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Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Worst Song I Heard At Work This Week

The Muzak at my place of employment is a veritable cornucrapia of insipid lyrics set to wearisome tunes, but the all-time cake taker has to be the atrocious "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" by the abominable Paula Cole. (seen here taking herself way too fucking seriously)

The tune, to begin with, is just an unimaginative mediocrity, and Ms. Cole is a passable vocalist at best. If these were the only complaints, this song would barely merit a mention. It would slide by un-noticed like most second-rate records. But, no! Apparently, the producers had a brilliant idea: "hey, Paula, what if, instead of singing the main verses, you recited the lyrics in a semi-rhythmic stage whisper?"
" Oh My God! Brilliant! Now people will know that I'm a serious artist!"

Then there's the lyrics themselves, which are basically a bizarre longing for a pre-feminist relationship in which "I will raise the children if you pay all the bills." and "I will wash the dishes, you go have a beer." (seriously: Link) And she can't even pronounce "beer" like a normal person. When Paula sings it, it comes out like "beeee-yurrrr." How hard is it to pronounce beer? It's one fucking syllable! BEER! There, see how easy that was?

And, hey, Ms Cole, women have spent the last 30-odd years trying to explain to men that we should be more sensitive, more in touch with our feelings, and God help us, we've been trying. We may not be that great at it, but we have been trying to be more Phil Donahuey and less Clint Eastwoodey. And now here you come along whining "where is my John Wayne?" John Wayne is dead. And if he was alive, he probably wouldn't be a lot of fun to be married to. Remember this famous quote from the Duke? “Women have the right to work wherever they want, as long as they have the dinner ready when you get home”
(Although, based on your lyrics, maybe he would be your ideal husband.)

Anyway, just when the song is winding down, just when it seems like the crapfest is over, Ms Cole launches into a ghastly caterwauling which translates as "yipee yo, yipee yeah," but sounds for all the world like "Dah- ah - ahh, Duh-ha, Duh-ha!" Either way, I'm pretty sure it violates the Geneva Conventions.

And, ys, I know that this song is over 10 years old, but it hasn't gotten any less horrid in the interim.

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