The worst fake accents in history

1. Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins



2. Dennis Quaid in The Big Easy



3. Whoever does the voiceovers on those damn Outback Steakhouse ads. For fucks sake, how hard is it to find an Australian person? I'm pretty sure Paul; Hogan is free these days.

Rand Paul is a whiny little crybaby

Ever since Rachel Maddow and a few others pointed out that Rand Paul just cuts-and-pastes large chunks of other people's works into his speeches and columns, Rand Paul has totally manned up and faced his critics and . . . oh, of course he didn't! He's turned into a whiny little crybabay!

First, there was this:

On “This Week” Sunday, Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., dismissed charges of plagiarism in his speeches and writing made in the last week, saying he was being “unfairly targeted by a bunch of hacks and haters” who he wishes he could challenge to a “duel.”
 

Yes, the real hacks ared those who point out your hackery!

Then this:

"I'm being criticized for not having proper attribution, and yet they are able to write stuff that if I were their journalism teacher in college, I would fail them," Paul told Costa.

Because writing poorly and stealing someone else's work are exactly the same thing.

But my favorite Rand Paul whiny baby moment is this quote:

"I feel like if I could just go to detention after school for a couple days, then everything would be OK. But do I have to be in detention for the rest of my career?"

 

 

Okay, first of all, what the fuck are you talking about? Detention? You mean being criticized? Yeah, you're going to be criticized for the rest of your career. That's part of  a career in politics. Ans also, you're whining about being "in detention" for the rest of your career? - Because it's been like a week. Get used to it, you fucking baby. If you're going to be a public figure, you're going to be criticized, especially when you make it soooo easy!

 

 

"What we are going to do from here forward, if it will make people leave me the hell alone, is we're going to do them like college papers," he said. "We're going to try to put out footnotes."

 

Or, and I'm just spitballing here, you could maybe try doing your own writing. Then you wouldn't have to worry about attribution. Also, you can't really run for Senate and win and make overtures about wanting to be President and then expect people to leave you the hell alone. You want to be left the hell alone? Go back into private life, we'll all be glad to never speak your name or think of you ever again.



"To tell you the truth, people can think what they want, I can go back to being a doctor anytime, if they're tired of me."

We are.
We were all sick to death of you a year ago.

 

Headlines that shows that maybe things are changing.

Just a week after brilliant musician Laurie Anderson was referred to in news articles as "Lou Reed's wife,"

Kerry Washington's Husband Nnamdi Asomugha Waived By San Francisco 49ers

That seems like a bit of progress.




Meanwhile, at Pope & Associates:

 

 

Okay, people, we have a new client!

Holy shit, Richard Cohen is a moron!

Richard Cohen Opinion Writer

 What art says about the past

I sometimes think I have spent years unlearning what I learned earlier in my life. For instance, it was not George A. Custer who was attacked at the Little Bighorn. It was Custer — in a bad career move — who attacked the Indians.

Wait, really? You really didn't know that? Did you get all your Amercan history knowledge from 1950's Westerns? And are you telling me that maybe those movies fdidn't portray Native Americans fairly?

Much more important, slavery was not a benign institution in which mostly benevolent whites owned innocent and grateful blacks. Slavery was a lifetime’s condemnation to an often violent hell in which people were deprived of life, liberty and, too often, their own children.

Holy. . . well, you know. How is this possible? How is it that a man intelligent enough to read and write could ever have thought that slavery was a "benign institution?' I mean, it's called "slavery!" There's no real secret to what it is. It's not like they called it "fluffy bunnies" and then in your research you discovered that "holy shit, fluffy bunnies means ensving people!" How could a sentient human being see the word "slavery" and think "well, that sounds pretty benign?"

So what was it that finally convinced you that slavery is, in fact, a terrible thing?

Steve McQueen’s stunning movie “12 Years a Slave” is one of those unlearning experiences. I had to wonder why I could not recall another time when I was so shockingly confronted by the sheer barbarity of American slavery.




 A movie?
You really had to see a movie?
You had to see a movie IN TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN to fnd out that slavery was bad?
Seriously?
So up until YESTERDAY, you thought that "mostly benevolent whites owned innocent and grateful blacks?" For SEVENTY TWO YEARS you were under the impression that slavery was a harmless arrangement between benevolent slaveholders and grateful slaves? You were sixty-one years old when it suddenly occurred to you that, "hey, based on what I've seen here in the cineplex, maybe black people weren't all that grateful to be enslaved!" I sthat seriously what you're telling us?

Also, had you never seen ROOTS?

beginning with school, I got a gauzy version. I learned that slavery was wrong, yes, that it was evil, no doubt, but really, that many blacks were sort of content. Slave owners were mostly nice people — fellow Americans, after all — and the sadistic Simon Legree was the concoction of that demented propagandist, Harriet Beecher Stowe.

Really? Because according to your Wikipedia bio,  you attended Far Rockaway High School in New York City, not Jefferson Davis Memorial High in Cousinfuck Holler, Arkansas. Were New York City teachers really referring to Harriet Beecher Stowe as a "twisted propogandist?"

 

Faculty photo day, Far Rockaway High School, 1957

And of course, slavery was not only incomprehensibly cruel — it had to have had consequences. You can see those consequences in this marvelous, harrowing and concussively powerful movie.

Or you could just be a conscious human adult and have the common sense to know that slavery had consequences. It's like you don't have to watch The Poseidon Adventure to know that ships sinking have consequences.

Anyway, his column goes on and on in this vein (did you know that Gone With The Wind was not a realistic portrayal of black-white relations in the antebellum South? oops-spoiler alert!) and somehow does not conclude with Richard Cohen resigning his position at the Washington Post.

Goddammit, Janelle Monae, Really?

What the hell are you doing posing with this fraud?


Why loan your "cred" to this misogynist hack?


You do know you're well-respected, right?Why blow that by associating yourself with this talentless novelty act?

What the hell are you thinking?

Read this:
Robin Thicke really is that gross