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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Who's Wearing the Crazy Pants Today?

Why it's Randy Sharp, of the American Family Association.
The AFA has a large supply of crazy pants, so all its members can have at least one pair!

Here's Randy's advice for husbands:

Husbands, love your wives – build hedges


My marriage hedges are nothing more than a few simple rules, cultivated over 23 years of marriage. They are designed to protect me, my wife, and my children from a lifetime of suspicion, hurt, and mistrust.

They’re all based on one simple premise, “If I take care of the way things look, I take care of the way things are.”

They're all based on this patently false premise? Ooh, Let's hear 'em!

Hedge #1 -- I do not allow myself to be alone with a woman who is not my wife or immediate family member … EVER … EVER! By doing so, I’ve completely eliminated the possibility that anything inappropriate will take place. I am especially careful at work, where most extra-marital relationships begin. Therefore, I also make it a practice not to engage in conversation with another woman regarding her or my personal life.

Yes, we can all learn a thing or two from fundamentalist Muslims.
I actually have a simpler way to avoid having an extra-marital affair, I love my wife. So I can converse with women without jumping on them like a leg-humping puppy. But living a normal life isn't for everyone!

And by the way, ladies,
if you were married to this:

Would you be all that concerned about him straying? I mean, his wife may feel obligated to occasionally touch him, but who the hell else would?

Hedge #2 -- On work-related trips out of town, I take a family member with me if at all possible. My wife or one of my daughters goes with me.

Yikes! Is it really that difficult to keep it in your pants? "Oh, if my wife or daughter isn't with me, my weiner might accidentally fall in a lady!"

Hedge #3 -- I will not stay at hotels where pornography is available. Before I make a reservation, I ensure that the hotel does not offer pay-per-view or free adult programming. I use,
an online site that lets me know which hotels are safe.

You mean there are enough guys like you to support a website dedicated to finding hotels with a lack of porn? I think most folks who don't want to see porn just don't order it on pay-per-view. It's really not that difficult. Oh, and I do appreciate you letting me know that something which begins "www" and ends in ".com" is an online site. I would have spent hours wandering through the mall looking for the CleanHotels store, and there would have been women there other than my wife, and inevitably, an affair would have ensued.

Hedge #4 -- I let my wife know where I am at all times. With cell phone and texting technology so available, my wife appreciates my thinking of her.

Is that what she tells you?
I know women are from Venus, men are from Mars and all that, but I'm pretty sure that "God! Can't you give me a moment's fucking peace?" means pretty much the same thing in any language.

So Congratulations Randy Sharp!
It's your turn to wear the crazy pants!

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