The candidates speak

First up, Marco Rubio who's already sick of being in the Senate. (Think how sick the rest of us are of you being in the Senate, Marco.)

“I don’t know that ‘hate’ is the right word,” Rubio said in an interview. “I’m frustrated.”

I know.It's frustrating when you don't get to just destroy everything you don't like and bring the country down around your ears in a smoking pile of rubble. But there are still a few grownups left who won't let you. And that is just so unfair!

“That’s why I’m missing votes. Because I am leaving the Senate. I am not running for reelection,” Rubio said in the last Republican debate

Right, because that's totally how it works. Once you've put in your two weeks' notice, you don't have to do any work anymore. Of course you still get to collect your paycheck, but you can show up when you feel like it until you're ready to leave. We the taxpayers are happy to keep paying your salary while you dick around doing whatever you want, pretending you have a chance to be President. Wait a minute. . . Sarah Palin? Is that you?



Then there was JEB! Bush.

JEB BUSH: If this election is about how we're going to fight to get nothing done,

It is. On your side of the aisle it is.

. . . then I don't want to have any part of it. I don't want to be elected president 

Don't worry. 

. . . to just sit around and see gridlock become so dominant that people are literally in decline in their lives.

Oh, right. Gridlock. Would sure hate to see any of that.

That is not my motivation. I got a lot of really cool things I could do other than sit around and be miserable, listening to people demonize me and feeling compelled to demonize me. 

No you don't. You have zero cool things to do.

That is a joke. Elect Trump if you want that.

But of course nobody is going to out-crazy Ben Carson:

"As a teenager, I would go after people with rocks, and bricks, and baseball bats, and hammers. And, of course, many people know the story when I was 14 and I tried to stab someone," Carson said Sunday on NBC's "Meet the Press." 

Holy shit!

I mean, I thought it was bad when he said he used to throw rocks at cars.
And, you know, it would be one thing if he had said "i used to throw rocks at cars. I was an angry young kid, I had some real behavioral problems, but now of course I can see how wrong that was." Bu, no. He says "I used to throw rocks at cars. You know, like everyone does when they're a kid." Like it's perfectly acceptable to a) damage other people's property, and b) risk causing an accident that could potentially injure or even kill someone.

But this is way worse. Rocks, bricks, bats and hammers? If you're going after someone with a bat or a hammer, you're either in the mafia or you're a psychopath and either way, that's not very presidential.

That's when Carson mentioned his violent childhood growing up in Detroit, Michigan. He'd also detailed his youth in his book "Gifted Hands," writing about nearly stabbing a friend during an argument before beginning to read the Book of Proverbs and applying its lessons. 

Proverbs? Proverbs? What verses from the book of Proverbs convinced you to stop trying to murder people?

 What words of wisdom from King Solomon inspired you to not beat people with hammers or stab them during petty arguments? Because most of us kinda know that instinctually.