NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. . . to be defended in this day and age.

Okay, it all started when the President made a seemingly pretty darn innocuous statement about people using their religion to justify despicable behavior. First he talked about Al Qeda and ISIS/ISIL. Then he said this:

And lest we get on our high horse and think this is unique to some other place, remember that during the Crusades and the Inquisition, people committed terrible deeds in the name of Christ. In our home country, slavery and Jim Crow all too often was justified in the name of Christ…

Which is pretty generous considering he could have used much more recent examples of faith-based murder, like the killing of Dr. Tiller, or the bombing spree of Eric Rudolph, or the Phineas Priesthood, etc. Of course, this led to a ton of faux-outrage on the right, with high dudgeon for everyone, and all the umbrage you can take!
That was, of course, to be expected. But I know I, for one, never expected anyone to defend the Spanish Inquisition or the Crusades. Not in 2015!

Boy was I in for a surprise!

You see, I hadn't counted on . . . (Dramatic music). . . Jonah Goldberg!!!

Yes, the man whose sole qualification is being the doughy amorphous offspring of the contemptible Lucianne Goldberg, I hadn't reckoned with him!

It seems you have underestimated me again, Professor! Bwuhahahahahaha!!!

He begins his little column sanely enough, talking about ISIS's disgusting videos and President Obama's comments on the subject. He even goes so far as to admit:

Obama’s right. Terrible things have been done in the name of Christianity. I have yet to meet a Christian who denies this.

The first two words of that paragraph are probably enough to get him fired from National Review Online.
But then he redeems himself, and by "redeems himself" I of course mean "goes completely off the rails and drives the train into bullshit canyon."

But, as odd as it may sound for a guy named Goldberg to point it out, the Inquisition and the Crusades aren’t the indictments Obama thinks they are. For starters, the Crusades — despite their terrible organized cruelties — were a defensive war.

Wow. Why do guys like Goldberg think they can just make up their own facts? A defensive war? I'm sorry, were you under the impression that the Turks had invaded Vatican City? Because, sure, then it would have been a defensive war. But when you have to travel 1,400 miles in order to engage the enemy, it's pretty hard to claim that you're playing defense!

 “The Crusades could more accurately be described as a limited, belated and, in the last analysis, ineffectual response to the jihad — a failed attempt to recover by a Christian holy war what had been lost to a Muslim holy war,” writes Bernard Lewis, the greatest living English-language historian of Islam.

Sure, and had the Crusades been fought by the residents of the Holy Lands against the Muslim invaders, you might have a point. But seeing as how they were fought by European Christians, not Palestinian Jews or Arabs, I really don't see how you can call this "defensive."

As for the Inquisition, it needs to be clarified that there was no single “Inquisition,” but many. And most were not particularly nefarious. For centuries, whenever the Catholic Church launched an inquiry or investigation, it mounted an “inquisition,” which means pretty much the same thing.

Okay, let's assume that that is true. I don't know whether it is, but I've been out of school for awhile so no one can make me do research anymore, so I'll just assume that the term "Inquisition" was also used to refer to any type of inquiry or investigation. So what? You know perfectly well what people are referring to when they mention the Spanish Inquisition. They mean the one with the torture and the killing. It's like when an American says "football," you know perfectly well he mean the sport with the  touchdowns and the field goals and the life-threatening cranial injuries, not the one with the kicking and the nets and the non-use of hands. And you can say "you know, erm, in the rest of the world, erm, when they say "football" they mean what we call, ahem,  'soccer.'" but that just makes you this guy:


And no one likes this guy.

I cannot defend everything done under the various Inquisitions — especially in Spain — because some of it was indefensible.

Also, I cannot justify everything that Charles Manson has done, but. . .

I cannot defend everything done under the various Inquisitions — especially in Spain — because some of it was indefensible. But there’s a very important point to make here that transcends the scoring of easy, albeit deserved, points against Obama’s approach to Islamic extremism (which he will not call Islamic): Christianity, even in its most terrible days, even under the most corrupt popes, even during the most unjustifiable wars, was indisputably a force for the improvement of man.

Um, really?
I think Galileo might disagree.
It's just possible that doing everything in their power to prevent science from happening might not have really contributed to all that much "betterment."

Also, I'm guessing the women burned as witches might have some comment on that. As would the Aztecs, The Mayans, and other native American groups decimated by Spanish "missionaries" who believed in conversion through enslavement.

Pretty sure this guy would beg to differ:


Look, I know that if Obama is fer it, you're legally required to be agin' it and if Obama is agin' it, you are contractually bound to be fer it, but Jeezus Christ, the Inquisition? The Crusades? A more clever person than I once said that if Obama came out in favor of oxygen, Republicans would all suffocate, and I'm starting to think that may not be that big an exaggeration. If you're going to defend these kinds of atrocities just because Obama said they were bad, I mean. . . I mean. . . what the hell, man?

 

Sure, this looks bad, but on the other hand, Obama condemns it, so. . .?

We are all descended from cavemen who broke the skulls of their enemies with rocks for fun or profit. But that hardly mitigates the crimes of a man who does the same thing today. I see no problem judging the behavior of the Islamic State and its apologists from the vantage point of the West’s high horse, because we’ve earned the right to sit in that saddle.

Okay, see - why not just say that? Why not just say that we in the West are at least no beheading people or burning them alive, so we have a moral superiority compared to ISIS? It's hard to argue that. Although, one might note that most non-Westerners, most Muslims are also not beheading or burning people, so let's not act like our superioroty extends to all non-Westerners, but still. You can certainly make that point without going through the mental gymnsatics required to come up with a defense of the Spanish Inquisition!

Wait, how long have I been gone?

How the hell did this happen?

GOP Rep. Sean Duffy: ‘Oppressive’ to Mandate Vaccines

by Josh Feldman | 5:47 pm, February 3rd, 2015Republican Congressman Sean Duffy said on MSNBC earlier today that only an “oppressive state” would mandate that all children get vaccines, and that shouldn’t happen in America.

Is this not still the 21st Century?

I know these monstrously stupid and narcissistic anti-vaccine imbeciles have been around for a while now, but how has this exploded as an issue now?

Chris Christie expressed concern about vaccine autism link 

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie suggested Monday that officials find a “balance” between requiring vaccinations and allowing parents to turn them down.

Why now? Why, at the exact moment in time that we are beginning to see the horrible consequences of  pompous, solipsistic  morons refusing to vaccinate their children, why is now the time that the right-wing decides to make "choice" a political talking point?

Rand Paul: Children Got 'Profound Mental Disorders' After Receiving Vaccines

Oh, great! They'll probably grow up to be Libertarians!

Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) argued Monday that debate over whether to allow parents more choice in the vaccination of their children was a matter of "freedom," citing personal knowledge of kids "who wound up with profound mental disorders" after receiving immunizations for diseases like Hepatitis B and measles.
"I don't think there's anything extraordinary about resorting to freedom,"

Oh, fer fuck sake!
I know you guys are all about the FREEDOMMMMMMM!!!!!! but we are currently seeing the results of this kind of bullshit thinking, and it's not only those kids whose dickweed parents don't vaccinate who are at risk, it's everybody. And once your FREEDOMMMMMM!!!! begins to cause injury to your fellow citizens, it's no longer just about what you want.

I've heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking, normal children, who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines. I'm not arguing that vaccines are a bad idea, I think they're a good thing. But I think parents should have some input. The state doesn't own your children, parents own their children, and it is an issue of freedom. "

Oh my God, where to begin?
First of all, if you really believe this nonsense about children getting profound mental disorders from vaccines, how do you then turn around and argue that vaccines are a good thing?
Also, parents do NOT own their children. Children are human beings. No one owns them.  And sure, we give parents a ton of leeway in deciding how to raise the children for whom they are responsible, but when we are talking about something like vaccines, something about which there is no legitimate debate, if you as a parent are such an idiotic lunatic that you would deny your children something which prevents deadly diseases then, yes, the State needs to step in and say "yopu do not have the right to make that decision for someone else, especially not for a helpless child who can't possibly grasp the consequences of your fuckheaded decision."

We have laws that say you have to educate your children (even allowing for home-schooling which is a topic for another day). You are legally required to feed, clothe and shelter your children. So why not have vaccines be mandatory?

I can't think of any reason not to require vaccines for all children. I can think of a few reasons why we should.

US Measles Outbreak Growing, CDC Says - ABC News 

Ohio mumps cases at 35-year high, measles outbreak still growing

Whooping cough outbreak sickens 10,000 in California

Another thing I learned in Italy

1. Hoard olive oil!
Apparently, winters need to get down to a certain temperature in order for olive trees to produce olives that are worth harvesting for oil. Last winter did not reach this level, and it looks like this one won't either. (But don't worry, global warming is still fake!)
Anyway, I would expect the price of olive oil to go way up in the near future. So, even if you no longer need to dip your bread into it, you might want to load up on olive oil right now.

Things I Learned in Italy

Thing Number One:
Only Americans dip their bread into olive oil and/or balsamic vinegar. Italians do not do this. Which is crazy, because we're Americans, do you know how hard it was to talk us out of butter and into dipping it in olive oil? We only ever did it because we were told that that was the authentic Italian way to eat bread. And now we find out it's just something we made up?
Italians find this amusing. They're fine with it, once they see you're an American, they automatically bring bottles of olive oil and balsamic vinegar, they just don't get it.

Thing Number Two:
The word "Uscita" means "Exit" in Italian, and not, as I had previously assumed "Little USC."

Thing Number Three:
Romans are not big on signage.
In most cities, as soon as you get off the freeway, there are signs pointing "this way to the zoo," "this way to the museum," whatever. In Rome, not so much. I think there was exactly one sign pointing the way to the Trevi Fountain and you don't see that until you're pretty much right there. Which might not be so bad if not for thing number four.

Thing Number Four:
Nearly everyone in Rome is in on this enormous practical joke involving the Trevi Fountain. When someone asks "Scuzi, Quale modo per Fontana Trevi?" they not only act like they have no idea where it is, but as if they've never ever heard of the goddamm Trevi Fountain, which is only the most famous fountain in the fucking world is all. "Trevi?" "Fontana?" They're completely perplexed. Ask them how to get anywhere else and Romans are super friendly and helpful and nearly all speak really good English and know theie way around, but the Trevi Fountain? They suddenly are just as lost as you are. We spent half the night trying to find that goddamm fountain, which might not have been so bad had it not been for thing number five.

Thing Number Five:
Every now and then the Trevi Fountain has to be completely drained of water and have maintenance performed on it.

So, instead of seeing this:



You see this:





Not quite the same "Roman Holiday" experience.

Thing Number Six:
Bottled water is completely superfluous in Italy.
All over Rome, Florence, Venice and Milan, you see these:

And the water which constantly flows from these is cold and clean and tastes better than any mineral water you might buy. The first one of these we stumbled upon was amongst the wreckage of Julius Caesar's Forum, and the water was still flowing and it was the best water ever, probably due to being filtered through rocks, I don't know. So we just kept refilling our bottles from these free spigots and whenever we took a drink we'd say "thank you, Caesar!" Yet every restaurant sells bottled water that costs more than wine. I don't know how they get away with it!

Thing Number Seven:
Italy gets cold as fuck in the winter.
Especially Milano which is spitting distance from the Alps. No one warned us!

Thing Number Eight:
Everyone in Italy says "Ciao!" not just pretentious douchebags like here in the States. I could never bring myself to say it because I had never heard anyone sayiong it who wasn't a pretentious American douche, but it is actually a perfectly acceptable greeting/farewell in Italy.

Thing Number Nine:
It doesn't take Mussolini to make the trains run on time.
In all four cities we visited, the trains, buses, streetcars and subways run like clockwork. Even the water buses in Venice run right on time. I really envy anyone who gets to live in a city with good public transportation. God knows we don't have that in Atlanta.

Thing Number Ten:
Anyone who says that "America is the greatest country on Earth" has never traveled.

Nothing against the good ol' U.S. of A, we're a terrific place to live. If you're white. And hetero. And cis-gendered. And it helps to be male. But we could sure learn a lot from our European friends. Starting with how to cook a steak.



This is "Bistecca Fiorentina" It is how they do steak in Florence. Each steak is about the size and weight of a manhole cover, charred on the outside, rare in the middle, and I don't know what the hell they do differently, but if you ever get the chance, order one. Best steak you'll ever have in your life!

A Brief Hiatus

The Chaos Compound will be dark for the next two weeks as we are heading out to check on some of our overseas operations.

 

The upkeep has been somewhat lacking.

We leave tomorrow for Rome, then off to Venice, Florence, and Milan. So keep an eye on the international news for stories of evildoers being defeated in Italy. That'll be us.