Previous editions here, here, and here.
To begin with, here's one I hadn't ever heard before this year.
The Happiest Christmas Tree
I'm the happiest Christmas tree
Hoo hoo hoo, hee hee hee
Someone came and they found me
And took me home with them
Really? You're happy about this? There you were, out in the forest, minding your own business when someone chopped you off at the ankles, tied you to the roof of their car like you were the Romneys' dog, and hung decorations on you so they could sit around you and sing carols while they watch you die. because, make no mistake about it, you are going to die in that house. No matter how much water they put into that dish that holds the stub where your roots used to be, you are going to slowly starve in front of this family and they will toss you out on the curb like yesterday's trash.
Being the happiest Christmas tree is like being the happiest Thanksgiving turkey. Nothing good is going to happen to you.
Our second entry is a song I have heard before, but never really paid attention to the lyrics.
I t starts out sounding kind of cloyingly cute:
I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas
(S. Tepper, R. Bennett, 1955)
Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.
Okay, so far so good. At this point I'm thinking "what did you do to make mommy and daddy so mad? Get caught with your hand in the cookie jar? Stay up past your bedtime?" You'd think so, but holy fuck!
I broke my bat on Johnny's head;
Somebody snitched on me.
What the fuck? You broke your bat over someone's head? Are you in the mafia?
That's not cute. That's not funny. That's not being a mischievous child. That's being a psychopath. That's more Sammy the Bull than Dennis the Menace.
I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug;
I made Tommy eat a bug;
Jeezus, this kid's the neighborhood bully. He's going to grow up to be a serial killer. This is a terrible song for Christmas. This should be a Halloween song.
I put a tack on teacher's chair
Somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Susie's hair
Somebody snitched on me.
I did a dance on Mommy's plants
Climbed a tree and tore my pants
Filled the sugar bowl with ants
Somebody snitched on me.
Good! Someone should have snitched on you. They should've done more than that. They should've called the police on you. Johnny's probably dead now, you know. And you're worried that you're going to miss out on Christmas presents because someone snitched on you? What a little thug!
Our third selection is one that i hear every year and it drives me up the wall every year.
"The Holiday Season (Happy Holiday)"
Kay Thompson
It's the holiday season
And Santa Claus is coming back
The Christmas snow is white on the ground
When old Santa gets into town
He'll be coming down the chimney, down
Coming down the chimney, down
Why? Why the extra "down?" It makes no sense. "He'll be coming down the chimney" is sufficient. It's a complete sentence, it expresses the intended action, it doesn't need another superfluous word tacked on to the end for no reason. Adding the extra "down" on the end just ruins the sentence. It makes sense without it. With the extra word, it's nonsense.
And that might be forgivable (no, it wouldn't) if the rest of the lyrics weren't trying so hard to sound like a 1950's North Beach hepcat with lines like:
It's the holiday season
With the whoop-de-do and hickory dock
And don't forget to hang up your sock
Geez, I can't believe the word "daddy-o" didn't force its way in.
Anyway, don't let the bad songs ruin your holidays. Here's a good one:
