Man to Set Record for Being World's Biggest Douche

Man attempts to set world record fist-pumping 17 hours straight

A 34-year-old unemployed [You don't say! -ed] man from Ohio attempted to set a Guinness World Record over the weekend by fist pumping for 17 hours straight.

  James Peterson began the attempt on Friday morning, according to the Akron Beacon Journal, and was scheduled to end at 3 a.m. local time Saturday. Peterson, a self-described fist-pumping "veteran," was accompanied by a pair of videographers on his quest for the record--which included stops at bars in and around the Univ. of Akron.

A fist-pumping veteran? Is that really a thing?

 

Oh, God, he looks like Joe the Plumber! 

Are all the douchebags in Ohio related or something?

If successful, it would be the first individual fist-pumping record listed by Guinness, though not the only one involving fist pumping.

On News Year's Eve 2010, the record most people fist pumping was set in Times Square, where 5,726 revelers were led by the cast of MTV's "Jersey Shore," the reality show that popularized fist pumping.

 Well, that's it. I'm going to go ahead and call it. 12/31/10, society officially pronounced dead.

We Need to Stop Having These Arguments

GOP Rep. Lankford Explains Why It Should Be Legal To Fire Someone For Being Gay: ‘It’s A Choice Issue’

LANKFORD: Well, you’re now dealing with behavior and I’m trying to figure out exactly what you’re trying to mean by that. Because you’re dealing with — race and sexual preferences are two different things. One is a behavior-related and preference-related and one is something inherently — skin color, something obvious, that kind of stuff. You don’t walk up to someone on the street and look at them and say, “Gay or straight?”

Well, no. Not now. But when I was single, of course I did.

Okay, but seriously folks. . .

We need to stop having this "is it a choice to be gay" argument. First of all, the people making this claim can't possibly actually believe it. They couldn't function as human beings if they were that stunningly stupid. Because I don't know about you, but in my life there was never a time when I was offered a choice. And if anyone actually does believe anything this asinine, there's no point in trying to reason with him.





But the most important reason to stop having this argument is what if it was a choice? What if someone actually did get to choose and they made a conscious decision to avoid cooties by sticking with their own gender? It would still be no one else's business. It's none of anyone's business what you do with your naughty bits as long as you're not putting them in someone who doesn't want them. Even if sexuality was a choice, what consenting adults do with their bodies is nobody else's business.

In the same vein, the other argument we should stop having is whether or not gay marriage represents some sort of threat to "traditional" marriage. Not just because it obviously doesn't, and anyone who says it does is either lying or a complete imbecile, but because what if it did? What if two dudes getting married did somehow cause some sort of damage to boy-girl marriage? Why would you assume that the hetero marriage is more valuable, more important than the gay marriage?

If someone had said to me before my wedding "hey, you can't marry her. American-Canadian marriage is a threat to traditional American-American marriage," I would have said "tough shit. My marriage is every bit as important as yours." That's how I feel about gay marriage. Obviously it has no effect on hetero marriage, but if it somehow did, tough shit. My friends Mark and David's marriage isn't any less valuable than my friends Jeff and Mary's.



 

Dick of the Day

Facebook Co-Founder Eduardo Saverin.

Eduardo Saverin, one of the founders of Facebook, officially defriended the United States in September, giving up his American citizenship for the more tax-friendly residency status of Singapore.

Mr. Saverin, who was born in Brazil and has lived in Singapore since 2010, plans to remain in the Asian island nation indefinitely. Singapore has a maximum personal income tax rate of 20 percent and no taxes on capital gains. He gained American citizenship in 1998.

Well, Mr. Saverin, it's a good thing that you didn't need the US to be successful. It's a good thing that you didn't need the United States' intellectual property laws, or the US court system that enforces them. Good thing that you didn't need the United States military to develop the internet. Good thing you don't need the public airwaves of the US to make wireless internet access feasible. Yeah, there's certainly no reason why you should have to pay anything back in taxes. Clearly you made it all on your own.Why don't you go live in fucking Galt's Gulch with all the other dickwads who don't owe anything to society.



Yeah, I'm going with "dick."

Eduardo Saverin, you are the dick of the day.

A One-Minute Movie Review

Today we rented the Hangover Part II from Redbox.

I have had actual hangovers funnier than this movie.
And less painful.
Honestly, 90 minutes of me saying "do we have any Alka-Seltzer?" and "Uuuuuuugh. . ." might make a better movie than the Hangover Part II.

The first "Hangover " wasn't bad.

When did society go this far off the rails?

Girl Scouts under scrutiny from Catholic Bishops
David Crary, AP National Writer

Long a lightning rod for conservative criticism, the Girl Scouts of the USA are now facing their highest-level challenge yet: An official inquiry by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

Really? Is that true? Have the freakin' girl scouts, the adorable little darlings who bring us cookies, been attacked by right-wing loonies before this year? I guess I shouldn't be surprised  by anything anymore, especially anything that involves right-wing religious nuts being afraid of anything female.

At issue are concerns about program materials that some Catholics find offensive, as well as assertions that the Scouts associate with other groups espousing stances that conflict with church teaching.

Some of the concerns raised by Catholic critics are recycled complaints that have been denied by the Girl Scouts’ head office repeatedly and categorically. It says it has no partnership with Planned Parenthood, and does not take positions on sexuality, birth control and abortion.

But they could, the point is that they could partner up with Planned Parenthood and teach little girls about abortion, so I think it's important that we go ahead and fly into a blind, stupid rage right now just in case.

Sure, right now they look like this:



But what's to stop them from becoming this:

 

or even this?



Hmmm?



Although that's not as scary as the idea of a girl playing baseball, apparently.



Team forfeits due to female opponent
Updated: May 11, 2012, 6:05 PM ET

PHOENIX -- Instead of playing in a championship baseball game, Paige Sultzbach and her team won't even make it to the dugout.

A Phoenix school that was scheduled to play the 15-year-old Mesa girl and her male teammates forfeited the game rather than face a female player.

You know, that might make sense if it was football or wrestling or something, but baseball? Why would you refuse to play against a girl in baseball?

Paige, who plays second base at Mesa Prep, had to sit out two previous games against Our Lady of Sorrows out of respect for its beliefs.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that those are not beliefs worthy of respect. Why should the girl have to sit out because of the other team's idiocy?

Officials at Our Lady of Sorrows declined comment. In a written statement Thursday, the school said the decision to forfeit was consistent with a policy prohibiting co-ed sports.

The statement also said the school teaches boys respect by not placing girls in athletic competition, where "proper boundaries can only be respected with difficulty."

Also, we don't really understand what the word "respect" means.

So basically, proper boundaries means what, exactly? Boys and girls shouldn't be within 60' 6" of each other?

 

Actually, that is pretty scary!

Of course, girls playing baseball may be controversial to some, but surely not as controversial as the new Canadian $20 bill!

New Canadian $20 Bill Too Provocative for Some
By Lisa Scherzer | The Exchange – Wed, May 9, 2012 3:26 PM EDT

The bill features Queen Elizabeth II, who is celebrating her Diamond Jubilee this year, on the front of the note. The back pays tribute to the sacrifices of Canadian men and women in military conflicts with an image of the Canadian National Vimy Memorial.

However, some people have called elements of the bill "pornographic," while others have noted a resemblance to the Twin Towers that used to stand in lower Manhattan.

How can it be pornographic and also bear a resemblance to two buildings?

This is the bill in question:



So, yeah, the two monuments on the right bear a slight resemblance to the WTC, as do any 2 rectangular objects.

Not cool, man. Too soon.

But where's the pornographic part? Goddammit, I did not go all the way to Canada to come back with freakin' PG-13 money!

The part of the memorial apparently causing some Canadians to blush is a depiction of some of the most senior figures, a group of women — sans clothes — known as the chorus. One person said the naked woman is going to "offend someone." Here's a close-up of the provocative image, depicting the Vimy figures:

That's what passes for porn North of the border?


 This monument, by the way was unveiled in 1936! 1936 and nary a peep. But now it's 2012 and OH MY GOD, TITS!!! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!!

How in the hell are we more bothered by tits now than in 1936? We are less sophisticated than we were in 1936! Think about that! No, don't, it'll make your head hurt.

But the biggest problem may be that the Vimy’s double-columned design, draped with semi-clad classical figures, manages to evoke both the ill-fated Twin Towers of New York City and softcore porn. “When you quickly glance at it, and if I didn’t know any better, it looks like the Twin Towers,” one focus group participant said, according to documents from Toronto market research firm The Strategic Council obtained by Canadian broadcaster CTV News. Critics called special attention to the figures draped revealingly across the top of the monument, meant to represent Justice and Peace. “It’s too pornographic,” a cash handler in Toronto told researchers. “What is the woman on the top holding?”
Read more: http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/05/11/dirty-money-is-canadas-new-20-bill-pornographic/#ixzz1uciBbFpd

And that's in Toronto. Toronto is a major metroploitan um, metropolis. This isn't the Canadian version of  Sisterwife, Utah or something.


We're not only less sophisticated about the female body than we were in 1936, we're more prudish than they were in 100 BC!

 

Oh, sick! Some kind of weird amputee porn!

For fuck's sake, when did society become so terrified of anything female?