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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The American Family Association Continues To Be Batshit Insane


Tuesday, November 09, 2010 9:18 AM
Bryan FischerOne human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears.

Unless that human  being lives in Iraq or Afghanistan, then God sez "Blow the fuckers up!" 

Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being.  

Yeah, I would check your math there, Sparky, I'm pretty sure a dead human isn't worth that much. If I could get say, three live grizzlies in exchange for one dead guy, I'd make that deal in a heartbeat!

In a piece in the LA Times which exudes far more compassion for live bears than dead people, writer Julie Cart wrings her hands over the 48 grizzlies that have died this year in the Yellowstone region this year, on top of the 52 which died last year.

Okay, that's a hundred dead grizzlies and None of them is Sarah Palin? That is tragic!

Now, two people have also died, which barely rates a mention in her column. In fact, her opening sentence oozes with sympathy for these poor, misunderstood creatures: 
“It's been a bad year for grizzly bears, and, if forecasts prove correct, it's only going to get worse.” 
It’s not until the fifth paragraph that we get the first mention of a human fatality. And it’s only in passing, in words from a man who lost a friend to a grizzly and naturally blames people, apparently including his own botanist friend:: 
"A grizzly is a top-level carnivore; at times he will act like one," said Chuck Neal, author of "Grizzlies in the Mist," who lost a botanist friend to a grizzly attack this year. "People are a readily available source of high-quality protein. We eat too much and exercise too little. We're like a hot dog on two legs." 
Yep, the problem is those pesky couch potato homo sapiens who just need to get in better shape. So they, what, can outrun a bear?
Right on! If humans choose to go out into the woods where bears live and the bears do what bears do, obviously, it's the bears' fault! Only a truly evil species would fail to see the humans' God-given supremacy over the beasts of the field and whatnot. If bears can't tell that we humans are made in the image of God, then fuck 'em! Kill 'em All!

 The other culprit, of course, is climate change, and since Julie apparently believes the fantasy that people are to blame for that, well, there you have it: 

If anyone is to blame for climate change, I say it's those damn bears! Always damaging our ozone layer with their pic-a-nic baskets and their scary growling. There oughta be a law!

Ms. Cart continues her angst-ridden piece by making a statement that is ludicrous on its face:
"With more bears and more people stuffed into the 22,000 square miles of bear habitat, something has to give, and no one here has a simple answer.”
Of course there is a simple answer: shoot these man-eaters on sight.

 Wow! Let's turn Yellowstone into a killing field for bears. Really. Wow. 

God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse. The tragic thing here is that we are bringing this curse upon ourselves.


So, let me see if I got this straight. God made bears. He made these bears much bigger, stronger, and faster than people. And he gave them sharp claws and teeth. Then he put them in the mountains where the winters are too cold for humans to survive. So people wouldn't have to compete with them. Am I right so far?
Well, eventually, people develop the means to drive cars into the mountains and pitch tents and these people said to themselves, "yeah, there's a small risk of getting killed by a bear, but I'm willing to take that risk in order to enjoy these mountains. 
Now a few of these people ended up on the short end of that risk and got killed by bears. Quell surprise! So the solution is obviously to wipe these filthy killing machines off the face of the earth! Now here's where it gets tricky. Didn't God make the bears? You think maybe he wants there to be bears? Maybe he wouldn't want us killing all his bears that he worked so hard on?

And if the bears eating folks is because of a curse on the land, aren't the bears just doing God's dirty work for him? Carrying out the curse? Maybe the people are cursed because God don't like them trespassing in his bear country. Maybe God likes bear better. It would explain why they are so much better equipped to survive than we are. They don't need jobs, they don't need money, and they get to sleep all winter. I would kill for that deal. You never see bears stressed out about the market. Bears never get addicted to drugs. Bears have a pretty sweet life. I think I lost my train of thought. Bears are awesome.
Awwwwww. . . . Who's a sleepy boy? Who's a sleepy boy? 


Blueberry said...

It's like this nut watches Stephen Colbert's Threatdown and takes it seriously. And that pair of little baby bears should be arrested for excessive cuteness.

Ahab said...

Blueberry stole my thunder about Stephen Colbert. What's next? Will Fischer put bears "on alert"?