Monday, August 29, 2016

People who aren't even trying

Person #1: Jared Vallorani, the CEO of Liberty Alliance,which is some bullshit website thing to scam frightened right-wingers out of some hard-earned monies.

Jared Valenti has an idea you guys! He's got a scheme to, I guess scare gay people into, um, not being gay anymore? Or something? I don'r know, here's what he has to say about his brilliant idea:
(via: .Joe.My.God.)
Dear fellow Christian and Patriot, Our nation is reeling. I turn on the news and see Bruce Jenner being celebrated for wearing a dress.

I'm not sure you know what the word "reeling" means. Our nation was "reeling" in 1861. We were "reeling" on 9/11/01. seeing Caitlyn Jenner on TV is just annoying. Not because she's a trans person, but because she and every other member of that gross awful family are annoying.

Women on Instagram exploiting their bodies for fame.

Well that has certainly never happened before!

Jane Russell The Outlaw Sm Body

Until the advent of social media, no woman had ever capitalized on her sex appeal!

The music industry is selling sex, drug use and explicit language to our children.

Whaaaat?!?!?! Musicians selling sex and drugs?!?!

What is this world coming to?

I see riots in our streets, as men throw rocks at police and vandalize public property. Protesters stomping on and burning Old Glory. I see “race” issues getting worse instead of better.

I was going to laugh about the idea of riots being something new, but why is the word race in quotes? Seriously asking. I can't figure out why the implication that race is something that doesn't really exist or that race-based problems are not really about race, or what is the point he's trying to make?

Anyway, here's his idea. Or the prelude to his idea.

Maybe you feel like it’s hopeless to save our nation. In 70 AD, Rome came and sacked Jerusalem. They burned everything to the ground, just as it was foretold by the prophets.

Which is almost as dire a situation as we are facing now, what with Cait Jenner and all.

They burned everything to the ground, just as it was foretold by the prophets. But yet a remnant remained. Today in America, there are still millions and millions of Bible-believing Christians throughout our nation.

Yes, in fact, according to a recent ABC poll, Eighty-Three Percent of Americans identify as Christians. That's quite a remnant. So maybe you could stop acting like a persecuted minority all the time?

The homosexual population? Less than 3%. Transgenders? Less than .3%! Why are we scared?

Exactly! What the fuck are you people worried about? "Straight" Christian people are the majority in this country. Quit being such whiny babies. No one is suppressing you.

We are the MANY, they are the FEW. We need to take back our streets, take back our cities and take back our nation for the Glory of God!

Take back our streets? Other than Castro Street, heteros are pretty much the majority on every street in America. And I've been to the Castro and let me tell you, the gay folks are not hostile to us. They have no problem with breeders walking down their street.

Pictured: What Jared Valenti thinks every street looks like right now.

Also, I'm not really sure that God needs 'Murica in order to feel glory. I mean, he lives in Heaven, right? Isn't that pretty much the best country in the world? (Sorry, Sean Hannity, but it's true. Heaven beats America.)

Okay, let's just skip ahead. past the doom and gloom and self-pity, to this doofus's brilliant idea.

But it’s not too late. It may feel like it is, but I assure you, Christian citizen, it is NOT! We need to visibly show the nation that we are here and we are not going away quietly. You have seen the Jesus fish on cars for many years now. But we are more than Christians. We are Christian Patriots! That’s why we need your help. We want to see 1 MILLION cars on our streets and highways with this emblem.


You know, because that's not blasphemous at all. Conflating our Lord and Savior with the earthly authorities of the US of A. It's not like God has ever demanded top billing or anything.

We are not hiding. We are right in front of you and we will not lay down and allow any more of this foolishness to destroy our country

We're here! We're not queer! We're driven by fear!

I want every Christian Patriot in America to get the Star-Spangled Fish Emblem for their vehicle. Can you imagine driving through town and seeing 5 out of every 10 cars with the emblem on it? I assure you, they will take notice! Just like in any game, when the defense makes a big play, it strikes fear in the heart of their opponent. 

I'm a little confused as to why you think that an LGBT person would see your Jesus/America fish and find it frightening. Is he supposed to think "hmm, that person loves America, as do I, and he's also a Christian, like most Americans. . . .Ye Gods! I've got to get out of here!"

Or maybe the LGBT community isn't the "opponent." I don't know. But whoever the opponent is supposed to be, I kinda doubt they're going to be scared by the cheap easy gesture of putting a magnet on your car. If you're trying to scare people, you've got to try a little harder. Maybe incorporate something that people are actually scared of. Like snakes. Or ghosts. Or Floridians.

Or dolls. Dolls are scary.

See? Way scarier than a fish.

Or, you know, if you're really married to the whole fish motif -

There was going to be at least one other person who isn't even trying, but it's getting late. Part II tomorrow, I guess.


anne marie in philly said...

there's a sucker born every minute for those on the right, BEGGING to give their $$$ for a noble cause. IDIOTS! wanna bet that stupid fish is made in china?

Bob said...

Yes, a bumpersticker will save 'Murica from all that ails it.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

So if Captain America is the Star-Spangled Man With a Plan, is it the Star-Spangled Fish With a . . . Dish? Knish? Wish?

Lowell said...

You missed one of his points a bit...the "remnant" consists of "Bible-believing Christians." There's the catch. That limits them to Southern Baptists, southern Presbyterians, and all those thousands of independent churches, unaffiliated, led by ignorant bible-thumping morons who have found a way to make a quick buck.

Valenti would exclude, as "true" Christians, all Roman Catholics except for those who follow the hierarchical rules about abortion, pre-marital sex, condom users, etc., pretty much all Episcopalians, except for those who left the church to set up their own "true" Anglican churches where they condemn gays, pretty much most Methodists, and northern Presbyterians, northern Baptists, and ELCA Lutherans. These folks are NOT Bible-believing Xtns, therefore you can't really count them as Xtns at all...they work for the Devil! Yes!

But none of this is real. Valenti is just another knuckle-dragging idiot who uses religion to make money and gain a little power over a few. That so-called "fish" sticker is truly an abomination. It references what the early Christians did to identify each other...It is acronym or acrostic for the Greet letters transliterated as ICHTHYS (the Greek word for fish,) but the acronym spells out "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Savior."

The Jesus of the Gospels (a figment of the imagination), identified with no political system. When an attempt was made by the religious leaders (according to the tale) to get him to denounce the Roman government, he asked for a coin which contained the image of Caesar. He said, "Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to God."

Valentii is an ignorant scam artist.

Professor Chaos said...

It's the star spangled Lord on the back of my Ford.
Or the star spangled God who's shaped like a cod.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Oh, Professor, you brilliant sonovabitch! Hahahahahahaha!

The Blog Fodder said...

It's the star spangled Lord on the back of my Ford.
Or the star spangled God who's shaped like a cod.

I hurt from laughing