stop him. Duh!




Illinois inauguration raises questions of corporate influence

By Mark Guarino CHICAGO (Reuters)


http://myhectichome.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/duh.gif


Duh, it's a political event. Of course there's corporate influence.




Output cuts expected at Husky Energy's Lima, Ohio, refinery after explosion

(Reuters)
http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130317061455/glee/images/1/19/Duh.gif





Really? You think output at the plant might be a bit reduced after the plant exploded?


duh animated GIF





Blacks, whites starkly divided on police conduct, AJC poll finds

4:07 p.m. Monday, Jan. 12, 2015

http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/003/4/c/duh_by_beatlesbug-d4l880h.gif


Sunday, January 11, 2015

Having guns makes you safe (Vol 1,504,286)

Because shootings always happen in "gun-free zones."

Kansas gun store owner dies after shootout during robbery attempt


 KANSAS CITY, Mo. (Reuters) - The owner of a gun store died on Friday in a shootout with four men who were attempting to rob the business in Shawnee, Kansas, a suburb of Kansas City, Missouri, police said.
Apparently, a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun but not four bad guys with guns.
If only we knew that bad guys with guns sometimes travel in packs. "Gangs" even.  Really, the only way that one could stay safe is to figure out how many bad guys with guns are coming and make sure you have at least that number of good guys with guns to back you up.

https://billsmovieemporium.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/vlcsnap-2011-03-10-22h18m35s56.png
Now I feel safe!

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Fuck These People!





Two Infants Too Young For Vaccinations Contract Measles From Unvaccinated People At Disneyland

How the fuck do we allow this to happen?

How have we not, in this day and age, made vaccinations mandatory?

I mean, I get why we would have thought that it would never be necessary , but now it clearly is, thanks to people who take medical advice from Playboy models.


 http://cdn04.cdn.justjared.com/wp-content/uploads/headlines/2012/06/jenny-mccarthy-playboy.jpg 

Wait, this isn't the Lancet!


Fuck these idiots and their stupid paranoid conspiracy theories. Vaccinations scare them? Too fucking bad. You don't get to risk your child's life because you don't get how science works, and you don't get to risk the lives of everyone else's kids because you think that you're smarter than every doctor in the fucking world.

Yes, if we make vaccinations mandatory, some people will be unhappy. Boo fucking hoo. Welcome to society. Everyone is unhappy about some law or other. After seeing Wolf of Wall Street, I'm a little unhappy that I can't try quaaludes. But you know what, too bad for me, we live in a society, so I'll just have to try to get along without them.

These people are hurting babies. BABIES! They're hurting and possibly killing babies. Not these kind of "babies" 

http://www.ivstatic.com/files/et/imagecache/636/files/slides/fetus_week_06-636.jpg 

But these kind:

 http://risensources.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Cute-Babies-Wallpapers.jpg 

Of course, if it were the first kind, Congress would have already passed the "Unborn Protection from Infectious Disease Act of 2015"

So fuck these people. Childhood vaccinations need to be made mandatory. Enough of this bullshit.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Someone has awakened the Gorgon!



Somehow, Phyllis Schlafly is still alive and people are still paying her to write things.

So we get treated to her analysis of just what the heck is wron with college these days. Anyone wanna guess what the problem is?

Well, obviously the problem is too many women!

Seriously, because no one hates women more than Phyllis Schlafly!

BRAVE NEW SCHOOLS

New math on college campuses

Phyllis Schlafly proposes plan to change ratio of males to females at universities

Long ago when I went to college, campuses were about 70 percent male, and until 1970 it was still nearly 60 percent. Today, however, the male percentage has fallen to the low 40s on most campuses. 

The American Council on Education reports that women have averaged 57 percent of enrollments since the year 2000. Women received nearly 60 percent of all college degrees conferred in 2010.
This has dramatically changed social relationships and interactions among students. Most girls and even some boys do not like this change, but nobody knows what to do about it, and few are even willing to discuss it.

Right. Because no one is more in tune with what the college "boys" and "girls" think than this person:

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/8b/Phyllis_Schlafly_by_Gage_Skidmore.jpg




One female student described the new relationship between the sexes like this: “Out of that 40 percent male population, there are maybe 20 percent we would consider dating, and out of those 20 percent, 10 have girlfriends, so all the girls are fighting over that other 10 percent.”


Oh, I didn't realize you had done that much research! You talked to one actual college student? 

http://www.blogcdn.com/www.parentdish.com/media/2010/03/drunkgirl-240th0203.jpg 
And apparently, it was her.

So the ladies are having trouble getting dates? Is that the problem? I mean I could see that being difficult for the "girls." I mean, they might have to concentrate on their studies or something!

 Also, there really is just no other place for a single gal on the go to meet a fella. If there aren't enough guys on your campus. . . hello, spinsterhood!

https://davidsbureauofnewsintelligence.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/catlady.jpg

Why oh why did I go to college?

Colleges claim they grant admissions based on academic merit, and girls come out of high school with better grades than boys. But that doesn’t always mean they are smarter or more capable of doing college work or succeeding after graduation.

Yeah, obviously if the metric you're using results in more women qualifying than men, your metric must be wrong. Sure they "claim" they're basing admission on academic merit, but how can grades be a measure of academics?

Boys do far better on average than girls on the SAT test for mathematics, which means that boys are better prepared than girls for STEM majors in college. This has been true every year for more than 40 years.
Nearly twice as many boys as girls attain very high scores on the math SAT, with an immense difference at the high end. But the job market for STEM graduates is not as good as it should be, due to corporations’ preference for hiring lower-paid, easy-to-control foreigners on H-1B visas, so many American guys decide that the high cost of an engineering degree is not worth it.

So a bunch of American guys are thinking to themselves, "gee, I have a real aptitude for engineering, but college is expensive! Guess I'll go see if Taco Bell is hiring." But somehow women have yet to figure this out? They're just wasting their money on college degrees while the menfolk stay home and. . . Okay, I'm lost. I though the reason there were fewer males in college had to do with some unfair standard for admissions (good grades).  Now you're saying it's the boys' choice not to enter college?

A shocking 46 percent of recent college graduates work in jobs that do not require a college degree. Boys are more likely than girls to look at the cost-benefit tradeoff of going to college. The imbalance of far more women than men at colleges has been a factor in the various sex scandals that have made news in the last couple of years.

Wait. Where did that come from? Shouldn't there at least be a paragraph break between the high cost of tuition and sex scandals? And when you say "sex scandals" you mean sexual assaults, right? You're not talking about like extra-marital affairs or whatever, right? And you're saying that, for instance, if there were more men on campus, Jameis Winston wouldn't have committed rape? 
Or that Phi Kappa Tau fraternity at Georgia Tech wouldn't have thrown rape parties had there been more men on campus?

So, what’s the solution? 
 
Yes, what solution do you have for this problem that is not a problem? How can we finally give college guys a fair shake?
 
One solution might be to impose the duty on admissions officers to arbitrarily admit only half women and half men.

Because we all know how much conservatives loooove quotas!

Another solution might be to stop granting college loans
 
Wait. The problem is that college is too expensive, and your solution is to cut out college loans? It's like you're in a leaky boat and your solution is to drill another hole. 
 

Another solution might be to stop granting college loans, thereby forcing students to take jobs to pay for their tuition and eliminate time for parties, perhaps even wiping out time for fraternities and sororities.

And nothing will attract more young men to your campus than having no parties!

Another solution would be to reinstate all the men’s sports that were canceled by an extremist feminist application of Title IX, the federal law that prohibits discrimination against female students.

Name one. Name one sport that was cancelled because of Title IX. It seems to be an article of faith on the right that tons of men's sports got cancelled because there was no women's team, yet every Saturday, turn on your TV and there is college football in all its glory even though no college I know of offers a women's football team. 

(For those readers outside the US, by "football" I of course mean "handegg.")
http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20131127233157/camphalfbloodroleplay/images/7/7b/Handegg-Football-Johnny-Manziel-Clint-Dempsey.jpg
The feminists have abolished more than 2,200 men’s college sports teams since 1981, such as wrestling, gymnastics, track, golf and even some football in order to limit the number of male players to Title IX guidelines.

Name one. Name one college that has cancelled men's football because of Title IX. I know UAB is ending it's football program, but that is due to financial trouble, not due to having too many men playing sports. So go ahead, name one school that has cancelled men's football, wrestling, or gymnastics because of Title IX.

It amazes me that you think "the feminist" have so much power that they can have entire sports teams disbanded when they can't even get a rapist expelled from most campuses.

By the way, I did  google search for "school cancels men's gymnastics" and got zero results.

No results found for "school cancels men's gymnastics".


That removes a primary motivation for young men to go to college, many of whom want to try out for a sport even if they are not good enough to make the team.

Wait. So you're saying that a bunch of young American men are thinking to themselves "gee, I'd sure like to go to college, but if I can't try out for the wrestling team, then fuck it, what's the point? I mean, what do I get out of this? An education? Better job prospects? Pfft! I only care about trying out for a team that I'm probably not good enough to make anyway." Do you really want these lummoxes taking up space in our nation's classrooms?

http://collegetimes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/AlyssaMiller091012-2.jpg

If I can't try out for the football team, I'm going home!

The popularity of the new college football playoff system illustrates how successful men’s college sports can be for participants and fans alike. But when colleges eliminate men’s sports, women are hurt by the resulting gender imbalance in enrollment.
 
Oh, so you are aware that college football still exists! Although, you must realize that very few of these players are actual "students" who are going to graduate or earn a degree. Also, college football is mainly successful for the university's coffers, television networks and advertisers, most participants are left with no degree, no job, some pleasant memories and a lot of aches and pains. (if they're lucky)
http://cdn.abclocal.go.com/images/wabc/cms_exf_2007/_video_wn_images/7731650_600x338.jpg
 So successful!
 
 
And so far you've yet to show any connection between the imaginary cancelling of men's sports and "gender imbalance" on college campuses. And you certainly haven't shown how women are "hurt" by being in the majority. I'm fairly sure that most women are not like you, Phyl. They don't despise themselves and their gender so much that they can't stand being in the company of other women.


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Just sayin'



Dershowitz hits back, seeks to disbar accuser's lawyers in sex abuse case

The U.S. criminal lawyer wants to discredit two attorneys representing a woman who says he abused her when she was underage



Or, in other words. . .




http://t.qkme.me/3670kd.jpg                 http://th05.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/i/2011/042/3/0/guilty_by_platypusluver-d39bl2p.png


http://www.penguinpetes.com/images/guilty_guilty_guilty.jpg

Please Ignore



Madonna sparks outrage with Mandela, Martin Luther King Jnr 'Rebelheart' images

Bang Showbiz | 04 January, 2015 09:52

http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.2064581!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/madonna4f-1-web.jpg
This is what she does.
Whenever she hasn't been getting sufficient attention she does something "shocking" to get her name back in the zeitgeist.

Madonna is not stupid, ok? And I don't think she's delusional. Does she think that she is the same type of rebel/martyr figure as Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandella?

http://media.news.de/images/respektlos-madonna-mandela-martin-luther-king_856118216_540x300_5a4f3e1f44c3f077c534ecf11e24b2db.jpg?images/24/63/61b90f1f87babbc604f89a1ab103.jpg,nopic/no_pic.jpg,540,300,,1,0,0,1000,556,,

Of course not. She's not stupid. But she knows  this will get her attention.

This is a woman who once published an entire coffee table book of naked pictures of herself.
http://a401.idata.over-blog.com/5/47/08/55/2013-dossier-5/tumblr_msytwbRUZi1sadfdyo1_1280.jpg

When people weren't talking enough about her, she walked topless down the runway at a Jean Paul Gaultier show.

http://villageartisan.org/wp-content/uploads/catablog/fullsize/photo_not_available-4.jpg
This is a family blog.

When her star had faded again, she kissed Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera at some awards show just to get people talking about her. And it worked because there's a sucker born every minute.

http://jokesonyou.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/britney_spears_madonna_vma_the_fren.jpg 
Women kissing? That's not something you see every day. 
Unless you have a computer. Or a television.



 And remember this trainwreck?

http://www.tvacres.com/images/madonna_letterman.jpg

So, no. Madonna doesn't actually think that she's an MLK or Mandella-type figure.

http://media.tumblr.com/37a85ce23fcc212c1b4aaea039a4b681/tumblr_inline_mzkuhzpDBx1qcc6n8.jpg
Also, she knows she's not Che.


 She's not stupid. She knows exactly what she's doing. And when you take to the Twitter or the Tumblr of the Facebook to express your OUTRAGE!!! at her latest stunt, you're giving her exactly what she wants. She's like the cliche' child who doesn't care if she gets positive attention or negative attention as long as she gets attention.


 So, please, just ignore Madonna. There is no point in condemning her, as long as you're typing her name she's happy.

And, geez, it's not like we didn't already know how low she'd stoop to get a little publicity!

http://media.tumblr.com/d0ac5b5d3a1a62d463e40f6f6e97e447/tumblr_inline_mjx3c0Pszj1qz4rgp.jpgimageimage






Monday, January 5, 2015

Headlines that sound like The Onion



American Achiever of 2014: Sarah Palin


Um. . . Achiever? 


 http://webinarsforprofit.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/confused.jpg



 2014? 

 http://www.dailymobile.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Confused-man1.jpg

Sarah Palin?      


http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pnvz9tf1Hzk/TmcoxXpT2FI/AAAAAAAABCc/_EFn8pKULeA/s1600/Confused-Doctor.jpg



You know, I could see naming Ms Palin "achiever of the year" for whatever year she won the gubernatorial race in Alaska. That was quite an achievement for an empty-headed, spite-fueled mayor of  methtown.  But 2014? What the hell did she achieve in 2014?

Well, she did manage to go the entire year without having another baby. Or grandbaby. So that's something.

And she was handed yet another "reality" show by the lib'rul lamestream media, although it is on a channel no one watches and she looks to be one of three "hosts" even though her name is above the title. So I guess having name enough name recognition that a huntin' & fishin' channel will pay you to try to drum up some interest in some piece of crap show is sort of an accomplishment?

And I think that there was that one time she managed to form a coherent sentence.

Also, she finally dislodged that piece of popcorn from between her teeth. She found her car keys.  She did a load of laundry in which all the socks matched up.

She remembered to wear her underwear on the inside.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vZdXApzuiZc/UjjfV7LwvNI/AAAAAAAAA9E/RVQkb0Cez9s/s1600/Paul-Cram-Underwear.jpg 
Some folks still haven't got the hang of it!


But let's just see what accomplishments she's actually being honored for.


It would be the height of churlishness for even the most inveterate leftist to deny the import of someone who made Time magazine's "100 Most Influential People" list, and then the Smithsonian Institution's "100 Most Significant Americans Of All Time" list.  Both affirmations were earned by former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

What the fuck? Most significant Americans of all time? She made the top 100? She's on a list that presumably includes George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr, Henry Ford and Joan Jett? What the hell is wrong with the Smithsonian?

Let me look at that list. 

Okay, among the first three names listed are a Brit and two Italians, at least one of whom never set foot in America.

Trailblazers
Christopher Columbus
Henry Hudson
Amerigo Vespucci



So, I'm not sure that I'm going to give this list all that much weight.

Especially since this list does not include Cesar Chavez,  Woody Guthrie, Miles Davis, Mario Savio, Orson Welles, or Gloria Steinem. 

Also, the traitors Benedict Arnold and Robert E. Lee made the cut, so inclusion on this list is not necessarily a compliment. Seriously, Lucky Luciano, John Wilkes Booth and Charles fucking Manson all made the list. 

So, anyway, I'm not sure that making this list really makes you that much of an "achiever."


To then accept Governor Palin as "American Achiever of the Year 2014" would be for most, if not all on the left (and to be fair, many in the GOP) no doubt a bridge too far. 

Well, no, it would just be silly. Let's not get all dramatic.
 
Palin achieved what such luminaries as President Obama did not: a place in the Smithsonian's prestigious "Most Significant" list. 

And?

After being written off by many in the media, and especially the left, as "irrelevant" and predicted by MSNBC's Krystal Ball as "not going to have an effect on the [2014] midterms," Palin's record of success of her endorsed candidates was nothing short of phenomenal. Governor Palin endorsed 22 candidates for various offices during the midterm finals, including senators, governors, lieutenant governors, congressmen, and attorneys general.  Of those so endorsed, an incredible 20 were elected

Oh. And we're pretending that she had something to do with their success, is that it? She endorsed a bunch of Republicans in an off-year election in which Republicans won handily with extremely low turnout. So ipso facto, they won because of her. Obviously.  I mean, it's not like anyone else was endorsing these candidates, right?

Also, I think maybe it was these candidates who achieved something more than the person who "endorsed" them. I mean, it's like making me sportsman of the year because I rooted for the Giants and they won the World Series. 

http://cdn-jpg.si.com/sites/default/files/styles/inline_gallery_desktop/public/images/2014-Sportsman-Madison-Bumgarner.jpg
Dammit, that shoulda been me!
Beyond the success of her endorsed candidates lies a much deeper reason for Palin being seen as "Achiever of the Year": those Palin endorsed in their respective primaries who then went on to win the general election battles.  As in the past with, among others, senators Ted Cruz, Kelly Ayotte, and Deb Fischer, and Governor Nikki Haley, who owe their elections in their primary campaigns to Palin's endorsement at a critical juncture, so too could new senators Ben Sasse and Joni Ernst, and new Alaska governor Bill Walker (and, remarkably, his Democrat lieutenant governor Byron Mallott) be considered to owe all or a substantial part of their nominations to Palin's endorsement. 

Really? Do you have any evidence that any of these politicians were helped by Palin's endorsement? Seriously, do you think the voters in these awful states were thinking, I'm not going to vote for this extremist right-wing nutjob. . .oh, wait. Palin's endorsing her? Well, the hog-castrator's got my vote!
You really think anything like that happened? Do you have any polling data to back that up? Any evidence at all?

 For all her detractors’ cries of "irrelevance" and "she's just a reality show entertainer" (those two being among the nicer epithets), Palin goes on, election cycle after election cycle, populating Congress with her endorsed candidates in a cost-effective manner, and in such numbers that the likes of Karl Rove with his 1% success rate can surely view only with hidden admiration, if not downright envy.
 
Wow. Okay, I'll give you that one. She's more relevant than Rove. Jeezus, who isn't these days?

In what is perhaps the most interesting aspect of Palin’s year of achievement, in instance after instance where Palin was ridiculed for a straightforward statement (e.g., "death panels" or the true history of Paul Revere), her most strident critics have agreed, in whole or in part, with her views. 

Well, now you're just lying. That's just a big fat lie. She was dead wrong (lying) about "death panels" and she was dead wrong (ignorant/stupid) about Paul Revere. Yes, I know someone did a bunch of mental gymnastics to come up with a way to say that she was technically not altogether wrong about Paul Revere, but yes she was. She was wrong. 

But, hey, you want to make her your "achiever" of the year? Go right ahead. It's no skin off my nose. Just know that everyone who reads your column is going to be laughing at you.




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