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Tuesday, October 16, 2018

A Scary Halloween Story

(h/t Chapo)

Nathan’s Story

Okay, there is a lot of prologue  (ooh, scaaaaary prologue) before Nathan's story even begins. It begins with a news story about some cattle mutilations that almost certainly did not actually happen

A cow and a bull were both killed overnight. An ear cut off. A section of hide detached. The scrotum and penis carefully removed. The vaginal cavity gone. The blood drained. . . 

. . . The state inspector who is investigating this said this isn’t random:“The people who are doing this, I would say are professionals,” he said. “They know what they are doing.”
Professional cattle mutilators. Now THAT's scary!

Then Rod talks about "The mainstreaming of Satanism in pop culture," which I guess could be a thing? I'm a little old for keeping up with pop culture. 
But either way , you know what's really scary?

Then, finally, he launches into the true tale of horror!

Free-Scary-Horror-Halloween-Font-2012 >

Now, that’s a set-up for me to tell you about a strange telephone call I received yesterday. I’ve hesitated about whether or not to blog about it. The caller, an old friend from whom I hadn’t heard in a decade or so, gave me permission to blog about it as long as I kept names and identifying details out of the story. He said others may draw hope from it. He wasn’t exactly sure why he felt the urge to call me about the matter, but he did.

Okay. Sure. Some guy you haven't seen or heard from in a decade has a strange urge to call the one person he knows with a column to tell him about his horrible secret that he isn't really comfortable about sharing publicly. Yeah, that tracks.


“Nathan,” as I’ll call my friend, is a devout Catholic who lives in a major US city, and who works in a sophisticated professional milieu. He is in early middle age, and a husband and father. He and his family go to mass daily, and confession weekly.

"a sophisticated professional milieu?" So. . . he has a job? I guess this is so we know that "Nathan" isn't some sort of kook, or a person that Rod made up because he had column inches to fill.

Also. . . go to mass daily? Who goes to Mass DAILY? I got to think that the proest just groans every time Nathan and his wife walk in the door. "Ugh, this asshole again? If it wasn't for this freak, I could sleep in on weekdays."

Ned Flanders is on the phone the simpsons, ned flanders, ned, flanders, reverend lovejoy, reverend, lovejoy, simpsons reverend lovejoy GIF

Nathan started his story with a jaw-dropping line: “For the past year, my wife has been under the care of an exorcist.

Seth Macfarlane Spit Take GIF

So many questions.
I mean, for a year? Is demon possession one of those chronic conditions like tendonitis? Isn't the exorcist just supposed to cast out the demon and that's that? I think you've got a faulty exorcist there, buddy. Or your wife is just telling you that the man who's been spending so much time around your house the past year is an "exorcist."

Nathan told me the story of how things came to this point. I won’t give you too many details, out of an abundance of caution. It turns out that his wife had an eating disorder as a teenager, and tried to kill herself twice back then. 

What? What does an eating disorder have to do with unclean spirits from Hell invading your wife's body? You definitely need some details.

 Now, in the middle of her life, depression returned, but with certain strange characteristics that seemed … off.

Wait. A supernatural dark power has taken control of this woman's immortal soul and the result is. . . she's depressed? No head spinning? No pea soup? No levitating? She's depressed? Well, shit most of the people I know must be possessed then.

She began to despise religious things, in an inexplicable way. 

well, it might be explicable by the fact that you drag her to mass EVERY DAY. I mean, if you took me to see the Rolling Stones Every Single Day, I would probably eventually come to despise things that are Rolling Stones related.

When she went to a “healing mass,” there was a manifestation that indicated something dark and alien was at work in her.

Wait. A "manifestation?" You need to define you terms. A "manifestation" could be almost anything. I mean, the definition of "manifestation" is literally "an event, action, or object that clearly shows or embodies something, especially a theory or an abstract idea." 
So it's a noun.
Schoolhouse Rock

Catholic exorcists today work in a professional way, ruling out all other medical possibilities to explain the behavior before they start. 

Uh, no. No that can not be true. Because the first thing they would have done is send her to a psychiatrist. You tell the "professionals" that your wife is suffering from depression and doesn't seem her usual self, the first thing you'd do is prescribe her some Zoloft. You wouldn't say "i'm going to go ahead and put you down for a year's worth of exorcisms."

The exorcism of Nathan’s wife has not been a single event, but has required multiple sessions, which are still going on (Father Gabriele Amorth, the late chief exorcist of Rome, has explained in his books how this works.) Nathan has been part of the rituals.

Really? Because in the Bible, don't they just command the unclean spirit to leave in the name of God and the unclean spirit says "curses! Foiled again!" and slinks back to Hell with it's pointy tail between it's goaty legs?"

This sounds like a bad  chiropractor. You ever go to a bad chiropractor? You come in once a week or twice or three times a week, depending on how big a sucker you are

and how much your insurance will cover. They crack your back, crack your neck, and  you feel a lot better for a few hours. Then you have to keep coming back because your back never really gets any better. That's what this sounds like. Like once a week you have an exorcism, the demons come out, you feel better, then later that night they come back in and you feel all possessed again and the cycle continues. Are they charging you by the session?

He told me that eight different spirits have manifested themselves through his wife. He’s been at this long enough now to discern which one is which. They revealed through the rituals that they entered into his wife’s family through her grandfather;, who was involved with the occult in a ritualistic way.

John Stewart GIF - John Stewart Double GIFs
Wait, What?

So it's contagious?
Or genetic?
Like even though you yourself have no connection to the occult, in fact you go to Mass Every Single Day, you still have the getting-possessed-by-demons gene passed down from your grandfather, so you're still gonna get possessed?  That seems unfair.

Nathan said that depending on which evil spirit manifests in a particular moment, his wife’s face contorts into expressions that he has never seen in her, despite their nearly two decades of marriage.

So. . . you've never seen her O face. Got it.

Drew: I'm thinking I might take that new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my O-face. "Oh... Oh... Oh!" You know what I'm talkin' about. "Oh!"

Mind you, Nathan is one of  the least woo-woo friends I have. Again, he works as what you might call a “symbolic analyst” in a very worldly occupation,

A "symbolic analyst?" He analyzes symbols?

So he's this guy:

Yeah, no way that guy would mistake mental illness for something supernatural and occultic!

“Once you’ve seen reality through the eyes of spiritual warfare,” he told me yesterday, “you can’t go back. It’s everywhere.”

Oh. So he's this guy:


He told me other detailed stories, including accounts of bizarre, poltergeisty things happening in their apartment, and his wife being unable to stand the presence of blessed objects (a classic sign of possession)

So, shouldn't attending mass in a Catholic Church Every Single Day have had that effect? Wouldn't the devil be unable to stand being in the presence of the crucifixes and eucharists and holy water and whatnot? Shouldn't that alone have driven him out? Shouldn't he have realized "shit, I picked the wrong lady to possess. I am not going to be sitting through the mass every single day for the rest of this chick's life. I'm outta here!":

;Again, readers: if you knew these people, Nathan and his wife, you would be even more shocked by all this than you are now. This is the kind of family that takes European vacations, and lives a sophisticated cosmopolitan life. And yet this horror has overtaken them. 

I don't really see what their vacation plans have to do with their likelihood to encounter dark forces? Are you implying that demonic possession is generally only a problem for the provincial?

The wife goes through periods in which she hears foul blasphemies, and feels compelled to commit suicide.

Oh my GOD, get this woman to a psychiatrist! This isn't about your religious beliefs. This woman needs help!

Or she would, if she existed.

In the exorcism sessions, Nathan says the demons, under compulsion from the exorcist, speak of these things — in particular, how they intend to destroy Nathan’s wife, and her family life.

So. . . the exorcist can compel the spirits to reveal their nefarious plans, but he can't compel them to leave?
0 Stars. Would Not Reccomend.

When will she be free of them? The exorcist can’t say. The fight continues, in regular sessions. In our long phone conversation yesterday, Nathan says that this ordeal has taught him about the power of prayer

It hasn't worked in over a year?
There doesn't even seem to have been any progress!
The Power of Prayer?
This is about the best argument AGAINST the power of prayer I've ever heard!

Nathan, the sort of man who would have been played by Jimmy Stewart or Jack Lemmon in a 1950s movie, told me that having entered into this world, he has learned that more and more ordinary people like him and his wife are turning to exorcists. He has come to see that the demonic attacks on marriage and family are increasing — and he wants people to know that there is hope.

No there isn't! There is no hope! Your professional exorcists have been at this for a year and your wife isn't getting any better! Where in this scenario are you seeing "hope?"

Also, Jimmy Stewart and Jack Lemon were two very different actors. No way they would be up for the same role.
And why are you even talking about who would play Nathan in the movie? Is this a treatment for a screenplay you're working on?

Well now, now you just come on out of there you, you, you Demon!

I don’t know how I would do if I were in a situation in which I would be lying in bed at night, and my wife blurted out, “I hate you!” and then started growling in an otherworldly voice. That’s Nathan’s reality now. He is not afraid.

He's not afraid?
He is lying in bed next to a woman who supposedly has at least eight different actual, literal demons inside her. And they are apparently contagious. And the professional exorcist has been unable to get rid of them. How could you possibly not be afraid?

Also, there is no way that your wife doiesn't blurt out "I hate you" every time you join her in bed. It's probably just under her breath.

Image result for count floyd scary

Friday, October 12, 2018

More Fun With Headlines

All Shows Were Cancelled During 2018. Here's Why


Really? All of them? That's gonna suck.

Royal Kingdom Confirms 'Unfortunate' News

Buckingham confirmed what everyone was saying about the Royal Family this week...

It's true. They are a bunch of inbred, overpriveleged, useless lunks.

Michelle Obama is getting heat for her friendship with 'wonderful man' George W. Bush: 'I love him to death'

Well, I guess we don't have to worry about her running for President now.

Mitch McConnell Is Going to Kill the United States Senate

So at least he will have done one positive thing in his life.

Trump 'surprised' by Rosenstein canceling meeting on Hill

He was also surprised to learn that there's a country called Turkey! What's next, the Democratic Republic of Chicken Fingers?

USA Today Publishes Fact Check Of 'Misleading' Trump Op-Ed

I mean, sure they could fact check things BEFORE they publish them, but who has time?

Kanye West Says He Was Misdiagnosed With Bipolar Disorder

Yeah, I'm actually just batshit insane.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

Things that make me feel stabby

Thing # 1:

Thing 1 And Thing 2 Printable Template Seuss coloring pages t thing

Oh my god.
First of all, what the hell, Biden?
Bush 43, like every other Republican monster, has an entire cottage industry devoted to rewriting history to salvage his legacy. We don't need prominent Democrats helping to rehabilitate his reputation.

Oh, and Dubya is committed to veterans now? NOW? As a private citizen? Too bad he didn't spend eight years in charge of the Veterans' Administration. Too bad he was never in a position of  influence over our nation's budget. Too bad he was never in a position to steer more much-needed funds to veterans' services. Oh, and too bad he was never the "decider" as to whether or not the troops were sent in to war on the flimsiest of pretenses. It's really a shame, given his obvious love for the veterans, that he was never the guy who could have allowed the veterans to come home alive and in one piece.

Fuck this guy, he should be in the Hague. He should be getting shackles, not medals. And fuck you, Joe Biden for participating in this glorification and faux redemption of this nasty, stupid, vicious little man.

Thing #2:

This asshole:

GOP House nominee: We can stop rape by ‘educating females’

Image result for shocked gif

That can't really be what he said, right? Right?

During the fifth debate in Virginia’s 5th Congressional District between Riggleman and his Democratic opponent, veteran journalist Leslie Cockburn, an audience member asked both candidates how they proposed to reduce incidences of rape and sexual assault.
Riggleman replied with … this.
“As far as what’s going on on campus … I think a lot of it comes to educating females, specifically in the fraternities and sororities that they’re a part of,” Riggleman said.

Frustrated Kristen Wiig GIF

I know it's not the point here, it's nowhere near the point, but does this guy think that women join both sororities AND fraternities?

But mainly, fuck this guy. What a scumbag. Although not as big a bag of scum as this guy:

Thing #3:

= A human silhouette wearing a thick coat and hood stands against a white background. Beams of white emanate from the hood opening, obscuring its identity.

Pro-Kavanaugh Councilman: ‘Better Get Your Coat Hangers Ready’

Image result for oh my god gif

I don't even know how to respond to this. Except to say that it's obvious these fuckers don't actually care about preventing abortions, they just want the women who have them to suffer. If you cared about the "sanctity of the unborn" or whatever, you wouldn't make jokes about back alley abortions. Also, if you were any kind of a halfway decent human being, you wouldn't joke about this.

And, as this son of a bitch is clearly not a halfway decent excuse for a human being, it may not surprise you to learn that he is virulently homophobic.

Yep, he's trotting out the old tried-and-absolutely-not-true "gay guys are pedophiles" line. In the 21st Century.

Voters first elected Barber in November 2016, when he ran as a Democrat. He left the party in 2017 and became an independent, accusing Wood County Democratic Party Chairman Daryl Cobranchi of “anti-Christian rhetoric” after Barber refused to a support a non-discrimination ordinance Cobranchi supported. The ordinance would’ve extended nondiscrimination protections to LGBT residents.

There are actually even more things making me feel stabby today, but I am told that I have dinner plans and I must go.

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

A Worse Ad. Much, Much Worse.

I know, I know, the Kavanaugh debacle is kind of yesterday's news, but I just saw this ad on Twitter.

It is just astounding to me that there are actual living, breathing women who could have watched Dr. Blasey-Ford's and Bret Kavanaugh's testimony and think, not "that could be my daughter." or "that could be me." or "That was me," but "oh, my God, that could be my son!"

And this video - My God! First of all, you're assuming that your sons are going to grow up to be "Men of Virtue, Integrity and Courage." That's a hell of a leap. Like no son raised by a Catholic mom has ever grown up to be a crook or a coward or oh, I don't know, a date rapist. All sons grow up to be athletes, scholars, firefighters and soldiers. And, as we all know, none of those professions have ever harbored any sexual predators!

let it go eye roll GIF

And now there's a whole #HimToo thing.

Because, you know, this is a thing that totally happens. Women go around making false accusations of rape because they love getting death threats and being called a whore on Twitter.

Yeah, that's way more scared than the parents of daughters who will be dating the boys you are raising to think that women are a bunch of lying psychos who want to destroy their lives for some reason.

judge judy eye roll GIF

Like what is it these people think is going to happen? Like a boy is going to go on a date with a girl and then she'll say "Aha! You fell for my little trap! Now I shall go to the police with a false accusation and DESTROY YOUR LIFE!!!!  For, um . . . some reason. I guess, really, at the end of the day, I've just always wanted to destroy some random dude's life. That's just how we girls are, ya know?"

yeah. It's a really scary time for dudes right now.

Monday, October 8, 2018

Bad Ads -- Popeye's

Warning: Swears ahead.

Okay, first of all, this is just not clever. It's not exactly an original idea to have some ambient noise drown out a speaker when he/she uses an expletive.
It's been done.
And it's been done with much more likable, charismatic speakers. (At least once on an episode of Seinfeld).

But putting that aside, Is this really supposed to make me want to try your new sauce? Because every time I hear "____ Sauce," my brain automatically autocompletes it to "shit sauce." I mean, it's a one-syllable expletive, there aren't a lot of good oiptions.

Also it looks like this.

And it's "%@$#" sauce, so I assume that's four letters. So what is the least unappetizing word it could be?

Dick Sauce?

disgusted emma stone GIF

Fuck sauce?

disgusted sarah michelle gellar GIF

C**t Sauce?

disgusted jack sparrow GIF

There's really no good option.
I guess maybe "Hell Sauce" if it's super hot? But you really don't need to censor the word "Hell." Not even on network TV in primetime.

Popeye's has a terrible ad campaign anyway, with the lady who's trying to walk the line of sounding like she could plausibly be from Louisiana without sounding like some kind of stereotype. (Spoiler alert: She can not) But this is a whole new level of dumb.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

No Conservative Will Ever Argue Anything Honestly

No conservative will ever argue anything honestly.
No conservative will ever say "here's my viewpoint and here's why I think that you're wrong/"

Conservatives will never, for instance, say "here's why I think that the ACA is a bad idea. Here are the flaws I see in this proposal." No, they'll say "DEATH PANELS!" and "Tyranny!" and "fascism/communism!"

No conservative will ever say "here is a legitimate reason why I think the capital gains tax should be lowered." No, they'll say "You shouldn't have to pay taxes on the same money twice." Which is true, but is not at all what the capital gains tax does and they goddamm well know it.

But this guy takes conservative disingenuoussness, spuriousness, and general bullshittery to a whole new level.

First he starts with the straw man claim that the FBI is being tasked with investigating Brett Kavanaugh's "rudeness." Actually a straw man would be more convincing. This is like a poorly-drawn stick figure argument. And everything else in this short clip is based on this laughable ludicrous lie.

He shows a short clip of Barack Obama mentioning that the Iranian hardliners have made "common cause with the Republican caucus." He claims, both before and after the clip, that Obama "compares Republicans to the terrorists who chant death to America." Which is obviously not at all what the President said. He said they were "making common cause."  This is like if you were an animal-rights supporter and despised hunting, but you applaud the efforts of a group like "Ducks Unlimited" to preserve wetlands. You both, for very different reasons, want to preserve the environment. That doesn't make you a hunter, and it doesn't make the hunters animal rights activists. It does mean you have a common cause. Bareack Obama definitely did not say that the Republicans were like, or similar to, or analogous to Iranian hardliners. (Although he would have had a point if he would have said that.) But it soesn't matter because now we're on to Hillary Rodham Clinton's famous "deplorables" comment.

This Gun fellater makes the claim that she said "you're all deplorable," when she clearly says "about half of Trump's supporters" belong in the deplorables basket. You could call that rude, I call it generous.

Then Maxine Waters. Okay, I'll concede that what she is advocating in that clip would amount to "rudeness." I wouldn't compare it to, say, mocking a survivor of sexual assault. Or mocking a disabled reporter. Or mocking a man who spent years being held as a POW in service to his country. But sure, yelling at truly horrible people in a restaurant is technically rude.

It is a bit rich to hear the "fuck your feelings" crowd getting this worked up over "rudeness," though.

It's kind of funny that the 'fuck your feelings' crowd is now complaining non-stop that people aren't being nice enough to dear leader.

And all this nonsense. all this bullshit, all this dishonesty hinges on acceptance of the absurd premise that the Democrats want the FBI to investigate not Kavannaugh's numerous "alleged" sex crimes, but his "rudeness." It's strikingly ludicrous. But that's par for the course for conservative political "arguments."

By the way, this guy does not blink.

What, never? 

.Hardly EVER!!!

He blinks maybe like once a minute.
That is not normal.

Monday, October 1, 2018

They Just Keep Getting Dumber

I thought the Kavanaugh supporters had reached peak stupid when they all got excited over that guy who used Googl;e maps ans Zillow to "prove" that it couldn't have been Kavanaugh who assaulted young Christine Blasey (Ford) and was, in fact, another guy who maybe sorta resembled  Kavanaugh - which is libel and I hope to God the "doppelganger" sues the hell out of that idiot.
 I thought that was as dumb as they could get.
Then I went on Twitter.
And I was introduced to some person or persons called "Well Aware 1."

According to Well Aware 1, Brett Kavanaugh could not possibly have assaulted young Christine Blasey because Christine Blasey -Ford DOES NOT EXIST!

Not only is the woman purporting to be Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford N OT CDr. Christine Blasey Ford, the deep state or whoever is trying to "take down" poor sweet innocent Brett, hired an actress to pretend to be her.

And not some unknown aspiring thespian that no one would recognize. No, they went out and hired television and film star Amy Schumer to play the part!

amy schumer and Ford

Yes, as teens, Christine Blasey and Amy Schumer had very similar-looking smiles. So why would you think it matters that their eyes and noses are different? And their cheekbones/? As any police detective or prosecuter will tell you "if the smile is the same, you've got the same dame!"

And it's not just this one photo, just listen to all the sciencey parts that make up this airtight case of  face science:

For facial landmarks, we have to look at the structure due to the makeup used, and we can see the glabella and philtrum are a match.  Its impossible to change the distance between the eyes but it can be done with lens distortion.  So a single means of biometric measurement cannot be used to count out a person, but it can be used along with other methods to confirm.  The sum of the biometric information in this investigation is unquestionable.
Amy schumer is Dr Forn
A graphic Jon from our team created to demonstrate the facial shape is the same. Even her hair growth pattern is the same.  Or her style with her extensions has not been changed is more the case.

Look, it's pretty obvious that if you cut out some parts of Dr. Balsey-Ford's face and paste them over Amy Schumer's face, Amy Schumer starts to look an awful lot like a certain Dr. Blasey-Ford. Wake up, sheeple, the proof is staring you in the face!

Not enough proof for you? Well check THIS out:

amy schumer,

Yeah, that's right. They Both Have Teeth! Can that be chalked up to "coincidence?" Hardly! How many women do you know with incisor, canines AND bicuspids?

But here's where it gets weird.

Add the additional biometric test to the list. Like the others, it is a 100%  match as well. The foreshortening of the thumb is due to camera perspective.  So don’t be fooled by a single screenshot. We can even see where the makeup ends and her natural skin begins across the neckline.

ford, amy schumer

Okay, it's weird enough that the Mission Impossible fake skin ends exactly where Well Aware drew the red line. 

Tom Cruise Mask GIF

What makes it super freak, and thus obviously supertrue, is that if I hold up mu hand, I have the same lines on my palm as the ones diagrammed on Dr. Ford's and Amy Schumer's! Someone got to me! This goes all the way to the top!

A statement I make all the time to people who are on the fence is “When in doubt, check the spouse”.
When these actors are hired to play the roles of people who we are to believe are actual people, they need to support their claim by using photos of their past.  We see in order to keep the number of people in the know as low as possible they tend to use their family members to play those supporting cast.  We see Amy’s spouse is being shown to us as the spouse of Ford.  They will choose photos that depict the individual to look as different as they can.  Think about how many photos of you that have been taken that you appear to look nothing like how you really look.

My God, he's right! The man on the left somehow (Trick photography?) manages to look absolutely nothing like either of the men pictured on the right, one of whom is AMY SCHUMER'S ACTUAL HUSBAND! How did they manipulate these photos of what is obviously the same man to look like two completely different men? We've known for some time now that the top levels of the military intelligence milieu have a photgraph-manipulating technology called "Photoshop." It would appear that that technology has been deployed here.

The Sister-in-law (Mother)
Christine Blasey Ford's Sister-in-law
We are told by the media that this is Christine Blasey Ford’s sister-in-law. But knowing that Christine Blasey Ford is really Amy Schumer we see the sister-in-law is being played by Amy’s mother.
 So not only does Christine Blasey-Ford's sister-in-law look creepily like Christine Blasey Ford, she somehow manages to not look at all like Amy Schumer's mother who we know she really is because we have already established that Amy Schumer is playing the part of Dr. Blasey-Ford, so who else would they get to play her sister-in-law but a woman who is a generation older than Amy Schumer? 

Image result for conspiracy gif

Also, check out this flawless syntax:

By using an ELA test (Error Level Analysis) you can see if items have been layered on a photo.  Guess what we find in the images the media tells us are of Ford?  Which I will remind you of a statement I have made several times on numerous radio shows I was the guest of, “If an event is real, there is no need to fake anything.”

Could a nut use such perfect sentence structure? 

David Tennant Witchcraft GIF

Okay, I don't understand how that shows the sunglasses are "photoshopped on," but the real question is the caption under the first photo. Are they saying this is supposed to be Christine Blasey-Ford attampting to flee the US? Because that is clearly McCovey Cove behind the right field wall at AT&T Park, where fans gather hoping to catch a home run ball.
But you know what, thinking that she is trying to flee the US on a surfboard really isn't any dumber than the rest of this.