Friday, April 15, 2016

Goddammit, this is a weird freaking family!

Ted Cruz apparently has a thing for soup.

Bad soup.

According to his weirdo wife Heidi:
When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.

 Campbell's Chunky? You couldn't at least get Progresso? I mean, it's still canned soup, but it's like the difference between Ragu and Prego. I mean even for canned soup, Campbell's Chunky is pretty low. Have you ever tried Snow's brand clam chowder? Now that's a pretty good canned soup. And it's a concentrate, which makes it more surprising. Also, I don't know if you can get Andersen's Pea Soup outside of California, but . . .,_Buellton,_California.jpg/250px-Andersens_restaurant,_Buellton,_California.jpg

Anyway, we seem to have gotten a bit off-topic. Back to Heidi:

This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”

A "tough conversation?" "Don't buy an insane amount of crappy soup" is a tough conversation? A tough conversation is usually something along the lines of "I know you meant well, but I can't wear this whorish outfit you bought me for our anniversary" or "No way in Hell is your lunatic father moving in here!"
No, it would not be like that at all!

So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again.

So this marriage is obviously getting off to a solid start. He goes behind your back to buy a survivalist's bunker's worth of bad soup, you go behind his back to return it. Trust is the foundation of a solid relationship!

Also, you're a professional woman. You have an MBA from Harvard. You had just finished working as as an economic policy director on the Bush for President campaign. And you're calling your mother up for Stepford housewife advice?
I was Phi Beta Cappa!

And neither of you realized that your only two options are not 100 cans or zero? You couldn't say, let's get maybe a dozen at a time? It would be the easiest compromise you'd ever have to make. Although, I assume Ted probably would say "I get all 100 cans or so help me, I'll shut down the government!"

And I will read this children's book cover to cover! 
And you will sit there and listen to every word!


anne marie in philly said...

jesus.fucking.christ on a pogo stick! is this bitch for real? is this family REALLY that deranged? talk about a fucking freak show!

Bob said...

That family is so f**ked up.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

You know, Campbells soup is the leading soup sold in Canada. We don't know from that other shit. I laughed when I read this story because I knew exactly why he bought Campbells.

brewella deville said...

If you replace the words "cans of soup" with the word "dildos," the story makes absolute sense. Everything from her sneaking them out of the house before he wakes up to her calling her mother in a panic.

But let's give Ted the benefit of the derp. If it was soup, then Ted either has the taste of an eight year-old child or is a bit OCD in his eating habits. Nothing unusual in either case. Heidi though, WTF? The correct response when one's spouse comes home with one hundred of anything is, "What the hell, dude? Where are we gonna store this shit?" Then, sneaking what I assume must have been a Costco pallet of soup cans out of the house instead of having him haul it back his own damn self? Passive aggressive much? Calling her mom, though, that's the topper. A grown ass woman calling her mom to ask if she's been a bad wife? I'm starting to think her Wall Street job is just a way for Wall Street to funnel money to her Senator husband while she sits in a Goldman Sachs broom closet staring at her cuticles.

Professor Chaos said...

Damn, Brewella! Take no prisoners!

jadedj said...

God I love a soup to nuts story! Thanks professor.

Tal Hartsfeld said...

What most concerns me, personally, is how NORMAL and AVERAGE the Cruz's actually are.
That they accurately reflect the personas of those who might vote for Ted Cruz.