Happy Birthday, Chuck Berry!

Ninety years ago today, one of the all-time greats in the history of American pop music was born.



Chuck Berry will always be remembered for the "duck walk" and the signature riff, but he never does get enough credit as one of the all-time great songwriters.

That's why EVERYONE covers Chuck Berry:






















“If you had to give rock’n’roll another name, you might call it Chuck Berry” -John Lennon

“Why should I write songs when Chuck Berry wrote them all?” -George Thorogood

Bad Ads -- Chevrolet

Okay, Chevy has been running these "focus group" ads for a while now and first of all, Chevy, you're not fooling anyone. They all begin with the text "real people, not actors." They may not be professional actors, but come on. Those people are acting. No one in a focus group is this enthusiastic. Have you ever been in a focus group? I've been in a couple. Not to brag, but I helped choose the name "Zeltzer Seltzer."

Of the choices we were given, it was the least dumb. 

If it had been up to me, I'd have gone with "Helter Skeltzer."

Anyway, in a real marketing research focus group, people are just there to get their 25 bucks or whatever it pays nowadays and go home. No one is excited. Especially when they know that the company is Chevrolet. So they know the product is going to be a car. And not a very good one. It's not like it's Steve Jobs walking out on stage and people are waiting in breathless anticipation to see what the latest hi tech gadget is going to be. But the super-annoying little weaselly guy says "today, I'm going to show you the 2017 shitmobile" and these not-actors act like kids on Christmas morning, just dying to see what Santa brought them.

Also, if you have any doubt about whether these are "real people," one of these ads has the weaselly guy take everyone's phones and toss them in a woodchipper and they're all like "whuuut???" No one yells or swears or says "what the hell is wrong with you?" or punches the weaselly guy right in his annoying weaselly snout.


(Okay, in the long version, a couple of them do make half-hearted attempts to stop him, but most just chucle and gape at him like he had suddenly broken into La Habenera" or something)



Also, there's one where he tells the people to describe the vehicle using only "emojis," and no one says, you know what, I don't really need the money that bad, let's just forget this while I still have a shred of dignity. I'm going to go home and take a Silkwood shower and then try to drink this memory away." No, they all gleefully choose various stupid little drawings to form some stupid little description of this stupid car or truck or whatever and they all act so proud of themselves and I die a little inside.

 

I believe this translates to "go fuck yourselves, millennials."

But this one takes the cake. They bring these people into a room and say I'm only going to show you half the car. Then the wall slides open for the big reveal. . . . . . It's a Hatchback! And they are DELIGHTED! They're really acting like this is some new innovation in the field of auto design. Like they think people don't know that hatchbacks have been around since at least the Seventies. And no one thought they were cool then, either. Practical, sure. But not cool.

 

I mean, the Pintos were kinda cool when they exploded I guess, 

but that didn't happen nearly often enough.

One of the girls in the group even says, as though it were a compliment, "business in the front, party in the back," a phrase only ever used to describe the word's most embarrassing hairstyle.

Also, what "party" in the back? Has there ever been anyone who has seen a guy driving a hatchback and thought "now that guy knows how to Partayyyy!"

Damn, girl. This party's off tha CHAIN!

Anyway, here it is if you haven't seen it. I'm not responsible for any computers thrown out of windows.

Idiots say idiotic things

Idiot #1: Newt Gingrich

Speaking about Trump's performance in debate #2.

"The key point is when he said he would appoint an independent prosecutor… I think Trump crossed into being a historic figure by saying, you know, we have so much corruption in this administration,” Gingrich told radio host John Gibson
(via:https://www.buzzfeed.com/nathanielmeyersohn/newt-gingrich-trump-crossed-into-being-a-historic-figure-at?utm_term=.ldAGOM4rD#.dplyWv5Ll)

Yeah, threatening to have your opponent arrested is totally something an historic figure would do. An historic figure like Mussolini or Pinochet or Sadam Hussein -- historical figures each one. Also, I thought Newt was an historian. If so, how does he not know that standard grammar amongst historians calls for the article "an," not "a" before the word "historical? It should be "an historical figure," not "a historical figure."

Idiot # 2: Louis Gohmert

“Trump has said some things that are very vile back when he was supporting people like Bill Clinton. But if you’re Bill Clinton’s big buddy like he was at one time, you’re going to talk like Bill Clinton. And I think we need to forgive him for talking like big Democrats like Clinton and other foulmouthed people.”

Okay, first of all, it's not about his language. It's about his having committed sexual assault.
But secondly, I'm not sure this is really the selling point you think it is. You're saying that Trump is so succeptible to peer pressure -- AS A 59-YEAR-OLD MAN! -- that he completely lost his moral bearings by dint of having hung out with Bill Clinton? What's going to happen when he spends a week at Camp David with Putin? "Well, ol' Vladimir poured me a bunch of really primo vodka and long story short, we're gonna help him take back Lithuania!"

Now he’s a Republican. James Dobson tells me he’s become a Christian. And so, look, we forgive him for the past because he’s asked for it.”

You know, just like how Hillary Clinton can never be forgiven for the things her husband may have done 20-odd years ago!

(Also, no. He has famously never asked for forgiveness.)





Idiot # 3: Dr. Ben Carson


On Trump's "Locker Room Talk"

(Via: http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2016/10/11/cnns_brianna_keilar_to_ben_carson_where_are_you_hanging_out_that_you_hear_locker-room_talk_like_trumps.html)

BRIANNA KEILAR, CNN: Why call it "locker room talk"?

DR. BEN CARSON: Call it whatever you need to call it to make it feel good to you. But the fact of the matter is, I've been in lots of place growing up and listening to people tell great tales of sexual conquest. It is an immature thing to do

HE WAS FIFTY-FUCKING-NINE YEARS OLD!!!!

Also, it's not about the words. It's about the crimes.
And walking up to strange women, force-kissing them and grabbing their genitalia is NOT a "sexual conquest." It is sexual assault.

CARSON: Don't mischaracterize, if you mind, what I'm saying. What I am saying is that that kind of banter goes around all the time. Is it the right kind of thing to do? Absolutely not. Is it the kind of thing that I've done? Absolutely not.

Jeezus! I've been in locker rooms. I played sports in high school. I've heard my share of locker-room ribaldry. I never once heard anyone bragging about having committed a sex crime.

KEILAR: So you've heard people talking about this?

CARSON: Of course. Are you kidding me?

KEILAR: Where are you hanging out --with whom are you hanging out that you hear people talking like that?

CARSON: I -- As I was growing up, people were always trying to talk about their sexual conquests, trying to make themselves appear like a cassanova. I'm surprised you haven't heard that, I really am.

Do you have any idea who Cassanova was? Okay, I don't really either, but I'm pretty sure he didn't go around crotch-grabbing strange women. Being a repeat sex offender is nothing at all like being the "world's greatest lover" or "seducer of women" or whatever you think pof when you picture Cassanova.

Really? This guy? This was the guy who slept with so many women? Okay.

KEILAR: I haven't heard it, and I know a lot of people who haven't heard it.

CARSON: Well maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's the problem.

That's the problem? How is that the problem? Do you have any idea what constitutes a problem?

 

Oh, right. Of course you don't. Sorry!

What did I miss?

Okay, I'm back. Did I miss anything?

Holy. . .  Actually, I'm not all that surprised. I mean, at first I was a bit surprised that he had said it out loud, but then I remembered some of the things he's said out loud about his daughter. I mean, it's one thing to be physically attracted to a blood relative, I'm sure it must happen sometimes. But anyone else who felt the forbidden attraction would know enough to bury the shameful secret so that no one would ever know except maybe a therapist or shrink.
But Trump actually doesn't seem to realize that there's anything wrong with his lust for his own daughter. He doesn't seem to grasp that this is something of which he should be ashamed. He talks about his incestuous urges as if he were talking about something totally normal, like "wow, that woman to whom I am not related by blood or marriage sure is attractive! I sure would like to date her!" Except that instead of the un-related woman, it's his own goddamm daughter! So, really, I'm not surprised that he said this out loud where people could hear.

So, Trump said he likes to walk up to strange women, forcibly kiss them and "grab them by the p**sy." And of course, conservative Republicans were extremely upset -- -- -- that he used the P-word.

I am disgusted by Mr Trump's words about women: our daughters, sisters and mothers.

— JohnCornyn (@JohnCornyn) October 8, 2016

 

Yeah. The "words."

The comments DJT made are lewd & insulting. There is no excuse, and no room for such reprehensible and objectifying talk about anyone, ever.

— Joni Ernst (@joniernst) October 8, 2016

 

The "comments." Yes, clearly the problem is the "comments."

The comments made by Mr. Trump were disgusting and totally unacceptable under any circumstance. (1/2)

— Deb Fischer (@DebFischerNE) October 8, 2016

Donald Trump's statements are beyond offensive & despicable. While I cannot vote for Hillary Clinton, I will not vote for Trump. #utpol

— Gary R. Herbert (@HerbertForUtah) October 8, 2016

Trump's foul language is NOT the point. At all. The point is that he's bragging about getting away with sexual assaults. It's like if Charles Manson said "yeah, I killed all those fucking pigs" and Rubio was all like "Mr Manson! There's certainly no call for that kind of vulgarity!"

I'm disgusted by Mr. Trump's comments. I wouldn't want anyone speaking about my wife, my daughters, or any woman that way. It's inexcusable.

— Carlos Curbelo (@carloslcurbelo) October 8, 2016

Again, it's the "comments" that offend.  And, as any good Republican does when speaking about the mistreatment of women, he references a female family member.

As did Jeb!

As the grandfather of two precious girls, I find that no apology can excuse away Donald Trump's reprehensible comments degrading women.

— Jeb Bush (@JebBush) October 7, 2016

And Mitch McConnell

“These comments are repugnant, and unacceptable in any circumstance,” McConnell said. “As the father of three daughters, I strongly believe that Trump needs to apologize directly to women and girls everywhere, and take full responsibility for the utter lack of respect for women shown in his comments on that tape.”

And Mike Pence:

My statement below: pic.twitter.com/92VYEAxIcl

— Mike Pence (@mike_pence) October 8, 2016

We pray for his family. Not gonna bother to pray for his victims!



And Thom Tillis

As a proud husband and father of a daughter, I find Donald Trump’s comments indefensible.

— Thom Tillis (@ThomTillis) October 8, 2016

Um, check your syntax, Thom. Unless you're from West Virginia.




See, the thing is that they only care about any issue when t=it has some sort of effect on them. Your candidate is assaulting women? Ho-hum. But wait, my wife is a woman. So is my daughter. Oh, hell that could be bad if a member of my family were to be assaulted! Now I'm agin' it!

It's like how Rob Portman was foursquare against the idea of gay marriage until his son came out and wanted to marry another man. Then he suddenly saw the light!
This would, of course, be the same Rob Portman whose response to Trump's disgustingness was this:




Yes, he was so offended by Trump, he's going to write in Mike Pence who would, if he had his way, not only nullify his son's marriage, but send him to "conversion therapy."

 Oddly enough, among all the pearl-clutching at Trump's potty mouth, the one group who hasn't deserted him is the Evangelical leaders, which is odd, because they are so sincere about their religious values-pffft! I couldn't even type that with a straight face!





For instance here's completely devout man of God Ralph Reed:

These eleven-year-old comments are offensive and inappropriate. [again with the comments. No problem with the actual grabbing of p**sies apparently] As the father of two daughters, I did not appreciate them. [If I didn't have daughters, why would I possibly give a fuck what Trump does to women?] The Bible teaches that we are to treat older women as mothers and younger women as sisters, in all purity. [It does? I'm a little confused because I'm not sure whether to treat my wife as if she were my mother or as if she were my sister. Pretty sure she's not gonna be crazy about either one.] I am glad that Donald Trump has apologized for them. [He hasn't.] People of faith are voting in 2016 on critical issues like who will protect the unborn, defend religious freedom, appoint conservative judges, grow the economy, stand by Israel, and oppose the Iran nuclear deal, which Hillary Clinton helped to negotiate. [What? Voting on "family values?" where did you ever get that idea? What a silly reason to vote for someone!] Given the stakes on the election and the critical issues confronting our nation, an audiotape of an eleven-year-old private conversation with an entertainment talk show host is unlikely to rank high on the hierarcy [sic] of their concerns. [Because how could it be horrifying if it took place in the very recent past and there was an entertainment guy involved?]

And here's genuine plaster saint Tony Perkins:

“My personal support for Donald Trump has never been based upon shared values, [neither of us have any] it is based upon shared concerns about issues such as: justices on the Supreme Court that ignore the constitution, [i.e. make decisions that I don't like] America’s continued vulnerability to Islamic terrorists and the systematic attack on religious liberty that we’ve seen in the last 7 1/2 years,” [You mean the 7+1/2 years that have seen the rise of "religious freedom" bills, the right of corporations to have "sincerely held religious beliefs" and "your kind can not pee here lwas?"] Perkins said in an email to BuzzFeed News.

But maybe the most spectacularly stupid and offensive defense of Trump came from former SOTU interruptor and current deadbeat dad Joe Walsh:

If women are so outraged by Trump's dirty talk, then who the hell bought the 80 million copies of "Fifty Shades Of Grey?"

Grow up.

— Joe Walsh (@WalshFreedom) October 8, 2016

Wow. Where to even begin with this guy?

Okay, first of all it's not Trump's "dirty talk" that people are upset about. It's not like Trump said "oh, man she's hot. I'd like to grab her p**ssy." or "So two p**ssy-grabbers walk into a bar. . ."  People are upset by the fact that Trump admitted bragged about committing sexual assault and getting away with it.  It's not the naughty words, it's the horrible criminal actions.

Secondly, 50 Shades is, as I understand it, a poorly-written extended letter to Penthouse about a consensual sexual relationship.  What Trump was bragging about was NOT consensual, it was assault.

Third, 50 Shades is a work of fiction that a lot of bored people read for a cheap thrill. It has nothing to do with anything in real life. You might as well say "look at the popularity of the SAW movies. Obviously people wouldn't object to a homicidal sadist being president!"

And "grow up?" You realize you're making the same argument as fucking Chachi, right?

Scott Baio Defends Trump’s Hot Mic Comments: Critics Should ‘Grow Up’ [VIDEO]

And are you really implying that part of being a grown-up is just accepting that powerful men get to assault women they find attractive? Is that really what you want to be saying here?

All in all, this should turn out to be a good thing. Some conservative politicians are exposing themselves as nihilistic power fiends by defending or at least not condemning Trump, which should hurt their future electoral chances (If the Democrats ever get smart enough to hang that albatross around Republican necks). Others are turning against Trump, suddenly shocked, SHOCKED! that their candidate is a loathsome  monster. That should cost them support from the Republican base. Either way, this bodes well for the future.

Out of Town.

Going to Florida for a week. Probably won't be posting anything. See you in a week!


Meanwhile. . .