VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) - Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today's broadcast of his 700 Club program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast "to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay."
Explaining his theory, Rev. Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two."So I believe the lessons we should learn here are:
Additionally, he argued, God shut down major airports in the New York area "so that people who were hoping to fly to do something of a gay nature would have to take a train or a bus, so it might be days before the gay thing they were going to do could occur."
1) God doesn't want you doing gay stuff in the winter. Wait until Spring to be abominations unto the Lord
2) God has a surprisingly weak grasp of American geography, sending a blizzard that completely bypassed the Castro, West Hollywood and Boys' Town.
3) When God wants to stop gay people from doing gay stuff, he has no way of targeting just them, he also has to prevent teachers from doing teacher stuff and doctors from doing doctor stuff, even preachers from doing preacher stuff.
(Boys' Town. See what I did there?)
4) God can't stop the gay, he can only hope to delay it for a couple of days.
5) This story is probably a parody, because if Pat Robertson had really said domething like this, he would probably have added something like "God can't smite all these bad people by himself, he wants you to send me whatever money you still have left to finance a gay-smiting mission."
6) The fact that people see this story and think it's probably true says a lot about what a horrible person Pat Robertson is.