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Thursday, December 10, 2015

Bad Christmas Songs - Volume IV

Time for the Daily Irritant's fourth quasi-annual salute to Christmas songs with bad lyrics.

Previous editions here, here, and here.

To begin with, here's one I hadn't ever heard before this year.

The Happiest Christmas Tree

I'm the happiest Christmas tree
Hoo hoo hoo, hee hee hee
Someone came and they found me
And took me home with them

Really? You're happy about this? There you were, out in the forest, minding your own business when someone chopped you off at the ankles, tied you to the roof of their car like you were the Romneys' dog, and hung decorations on you so they could sit around you and sing carols while they watch you die. because, make no mistake about it, you are going to die in that house. No matter how much water they put into that dish that holds the stub where your roots used to be, you are going to slowly starve in front of this family and they will toss you out on the curb like yesterday's trash.

Being the happiest Christmas tree is like being the happiest Thanksgiving turkey. Nothing good is going to happen to you.

Our second entry is a song I have heard before, but never really paid attention to the lyrics.
I t starts out sounding kind of cloyingly cute:

I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas
(S. Tepper, R. Bennett, 1955)

Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

Okay, so far so good. At this point I'm thinking "what did you do to make mommy and daddy so mad? Get caught with your hand in the cookie jar? Stay up past your bedtime?" You'd think so, but holy fuck!

I broke my bat on Johnny's head;
Somebody snitched on me.

 What the fuck? You broke your bat over someone's head? Are you in the mafia?

 That's not cute. That's not funny. That's not being a mischievous child. That's being a psychopath. That's more Sammy the Bull than Dennis the Menace.

I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug;
I made Tommy eat a bug;

 Jeezus, this kid's the neighborhood bully. He's going to grow up to be a serial killer. This is a terrible song for Christmas. This should be a Halloween song.

 I put a tack on teacher's chair
Somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Susie's hair
Somebody snitched on me.
I did a dance on Mommy's plants
Climbed a tree and tore my pants
Filled the sugar bowl with ants
Somebody snitched on me.

Good! Someone should have snitched on you. They should've done more than that. They should've called the police on you.  Johnny's probably dead now, you know. And you're worried that you're going to miss out on Christmas presents because someone snitched on you? What a little thug!

Our third selection is one that i hear every year and it drives me up the wall every year.

"The Holiday Season (Happy Holiday)"
Kay Thompson

It's the holiday season
And Santa Claus is coming back
The Christmas snow is white on the ground
When old Santa gets into town
He'll be coming down the chimney, down
Coming down the chimney, down

Why? Why the extra "down?" It makes no sense. "He'll be coming down the chimney" is sufficient. It's a complete sentence, it expresses the intended action, it doesn't need another superfluous word tacked on to the end for no reason. Adding the extra "down" on the end just ruins the sentence. It makes sense without it. With the extra word, it's nonsense.

And that might be forgivable (no, it wouldn't) if the rest of the lyrics weren't trying so hard to sound like a 1950's  North Beach hepcat with lines like:

It's the holiday season
With the whoop-de-do and hickory dock
And don't forget to hang up your sock

Geez, I can't believe the word "daddy-o" didn't force its way in.

Anyway, don't let the bad songs ruin your holidays. Here's a good one:


anne marie in philly said...

they ALL suck. the only holiday music I can stomach is "charlie brown xmess".

jadedj said...

Yup, anne marie said it for me. I could live the rest of my life without hearing one more insipid Xmas song. But, then we wouldn't get your yearly holiday musical critique...which, BTW, always makes me hoot.

Bob Slatten said...

My holiday song begins and ends with Jennifer Hudson singing O Holy Night.
Everything else is rubbish.
And by that I mean, whoop-de-do and hickory dock.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Some Christmas songs just try TOO hard, y'know?

Lowell said...

I've written an Xmas song and it's pretty good. I agree that these are terrible. Most of them, outside of the old classics, stink to high heaven, or maybe to the North Pole. In fact, I'm a little worried that if Santa hears any more of this crap he may stay home on Xmas eve. What will we do then? Go to church? Nah, what's that got to do with Xmas? Furthermore Xmas wasn't celebrated in the church until the 4th century and then they just adapted a bunch of stuff from another pagan religion.

Tal Hartsfeld said...

Make sure it's I'M GETTIN' NUTTIN'" and not "NUTTED".
This is novelty Christmas jingle, not a "tribute to Jerry Sandusky".

Tal Hartsfeld said...

CHRISTMAS DRAGONET by Stan Freeburg is pretty cool.
A little campy at the end, but still with the usual Freeburg-style flippant humor.

The Blog Fodder said...

Nana Mouskouri sing ing Ave Maria is Christmas to me. So many of the modern Christmas songs are, as you point out, rather insipid. Christmas is about tradition and it takes a remarkably good song to add to that tradition.