Asshole of the Year

My second nominee for the coveted Asshole of the Year award is. . . . . . . . . . .

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas!Dang! I'm bored. When do we get to the sexy part?

Back in 2003, a 13-year-old Arizona girl was called in to the principal's office. Someone had whispered a rumor that this girl had brought prescription-strength Ibuprofen to school. (Note: ibuprofen is also known as Motrin or Advil. Prescription-strength Ibuprofen is exactly the same, just more milligrams). When no pills were found in her backpack, school officials made her remove her clothes and show them that nothing was concealed in her brassiere or underpants.

Well, on June 24 of this year, the Supreme Court ruled that this constituted an illegal search. The ruling was 8 to 1. The lone dissenting vote came from our nominee, Clarence Thomas. Even Alito found strip-searching a 13-year-old girl looking for Advil was outrageous, but not ol' Clarence!

"It was eminently reasonable to conclude the backpack was empty because Redding was secreting the pills in a place she thought no one would look," he said.

See, that's what happens when you begin with a conclusion. If you have already decided that the girl must have these pills on her, then when they can't be found in a normal place, like her backpack, you force yourself to assume that they must be hidden elsewhere. If you instead begin with the question "does she have pills on her?" you can search her backpack, have her empty her pockets, and when nothing is found, then you come to a conclusion--which in this case would be, "I guess not." Or you could also not treat students like inmates who have to be searched for contraband at the drop of a hat, but I digress.

Thomas warned that the majority's decision could backfire. "Redding would not have been the first person to conceal pills in her undergarments," he said. "Nor will she be the last after today's decision, which announces the safest place to secrete contraband in school."

Thomas continued, "yesssssss, the best place to hide your special valuables, mmmmmm.... a teenager's panties, mmmmmmmmm........ don't forget to check the bra! Yeahhhhhhhhh........."
Or something along those lines.

Although, in his defense, Judge Thomas may have still been giddy from being the lone dissenting vote in the court's 8-1 decision upholding the Voting Rights Act last week.

So congratulations Clarence Thomas, you've been nominated for Asshole of theYear!

Micheal Jackson -- Who Cares?

Ye, Micheal Jackson was a terrific singer and a hell of a showman, but what the hell good has he been for the last, oh, decade or so? What was the last decent song he put out? "Black or White"? Honestly, the guy peaked in what, like 1975? Yeah "Thriller" had like 500 hit singles, but admit it, they all sucked.
Look at some of these lyrics:

"Showin' How Funky Strong Is Your Fight" What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?

"They'll Kick You, Then They Beat You, Then They'll Tell You It's Fair" So these gang-bangers are going to take the time, after beating and kicking you to explain that, although it may seem unfair, by their code of ethics, this ass-kicking was actually fair?

"'Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night.There Ain't No Second Chance Against The Thing With Forty Eyes." Wow!

"Someone's Always Tryin' To Start My Baby Cryin', Talkin', Squealin', Lyin'" This must be the most hated woman on the planet! People are constantly trying to make her cry!

Anyway, the poor guy's been a slow-motion train wreck for the past 20 years at least, he's going to be remembered more for being tabloid fodder than for any of his musical accomplishments.

But that's not even the point. The point is, why are we all supposed to be so broken up about the death of a man that we've never met? Why is it assumed that we all are supposed to feel some sort of intense personal connection to a total stranger just because we've seen him on TV and listened to his records? What does this say about us as a society when all our 24-hour news channels can just put the wars, the economy, and everything else on hold because a singer died?

The only upside is that jackson died just in time to save us from the Let's-pretend-to-
care-about-Farrah-Fawcett-festival that would otherwise have been in store for us.

For you younger folks out there, farrah Fawcett was an alleged actress and alleged beauty who starred for four years in a ridiculous Aaron Spelling detective show, then several lousy made-for-Tv movies. But she is most well-known for having had nipples:


Apparently, we all mourn her passing.

The Republican Implosion, a Brief History.

First, they hitched their wagon to this star:
Then they decided that this guy: was going to be their 2012 standard bearer. Unfortunately, both of them spoke in public, and that was the end of that!

Then they put this guy: in charge of the whole party.

But he got bitch-slapped by this guy: And so did this guy:
And somewhere in all the confusion, this guy: started getting taken seriously.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then this guy: tried to blow an undercover cop.

This guy: got caught having sex with a lady who is NOT the lady in this picture.

And this guy: just disappeared.

He later showed up and admitted to having been with this gal: (artists rendition)

instead of this one: Meanwhile, this gal: was in a batshit-crazy contest with this guy: and winning!

This guy: was talking secession with this guy: and these guys:
became the defacto spokesmen for the whole party.

You know what, republicans? Just stop it! Just cut it out! There has to be a minimum of two functioning political parties in this country.
See, here's the problem - liberals tend to over-think things, conservatives tend to under-think. Conservatives see everything in stark black & white, liberals see endless shades of grey. We need to have some of both so that it averages out to a normal person.
So knock it off! Quit fucking around and get back in the game!






NO! Not you!

The Republican Women of Anne Arundel County

How am I supposed to come up with something funny to say about this?

The Republican Women of Anne Arundel County, one of Maryland’s most prominent Republican organizations, has launched an outrageous attack on President Barack Obama. The website currently features a letter from Joyce E. Thoman, the organization’s President, comparing Barack Obama to Hitler. An excerpt:

Dear Friends:

Obama and Hitler have a great deal in common in my view. Obama and Hitler use the “blitzkrieg” method to overwhelm their enemies. FAST, CARPET BOMBING intent on destruction. Hitler’s blitzkrieg bombing destroyed many European cities – quickly and effectively. Obama is systematically destroying the American economy and with it AMERICA. First the banking/investment industry, next private enterprise (GM and Chrysler) and now HEALTH CARE. And he is working on grabbing more of the American economy with his environmental extremism!

How do you respond to something like that? It's just so fucking insane! How do you compare environmental "extremism" (of which no one could accuse President Obama) with the fucking blitz? I can't even tell whether these people actually believe their own bullshit, or has it just been a process of "let's throw every imaginable scary label at him and see if one sticks."

So, from the moment Barack Obama took office, it's been: "he's Stalin, he's Hitler, he's Osama bin Laden, he's Neville Chamberlain, he's a socialist, he's a fascist, he's a secret Muslim, he's a zombie, he's Dracula, he's a Yeti, he's Jason Voorhies, he's the Zodiac Killer, he's a Sith Lord, he's Anton LaVey, he's the fourth Jonas Brother, he's a gay Tellytubby, he's the anti-Christ, He's an anarchist, don't know what he wants but he knows how to get it. He wants to destroy, possibly!

(for those of you under 40, that's a Sex Pistols reference)

FIX IT!

Micheal Steele just gets more and more ridiculous. Here's his solution to the health care crisis:

So if it’s a cost problem, it’s easy: Get the people in a room who have the most and the most direct impact on cost, and do the deal. Do the deal. It’s not that complicated.

If it’s an access question, people don’t have access to health care, then figure out who they are, and give them access! Hello?! Am I missing something here? If my friend Trevor has access to health care, and I don’t, why do I need to overhaul the entire system so I can get access he already has? Why don’t you just focus on me and get me access?

Did anyone else think of this:

When they heard that?