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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Courage International is fucking weird!

When last we spoke, or when last I typed and you were bored enough to read, we were discussing horrible Paul Scalia and his membership in some weird organization called Courage International.

 
 (Artists' Rendition)
 
 
Well, if anyone's free the last week of July, they're having a conference!
 
 COURAGE/ENCOURAGE CONFERENCE 2013
 A Spiritual Conference
 for Members and Friends of Courage and EnCourage
 
 
And you can tell that this conference is all about doing God's work here making the world a better place because it costs $375 per person to attend! (All profits go to the victims of the conference's organizers. Not really, screw those losers!)
 
Here's important fact number one to know about this conference:
 
This year's conference is dedicated to Benedict, Bishop Emeritus of Rome.            

Because who personifies "Courage" more than Benedict, a man who, when faced with the awful realization that priests under his command were committing atrocities against children, leapt bravely into the fray to help them cover up their crimes and place them in position to commit more!

And check out this morning schedule:

6:45 am – BENEDICTION
7:00 am – Spanish Mass (Homily in English)


Yes, a Spanish Mass presented in English, because that's what God speaks! Sure, there might be singing and whatnot in Spanish, because pandering to Hispanics is the new black for republicans. Well, not black, but whatever the Republican go-to fashion color would be in that analogy, but when it comes to actual theological teaching, either you learn to speak English or prepare to be deported to Hell, amigo!

But before you attend, be sure to recite the recommended prayer:

Lord Jesus, I consecrate my sexuality to you; 


 
No, thank you. . . really, I'm uh, I'm good!
 
 
 

. . . cleanse my mind, my memory, my imagination and
my dreams of all erotic content.


 

 
 
Yeah, that can't be done!
If Saint fuckin' Augustine couldn't pull that off, what chance do you think you have?
 
 
Grant me the gift of chastity, to bring my sexual
drive into subjection of your Holy Spirit dwelling within me
 
 
 
Buh-huh-huh-huh-huh!!!
 
 
Guard my weakness by your Holy Cross through
the intercession of your Mother Mary, my
guardian angel, Saint Charles Lwanga, and the
communion of saints. AMEN
 
Yeah, I didn't know who Charles Lwanga was either, so I looked him up. According to Wikipedia:
 
Saint Charles Lwanga (also known as Karoli Lwanga) (1860[1][2] or 1865–June 3, 1886) was a Ugandan Catholic catechist martyred for his faith and revered as a saint in the Catholic Church
 
Twelve Catholic boys and men and nine Anglicans were then burnt alive. The ire of the king was particularly inflamed against the Christians was because they refused to accede to demands to participate in sexual acts with him.[4] Charles Lwanga, in particular, had protected the pages from King Mwanga's sexual advances.[5]
 
Kind of ironic that protecting young boys from sex with a male authority figure used to be something the Catholic Church apparently saw as a positive.
 
 
Interstingly, Charles Lwanga and the other Catholics who accompanied him in death were canonized in 1964 by Pope Paul VI.[7] Although the Anglicans could not be canonized, they were named "with the others, also deserving mention" for enduring "death for the name of Christ".[8]
 
 Because apparently Pope Paul VI was a really petty little prick. The Anglicans do the exact same thing, but because they aren't officially Catholics, they're only eligible for honorable mention?
 
 
Congratulations, but you're still not welcome in Heaven!
 
 
So, if you're thinking of attending, be sure to get there by Thursday, so you won't miss the opening night keynote address:
 
7:30 pmOPENING KEYNOTE ADDRESS - Dr. J. Budziszewski, “Why Is There Sex?
 
Wow!